I feel stupid

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I have been an LPN for 13 years, but i worked on and off because i took time off to have my kids. (I have four)...and im not really the brightest person out there. I tend to hear and see things differently than other people. my brain doesnt work so well, and im guessing because i have chronic lyme? i know mentally lyme has taken its toll...there was a time before i was diagnosed that i would stand at the stove and not have a clue as to how to make dinner or what to make...with antibiotic tx i got better, but my brain still is not functioning at its best. i havent made any med errors as I really am nervous about it and careful. I triple and quadruple check everything before i give it. i have severe anxiety when going to bed at night hoping i did everything right. I help the LNAs on my floor when possible....last night i put someone on the bedpan wrong. I have no recollection of putting it on wrong and i have no idea why i put this pt on wrong. how stupid am i????i cant even do normal tasks...who puts someone on the bedpan wrong? then the phone rang and one of the lnas answered and said when you come out of so and so's room transfer the call to whoever....i came out, a bell rang i answered it as i was whizzing by and then i came out and one of my lnas said you have that call! i ran and transferred the call and transferred it wrong. what is wrong with me? i really think i should quit my job but im the only one working in my home and need the money. To make matters worse, on saturday i received an order for an antibiotic QID and i wrote it as QD...i really am an idiot. how could i do that? I started crying but no one noticed...it was just a bad night, but i am stupid on a daily basis. I do stupid things and im not sure of myself, my self esteem is in the basement...i was told i was a good nurse but maybe not anymore since the lyme symptoms are coming back. i have to work....and i love working. but im just so dumb. i feel that to be a good nurse i cant make mistakes...everyone else is smarter than me...i really dont know what to do. im very careful but obviously when writing that order in the MAR i wasnt....and i cant for the life of me explain how i thought QID said QD because i knew it was QID. I had the order right in front of me when i wrote it in the MAR. i have chronic headaches and i get probably 4 hours of sleep since i work 3-11 and have to get my kids up at like 5-6am. another example of my stupidity is i was looking for 7mg coumadin...i had threes so i said to the other nurse if you have a 3 and a 1mg thats good and shes like what do you have and im like oh i have a 4 and a 3....and as soon as i said it i realized, im an idiot. my other job before this was early intervention/home health nurse for people living with HIV and that was not clinical at all. I was constantly told that i was the best nurse they ever had. maybe im not cut out for clinical which makes me feel inadequate. i mean i was stupid there too, i went to make coffee for everyone thinking i was being nice and burned myself becuase i didnt know how the coffee pot worked. i labeled myself as office dipshit and laughed but inside i beat myself up for being so stupid. all my life ive felt stupid but now since i got lyme i feel even dumber. i just had to vent i dont know what else to do. thanks for reading my rant.

I agree with a PP about going into home care because it is a lot less stressful. I am an aide and had to quit my job as an aide in skilled nursing, because I was so forgetful. I have also worked in home health care in the past and it was so much easier. Plus I had energy when I got home to spend time with my family. I know as an aide I do not have the responsibility that you do, but I think home health care would be a good switch for you. You can also pick and choose what hours you are going to work in home health care as well. Good luck to you and I wish you all the best.

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Specializes in Med/Surg.

I don't know much (at all) about chronic Lyme disease, so I can't offer anything about that. I DO, however, know too much about negative self-talk. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You keep telling yourself you're stupid, and guess what? You are convinced that you'll make mistakes, and guess what? You got it.

The things that are a result of your disease are NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn't ask for it, you can't help it. Please don't blame yourself for those things. It's a never-ending cycle and it's only going to keep hurting you. Figure out your positives and focus on those. You were dealt a bad hand with the CLD, but it doesn't have to become your identity...you were a person before that, and you're a person in spite of it. Don't let it rule you and decide how you feel about yourself and your life.

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Specializes in ob/gyn med /surg.

i enjoyed reading all the positive posts and words of encourgement.. please know you are not alone.. you need someone to talk to and also you need follow up on your chronic lyme diease... there are many support groups for chronic lyme diease and you will see many people feel the same way you do ... it is hard to push out the negative and think positive... but you must.. you arn't stupid and you just need someone to talk to ... you are a good nurse and you understand alot about suffering mentally and physically that your patients go through... don't give up nursing maybe switch to a less stressful job... it's hard but you can conquer this beast .... keep us posted on how you are doing..

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Specializes in Med-surg > LTC > HH >.
First, I think you need to back off on calling yourself stupid. It doesn't appear that anyone else thinks you're stupid. Do you not trust them? You're being harder on yourself than you need to. Calling yourself stupid isn't going to change your self-esteem for the better. So just stop it.

Second, I think you need to talk with a psychologist who can help you. Having a chronic health issue takes its toll on you. My DH has severe, disabling lung disease. He has a lot of the same symptoms you have. He struggles with feelings of inferiority due to not working. At my urging he sought out some assistance. About 6 months with a therapist, plus medication for depression and anxiety have fixed him right up.

Third, consider a less stressful line of work. I know you have to work, but you don't have to work there. I think home health would probably be a better fit for you. I imagine you *can* concentrate on one patient at a time. You have experience with chronically ill seniors. Why aren't you doing private duty?

There are many ways to be a nurse. I suffered a complete mental breakdown a year ago and was unable to concentrate or work as a nurse for 12 months. I just started back, working as a school nurse in a small elementary school. It's very routine work. I still struggle with short-term memory loss so I have to write EVERYTHING down. Otherwise,in less than 2 minutes the information is gone. But I know better than even try to go back to my old job--NICU. I'm sure I would be as diligent as I could be, but I know I would never be able to keep up. No shame in knowing your limitations.

Now stop crying about everything you're not and start celebrating everything you are. Nobody is all bad and that includes you. Today I want you to write a list of everything that is right with you. No cons allowed. Even if you have to write "I have two feet that work" and "I got up and fixed breakfast this morning" or "My eyes are a pretty shade of brown." Do it. And keep adding to it every day. In rehab terms, this is called a Gratitude List and it works. I promise.:nurse:

Wow sounds like u would make a great therapist!!:yeah:. Great advice to get her started on the road to recovery!!!!.:cheers::dncgbby:

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Specializes in OB/GYN, Peds, School Nurse, DD.
Wow sounds like u would make a great therapist!!:yeah:. Great advice to get her started on the road to recovery!!!!.:cheers::dncgbby:

Hah! That's what 8 weeks of inpatient treatment will get you.:lol2:

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Specializes in Med-Surg.

On the one hand, I feel sorry for you, and on the other hand I feel sorry for your patients, who you have the potential to serious harm with your negligence. Please consider getting a complete workup from your PCP, or go on disabilty.

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Specializes in neuro/ortho med surge 4.

From reading your post you sound very, very stressed out. I can feel your pain in your words and my heart aches for you. Please don't call yourself those mean and nasty words. You made it through nursing school and that takes intelligence. I know from experience that negative self talk makes you feel even more down about yourself. It is like when you say you are stupid you want people to disagree with you to reassure you of your worth. I know this because I see a therapist now for those feelings of unworthiness. I know it is easier said than done to stop the negative thoughts and put positive ones in their place. I know these thought cripple you in almost all aspects of your life. I have struggled with this all of my life. Please see a therapist or talk to someone. It really does help.

Give yourself a break. You are the single breadwinner for 4 kids. That in of itself you should be proud of.

Please let us know how you are doing. You sound like you need some support.

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Specializes in psychiatry, medical, pulmonary.

I don't think that your poor self esteem related to your job is helpful to your situation, but to read this...I am concerned for your patients.

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Thank you for all your concern. Yes i am severely sleep deprived. My husband does help a ton--he gets up at 4. i get up at 6 to help because i dont see my children much since i work 3-11. i was on day shift, but i made less money and we couldnt pay the bills. I am depressed, but have no health insurance so i have to pay out of pocket for treatment. My supervisor never said a word about the error, and they placed me on a floor that is a bit complicated because they see that I am a good nurse(which is hard for me to say). I left my last job because I had to move back home to be closer to my family and to put my children in good schools, i didnt want to leave my last job but i had to. I also have OCD so every night when i go to bed my mind goes and goes about what did i do tonight, did i forget anything, etc. I have the other nurse i work with double check orders with me just to be extra careful. I am too careful at times, i triple and quadruple check before i even attempt to bring the meds in to a patient. I am a float right now and i think that is partly my problem. If i got comfortable on one floor (which i have in the past) i dont have the OCD. I am more sure and confident. I dont want to go on disability, i like to work and i would never get enough to support my children. I wont let lyme get the best of me. There are just days where i feel like total crap....its hard to get through those days. today i feel better but i still obsess over everything. I dont care what anyone else thinks, i really believe i could be smarter....and i have spoken to people at work too. Everytime i bring a pill to a patient, i know in my heart that they are trusting me with their lives to give them the correct dosage and correct medication. I ensure that by checking so many (insanely) times. I dont get out late or fall behind because of the checking, but it is annoying to me. i will try to get more sleep its hard. I do exercize, I dance but i havent wanted to on my day off because im so tired, so I havent gone to class in 2 weeks. I do eat healthy for the most part and i dont drink coffee much. I think after not doing clinical for a number of years, it takes time to get back into the swing of things. Maybe i will find another job, its not what i want and there really is nothing. We will see how it goes, in the meantime, i continue to be extra cautious and have other nurses check along with me.

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:redbeatheHoney, please do not beat yourself up like that. We have ALL been there. I myself have and do feel like you do on a more than I would like to basis but we have got to learn to pick ourselves up and keep going. I am a mere nursing student and I have wanted to quit a few times b/c I feel that everyone in my clinical group is moving so much more faster than I am. I feel that I don't belong and like I really am dumb. I've felt dumb all my life and the main reason is because I let what people said about me imbed into my deep in my heart and mind like huge thorns leaving festering wounds. I wanted to quit so many times but I know that I MUST finish not only for myself but my family as well. It gets hard for me but I try to prevail and learn from my mistakes.

Try to meditate a little, relax by the pool or just take a long calming walk. That's what I do and it has helped. Just know that even if this has happened most of your life you and only you can still take control of your life. Love yourself and treat yourself just like you care for your patients. If you keep calling yourself stupid that belief will be hard to get out of your head. As hard as it is try to practice telling yourself, "No I'm not stupid. I can do this. i am just as capable as the next person if not more so!" Take control honey and love yourself!!!!!!:redpinkhe:yeah:

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