Got my 1st butt chewing today - humiliating!

[RN2Bn2006]

First let me say that I work in a L/D-PP-NSY unit in a rural hospital. We only have 2 OB's and I like them both very much. I had been warned about one of them - how he was practically bi-polar - and I have seen a few of his mood swings, but he has always been extremely nice to me - he's always joking - even when I call him in the middle of the night - so up to this point I have really loved my job! I've even commented that our low pay is compensated by a good working environment, and awesome physicians who treat us with respect. ...... well my little bubble was somewhat deflated this morning. Keep in mind - our unit is a combo unit, where I not only triage/labor - I also take care of PP, and assist in the nursery when needed. Last night I had a pt at 39 wk who was contracting somewhat irregular, with no cervical change after a couple of hrs, and so we sent her home Well, as I am giving report to my relief RN, she shows up with SROM. Because the RN that was relieving me was going to be the only one for OB/PP and her LPN was stuck in the Nsy with a baby on O2 - and had a scheduled C/S, I volunteered to stay and get the new patient admitted, orders done, etc... until the nurse we called in arrives. Well, I phoned the doc at 7:15 to inform him of patients return, and status and received the order to admit & pit & can start prepping her for epidural. So, as soon as I finish report - maybe less than 5 min, I started the process - which is alot - you know consents, Labs, IV starts, answering questions, etc.....Mixing antibiotics/pitocin/hyrating for epidural/giving pain meds, while anwering phone, dealing with the floor patients families questions, & had to give a few pain meds to floor patients while I am rushing to do all of this. Well.... to try to make a long story short - my relief shows up - it is now 8:20 - I am giving her report and in walks the doc. As I am telling her that he wants her to have pitocin - and was handing it to her - he lays into to me. Now we are standing at the nurses station which is about 12 ft from patients rooms, the cleaning lady is there, my relief nurse is there, and he chews me out thouroughly because I do not have the pit going - because he has to leave town at 10 am. Now this is a G1P1 who when she returned had progressed to 4/80/-1 on her own, and was ctx - although still somewhat irregular - q2-3 minutes. When he checked her a few minutes later she was 4.5/90/0 - so it wasn't like she was actually going to NEED pitocin to progress anyway. It was all about he needed her delivered before 10. He proceeded to state very loudly that the order was given at 7:15 am, and he expected me to start pit THEN, and he should not have to call the unit to see if I'm actually FOLLOWING his orders, because he just ASSUMED that I would do what he ordered - because he had REASONS he gives me orders, and It's my place to follow those orders, then he started blabbing about a study that shows if you admit a patient at 5cm, start pit 6x6, then they have blah blah blah (can't really remember what he said at this point) - then he said furthermore, I am the one with the DEGREE! (This last sentence is the one that got me!!) Then plopped the chart down walked off. OK now I am standing there - humiliated beyond all measure. My relief nurse had grabbed the bag of pit before he got done with his lecture, and promptly went to hang it - the cleaning lady was looking at me with sympathy - I was speechless. I sat down to chart everything that I had done for the patient so that I could actually go home, seeing how I had already stayed 1.5 hrs over to help - and he KNOWS I am staying late because our schedules are fixed - I am always on nights - and plus I had been the one to call him at 3 am. I had not sat down since that patient arrived, as I was rushing to get as much done as I could to help, and did not sit twiddling my thumbs saying, hmmm.....I don't think I'll start pit, because I don't think she needs it - because I am smarter than said doc - uh, NO. There is a process - that takes time. If he had said on the phone I am needing to leave town at 10am, so can you speed things along, then yes, maybe I would have been able to gotten things done a little faster by spending less time during consents explaining, and answering questions, etc... I just don't know! After he checked the patient, he comes back to the nurses station as I am charting, and asks me a few questions so he could fill in his progress notes, and as he gets up to leave, he pats me on the back and says "Thanks for your help - I'm not mad at you - I just needed you to really get this one going" - well, I could not even respond at this point because I have tears threatening to spill, and I'll be darned if I'm going to let him see me cry. I held it together by not talking to anyone - except to say goodbye at 9 am. I cried when I was in the privacy of my car. I cried when I was trying to go to sleep. I'm mad at him for being unprofessional, and repremanding me in front of my co-workers, and anyone else who walked by. I'm mad at myself for allowing him to humiliate me - I always swore I would walk away and if they had anything to say to me - they could come to me in private. I'm made that I could not control my tears, and speak back to him when he tried to half-A$$ apologize to me - believe me I had words I wanted to say. I'm mad that my skin is not tougher - that I have cried over this, and allowed it to upset me.

I guess I am fortunate that this is my first chewing, but I feel that although he did have a legitimate complaint - that I was taking a little too long - the manner in which is handled it was totally inappropriate.

Does it get easier? Does your skin ever grow thicker? I know the next time he sees me - he will be back to normal, and will act as if nothing ever happened, but I'm afraid I'm will not be so eager to resume our "friendly" conversations. I have decided in my mind that it will be business only - I will say what I need to say in regards to patient care, and refrain from carrying on with his constant joking, long conversations regarding his son's wakeboarding events, pretending interest in his rock-climbing stories. Ya know? Does this make me immature? I will not be rude or disrespectful, I just have no desire to be "personable" to him.

Sorry this is sooo long! I am one of those people who need to VENT to get things off my chest. I am still hurt. When in nursing school, I witnessed a doc chewing out an ICU nurse - in FRONT of the patient, all of us nursing students as well as her co-workers - and saw her later in the hallway crying, and being consoled.... that made a huge impression on me, and I can't believe I endured the same thing this morning. Somehow - I think I need a raise - LOL. My lovely working environment now longer compensates for the poor wages ! LOL

[RN2Bn2006]

it's easy for us to spew off, what you should be telling this doc.

but as scarlet said, you need to deal w/this, within your own comfort zone.

i think you already know, his behavior was beyond unacceptable.

however you get that across to him, just know, that you somehow have to let him have it.

if you're comfortable with a personal apology, then that's all that matters.

conversely, if a public apology is what you want, then go for it.

only you know what you can personally handle, or not.

by nature, i am one of those reputed battle axes.

yet i've been taking a lot of crap from a coworker, these past couple of months.

she's been going through a lot of personal stuff, and i've been trying to be patient.

next time i see her, she probably won't know what hit her.

i've had it.

our last dealings, was the final straw for me.

and so, when i do 'politely' chew her sorry a$$ out (and in private), she probably will have never seen it coming.

i think it all depends on the nature of the professional relationship at hand.

just by virtue of him being a doctor, doesn't automatically mean i'm going to put my warrior mask on.

only you know that nature of your relationship.

but as in any relationship, it is always about respect being a 2 way street.

wishing you only the best.

leslie

You are right. As much as I would like to do some of the things that have been suggested - most of them just aren't within my personality or nature. I am naturally a person who tries to keep peace in most situations, and have been known many times to overlook things from time to time, but even I can't seem to let this situation just slide. I mean you have to draw a line! So I plan to say something, but it will be in a private setting, and hope for the best. Even though I did lose alot of respect for him today, I still respect him as a person, would not treat him the way he treated me! I wouldn't treat ANYONE that way!

I hope you are able to resolve your issues. Sometimes I think it takes a strong person to not immediately react to a situation. Some people need to take a few to gather their senses, so that the reaction/response is not based soley on emotions. Emotionally charged rebuttals can get out of hand - I've seen that many times. Good luck to you!

[Dempather, RN]

Oh, lordie lord. I've been a nurse for almost exactly as long as you have been, and if I was chewed into that like, I'd probably be upset, too. However, I find that I'm less upset when I'm confronted by somebody that I've been warned about. In other words, if I tick off a person who everybody LOVES and never raises their voice or goes over the edge... then maybe I did something wrong. But this guy just sounded like he wanted to get out in time .... the patient didn't seem to be at risk, and that's what you have to remember. Dunno, man.. some people are just funny.

[NJNursing, ASN, RN]

Lets see... "what have I learned?" It doesn't pay to stay after your shift in order to help out......

and "what will I do next time" Contact mgr/DON for them to cover, Clock out after giving report, and let them deal with it.

Seriously! I would NEVER do this - it is NOT in my nature. But that is what I'd LIKE to do.

Basically I've learned what is perfectly fine one day is extremely wrong the next day. You are supposed to KNOW (by reading minds of course)that the doctor is going out of town, and needs a G1 delivered in less than 3 hrs. And despite the fact you are in the middle of shift change, and patient is still in triage, that when you've called the doc at 7:15 - you should have already had her admitted, and pit mixed, and ready to start at 7:16 - worry about her pain/consents/GBS + status/Labs later.

I am very sorry........I am totally not trying to be disrespectful to you - I appreciate your comments, but it seems that I did the best I could given the circumstances I was under. My evil side is coming out!! LOL!

Believe me - I'll try to avoid this happening again. You definately live and learn!

I feel your pain on this one. I also just had my first 'butt chewing" (although not as harshly!) for doing things that I thought would have been nice and how I thought was helping my unit. Like you, it has really soured me on wanting to do anything nice for any patient/staff/MD's ever again. To go in, do my 12 and get out. No extras. But that's not me. I don't mind staying late, I don't mind going a little out of my way for someone. Perhaps in time you'll feel better about it (me too) but I know in the immediate future, I'm just sticking to my little line and that's it.

And I agree with many other posters - you should pull this MD aside (especially since you guys had a good working relationship prior to this) and tell him how you felt that day. That you were helping and how you felt humiliated and that his response was unprofessional to do it in front of pts, staff, family, etc.... He SHOULD apologize and agree to perhaps pull you aside before going off like that or perhaps you can compromise that he keeps you better informed (like telling you at 3 or 7 that he needed to leave town) so that you can make both of your jobs go smoother.

[Kim O'Therapy, BSN, RN]

Well, as bad as I hate to admit it - you are probably right. My problem with having a talk with him - is I'm afraid that my emotions might pop back up, and I do not want to appear emotional in front of him. Now I am not a "crying" person - I barely cry at funerals - sometimes don't, some people think I'm non-emotional - most people think I'm a strong/tough person because I handle situations when others are falling apart - that I'm able to be strong, but it's weird that in situations such as this - I can't seem to control when unbidden tears will threaten to fall. I will have to be pretty far removed from the situation to where I am no longer emotionally affected - when it no longer seems like a big deal - to feel safe to do this. Guess I'll have to wait and see. I just HATE confrontations!

I worry about this too. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. If I start crying, I don't stop easily. The worst part is that I cry when I am angry, so when I feel emotional, I need to wait a few days before confronting the person. Good luck to you.

[wooh, BSN, RN]

You were tired. And got all that garbage when you were in the middle of doing a good thing. THAT is why it was so hard for you to hold back tears, and stand up for yourself like you know you can. The fact that you held it together at all is impressive to me. Next time, will be better. I'm not known for taking poo. The other day, I chased a med student down the hall because he plopped a chart in front of me (not even my patient) without saying a word then walked off. So I'm really not one to take any poo. But the first time I got blindsided by a doc's irrational tirade, I was working on little sleep (had worked a double getting off at 7am then came back at 3pm) and I lost it. I was in tears in the nurses station. But after THAT, I was the nurse that always called this particular doc in the middle of the night because he may have gotten to me once, but he would NEVER get to me again. And he didn't. He'd try. He'd succeed on other nurses. But never again with me. And never again to anyone on my shift if I was there to hear it, because I would stick up for them as well.

Pull him aside, tell him you feel he was unprofessional in how he spoke with you, and that you expect it will never happen again. And then go on with life. It will get better!

[cmc4n6]

You are absolutely right. I believe that any public display of immature bad temper on the part of a fellow worker - whether it's a nurse or a doc - is unacceptable. Public humiliation due to fatigue, bad manners, etc... is what made me quit my job in trauma. Of course, it's everywhere - but it does make a difference, and I don't believe that we SHOULD develop a "thick skin" and "learn a lesson".

My motto is: Any negative energy directed at a fellow worker is better directed at patient care. Resolve your differences later. Take care of your patient NOW...have a hissy fit LATER!

[moonchild20002000]

I think you did the right thing NOT to respond to him at that time. With his personality

things would have only gotten much worse. HE is the one looking like a fool.

I wonder if your hospital has a policy about starting pit drips without an OB in the building? At our hospital had to be a doc in house to assume responsibility.I would keep things on a very professional level. You are not obligated to

chit chat with him.I have worked with OB docs for over 30 years and had a lot

behave that way FOR A WHILE. Any doc with good sense ought to know better that to

**** off his nurse.You mentioned in your post that he could make your life

miserable,same thing applies to you making HIS life rough.He needs to learn that

in OB its essential that everyone work as a team.

I have been known as an old battle axe nurse at times but I have always been

respected.I have never raised my voice or used profanity. If I have something to say

I state it calmly and unemotionally.

As far as anticipating his needs,won't work,just gives him a sense of power over you,

might even make things worse.

Good luck to you,professional and cool is what you want to project.

[BBFRN, BSN, PhD]

I agree totally. I think he knows he was a jerk. He thanked you for helping him, which shows he values you. And he made an excuse for yelling at you..."I just needed you to really get this one going" (as if you knew?). No...it's not an apology, but it shows he was thinking about what he said to you and regretted it, imo.

OP, don't fall for this kind of "apology." The "I just needed you to really get this one going" part is a manipulative 'but' statement that serves to blame you for his yelling at you. Abusers use this tactic all the time after beating their wives.

The only thing you can do is confront this jerk on how he treated you. It has worked every single time for me. It will happen again if you don't say something to him. You just have to set clear boundaries with the socially retarded, or they'll walk all over you.

Who cares about his travel plans? He needs to get over himself. You were planning to be in bed sleeping at 10, but you were still there helping out. He should have planned better and not been on call that morning.

Sorry this happened to you. You sound like a very dedicated nurse.

[*ac*]

A lot of people are saying, "tell him how you felt". I disagree with this. For the most part, that doesn't work with these kind of people, and it keeps it too personal. You need to elevate it to a professional exchange. That would happen if you said, "In the future, if you have a problem with me, please speak to me professionally and in private." Then walk before you cry. I wouldn't wait around for a half-a**ed apology. Who needs it - it's just condescending, anyway.?

Be sure you're telling him, not asking him.

If he cared one iota about how you feel/felt, he wouldn't have behaved that way. Call him on his professionalism.

Yelling back at him, as pleasurable as that might sound/be to many, is not prfessional.

[scattycarrot, BSN, RN]

Firstly, I just want to say that your reaction to being yelled at is totally normal and understandable so don't be hard on yourself for crying or being upset. However, I will also say that the only person who can 'chew your butt' is your boss, who would hopefully do it a formal and profesional manner behind closed doors when there is a genuine reason to do so.

This MD is NOT your boss and never will be. He is a colleague and that is it and as such, he owes you due respect and courtesy. Just because he had MD behind his name doesn't change that fact. And, i think it helps to remember it that way. Do not be intimitated by doctors who think they are better you because 'they are the one with the degree' (ummm, BSN anyone?). If a fellow nurse yelled at you that way, what would you do? You wouldn't stand there and take it as easily so why would you when it comes from a doctor? Respect has to be earned and he hasn't earnt it. I will not take crap from a doctor who steps out of his or her professional boundaries. I won't clear up after them or do anything that they are more than capable of doing themselves. This whole curtailing to MD's needs to stop in my opinoin. But, then I am bulshy and argumentitive (not necessarliy a good thing!).

Anyway, keep smiling. You did what was right for the patient at the end of the day and thats whats important. The Docs golf game or whatever can wait.

[Oz2]

Now he's being compared to a man who beats his wife?

I feel I should clarify...I'm not suggesting you just put up with this all the time and I'm not making excuses for him. It's just that up to now (1 year?) you've said you loved your job and from your description, he DOES treat you with respect and is always friendly, even in the middle of the night, with the exception of this ONE incident.

People screw up sometimes. He did in this case, big time. If he always treated you this poorly I wouldn't have said what I did in my other post. This behavior on his part was the exception rather than the rule, as least from what I gather from your original post.

It would just stink if this ruined what has been a job you loved and when you said you were going to start being cool to him...I saw job ruining. Hanging on to resentment and holding grudges is just an awful way to go about life, and you won't be a happy camper if you do this.

If you think he'll start treating you this way all the time, then talk to him. If you think this was an aberration then file it away under bad memories never to be recalled. Either way, don't let this ruin a job you love!

[banditrn]

What kind of gets me about this whole thing, is that he expected this baby to accomodate HIS schedule.