Is my husband being unreasonable?

Nurses General Nursing

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I currently work a med-surg position that is 12 hour days with no weekends. We all know how hard and challenging med-surg is and I have no great love for it. In fact when my required six months is up I'm looking to change to a specialty floor. The problem is all the specialty floors require nights and weekend rotations. My husband also works nights and weekends at times and is not comfortable leaving our kids home alone all night without an adult there. My kids are 18, 14, and 11. My 18 yr old is a very responsible student who does not party, stay out late, date, etc. However, with my husband being a cop he sees the worst and worries more about our kids protecting themselves than anything. I really don't want to be stuck in med-surg forever. Does anyone think it's unreasonable to have my kids home alone all night at their ages? Does anyone have any advice? My kids already stay home alone at times during the day when they're off school and we have to work and they do fine. They also do fine occasionally getting themselves off to school. Am I crazy for considering this? What does everyone else do?

Specializes in Psych, Maternity, ER, Ortho.

Have you talked to your 18 year old about this? I mean, they would be the responsible party in charge and they are "of age" so I don't think it would be fair to make such a decision without their input.

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Specializes in ER, ICU.

Your husband could reasonably be concerned if you were home alone. I don't think he is being unreasonable. It might require some creativity but I hope you can work it out, take the job, and make everyone happy.

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It is not too much to ask a favor of your oldest child when you have done so much for them! You shouldn't force it on them, but let him or her know in a kind manner that you need the help. If it's only 8 nights a month that you are working, then there is no reason why your eldest child and or husband can't help out. It is selfish of them not to, and you should speak up for yourself because you deserve to be happy too!

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Specializes in Trauma, Teaching.

When I became a widow to cancer, my kids were 6,9 and 12. I worked nights twice a week. They did just fine. We liked to read out loud, I taped quite a few stories and they listened to me reading them to sleep. At first they all stayed together in one room, with all the dogs around, but eventually started using their own rooms again. They are all grown now, competent young adults.

I think your husband it being protective, but needs to have a sit down reality check on your needs.

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Must be my independent streak, I don't know, but I like to know what I am doing, and what the kids are doing, and not as if I don't involve my husband, but I take responsibility for plans for the kids in our home--works for us but may not for everyone. Your husband has a set schedule. You would probably get a schedule a month in advance. When the schedule comes out, family meeting. It may be only one or 2 nights a month they would be on their own. Make a plan then, if your oldest has something happening on a night that you both have to work, then there should be a plan B in place. I also strongly suggest an alarm system......and not to mention that some cable companies now have an online option that you can see the house, who is coming in, that type of thing--

It is a new concept that the older kids shouldn't have to help with the younger kids--most of us from "back in the day" (cough, cough, sputter, sputter--LOL) were expected to help out around the house, and yes, that sometimes meant watching the younger siblings. Good life skills! And another thought--if you or your husband has family near-by, couldn't Auntie stay over if she needed to? Or do a pop in on the way to work to make sure the kids are ready for school? If before you leave at night everything is set up for the next morning, it would be seamless--I would be more concerned about everyone getting up on time and ready for school than someone breaking in.....

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My mom worked in the schools, so she came home every afternoon at the same time we did, in high school. I noticed that most of my friends/acquaintances who didn't have a parent at home in the afternoon... if they were going to get into "trouble" that was the time. Drinking, sex, drugs, shoplifting... everyone knew this was the stretch of the day when there was no parental supervision. (These days, I would add internet Media, chatrooms, cyber-bullying.) It's not that most of the time they consciously said "This is when my parents are out"--it just kind of followed that there was this free time and no adults knew the difference. And I'm talking about "nice", intelligent kids--kids are kids. Some get into trouble, some don't. But I think a regular period of no-parental-supervision leaves that door wide open. Even if YOUR kids aren't interested in any of that, what if their friends start asking "Hey, are both your parents at work tonight? We could..."

Several people have posted examples here of how they grew up in a situation like this and "turned out just fine", but I think you would find plenty of other people for whom it didn't. Even if nothing dramatic happens, I think it's good for teens to have a sense of security and benign supervision. I was raised to be very independent and confident in my choices, but I think knowing my mother (in my case, she was the one at home) was by default keeping tabs on me and my siblings helped me make good choices and gave me an easy way to say "no" to peer pressure. Honestly, because of developmental stages, I'd be more likely to leave an 8-year-old at home regularly than a 14-year-old.

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You know your kids. And not all teenagers will spend the evening doing their homework and acting responsiby.

Plenty will, but not all of them.

If that is the case, and you need peace of mind so you can focus on your work and not worry about what the kids are up to.

Is there a way you can work in some flexible prn childcare for the times when you both have to work nights? Maybe a college student can stay over and supervise, maybe a retired neighbor who would be willing to work occasional nights, or try some of your local stay-at-home moms would like the chance to earn a little money.

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Specializes in Clinical Research, Outpt Women's Health.

I don't think it unreasonable that a cop would be paranoid about leaving the kids alone even at that age. Just think about the things he sees and hears about..........

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Specializes in Cardiac.

May I ask what it is exactly that you hate about your particular floor? I work on a cardiac step-down unit, that is extremely busy, the busiest floor in the hospital by far! We also get med-surg over flow. I wanted to quit so bad when I started, even at the 6 month mark. I'm so glad I stuck it out on this floor, I have learned sooooo much, I have learned to love my job very much. I have been there almost a year and a half. I'm not saying that you will automatically love your job, but I know it does get better. Believe me, I use to go home crying, I'd be in my managers office at least once a week it seemed. Also, you work 3-12's with every weekend off, that's an awesome schedule, good luck trying to find that elsewhere. Have you ever worked nights? I just came off working nights for 6 months, now I'm 3-12's on days. I personally hated night, HATED THEM! I also agree with some other posters, I for one would not leave my kids alone at night, but that's just me. They are 14 and 15 and quite responsible, however, they are still teenagers, if you know what I mean. If something ever happened to them, you'd never forgive yourself, now this is just my opinion. Good luck in your adventure, I hope you find the perfect job, and when you do let me know because I feel it doesn't exist. I do love my job, but it is far from perfect. Just saying the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence, so to speak. I plan on becoming a nurse practitioner, so eventually I will be moving on, but for now I have learned so much, and I still have so much more to learn. May I also ask, which type of floor you will be transferring to? I hope you aren't seeing my post as negative, it isn't meant to be that way, just playing a little devil's advocate with you. I really wish you the best.

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Maybe your husband have been witnessing lots of crime lately and is being paranoid or protective?

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I started babysitting at the age of 12 not over night but late hours for my moms friends who were also nurses. My mom being a nurse as well, PICU nurse to be exact worked the 11-7a shift. Twelve hour shifts were not as popular back then but point is I was home alone as far back as maybe 11 years old. Of course I had a long list of phone numbers that I could call in case of an emergency. My dad worked overseas so he wasn't around. Maybe you can start paying your 18 yr old for baby sitting over night, no 18 yr old would not mind having extra cash in their pockets. :yes:

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Specializes in Public Health, L&D, NICU.

I would be hesitant to do it just because night shift can be really rough on you. Have you ever worked nights? Some people adjust well to them, but many others don't. My health really suffered when I worked nights. You have a schedule that most nurses would kill to have. In my hospital, day shift was by seniority. The day you started working, your name went on the fabled List. Everyone knew where they fell on the list, and when a spot on days finally came open, #1 on the list got to go to dayshift. I'm just trying to say that you may be exchanging one set of miseries for others. What if you are one of those that cannot sleep during the day? Google the health effects of shift work, and see what all comes up. Night shift puts you at higher risk for heart disease, obesity, diabetes, not to mention sleep disorders.

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