My husband died suddenly 5 weeks ago. We have no children. I need to go back to work in order to pay bills.
I am a recent nurse graduate. I haven't even taken my boards yet. I started a good job on a great unit. I was there for only 1 month, still orienting, when my husband passed.
I work on a cardiac/ thoracic/ Covid step down. While my patient load is low, it can be very stressful, including many codes. My husband coded twice before he died. I don't think I can participate in any codes.
I am exhausted from my grief. I am deep in the middle of "widow's fog" where I can barely remember if I took my medication or fed the cat or locked the door. I do not think I will be safe to go back to work on a step down unit.
Ultimately, the question I have is, can anyone suggest any low stress nursing specialities (inpatient or outpatient) that would hire and train a new grad? Before all of this happened, I was ambitious, curious and driven. Now, I just want a job that I can punch in/ punch out/ go home. I would really like a remote job, but I know that most of them require at least 1 year of bedside experience.
I know this is going to be a stretch, but I could really use some guidance, suggestions, help, etc.
Big Hugs...I am so very sorry you are dealing with this...I lost my husband in my 20's with a 5 year old. My situation did not allow me to even consider not working. I'm not sure I processed his death completely for many years because I just my put my nose to the grindstone and stayed in survival mode for a long time.
I am so glad you have support at your job. I agree with a PP who suggested your EAP. Be gentle with yourself. One thing I learned was no feeling was right or wrong, it just is. You WILL find your way.
Specializes in Physiology, CM, consulting, nsg edu, LNC, COB.
My deepest sympathy for your unfathomable loss.
Don’t make any big decisions now. I understand you need to pay the bills, but see what else you can do about that. If you have a car payment, see if they will let you defer for a bit until things settle down. Likewise your rent or mortgage. Some loan and credit plans allow deferrals or interest forgiveness after a death. I know find out all this sounds daunting at a time when you can’t even remember whether you fed the cat (FWIW, she’ll probably remind you, so no worries there) but see if your grief counselor can recommend somebody to help you with all this. Often the people at funeral homes have help, too.
If you haven’t already contacted Social Security, do that ASAP. It is quite likely you will be eligible for survivor benefits. It has been my experience that they are remarkably efficient and kind, and you may be gratified by the check. That should make it easier to get by. Likewise any insurance carriers. Besides any benefits, your car insurance premiums will be less for one driver. Every little bit helps.
It’s wonderful that your work is making modifications for you. Take them. Part time is fine. No big decisions now. (Repeat as necessary)
You will find yourself exhausted more easily, so plan “you time” to take a drive or a walk, sit down and cry as much as you need to, and then get up and get on for as much as you need to, but no more. You will find that if you are overwhelmed at one moment or one day, looking at your calendar and saying to yourself, “Thursday at 2:00 is a good time to go sit in the woods/beach/nature preserve for that” sounds odd, but it’s really helpful to have even a small manageable shred of planning to manage suffering. This maneuver has gotten me through a lot.
If you did home dialysis with your husband, I would be concerned that working dialysis might be more triggering than easy. Your call, but again.... no big decisions now. This takes time.
Hugs and warm thoughts. Take care.
ETA: written before I saw you had resigned. If it feels right, it probably is.
Don’t make any big decisions now. I understand you need to pay the bills, but see what else you can do about that. If you have a car payment, see if they will let you defer for a bit until things settle down. Likewise your rent or mortgage. Some loan and credit plans allow deferrals or interest forgiveness after a death. I know find out all this sounds daunting at a time when you can’t even remember whether you fed the cat (FWIW, she’ll probably remind you, so no worries there) but see if your grief counselor can recommend somebody to help you with all this. Often the people at funeral homes have help, too.
If you haven’t already contacted Social Security, do that ASAP. It is quite likely you will be eligible for survivor benefits. It has been my experience that they are remarkably efficient and kind, and you may be gratified by the check. That should make it easier to get by. Likewise any insurance carriers. Besides any benefits, your car insurance premiums will be less for one driver. Every little bit helps.
It’s wonderful that your work is making modifications for you. Take them. Part time is fine. No big decisions now. (Repeat as necessary)
You will find yourself exhausted more easily, so plan “you time” to take a drive or a walk, sit down and cry as much as you need to, and then get up and get on for as much as you need to, but no more. You will find that if you are overwhelmed at one moment or one day, looking at your calendar and saying to yourself, “Thursday at 2:00 is a good time to go sit in the woods/beach/nature preserve for that” sounds odd, but it’s really helpful to have even a small manageable shred of planning to manage suffering. This maneuver has gotten me through a lot.
If you did home dialysis with your husband, I would be concerned that working dialysis might be more triggering than easy. Your call, but again.... no big decisions now. This takes time.
Hugs and warm thoughts. Take care.
ETA: written before I saw you had resigned. If it feels right, it probably is.
Thank you, so much, for your advice. Solid advice, indeed.
It's been about a week or so when I initially posted this and, right now, I'm doing a little bit better. I've accomplished a lot of tasks and been as busy as I want to be. Resigning from my position was a very, very difficult decision but I know it was the right one for me. And you're right about the cat... he definitely lets me know when he needs to be fed, LOL!
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
6 hours ago, Midlife452 said:
Thank you for your thoughtful reply
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It sounds like you may be acquainted with the path of grief, too.
I'm only 6 weeks out and his was a traumatic death, so I am in the right place right now on my grief timeline. I decided to resign from my position at my hospital. My managers were incredibly supportive and understanding. As soon as I submitted my notice, an incredible sense of relief came over me. I know this was the right thing to do.
I'm sorry for your friend's mom. It sounds like she is stuck in the awful comfort of her grief. I don't know why her counselor doesn't recognize complicated grief.
This is good information! Thank you. When you say "small" clinic, how many patients are you referring to?
You are amazingly self-aware. Everyone here is so sorry for your loss. Keep on seeking professional help and delay major decision-making where possible until you are a bit further along in the grief process.
I am so sorry for your loss! Are there any dermatology clinics by you that will hire RNs? The specialty is VERY busy, but there aren't any medical emergencies in Derm.
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
5 hours ago, SmilingBluEyes said:
You are amazingly self-aware. Everyone here is so sorry for your loss. Keep on seeking professional help and delay *further* major decision-making where possible until you are a bit further along in the grief process.
I am so sorry for your loss! Are there any dermatology clinics by you that will hire RNs? The specialty is VERY busy, but there aren't any medical emergencies in Derm.
I'd actually never thought about Dermatology. A friend of mine is doing her orientation at a clinic and she loves it.
Very sorry for your loss ?, your situation actually makes me very sad.
Have you tried any local churches? Their members can be very helpful or too intrusive, but they can be very helpful otherwise. I don't know if you are religious or not but your current needs are support and stress reduction. You have to be practical if possible.
Also they are surprisingly good re networking because lots have hospital affiliations. Aside from a nurse, I am also a businessman and a builder and even though I don't do the church thing etc,.... I recently purchased two old foreclosures which I was approached by a local church to house mothers in. I agreed and you won't believe how many of the congregation has volunteered to help with the refurbishment. And they have been annoyingly singing my praises at the local hospitals they volunteer in. I like to keep a low profile.
This is why I mentioned the churches. I am being annoyed by all these women who want to cook and mother me and I don't even put out the helpless vibes. This is why I think you should reach out to the local churches for support. If it's anything like my experience, they would be a good support system for you. Shoulders for crying and just the general things that women need. Us tough guys don't have such needs ?.
You offer tremendous wisdom, Emergent. We can honor our deceased loved ones by living honorably. We can cry and break down PRN and then get back up and move on.
Life can be awfully hard but we can do it. Thank you for this encouraging post.
Can you maybe share a little more about how you managed after losing your husband? How you still raised your children while coping with such terrible grief?
I am glad life is apparently going well for you.
My situation was very different than the OP because I had kids. Basically, I figured it out as I went along. I was still breastfeeding a toddler, had a preschooler, and older kids to help out. I worked 2 days a week and relied on social security at first. I lived in a very small town in a modest house, and threw myself into artsy home improvement projects, in retrospect too compulsively. I also became devoutly religious for a few years.
I could have done things better in some ways, but I did a lot of things right too. I definitely minded my finances prudently. I also ended up getting a chunk of money from the federal energy worker compensation insurance fund because my husband's cancer was found to be most likely cause by a chemical exposure at an environmental clean up site where he'd been employed, insured by the government. That helped with college expenses for the kids.
All the kids are grown, contributing, self-supporting adults and I'm loving my empty nest.
My husband died five years ago. I had to support and take care of my four children on my own. I was at that time to start an Lpn to RN program. I had to withdraw from school and was probably a wise decision. I think you are smart in looking to scale back and look for a lower stress job in your field or another field. The grief you will go through is real and hits you in waves. It will get get better, or should I say you will get better in coping. One thing I would suggest is possibly looking into support groups if available and/or part-time work. Good luck to you.
My husband died five years ago. I had to support and take care of my four children on my own. I was at that time to start an Lpn to RN program. I had to withdraw from school and was probably a wise decision. I think you are smart in looking to scale back and look for a lower stress job in your field or another field. The grief you will go through is real and hits you in waves. It will get get better, or should I say you will get better in coping. One thing I would suggest is possibly looking into support groups if available and/or part-time work. Good luck to you.
Thank you for your advice. I started casually applying for some vaccine positions.
I cannot imagine how difficult it has been for you with four children. I can barely manage myself in my present state.
NutmeggeRN, BSN
2 Articles; 4,743 Posts
Big Hugs...I am so very sorry you are dealing with this...I lost my husband in my 20's with a 5 year old. My situation did not allow me to even consider not working. I'm not sure I processed his death completely for many years because I just my put my nose to the grindstone and stayed in survival mode for a long time.
I am so glad you have support at your job. I agree with a PP who suggested your EAP. Be gentle with yourself. One thing I learned was no feeling was right or wrong, it just is. You WILL find your way.