I feel stupid

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I have been an LPN for 13 years, but i worked on and off because i took time off to have my kids. (I have four)...and im not really the brightest person out there. I tend to hear and see things differently than other people. my brain doesnt work so well, and im guessing because i have chronic lyme? i know mentally lyme has taken its toll...there was a time before i was diagnosed that i would stand at the stove and not have a clue as to how to make dinner or what to make...with antibiotic tx i got better, but my brain still is not functioning at its best. i havent made any med errors as I really am nervous about it and careful. I triple and quadruple check everything before i give it. i have severe anxiety when going to bed at night hoping i did everything right. I help the LNAs on my floor when possible....last night i put someone on the bedpan wrong. I have no recollection of putting it on wrong and i have no idea why i put this pt on wrong. how stupid am i????i cant even do normal tasks...who puts someone on the bedpan wrong? then the phone rang and one of the lnas answered and said when you come out of so and so's room transfer the call to whoever....i came out, a bell rang i answered it as i was whizzing by and then i came out and one of my lnas said you have that call! i ran and transferred the call and transferred it wrong. what is wrong with me? i really think i should quit my job but im the only one working in my home and need the money. To make matters worse, on saturday i received an order for an antibiotic QID and i wrote it as QD...i really am an idiot. how could i do that? I started crying but no one noticed...it was just a bad night, but i am stupid on a daily basis. I do stupid things and im not sure of myself, my self esteem is in the basement...i was told i was a good nurse but maybe not anymore since the lyme symptoms are coming back. i have to work....and i love working. but im just so dumb. i feel that to be a good nurse i cant make mistakes...everyone else is smarter than me...i really dont know what to do. im very careful but obviously when writing that order in the MAR i wasnt....and i cant for the life of me explain how i thought QID said QD because i knew it was QID. I had the order right in front of me when i wrote it in the MAR. i have chronic headaches and i get probably 4 hours of sleep since i work 3-11 and have to get my kids up at like 5-6am. another example of my stupidity is i was looking for 7mg coumadin...i had threes so i said to the other nurse if you have a 3 and a 1mg thats good and shes like what do you have and im like oh i have a 4 and a 3....and as soon as i said it i realized, im an idiot. my other job before this was early intervention/home health nurse for people living with HIV and that was not clinical at all. I was constantly told that i was the best nurse they ever had. maybe im not cut out for clinical which makes me feel inadequate. i mean i was stupid there too, i went to make coffee for everyone thinking i was being nice and burned myself becuase i didnt know how the coffee pot worked. i labeled myself as office dipshit and laughed but inside i beat myself up for being so stupid. all my life ive felt stupid but now since i got lyme i feel even dumber. i just had to vent i dont know what else to do. thanks for reading my rant.

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Wow, take it easy.It's bad but not that bad. All these abuses on yourself? How do you expect to even get better. I understand the one of knocking yourself on the head when you wrong, but lady, you're not knocking anymore- you're just plain hitting your head now.

PS- I'm not diagnosing nor labeling but I think you need to sit down with someone you trust and can confide in. Someone who will be non-judgmental but give you a serious well thought out advice. And you said you're the only one working?Then perhaps, you might want to consider having your husband maybe helping with getting the kids up, if he's not already, that is.

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Specializes in Med Surg-Geriatrics.

I don't even know what to say,on one hand I want to sympathize on the other hand I am concerned for the residents/patients and your co-workers..perhaps some of our other more qualified readers can offer some advice but it does sound like you have some serious issues going on..I would try to address them and soon!

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Get more sleep.

It's /essential/. I can tell that's something that's throwing you off. See if you can change shifts, anything - you need to try to get 8 hours of sleep a night. That will help substantially - you can't work well if you're chronically sleep-deprived, like you sound like you are.

Also...I recommend finding someone to talk to. Even if they're not a "professional", it still helps so much to have someone that will listen.

Everyone makes mistakes. Please stop beating yourself down - it's not helping the situation either. Get more sleep, eat healthy, try to exercise a bit a day. I've heard it helps. :heartbeat

Best of luck to you.

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Specializes in ICU/CCU.

You are breaking my heart. Take a few breaths. You are not stupid. Please stop referring to yourself in such a negative way. Do not refer to yourself that way in front of others, and stop the internal negative self talk. Everyone makes mistakes. You are tired and stressed.

If you are the only one working in your household right now, then WHY are you the one waking up at 5 or 6 am to get the kids ready for school??? You should see a therapist or counselor to work out your low self-esteem issues. This isn't something you can lick on your own--you need someone else in your corner.

I wish you the best.

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Specializes in Med Surg, Hospice, Home Health.

You are exhausted and sleep deprived. I have been an rn for 14 yrs, but when I haven't had enough sleep, i'll get on the freeway headed south instead of north, transpose numbers, etc.......... When i'm super, super tired, I do the negative self talk also. when I get like that, I just have to pull off the road, find a dunkin donuts or starbucks, and just sit in the restroom for 5 minute ((quiet 5 minutes)) and ask God for strength and clarity. God be with you dear one.

Linda

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Specializes in ob/gyn med /surg.

i have chronic lyme diease and it does take a toll on you.. mentally and physically... i drive myself crazy somedays and i had to really say " the heck with it" i do my best and have faith things are not as bad as they seem... i have had chronic lyme disease for many many years and some days are better than others... just keep in mind " that you are only human and what others think is not important... just do the best you can and leave the rest to God

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You're not stupid - YOU'RE NOT STUPID - YOU'RE TIRED, you're stressed, but you're definitely not stupid. And I don't think you have psychiatric issues or anything else that needs "addressing" other than whoever's at home with you needs to get their behinds out of bed and HELP YOU OUT if they're physically able.

And as for the coffeepot thing, I'm pretty smart, and we have a coffeepot at my house that mystifies me to the point I still use my own little four cup one in the morning - so don't let that rattle you. The QID/QD thing sounds like exhaustion to me - an error, yes, and that should be addressed, but rest assured none of us is perfect - and as for the Coumadin thing, we ALL have moments like that (the other day I walked around for ten minutes looking for my pen, and one of our CNAs said, 'hey, LT, it's clipped inside your shirt'. Did I feel stupid - YES. Am I - NO. Did I look a bit silly and give the airmen a bit of a giggle? Of course.).

You are stressed and you need some help around the house. You're not crazy and you're not stupid. Slow down. Take a breath. If you're worried about writing orders, there's no shame in handing them to someone else to double check for you (I've done that a thousand times myself). But above all go a bit easier on yourself.

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Specializes in mental health, military nursing.

Sometimes it's hard to know where to draw the line - if you find that you are making a lot of clinical errors, maybe you should reconsider your job role. Why did you leave your last job? Something that gives you a little more flexibility and a more casual pace would probably help a lot! As the other posters said, it doesn't sound like you're stupid, just that you're tired - and if you've got CLD, no wonder! Know your limitations, but don't beat yourself up about them...

Best of luck to you... :)

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You need medical care and you need to consider doing some type of work that has less potential for you to hurt someone else or get hurt yourself. You might want to at least look into going on disability. I wish you all the best.

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Specializes in LTC, Home Health.

You need to have more help at home and you need to find someone to talk to (a professional). You are not stupid so you need to stop that talk right away. It does not help you in any way and will not help you get any farther. Take more time for you and let the people around you know what you need. See you pcp and let him/her know what is going on. You are breaking my heart and you really don't deserve to suffer like this.

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Specializes in OB/GYN, Peds, School Nurse, DD.

First, I think you need to back off on calling yourself stupid. It doesn't appear that anyone else thinks you're stupid. Do you not trust them? You're being harder on yourself than you need to. Calling yourself stupid isn't going to change your self-esteem for the better. So just stop it.

Second, I think you need to talk with a psychologist who can help you. Having a chronic health issue takes its toll on you. My DH has severe, disabling lung disease. He has a lot of the same symptoms you have. He struggles with feelings of inferiority due to not working. At my urging he sought out some assistance. About 6 months with a therapist, plus medication for depression and anxiety have fixed him right up.

Third, consider a less stressful line of work. I know you have to work, but you don't have to work there. I think home health would probably be a better fit for you. I imagine you *can* concentrate on one patient at a time. You have experience with chronically ill seniors. Why aren't you doing private duty?

There are many ways to be a nurse. I suffered a complete mental breakdown a year ago and was unable to concentrate or work as a nurse for 12 months. I just started back, working as a school nurse in a small elementary school. It's very routine work. I still struggle with short-term memory loss so I have to write EVERYTHING down. Otherwise,in less than 2 minutes the information is gone. But I know better than even try to go back to my old job--NICU. I'm sure I would be as diligent as I could be, but I know I would never be able to keep up. No shame in knowing your limitations.

Now stop crying about everything you're not and start celebrating everything you are. Nobody is all bad and that includes you. Today I want you to write a list of everything that is right with you. No cons allowed. Even if you have to write "I have two feet that work" and "I got up and fixed breakfast this morning" or "My eyes are a pretty shade of brown." Do it. And keep adding to it every day. In rehab terms, this is called a Gratitude List and it works. I promise.:nurse:

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