Grieving over brother's death, would like your thoughts----

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Specializes in NICU, Peds, Med-Surg.

Hi, I might be "grasping at straws" here, but thought maybe if people who know more about this than I do can give me

some input, it MIGHT help me......

I realize this may belong in the NEURO or ICU forum.......but not sure???

My baby brother and I were sooo close, and I ADORED him more than I can describe! He had severe high blood pressure and was on THREE meds----which we now know, he probably stopped taking. :cry: On Easter Sunday, he had a hemorrhage in the brain stem....the paramedics reported his BP as 249/ ???

(forgot the diastolic, but I will NEVER forget the 249!!!!) :(

About a year ago, his doc said he MIGHT have an adrenal tumor, and I bugged him and bugged him to get it checked

out, but he never did........:crying2:

His Glascow was a "3", pupils were pinpoint, no activity whatsoever except once in a while his leg would jump a bit..........intubated in ICU, etc. etc. etc. The results of the ECG and CT scan were NOT good.

The BLESSINGS are that we had 2 1/2 days with him to laugh, cry, sing, and LAUGH some more.....we have SO many

"In jokes" in our family, we had to rehash ALL of them.....LOL....well, almost! There were times we

were just SURE he was going to bust out laughing with us......:chuckle Not REALLY, but I think you know what I mean.

No, there was no denial there, we KNEW he was "gone"....

My least fave nurse of his intimidated me, and it TICKS ME OFF now when I think about this! I wanted to stay

by his side that first night, knowing he probably wouldn't live much longer. The snotty nurse said "and was this

PRE-ARRANGED?" ...............she HIGHLY encouraged me to go to the hotel. In my experience, MOST ICU nurses

are VERY cool about letting you stay. Now, keep in mind, I'm a nurse too! We noticed she was SUPER stressed

out with a new admit who took SOOO Much of her time! I TOTALLY get that she was stressed, but my baby

brother was DYING!!! Why did she have to be so snotty to me!!??

**Question # 1:Do y'all highly encourage family members to leave, even though you know they REALLLLY want to stay?

I know SLEEP is soo important, but all I did back at the hotel was CRY! Should I have called her and nicely asked

if I could come back??

And not only that, but we were SO nice to her.,....did NOT bother her while she was all involved in this complex

new admit. I LITERALLY hit "SILENCE" on my brother's piggy back for an HOUR and a HALF because NO ONE would stop

by to check it.....(I was NOT going to hit "stop".....didn't feel it was my place as a "visitor"....)

The organ donation people were AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! They explained that after going to OR and being extubated, if he

died within one hour, they could harvest some of the organs, and we could be there when (and IF) he died then. My sister, Dad and I were in the OR with him (my other brother chose not to be). We were prepared that he could've lived for days, a week or two? Who knew? But he died within five minutes of extubation....thank you God and your Mercy!

**Question # 2:

We believe that SOME "part" of him could hear us talking, laughing, praying, singing, touching him.....Do you believe

this, or do you think it's a fallicy (sp?) to make the loved ones feel better? Part of me wants to believe he felt us

there, then part of me thinks "Okay, with a GCS of THREE and a MAJOR brainstem hemorrhage, there's NO WAY

he knew ANYTHING that was going on!!!?

And on a HAPPY note, his liver and pancreas saved the life of a man his age.....both of his corneas went to TWO

different people who couldn't see, and now they can.....and the one that touched me the most-----a young guy

whose foot was crushed got my sweet baby brother's feet bones......!!! :D

Thanks for "listening" to my story. I will appreciate other's thoughts/ opinions/ stories! :nurse:

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Hugs to you, dear. You are in the middle of grieving and things probably seem pretty overwhelming. That nurse that was snotty to you should not have been, and if someone is dying in ICU, I think it's right that family get to be with them for the time left. Now, I don't work ICU, so maybe I don't have the logistics right, but it just seems like the decent thing to do.

Yes, your brother could hear you and knew you were all there. What a gift to be surrounded by loved ones and laughter. Bless you all for being there, and bless you all for agreeing to organ donation. That is a priceless gift made from the heart. Though you will miss him greatly, hang onto the good things that happened, and the memories of the good times you all had together. And it's ok to cry, get angry, and be sad. You have to move through all that. So sorry you had to suffer this huge loss.

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Specializes in Trauma & Emergency.

MOST ICU nurses are very good about allowing family members to stay if the patients death is imminent. I would have kindly told the nurse that if she wanted me removed she would have to call security. I think it is only right & proper for you to be allowed to stay with your brother at this time. IF she needed to provide care for him & do an assessment without your presence I would have left and came back in an hour to give her time to get everything done that she needed to.

That being said, you were with your brother--he could hear you & knew he was surrounded by those that loved him. Feel blessed to have ever known him & live your life filled with happy memories. Good luck to you, honey.

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Specializes in Med/Surg, ICU, educator.

I've never heard of a case of imminent death that the family wasn't allowed to stay.....

You're brother knew you were there, and in spirit, he was enjoying the fun and jokes too. And he is very grateful that he got to help others.

I'm sending hugs and warm thoughts to protect you and your family while you grieve. Take your time going through the memories, and don't let anyone rush you through the process. Take care

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Specializes in Certified Med/Surg tele, and other stuff.

I do believe they can hear. I encourage family members to talk to their loved ones. If for some reason the pt can't hear (and will we ever know?) it at least gives the family some closure with the pt.

BIG HUGS to you. I think the ICU nurse should have let you stay.

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oh my gosh, YES, your brother could hear you.

it doesn't matter the level of injury.

his spirit, his soul, was hearing and feeling your love.

and thank you for your generous and compassionate gift of his organs.

paying it forward, only serves to expand the circle of his love and his life.

may time be your friend, where peace, strength and healing will be abundant and comforting.

i'm so sorry about your loss.:icon_hug:

leslie

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, home-care.

:heartbeat I understand your grief. I am very sorry for your loss.

My oldest sister passed away very unexpectedly at 63 (no health insurance). She was caring for her husband of 38 years (whom had just had a quadtriple bypass 2 weeks earlier), and a 17 year old son. She too was an organ donor. I wish I had had the beautiful privilage to be with her at the end, as you did with your baby brother.

Yes, I do believe the inner person knows you are there at a time like this. The energy of ourselves makes the connection. May you find peace that you were given the privilage of being with you loved one through his passing. God bless you and yours:redpinkhe

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i just want to say that my heart goes out to you and your family. i am the oldest of 5 siblings and i can't imagine your pain. :bluecry1:

you have my deepest and most sincerest condolences. :redbeathe

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Specializes in Geriatrics..

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm also ashamed of that nurse who could only think of her own convenience while you were about to say goodbye to your brother for the last time.

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Specializes in CTICU.

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing my beloved brother so young. What a wonderful thing that you all got to spend some time with him before he died and gave him your love and laughter to leave with!

As someone who works in transplant nursing, I see the amazing results of your traumatic decision every day. Thank you for thinking of others in your time of grief and making such an incredible gift of life to others.

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Specializes in Pediatrics.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too lost a brother, my older brother, who was WAY too young to go, 3 years ago, and it was quick and unexpected as well. I don't think it's any easier when you have time to prepare, though. So I'm so sorry for the pain you and your family are experiencing now. I know it's cliche, but it does get a little easier with time.:redbeathe

I'm not a nurse yet, I'm a nursing student, and I know we've been taught in school that people who are unconscious may have some sensory perception. I couldn't tell you for sure, but if you feel that you had a connection with him while he was still alive for those 2 1/2 days, then I believe he did feel something, whether physically or spiritually.

I'm so sad that nurse treated you like that. Where's the sensitivity? Yes, she was probably stressed, as I couldn't imagine what an ICU nurse goes through sometimes, but you have to remain human and realize you're dealing with people and their families who love them and are worrying and stressed out even more than the nurses are at that particular time. I hope I always keep my humanity when I'm a nurse and I have to deal with people who are under difficult situations.

Thank you for donating your brother's organs. It's a way for him to live on and leave a legacy by impacting so many other people's lives. It's so sad and unfortunate that he had to leave Earth so early, but I'm sure he would like to know how much he helped others on his final day here.

Hugs to you and your family!!

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Specializes in SICU.

His Glascow was a "3", pupils were pinpoint, no activity whatsoever except once in a while his leg would jump a bit..........intubated in ICU, etc. etc. etc. The results of the ECG and CT scan were NOT good.

The BLESSINGS are that we had 2 1/2 days with him to laugh, cry, sing, and LAUGH some more.....

My least fave nurse of his intimidated me, and it TICKS ME OFF now when I think about this! I wanted to stay

by his side that first night, knowing he probably wouldn't live much longer. The snotty nurse said "and was this

PRE-ARRANGED?" ...............she HIGHLY encouraged me to go to the hotel.

**Question # 1:Do y'all highly encourage family members to leave, even though you know they REALLLLY want to stay?

I know SLEEP is soo important, but all I did back at the hotel was CRY! Should I have called her and nicely asked

if I could come back??

The organ donation people were AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! They explained that after going to OR and being extubated, if he

died within one hour, they could harvest some of the organs, and we could be there when (and IF) he died then. My sister, Dad and I were in the OR with him (my other brother chose not to be). We were prepared that he could've lived for days, a week or two? Who knew? But he died within five minutes of extubation....thank you God and your Mercy!

We believe that SOME "part" of him could hear us talking, laughing, praying, singing, touching him.....Do you believe

this, or do you think it's a fallicy (sp?) to make the loved ones feel better? Part of me wants to believe he felt us

there, then part of me thinks "Okay, with a GCS of THREE and a MAJOR brainstem hemorrhage, there's NO WAY

he knew ANYTHING that was going on!!!?

As an ICU nurse I am going to answer some of your questions the best that I can. From your writing it looks like that although your bother was critical (all ICU Pt's should be) and did not have a good long term outlook he was NOT in immediate danger of dieing that first night. Most ICU nurses are good at letting family members stay if it looks like they are going to die that night. At the same time, most will also try and get family members to get some rest when it looks like the pt could be in the ICU for days, weeks or months.

Your family did a great thing with the donation after cardiac death. However, not everyone will do this. In fact, most will not. Donation rates in America are still very low. If your family had not decided to go that route, your bother could have been in that ICU for weeks on a vent. Please understand that the first nurse probably was not as nice as she could have been about your desire to be with your bother that first night, but in a strange way she was trying to look out for you for the possible long hard time that was coming.

As for hearing you, it is taught that hearing is the last sense to go. And like other have said, his spirit certainly did.:redbeathe

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