bandmja

Thank you for all your concern. Yes i am severely sleep deprived. My husband does help a ton--he gets up at 4. i get up at 6 to help because i dont see my children much since i work 3-11. i was on day shift, but i made less money and we couldnt pay the bills. I am depressed, but have no health insurance so i have to pay out of pocket for treatment. My supervisor never said a word about the error, and they placed me on a floor that is a bit complicated because they see that I am a good nurse(which is hard for me to say). I left my last job because I had to move back home to be closer to my family and to put my children in good schools, i didnt want to leave my last job but i had to. I also have OCD so every night when i go to bed my mind goes and goes about what did i do tonight, did i forget anything, etc. I have the other nurse i work with double check orders with me just to be extra careful. I am too careful at times, i triple and quadruple check before i even attempt to bring the meds in to a patient. I am a float right now and i think that is partly my problem. If i got comfortable on one floor (which i have in the past) i dont have the OCD. I am more sure and confident. I dont want to go on disability, i like to work and i would never get enough to support my children. I wont let lyme get the best of me. There are just days where i feel like total crap....its hard to get through those days. today i feel better but i still obsess over everything. I dont care what anyone else thinks, i really believe i could be smarter....and i have spoken to people at work too. Everytime i bring a pill to a patient, i know in my heart that they are trusting me with their lives to give them the correct dosage and correct medication. I ensure that by checking so many (insanely) times. I dont get out late or fall behind because of the checking, but it is annoying to me. i will try to get more sleep its hard. I do exercize, I dance but i havent wanted to on my day off because im so tired, so I havent gone to class in 2 weeks. I do eat healthy for the most part and i dont drink coffee much. I think after not doing clinical for a number of years, it takes time to get back into the swing of things. Maybe i will find another job, its not what i want and there really is nothing. We will see how it goes, in the meantime, i continue to be extra cautious and have other nurses check along with me.

I have been an LPN for 13 years, but i worked on and off because i took time off to have my kids. (I have four)...and im not really the brightest person out there. I tend to hear and see things differently than other people. my brain doesnt work so well, and im guessing because i have chronic lyme? i know mentally lyme has taken its toll...there was a time before i was diagnosed that i would stand at the stove and not have a clue as to how to make dinner or what to make...with antibiotic tx i got better, but my brain still is not functioning at its best. i havent made any med errors as I really am nervous about it and careful. I triple and quadruple check everything before i give it. i have severe anxiety when going to bed at night hoping i did everything right. I help the LNAs on my floor when possible....last night i put someone on the bedpan wrong. I have no recollection of putting it on wrong and i have no idea why i put this pt on wrong. how stupid am i????i cant even do normal tasks...who puts someone on the bedpan wrong? then the phone rang and one of the lnas answered and said when you come out of so and so's room transfer the call to whoever....i came out, a bell rang i answered it as i was whizzing by and then i came out and one of my lnas said you have that call! i ran and transferred the call and transferred it wrong. what is wrong with me? i really think i should quit my job but im the only one working in my home and need the money. To make matters worse, on saturday i received an order for an antibiotic QID and i wrote it as QD...i really am an idiot. how could i do that? I started crying but no one noticed...it was just a bad night, but i am stupid on a daily basis. I do stupid things and im not sure of myself, my self esteem is in the basement...i was told i was a good nurse but maybe not anymore since the lyme symptoms are coming back. i have to work....and i love working. but im just so dumb. i feel that to be a good nurse i cant make mistakes...everyone else is smarter than me...i really dont know what to do. im very careful but obviously when writing that order in the MAR i wasnt....and i cant for the life of me explain how i thought QID said QD because i knew it was QID. I had the order right in front of me when i wrote it in the MAR. i have chronic headaches and i get probably 4 hours of sleep since i work 3-11 and have to get my kids up at like 5-6am. another example of my stupidity is i was looking for 7mg coumadin...i had threes so i said to the other nurse if you have a 3 and a 1mg thats good and shes like what do you have and im like oh i have a 4 and a 3....and as soon as i said it i realized, im an idiot. my other job before this was early intervention/home health nurse for people living with HIV and that was not clinical at all. I was constantly told that i was the best nurse they ever had. maybe im not cut out for clinical which makes me feel inadequate. i mean i was stupid there too, i went to make coffee for everyone thinking i was being nice and burned myself becuase i didnt know how the coffee pot worked. i labeled myself as office dipshit and laughed but inside i beat myself up for being so stupid. all my life ive felt stupid but now since i got lyme i feel even dumber. i just had to vent i dont know what else to do. thanks for reading my rant.