Incidental sexism

[kidzcare]

So, I'm a feminist and all about equal rights. But still I find myself making all kinds of sexist assumptions in my office. Not about the kids, about the parents!

IE- I never call a dad first unless the student tells me that his/her dad is home that day. I try to catch myself and ask the kid "Who will be easiest to get a hold of?" But if I'm calling for paperwork or for something unrelated to a student visit, I always call the mom's phone first.

The one that really bugs me (because it hits close to home, I'll explain :) ) is that I have a fleeting moment of "What a great, involved father" pretty much every time that a dad calls in their kid sick or comes to pick them up. When a mom calls a kid in or picks them up, my thoughts NEVER turn to "Now that's a good mom!" Nope, it's just what we expect moms to do and give dad a gold star for doing.

Personally, this really chafes me. My ex husband is minimally involved in my children's lives. He sees them weekly (as it is stated in our divorce agreement) but he would NEVER pick up a sick kid from school. His exact words to me were "That's on your time, it's your problem" (Did I mention he has no job? So not only does he not have a job that he would have to leave to get them- and he is only 20 minutes from their school-- but he has no money to pay child support. Somehow he has beer money and cigarette money, but no Kid Money).

I could go on and on about his cavalier attitude towards parenting, but it would turn into a novel. What I CANNOT TAKE ANYMORE OF is hearing anyone say "Well, at least he still sees them" as though that makes up for being uninvolved in his children's lives??? It makes me sick for my kids that he does not show any concern for them or their activities. He flat out says to them "I don't care about that" when they want to tell him about things that interest them (pokemon, gymnastics, their friends).

/endrant

[Farawyn]

I do that too. I found a pink cell phone and immediately thought "Girl Phone" which it was, but come ON.

My school district is Mayberry. Most moms are home and don't even work outside the home. The dads are pretty involved as well, actually.

My hubs is a great dad, so not so much worshipping at the Daddy Throne here.

Pssst, kidzcare, I don't like your ex. Boooooo!

[ohiobobcat]

I find I am usually pretty good about asking students who is the best person to reach at this time of day for permission to do whatever. I really HATE when I tell a kid that I have to call mom or dad and they say "My mom/dad died." Ugh!!!

I like to see both parents involved in their kids' lives, but I see it A LOT in my district where kids live with mom, dad is allowed no contact. Or kid lives with dad, mom lives 2000 miles away. Or kid lives with grandparents, mom and dad aren't in the picture at all. So I find myself thinking- "thank goodness this kid has a place to call home", more than "what an involved dad/mom".

We had parent/teacher conferences last week and my BFF (who teaches at the same school) said she had 11 parents show up. Eleven. Out of 80-ish students.

My ex moved 16 hours FARTHER from our kids all the while assuring me that he will see them just as often as he did when he lived 5 hours away. He hasn't even bothered to call them (or me because there is one child who refuses to speak to him now) in 9 months. And the last time we spoke, he asked how middle child (the one who won't speak to him) was doing in softball. She hasn't played softball for 4 years. So I feel your pain.

[kidzcare]

*HUGS* Ohiobobcat!

[Flare, ASN, BSN]

over the years i've tried to change my verbiage from "am i calling mom or dad" to "who am i calling?" knowing that some of my students don't live with their bio parents. But the caveat there is that I often get "Mom and Dad are working so you need to call my Aunt." Well, i get that - and Auntie may very well be the one that ultimately comes to get you, but i'm not sending you home without your parents knowing where you are.

The other thing i've noticed is that dads seem to be better at answering the phone. at least in my district.

[JenTheSchoolRN, BSN, RN]

I asked a line to my health emergency card that states "Best contact to call during school hours." 7/10 it is the mother, but I've seen father, grandparent, aunt listed. It saves me a lot of time and confusion, though it is still easy to assume the name will be the mother listed :).

But, like some folks above, a large number of students at my school do have their mother as the primary parent, with a father out of the picture. Or they live with grandparents or a foster parent.

[100kids, BSN, RN]

I know most of the families in my district pretty well so I usually know a lot about the family dynamic here. Most of the moms stay at home, work P/T or have their own business here so it's 97% them that get the call first but I usually know which families have Dad as the primary (I always find looking at the signed paperwork from the beginning of the year helps) or which family has grandma taking a lead or big role. On our emergency contact list we also have the parents indicate which phone # to call 1st, 2nd , etc. So home may be 1st, mom's cell 2nd and then Grandma 3rd before getting down to Dad;s contact #s at #6 and 7. This helps when I don't know the family well.

[ohiobobcat]

And *HUGS* to you kidz. I've been playing the role of mother and father for so many years now, it doesn't bother me much anymore. I feel bad for their dad though, because we have 3 awesome kids and he doesn't even know them.

And I get that too, Flare. "Can't you just call my aunt?" "Is your aunt your guardian?" "No" "You can just call my boyfriend's mom, that's who I live with anyways." Uh, No I can't!!!

[SnowyJ, RN]

I either call the custodial parent, or call the person listed first on the contact info. There have been some conflicts with divorced parents ie" "why wasn't I notified my child was sick?" I sometimes will notify both parents in cases like this.

It can be a challenge!

[JustBeachyNurse, LPN]

Or you could have a genius like my son who attempts to circumvent me by calling my mom.... gets administration to do it all the time. Now I have my mom trained, did you try contacting my daughter/genius's mom? Even when I'm working at a school if I can't answer my office can find me and our contracts state we can answer calls from our office.

His school nurse changed the system to a specific if/then: call mom cell, if no answer leave detailed message, then call mom's office who will get in touch. If can't reach mom and you must send genius home, leave a second message after calling grandma. Never call grandma first.

I have one kiddo mom is in active treatment for stage 4 CA so dad changed all the contact info to call him first. All school calls show as the main number. Whether it's a nurse, administrator, or a teacher calling to get verbal photo permission. Parental panic attack every time dad answers to the point you must laugh. Mom was going to put grandpa first as he's less inclined to panic. Noe the call list is sent in weekly, if mom is home it says call mom, if mom is at the treatment center it will specify whether to call dad or grandpa. (If pick up needed, message mom then call grandpa). Dad is good but just couldn't handle it

[NanaPoo]

We have a lot of moms who are serious business women who are always traveling on business and completely inaccessible but dad is the available caregiver. Or kids who have a grandparent as the primary caregiver. I've learned quickly to never assume that mom is the one I'll be calling about pick-up or care decisions or immunization paperwork.

But, thankfully my school is small and I quickly get to know families and know who to call.

[nyy2]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this way! When I see the dad listed as the first contact person I sigh.. I do usually ask the student who is best to call, but that doesn't always go well with the younger ones. Whenever I do end up talking to a dad..many times it is "I don't know, I'll check with mom, or call mom..." I do agree with Flare that dads do tend to pick up the phone more often than moms!

I have a few sets of divorced parents with ugly custody battles and it stinks to get caught in the middle! Last year I had a sick kiddo and mom hadn't returned the call in an hour so I moved onto dad, who picked her up right away. Mom called 2 hours later furious that her daughter went with dad because it was her day for the kids. She also won't give us her work number to reach her directly ...