Husband Died—Looking For Low Stress Job Recommendations

[Midlife452]

The title pretty much sums up my situation.

My husband died suddenly 5 weeks ago.  We have no children.  I need to go back to work in order to pay bills.

I am a recent nurse graduate.  I haven't even taken my boards yet.  I started a good job  on a great unit.  I was there for only 1 month, still orienting, when my husband passed.

I work on a cardiac/ thoracic/ Covid step down.  While my patient load is low, it can be very stressful, including many codes.  My husband coded twice before he died.  I don't think I can participate in any codes.

I am exhausted from my grief.  I am deep in the middle of "widow's fog" where I can barely remember if I took my medication or fed the cat or locked the door.  I do not think I will be safe to go back to work on a step down unit.

Ultimately, the question I have is, can anyone suggest any low stress nursing specialities (inpatient or outpatient) that would hire and train a new grad?  Before all of this happened, I was ambitious, curious and driven.  Now, I just want a job that I can punch in/ punch out/ go home.  I would really like a remote job, but I know that most of them require at least 1 year of bedside experience.

I know this is going to be a stretch, but I could really use some guidance, suggestions, help, etc.

[Wlaurie, RN]

I don't have any career advice to add. Just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss. I guess if it was me I'd try to take some kind of leave if possible, study for the NCLEX  and take that time to grieve.  Can you get any SSI for the children as a small source of income and then go back at a later date? 

[J.B.Chan, BSN]

Dear Midlife-

My most sincere condolences to you. I genuinely hope you can get some peace of mind and find a good low-stress job. Outpatient dialysis can be a very rewarding job, but can also be stressful with long hours. It truly depends on the clinic that you choose to work in. The smaller clinics that are open three days/week are your best bet. The larger clinics with more patients tend to be extremely hectic and stressful (not saying the smaller ones can't be stressful). Most dialysis companies will hire new grads and will train for up to 12 weeks (includes hands-on/virtual/in-class. My heart goes out to you- good luck! 

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

On 5/5/2021 at 1:45 PM, Midlife452 said:

Thank you for your reply.

Unfortunately, I don't have any family where we live.  His family is about 500 miles away.  My family is about 600.

I've started seeing a grief counselor.

My supervisor and manager have actually been amazing.  They are trying to do everything they can to make sure I can retain this job.  I do not want to disappoint them.  I just got off the phone with them and may try going back for a short time to see if I can actually handle it.

I really have no idea what I am doing or what I am supposed to do from one minute to the next.

Maybe you could just do part-time for a while.  Maybe work half days?  That way you would still keep your hand in there and would show the job that you really do want to come back.

Sadly, the US is not very grief-friendly.  We are pretty much expected to leave our sadness at home and go about working in pretty much a normal way.  The job, after all, does need you or they would not have hired you.  Their need, their economic situation make it hard for them to extend a long time of grieving for employees, especially those who are still not fully trained (therefore, not helping them financially yet).  

It is a bitter pill to swallow but that is what I have found to be the way things are.  Those who are hurt on the job get only a certain amount of time to get back to work, those who are in mourning or have some really heavy family or personal situations are expected to get back on their feet pretty quickly.

To quote Ma Joad in The Grapes of Wrath as she is counseling her pregnant daughter whose husband ran off and left his pregnant wife on her own - We always took what come to us dry-eyed.  

She is telling her to get back on her feet, push on, leave your sadness on your pillow and indulge in it only privately.  Other than that, keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You've got to get back on your feet because everyone else has trouble, too, and they can't bear their own and yours too.  

(TGOW is about the way life was for sharecroppers who had been pushed off of their farms during The Dust Bowl years by the bankers who held the mortgages.  The bankers could make a much bigger profit by not having sharecroppers.  So they threw them, literally, out into the dust.  The croppers were forced now to seek life elsewhere.   Many went to California where they did not find the promised high wages for plenty of work.  They became migrant workers who had to follow the crops from south to north as they ripened and were ready to harvest.  But there were too many migrants for too little work.  So people literally starved to death.  It was awfully hard times - a great testament of man's inhumanity to man.  A memorial to greed and love of money over good sense and over honoring God by caring for their fellow man.  The book was banned when it first came out because it portrayed such an ugly truth).

Hard to hear but there is truth in Ma's words.  Hard to do but the hardest, longest journey starts with the first step.

I pray God will strengthen and encourage you at this painful, lonely, frightening time.  It is also a time for growth and overcoming, much as we might not like to hear that.  

I have a friend who has been in serious mourning for her mother for several years now.  Her home is like a shrine to her mom.  She still has her mom's clothes, hearing aids, wheelchair, walker, glasses.  These items could be helping other people so I think she should donate or sell them.  It would be a charitable act.  And it would be a way to get more used to the fact that her mom is gone, which would be painful but true and helpful in the long run, I think.  Her religious counselor tells her that, too.  So far, she has not done it.

Her grief counselor tells her that her behavior is OK because her grief journey is her own.  True enough.  But is it helping her to rebuild her life?  Is it getting her back into interacting with friends, neighbors, family?  Is it good for her? *s it healthy?

I am so sorry about your husband passing.  And I hope you will find the way to move forward.  I think you will.  You sound strong and sensible.  Sad and mourning, but I think you will, ultimately, be able to keep on stepping.

Have you considered moving back to be nearer to your family?  Might that be a good thing?

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

On 5/5/2021 at 11:34 PM, Emergent said:

I just want to say, give yourself time to grieve, yes. But also forge ahead and make new memories. You might find a lot of solace in taking on new challenges and conquering them. 

You can be strong, and honor the man you loved, and sometimes sob uncontrollably, then wash your face and carry on. 

There is something powerful and profound in having had true love. You'll carry that until the day you die❤

You offer tremendous wisdom, Emergent.  We can honor our deceased loved ones by living honorably.  We can cry and break down PRN and then get back up and move on.

Life can be awfully hard but we can do it.  Thank you for this encouraging post.

Can you maybe share a little more about how you managed after losing your husband?  How you still raised your children while coping with such terrible grief?

I am glad life is apparently going well for you.

[Midlife452]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply 

9 minutes ago, Kooky Korky said:

Maybe you could just do part-time for a while.  Maybe work half days?  That way you would still keep your hand in there and would show the job that you really do want to come back.

Sadly, the US is not very grief-friendly.  We are pretty much expected to leave our sadness at home and go about working in pretty much a normal way.  The job, after all, does need you or they would not have hired you.  Their need, their economic situation make it hard for them to extend a long time of grieving for employees, especially those who are still not fully trained (therefore, not helping them financially yet).  

It is a bitter pill to swallow but that is what I have found to be the way things are.  Those who are hurt on the job get only a certain amount of time to get back to work, those who are in mourning or have some really heavy family or personal situations are expected to get back on their feet pretty quickly.

To quote Ma Joad in The Grapes of Wrath as she is counseling her pregnant daughter whose husband ran off and left his pregnant wife on her own - We always took what come to us dry-eyed.  

She is telling her to get back on her feet, push on, leave your sadness on your pillow and indulge in it only privately.  Other than that, keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You've got to get back on your feet because everyone else has trouble, too, and they can't bear their own and yours too.  

Hard to hear but there is truth in it.  Hard to do but the hardest, longest journey starts with the first step.

I pray God will strengthen and encourage you at this painful, lonely, frightening time.  It is also a time for growth and overcoming, much as we really don't like to hear that.  

I have a friend who has been in serious mourning for her mother for several years now.  Her home is like a shrine to her mom.  She still has her mom's clothes, hearing aids, wheelchair, walker, glasses.  These items could be helping other people so I think she should donate or sell them.  It would be a charitable act.  And it would be a way to get more used to the fact that her mom is gone, which would be painful but true and helpful in the long run, I think.  

Her grief counselor tells her that her behavior is OK because her grief journey is her own.  True enough.  But is it helping her to rebuild her life?  Is it getting her back into interacting with friends, neighbors, family?  Is it 

good for her?  Healthy?

I am so sorry about your husband passing.  And I hope you will find the way to move forward.  

Have you considered moving back to be nearer to your family?  Might that be a good thing?

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.  It sounds like you may be acquainted with the path of grief, too.

I'm only 6 weeks out and his was a traumatic death, so I am in the right place right now on my grief timeline.  I decided to resign from my position at my hospital.  My managers were incredibly supportive and understanding.  As soon as I submitted my notice, an incredible sense of relief came over me.  I know this was the right thing to do.  

I'm sorry for your friend's mom.  It sounds like she is stuck in the awful comfort of her grief.  I don't know why her counselor doesn't recognize complicated grief.

35 minutes ago, J.B.Chan said:

Dear Midlife-

My most sincere condolences to you. I genuinely hope you can get some peace of mind and find a good low-stress job. Outpatient dialysis can be a very rewarding job, but can also be stressful with long hours. It truly depends on the clinic that you choose to work in. The smaller clinics that are open three days/week are your best bet. The larger clinics with more patients tend to be extremely hectic and stressful (not saying the smaller ones can't be stressful). Most dialysis companies will hire new grads and will train for up to 12 weeks (includes hands-on/virtual/in-class. My heart goes out to you- good luck! 

This is good information!  Thank you.  When you say "small" clinic, how many patients are you referring to?

[Midlife452]

On 5/8/2021 at 9:28 AM, Wlaurie said:

I don't have any career advice to add. Just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss. I guess if it was me I'd try to take some kind of leave if possible, study for the NCLEX  and take that time to grieve.  Can you get any SSI for the children as a small source of income and then go back at a later date? 

Thank you.  Yes, that is exactly what I am doing.  I'm studying right this second for the NCLEX (UWorld all the way)!  We didn't have kids, but I'm okay in the income department.

On 5/6/2021 at 10:24 PM, vintagegal said:

My heart goes out to you. First off, I am so very sorry for your loss. Next, please take time for you. I hope your husband had an insurance policy to carry you through for a bit so you can take time and sort out your affairs. This is trauma, you need time to recover. Once you have healed a bit from the grief, then you can find a career. From physician office, school nursing, or home health, there are many non-hospital, non-code jobs. Best of luck to you as you navigate this difficult time. 

Thank you.  I've been looking into public health, home health, school nurse.  This is my second career (I was easily 20-30 years older than all of my nursing school classmates, LOL) and I am very thankful that I chose nursing as my chapter two.  I know I'll be able to find a job anywhere.

[Midlife452]

On 5/6/2021 at 12:21 AM, EDNURSE20 said:

Why not try out being a covid vaccinator, they are looking for people and offer good money. It’s very low stress. 

Would I qualify to be one?  Sounds interesting.

[Midlife452]

On 5/6/2021 at 1:15 AM, speedynurse said:

Sometimes going back to the unit IF they are supportive may be the best choice until you can find something that’s better for you. I remember a very dear friend whose husband died and she had to take off 6 months from her job because she was in such a fog that she couldn’t think straight. She never went back to her critical care job and instead when to a non bedside nursing position that she has been at at a PRN basis. My heart breaks for you and I am not sure if I can offer any suggestions. I do hope you find a solution that works for you and your management supports you in whatever you choose to do.

Thank you.  My "widow's fog" is definitely one of the main things that had me questioning my return to my critical care position.  I submitted my resignation and feel a tremendous sense of relief.  I'm studying for the NCLEX right now and as soon as I pass that, I know I'll have more options opening up.

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

On 5/6/2021 at 2:13 PM, subee said:

Your last sentence says it all.  This is a terrible time to make any decisions.  It sounds like your supervisor and manager are gems and I wouldn't be quick to let go of them now.  You are still in the throes of exhaustion now.  Maybe start back with modified hours - something short of full-time so you can breathe easier until you get your emotional and physical strength back.  I always found work to be a good distraction during times of mourning.

I agree.

And when you do go back, don't talk about your situation.  People will naturally ask how you are and will express their condolences.  Thank them and change the subject.  Tell them you are fine, even if you aren't. Change the subject to them.  Ask "How are you"?

Don't let work be a place where the other people feel they have to tiptoe around you.  Go there to work, to learn.  Serve others.  Some of them also have very heavy loads.

This was written before I saw that you had resigned.  Perhaps it really is best to start anew elsewhere and I wish you all the best, Midlife.

 

[Midlife452]

On 5/5/2021 at 11:34 PM, Emergent said:

I just want to say, give yourself time to grieve, yes. But also forge ahead and make new memories. You might find a lot of solace in taking on new challenges and conquering them. 

You can be strong, and honor the man you loved, and sometimes sob uncontrollably, then wash your face and carry on. 

There is something powerful and profound in having had true love. You'll carry that until the day you die❤

Thank you for your kinds words.  Ironically, there are myriad new challenges in grief that I never knew existed.  I feel like I'm conquering them, LOL.  

[TriciaJ, RN]

12 minutes ago, Midlife452 said:

Would I qualify to be one?  Sounds interesting.

I don't know why you wouldn't qualify.  They've got pharmacy techs and all kinds of other people giving the shots.  A nurse is golden.

[Golden_RN, MSN]

I am so, so sorry.  

May I suggest public health nursing (at the county or state level) or school nursing?  These may be a great option for you, especially if you have a BSN.