I am in an absolute state of panic right now... need help

[NurseCard]

Here's the deal. I HAVE to quit my job.

If I don't, I'm either going to end up:

--Getting fired

--Cracking, mentally

--Getting reported to the BON

--A combination of the above... and SOON.

The problem is that you know, I can't just run right out and get a job making what I make now. Probably not even NEAR what I make now. I am part of a family of three and I make the good majority of the money.

But, I had a horrible, horrible thing happen to a patient this morning as the result of HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE mistakes that I made during my shift.

Other than that, I don't even feel like going into what happened. My stomach is literally tied in knots right now. I can't handle moments like this anymore, I just can't. I am a med surge nurse and I feel like I can't handle the sheer responsibility any more, I can't handle making such crucial mistakes anymore and "learning" from them (which I never seem to do), I just simply cannot handle my job anymore... mentally, physically, emotionally. I am such a thin-skinned person and that's part of what makes things really hard.

I. just. can't. do. it. any. more. I can't even go back tonight. I can't face what I did, I can't face that place, I just can't face any of it.

I have to get another job. I'm panicking because it's like, I need a job, outside of the hospital, NOW. Home health or health dept, or some sort of state job, would be ideal. I'm thinking about calling my MIL and asking her to go to bat for me and see if she can get me hired with one of the health dept's (she's a head person over state health dept's).

We have lots of bills. We have a very tight budget as it is. I can't just quit, but I don't know what else to do. This isn't just a sudden thing; med surge, hospital nursing in general, has ALWAYS stressed me out to the max, and I have a hard time handling when ANYTHING goes bad during my shift. What happened this morning, *JUST* as I was about to finish and give report, was the absolute END. I can't do this anymore.

I like predictability. I like a slow pace. I like ambulatory people. I don't like stress. I don't like when things change at a spit second's notice. I'm NOT a good med-surge/hospital nurse.

But I have a responsibility, and I need to just go back to my job until I can find something else. But right now I just CAN'T. I can't face it. I know I'm weak and I know I'm running away, but... I can't do it.

I'm sorry if I'm being a huge downer to someone who's reading this and wants to be a nurse. That isn't my intention at all. There are some very very good nurses out there who are excellent at what they do, which is med-surge. I just am not one of them.

I guess I could work in a small ER if I stayed in the hospital, but I don't know any of the area ER's that are hiring, or would hire me. I'm just scared to stay in the hospital. I"m a terrible nurse. I'm thinned skinned as you-know-what, I have no common sense whatsoever. The best thing for me would be to just get out of nursing alltogether, but I CAN'T. What else will I do? I have some slight experience doing graphic design, and I have experience as a convenience store manager. That's about it.

I don't know what to do. I literally feel like I am going to crack.

[CrunchRN, ADN, RN]

My heart aches for you - I hope you follow the excellent advice you have gotten. You need and deserve a break from hospital nursing. When things do settle down you need to let your spouse be more accountable - do not let it be optional for him. I wish you all the best. Perhaps going back on the meds short term will help you through this intense time in your life.

[amnesia]

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this stressful time. Hope things settle down for you soon. Sounds like everyone has given some great advice already!

[General E. Speaking, RN, RN]

Difficult situation for sure. Sorry you are in pain. I have used the EAP thru my hospital and it helped tremendously. If it's available, please check into that avenue. My issues started 12 years ago, I had terrible post-partum anxiety and have had a few sporatic episodes where it reared it's ugly head once again. It is a paralizing fear to feel out of control. Sounds like you are trying to do "everything" and it is catching up with you. I hope your spouse will realize that his lack of help/support is detrimental to your well-being. Keep in contact with your friend perhaps if you share your situation with her, your friendship will grow and she will become someone you can confide in. You are in my prayers. Please keep us posted. :icon_hug:

I agree that journaling is very theraputic!

[mediatix8]

Hey... I sent you a private message but I don't know if you saw it. I'm a new nurse too and think it would be good for us to exchange experiences. I'll tell you about all the dumb things I've done and I'm sure it will make you feel better. Well if you're interested, PM me for my email address.

[barefootlady, ADN, RN]

*Whew!* Again, thank you for all of the good suggestions/advice.

I've already been in counseling in the past year, over stress issues. My husband gave me hell over it. I ended up going on medication and it helped a lot, but also made me tired all the time, killed my libido, and made me gain weight. I have been trying to do without the drugs for a while, and have actually done, believe it or not, okay.

I will post again later with more, but right now I have to take my little one to her grandparents. I am going to really start looking for work outside of the hospital. I do realize that the rest of my life needs work also =), and I do believe that I'm going to sit DH down and have a nice calm, heart-to-heart with him.

I have also considered mental health/psyche nursing as an option... I've considered it a LOT... but I've had doubts whether I can even handle IT. I think I would be able to handle a small psyche unit in a large hospital, than working in a large state hospital, with the "worst of the worst". I used to actually work in the psyche unit of our hospital from time to time when I was a tech, and LOVED it. Unfortunately, it's since been closed.

Again, thanks a BUNCH, all. I'll post more later.

I am so glad you have taken the time to step back from the situation, take a deep breath, and make a few plans. Please keep us posted and know we on the board wish you the very best in your career and life. :balloons:

[barefootlady, ADN, RN]

No need to apologize, I know exactly how you feel. I am a couple of weeks away from taking the CPNE and my common-law husband of 11 yrs. has decided he is in love with another woman and I need to sign over my half of the house to him before I get out. We never did have much of a normal loving relationship but it's still a slap in the face. I'm so stressed out I am having trouble sleeping and concentrating on anything. Not to mention I can expect no help from him financially because he is on disability.

So now I can worry about supporting myself and three children.

I'm two months late on my car payment.

I'm grossly overweight and am too depressed to worry about diet.

I have one friend and even that is not a close one.

At least you have your husband.

Feel free to pm me if you ever want to vent more.

WOW! It sure sounds like you have been dealt a triple whammy. I am very sorry you are dealing with so many problems. Please, please, please, do not sign anything, move out, or give anything away before you seek some legal counsel. If your name is on the property too and you have paid on this property, you have a right to compensation. That much I do know.

Please take care of yourself and your children, counselling is an excellent way to start, also the journel, and get in touch with your local battered womens group. Now, I know you did not mention physical trauma, and I am not implying such, but they are a wealth of information for resources available to you and your children. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I am sure a window will open for you and a ray of sunlight will stream in to give you some comfort. Please let us know how things progress for you and your family. :balloons:

[UM Review RN, ASN, RN]

:icon_hug: No advice, just a well-earned hug. Take care of yourself, RNW. We're here for ya.

[Cute_CNA, CNA]

*Whew!* Again, thank you for all of the good suggestions/advice.

I've already been in counseling in the past year, over stress issues. My husband gave me hell over it. I ended up going on medication and it helped a lot, but also made me tired all the time, killed my libido, and made me gain weight. I have been trying to do without the drugs for a while, and have actually done, believe it or not, okay.

I will post again later with more, but right now I have to take my little one to her grandparents. I am going to really start looking for work outside of the hospital. I do realize that the rest of my life needs work also =), and I do believe that I'm going to sit DH down and have a nice calm, heart-to-heart with him.

I have also considered mental health/psyche nursing as an option... I've considered it a LOT... but I've had doubts whether I can even handle IT. I think I would be able to handle a small psyche unit in a large hospital, than working in a large state hospital, with the "worst of the worst". I used to actually work in the psyche unit of our hospital from time to time when I was a tech, and LOVED it. Unfortunately, it's since been closed.

Again, thanks a BUNCH, all. I'll post more later.

Are you saying that your husband is not supportive of you seeking help? If so, that may be part of the problem.

[nurse1717]

How are you doing?

[leeniebeanie_2767]

My thoughts are with you. A vacation, even if it means you do absolutely nothing, might be the break you need. There are plenty of other choices and having a degree in something makes that a bonus for you. The most important thing right now is your health. Bills will always be there, but your health takes top priority! Write down a list of things you do enjoy and try to pursue them. If you used up all of your vacation time at work, you still can take some if you are to a breaking point in your career. What good will you be for others, including your children ( I know you still take care of your children first, always) but Life is but a fleeting moment. Take some time to smell the flowers. Jobs are always available. Good luck in your decisions. You desrve the rest. -Aileen:flowersfo

[HARRN2b]

Sending hugs your way. Trust me, marriage is not what it is cracked up to be! Home ownership isn't either. I am about ready to buy an rv and live in it. I just want to work some and sit in my rv and look at the mountains!!

[bcskittlez]

I see that you are pregnant.. I think that may have been the top of the totem pole of your emotions...Congratulations BTW!