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Discussion

How much have you changed?

I wish I could understand with more depth the change that has occurred within me, and why.

I’ve been a nurse for five years and I am not the same nurse I was when I first hit the floor.

I’m not even the same nurse I was two years ago.

What caused this change?

Time? Switching from medsurg to ICU

I mean, it’s sorta comical. My level of cynicism and the joy I take in dark humor.

Also, going to work as a newer nurse was always a little stressful but it was a different kind of stress, the stress I have now is still a little bit of fear of the unknown but like 90% annoyed at what I’ll experience.

Thank God I am going to PRN, I’ll be working PRN ICU and PRN Nurse call center whilst getting my masters degree.

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    • Featured Replies

    My biggest change is becoming what I call a "rationist" (if that's even a word; I guess it is now.)

    I firmly believe in sane and humane rationing/limiting of healthcare services.

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    I mean, it’s sorta comical. My level of cynicism and the joy I take in dark humor.

    I have now is still a little bit of fear of the unknown but like 90% annoyed at what I’ll experience.

    8 hours ago, CardiacDork said:

    Lol Words out of my own mind...Was getting on myself earlier for being so darn cynical.

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    • Experts

    I think there are a few factors that cause such a transformation that you describe...they are not unique to nursing but are always present and, I believe, eventually take their toll on every nurse to some degree or the other.

    One factor is the constant realization of the potential for disaster. You never know when a patient is going to code or develop a life threatening condition but you fully understand it could happen at any moment and you hope you recognize and intervene successfully. So, when you clock in, you put on this cloak of anxiety of the unknown until you clock out. Remember, it was a good shift if nobody died.

    Another factor is the lack of patient/family accountability or responsibility present in today's health care industry where "clients/customers" (don't get me started about that) can virtually say and do anything that's on their mind with no repercussion. Administration takes little to no responsibility in this environment and thus, it equates to a nurse developing the feeling of inadequacy and whatever they do is never good enough. I understand there are exceptions but I'm talking overall.

    One more...nurses are seldom "off." We seldom are able to have a conversation in public without being asked about some person's symptoms, warts, moles, rashes, etc., or asked about Grandma's diabetic feet or their nephew's knee pain. No one wants to talk about our favorite sports team, what movie we saw last, or how our kids are doing.

    So, I think cynicism in nursing is inevitable to some degree for everyone.

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    Also it doesn't help that we all pretty much work in a dysfunctional, broken system. The problems with healthcare are so numerous; high cost of care, high cost of insurance, high cost of meds. Underpaid nurses and providers, and not enough of them. Hospitals acquiring more and more equipment, adding more units and wings, and satellite centers, then beds remain unfilled due to lack of personnel. Electronic medical records that are supposed to know everything and be universal, yet the varying systems do not communicate with each other so no one knows anything, and finding out takes forever. These same electronic records were supposed to eliminate paperwork, but charts are more massive than they have ever been, because there is more and more paperwork. Patients and families are more and more demanding, and everytime there is an issue, admin takes their side over their own professionally trained staff. Somehow we as nurses (and all other staff), have to work in this system and pretend that everything is just peachy. I'm getting depressed just writing all this...thank goodness I'm an elementary school nurse!!!! I love my job. Offer me triple my salary and I wouldn't go back to bedside nursing.

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    1 hour ago, OldDude said:

    One more...nurses are seldom "off." We seldom are able to have a conversation in public without being asked about some person's symptoms, warts, moles, rashes, etc., or asked about Grandma's diabetic feet or their nephew's knee pain. No one wants to talk about our favorite sports team, what movie we saw last, or how our kids are doing.

    It's interesting, Old Dude, I actually am finding that the opposite is happening, My 40 years of experience are USELESS and I know NOTHING. Dr. Google knows EVERYTHING, no matter how ridiculous, bizarre and just completely wrong. If they read it online, it is the gospel truth, and NOTHING I say makes any difference whatsoever. I have learned to just channel Seinfeld......"Serenity now...!"

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    Good topic. I've always been a little rough around the edges. Marriage and parenthood helped soften that. Nursing, however, requires it of me. (Though it requires the softer side, too). Sometimes I find myself appalled at my own thinking or the stuff that comes out of my mouth -- and I think 'this is not who I want to be', BUT....

    the truth is, what I do for work -- it's unfathomable stuff to most people -- I get asked all the time why I do this job -- my answer is, I do like the work, I am physically able, I have the knowledge to do it, and I do it well. I am well paid and provide benefits to my family, and I have four days off each week to get my head on straight.

    So I guess I try to stay true to my beliefs and values no matter where I am. Nursing just brings out different aspects of my personality.

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    • Experts

    Once upon a time, I had the belief that if you, anybody, had a job, they did the very best, or were the very best, at that particular job.

    That erroneous belief was supported as a result of the hospital where I got my EMT certification in 1979, my LPN training in 1983, and first hospital nursing job in 1984. The township hospital was clean, ran well, and you, the employee, was a member of a family. Those first 10 years of working in the medical field were my halcyon days.

    I left the township hospital the very last day of 1990 to work in other hospitals, home health, two mental health clinics, and an LTC facility. My belief was shaken several times in the next 13 years, but did not crumble until I began working in a for profit medical center in 2003.

    All of a sudden, it seemed that laziness, apathy, and incompetence were the par for the course. As one coworker stated, "If you do what you're supposed to do around here, you're a rock star nurse!"

    I thought that maybe I was working at the bottle of the barrel hospital until I found this website in 2010 and learned many other nurses feel and believe the same of the facility where they work.

    I have changed in that now I know that true happiness comes not from what others do or say or what what happens around me, but from being at peace with myself. If I think I'm doing a good job, then I'm doing a good job. Although I like praise and support as much as the next guy, I am not in need of that external reinforcement as much I once was.

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    In addition to acquiring a very dark sense of humor and losing my faith in just about all of humanity, these are the chances I've noticed:

    -More confidence. Not in the sense that I think I know and can do everything, but I'm pretty sure I can figure it out.

    -I don't need everyone to like me! This is such a positive change and has benefits throughout my professional and personal life. Everything is so much simpler now that I make decisions without stressing about this.

    -I'm always expecting someone to freak out, no matter where I am (thanks, psych). I'm constantly on high alert and predicting disaster, which is somewhat helpful at work but terrible outside of it.

    -I'm a pain to watch medical shows with now, I'll tell ya that much. "That's not how that works. That's not real. That's not a thing." It's a wonder my boyfriend even tries to watch anything with me anymore.

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    • Experts

    Great post, NightNerd!

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    18 hours ago, NightNerd said:

    -I'm a pain to watch medical shows with now, I'll tell ya that much. "That's not how that works. That's not real. That's not a thing." It's a wonder my boyfriend even tries to watch anything with me anymore.

    I'm the same way? drives my husband nuts!!!

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    Changes for the better: more assertive and confident, more knowledgeable, more compassion for all kinds of people I had never interacted with before becoming a nurse, able to tell the difference between a true emergency and "omg my hair looks weird today!"

    Changes for the worse: more cynical, super depressed some days, easily irritated, and yes unable to watch medical shows!

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    Nightnerd, you nailed it! Though I have stopped watching medical shows because I just can’t stand how out of touch with reality they are.

    Developing a dark sense of humor has been my coping mechanism for those crazy and draining nights. Definitely have lost a lot of faith in humanity unfortunately.

    I have seen that doctors, and the healthcare system in general, is far from perfect. Mistakes are made. And it makes me more vigilant with my own health and makes me question my own doctors decisions more, as I have seen things fall through the cracks too many times. I guess you could say I’m paranoid about certain things! I got prescribed a medication recently and I looked it up to ID the pill to make sure the pharmacist didn’t fill my prescription with the wrong drug.

    and I’m comforted now by the fact that I may not know the answer to everything, but I know what my resources are and will find the answer/figure it out.

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