Has Nursing hardened you?

KaroSnowQueen, RN · Apr 25, 2012

As many other posters have said, I don't think its being in nursing in general that has made a change in me, so much as life itself has changed me. Nursing is a much harder job than you are prepared for in nursing school - at least that was my perception at 23 when I was newly graduated.

You do begin to be able to sniff out the BS'ers - the frequent flyers, the drug seekers, the obnoxious demanding pts/familes, the antagonizing managers/supervisors - at 50 paces. You see things that you can't hardly believe are happening to people in your part of the world - meth heads whose children live UNDER the trailer - not in it, parents with no idea of good parenting skills and no intent on finding them, people in obviously toxic relationships - things you hoped happened somewhere 'out there' in the world.

You realize that management doesn't give a flying flap about your personal well being, they just want a warm body on the floor and don't much care that you think your assignment is dangerous. That nice story about nursing being a calling that you learned in nursing school? Well, that may or may not be true, but your employer really doesn't care about your empathy for the patients as long as the Press-Gainey scores are up. You can be the most caring nurse in the world and all it takes is a couple of post cards from PG saying you didn't get their ice water quick enough and you get called on the carpet.

That being said, I remain very compassionate for those people who are truly ill or in need. Even those whom I think are just milking the system, I remained very pleasant and calm towards them. It was my job to take care of them, and part of that job was to keep my thoughts to myself. And that extended to keeping my thoughts about certain annoying as H---fire co-workers as well!!!! Keeping my mouth shut has saved me a lot of trouble, once I learned to do that!!!!

Its just that life and the things you see and experience change you, and some people are just the way they are, regardless. I no longer work at the bedside, and for me, that was the best thing I could do for myself after 24 years of nursing. I've been at my present job for 5 years and I really have become much less 'hard' on the outside. I am again a nice warm ooey gooey person that I've always been underneath.

oneaware · Apr 25, 2012

perhaps "hardened" is one way of referring to the process of socialization which occurs as we go through school and enter the profession. it implies different facets for different people. many an idealist started their education with a heart of gold and a dream of helping others. the american healthcare system is often more than discouraging and disillusioning, but some of us become resilient and determined not to conform to such stereotypes as discussed in this thread. sure, we all have bad days and bad patients, but many a veteran nurse is every bit as compassionate as they always were. in a world that drags people down and desensitizes the masses, it is truly a testament to the strong will and character of those who refuse to grow cold and disheartened.

when you see how disgruntled healthcare workers can be at every level, it might be easy to generalize and think that this represents a majority. i disagree though. no man is an island unto himself.

pgnurse79 · Apr 25, 2012

Yeah, I'll admit I'm jaded and a little hardened too- take a look around you at what we are surrounded by:
--Big shot CEO's making policies that pull the rug out from underneath us and screw us over, while giving themselves a pat on the back and a considerable bonus.
--The new Hospital-Hotel confusion wherein the RN is also the servant, the cook, the waitress, and the pillow plumper. And before you say "well OF COURSE! We're here to hold hands, to serve and to plump pillows" it is all done for thankless jerks who then proceed to complain that "you didn't answer their call light within 7 seconds so they could give you their laundry list of things they want you to do for them- oh and you, the nurse are just a crappy nurse and deserve to be fired because you didn't give them their Dilaudid and Benadryl together! Wah! Oh and the ice water is TOO COLD! GO BACK AND GET ME ANOTHER!"
--Patients who get away with physically hurting nurses (patients in their right minds) and then who gets fired or punished? You guessed it!
--People who abuse the system: "BOO HOO! I don't get enough from public assistance! I'm starving, I'm wasting away! My morbidly obese 7 year old stuffing his face with Cheetos in the corner over there doesn't get a decent meal... all this while sporting 4 inch acrylic nails, several rings on their fingers, designer purse, cell phone, smokes in the designer purse, and a solid gold tooth or two.
We work hard, we DO care about our patients- we stay past quitting time for the sake of the patient and then we get told we're not doing enough. "Oh how nice a patient wrote in a comment about how good you were as their nurse, but unfortunately you haven't answered the call light within 5 seconds, so you're being written up.
So yeah...I'm pretty hardened and jaded. I love my job, I meet some pretty groovy people along the way and I have some awesome days, but the reality is that nursing seems to be evolving into a profession that isn't so much about caring as it is about politics, education and how many letters you have behind your name.

This is so eerie but what you described was my shift last nite. If we aren't "hardened", nurses will have a nervous breakdown the way pt's and families treat us nowadays! I used to cry after my shift when I was a new grad.

KittyBinimi · Apr 25, 2012

I'm currently a student, and I have noticed that some of the older clinical instructors are very cold, harsh and indecent towards some of the nursing students, myself included. I know some PCAs. One certain PCA, a 31 year old nursing student w/military experience, referred to some of the nurses on her unit as " cold *******" and said she was afraid after many years of working in the field (after graduating and passing the NCLEX, of course), she will end up just like them. Many of the other nursing students have voiced similar experiences, saying that many of the nurses on their unit were just rude or plain cold.

What do you mean by "cold"? I can take that to mean uncaring in regard to patients/residents. I can take that to mean being no-nonsense with coworkers/students. I can take it to mean many things, good and bad. I'm having trouble understanding your observations based on how you described them.

KenH · Apr 25, 2012

Just another thread about, a new Grad or student complaining of , How it's not fair, how wrong things are, why do nurses have to be so mean, it's just not how I thought it was going to be, why are the nursing instructors so mean to me.

If you can graduate , pass boards, keep your first job, transition from being a student who knows everything about nursing without being a nurse, you might be able to learn and survive and maybe be a good NURSE.

In my class there was a big sign that said, "Put Your Big Girl Panties On and Deal with It",

just do it.

mclennan, BSN, RN · Apr 25, 2012

I find this whole conversation to be a little ridiculous. People are so different, there is no across-the-board answer to a question like this. People's ages, life experiences, work experiences vary so widely, that even proposing such a broad question like this is really more a reflection on the original poster's naiveté than anything else. It might be fun to read such wildly different answers but I don't see how it is constructive or even informative.

Some nurses will say yes, some will say no, some will agree, some will disagree. Duh. How is this helpful to you, Princess Bride, or anyone else? Are you basing some big life or career decision on answers to your post? Or is this a thing veiled school assignment? Are you just trying to stir up pointless conversation? Or did you just not think of your objective carefully before posting? Did you just want to whine about not being coddled at clinicals? What were you hoping to accomplish with your post?

bookworm78910 · Apr 25, 2012

Boston Terrier Lover-

"I was hardened very stone-like at one time, but then I came to Allnurses.com, saw Meriwhen's avatar of the Lamb, and I can almost stomach kittens and flowers now."

From being owned and loved by a Boston Terrier and watching other people's reactions to her - I have no doubt if you can love a Boston with all their ideosyncracies, you can stomach kittens and flowers. BTW, the Boston in your avatar is adorable, my princess would approve - and chew on its nubby tail, while inviting him/her to run and play with her red rubber ball.

guest042302019, BSN, RN · Apr 25, 2012

I find this whole conversation to be a little ridiculous. People are so different, there is no across-the-board answer to a question like this. People's ages, life experiences, work experiences vary so widely, that even proposing such a broad question like this is really more a reflection on the original poster's naiveté than anything else. It might be fun to read such wildly different answers but I don't see how it is constructive or even informative.
Some nurses will say yes, some will say no, some will agree, some will disagree. Duh. How is this helpful to you, Princess Bride, or anyone else? Are you basing some big life or career decision on answers to your post? Or is this a thing veiled school assignment? Are you just trying to stir up pointless conversation? Or did you just not think of your objective carefully before posting? Did you just want to whine about not being coddled at clinicals? What were you hoping to accomplish with your post?

Maybe, as you stated, the OP wanted to get different viewpoints. I don't know. Because of the wide array of answers, I felt very informed. As soon as I read the title and the post, I figured there would be many different viewpoints. I figured it was expected with this type of question. It's sounds like you were offended. I'm sure the OP didn't mean offend anyone. Just ask a question.

wilsonbl5150 · Apr 25, 2012

Yes nursing hardens you because NURSING IS HARD!! There will be MANY DAYS when you leave your job feeling like the last warm blooded animal in a world full of vampires. I believe that, as nurses, we give so much of ourselves to our jobs that eventually we have nothing left.

Now to answer some of your questions: Q- Have you found yourself becoming colder and more detached or more warm and compassionate? Sure, I just have to have the self awareness that I'm "turning to stone" and slow down and focus on the good parts of nursing not the bad.

Has nursing made you depressed? No, nursing can be a refuge from what depresses me.

And finally (and most importantly) do you regret nursing? Absolutely not!!!! It's cliche but I didn't choose nursing, nursing chose me.

Finally BEfore nursing i working in banking, retail, and restaurants. There are " cold *******" everywhere.

moodygem · Apr 25, 2012

I have been pondering this very thing with in myself as of late. Or something similar. I have been in healthcare for 12-13 years and been an RN for 7 of those and I have been feeling burnt out the last 2 years. I think burn out is what you are sensing, especially, among hospital and nursing home nurses.

It is hard to see death an increasing violence over and over again and maintain the same level of empathy. Especially if the nurse is not taking care of herself outside of work (because of family obligations or working long hours etc). Lets face it after working 13 hours we are tired and dont have time to take care of ourselves. The number one piece of advice I get from nurses after a hard day is to "Have a glass of wine.. Or two" with a smile. I do not know any drug addicts on my unit but I do know a lot of my colleagues indulge in legal substances such as ETOH to cope with stressful days. Not that I would know if they were doing other drugs like pills.. Some smoke pot but not many.

I have felt increasingly worn out and I believe there are two paths you can take at this point. Disassociate more from your pts that are dying etc (seem cold and tough) or work less and take care of yourself more and consider a change. Not a total 180 but realize in nursing you have option. I have decided to go back to school and get my NP so I will not be on the front lines killing my back and my emotional well being. It is hard to keep that level of empathy when you graduate nursing for years. It wears on you. I have always given a lot to my pts and I think it is why i am so worn out now. For some the change might be to try another nursing field because school is not realistic.

Where i work I would say the bunt out and not is about in half. I know who I can go to for a sympathetic ear and who will brush it off saying," Welcome to nursing." Or, "Welcome to (insert name of unit here) ." I do not regret becoming a nurse. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. I wish my back didnt hurt as much and I wish the system worked more fore nurses and our pts but I do not regret it. You have to take care of yourself and know who you can go to for support. You need support as a nurse you can not suffer silently like so many do because they want to appear tough. For fear if they do not appear like they can handle it then they are bad nurses. When nursing is emotionally charged almost 100% of the time.

Get you RN and love it but pay attn to when you start to have feelings of bun out and talk to someone and take care of yourself. Step back and work less and then regroup and see if you need a change. That is my advice.

A Vermont RN

bagladyrn, RN · Apr 25, 2012

Okay, I've read all the posts and I have to jump in here.

Yes, there are times when I will appear to be "hard" and perhaps "cold". Those are the times when it is necessary for the ultimate well being of the patient. I work in OB and when needed I can switch from "C'mon honey, you can do this" to getting in their face and emphatically saying "You've GOT to push now!" (because your baby's heart rate is in the 40's and I don't have time to explain). I'm sure when I've had to jump up on a bed and shove my hand into someone's lower abdomen because if I don't the shoulder dystocia is going to result in a dead baby I look pretty mean to anyone watching.

I will admit I was very harsh with a coworker who was giggling as I gave report - I snapped at her pretty hard, but as it happened I was reporting on a fetal demise that had just happened and I was hurting pretty bad myself (and not showing because my melting down would not have helped the family). You don't always understand the circumstances behind the attitude.

By the way, you could do a lot worse than to think about the posts by such people as Ruby Vee. Sometimes the medicine that will help you the most comes in a pretty unpalatable flavor.

moodygem · Apr 25, 2012

I think the defensiveness with the issue of drug problems in nursing is more denial than anything. If you work with a team of nurses long enough you build a team and it is hard to imagine anyone in that team breaking a rule of nursing. It is sort of like sticking up for your buddies. But who really knows who is doing drugs.

I worked on an oncology floor and a night nurse noticed that when she came on the pt's were all in pain despite documentation that showed they took their meds. They caught 2 nurses stealing those narcs! I have caught and aide stealing patches and at my old job a nurse was found in a room passed out because she took too many narcs that day...