My Mom the Alcoholic

[Poochee]

Well my Mom is visiting, again (that said with gratefulness:bowingpur). She is an alcoholic. She comes to visit from out of state, b/c family members, send her here to "slow down".

She doesn't outwardly look like an alcoholic. But b/c she is staying w/me, I have observed her drinking beer, and nothing else. No water, juice anything.

She coughs alot when she's asleep, and I'll be, if I didn't think for a second or two, she might be actually drowning from the fluid sounds from her chest (you know the end of life breathing, jeez). The coughing will be so bad, it wakes her, and she'll awake, and take a sip of beer to calm it down.

She has uncontolled HBP (b/c she doesn't take her meds, like she's s'pose to..Drs appt.s, refills, etc). CHF, and a hx of pneumonia.

(Goodness, this looks worser than I thought, as I type it up).:urgycld:

I believe she abuses alcohol, b/c she lives in guilt, b/c her youngest child is in foster care/boys home (for 3 yrs now), and she cannot keep it together enough, for him to be able to come home to a stable living enviroment. So I think she feels she should punish herself/ or not be entitled to any happiness.

I wish I could just straight forward tell her, you are killing yourself, and then what good will that be to him, or the rest of the family (and she would actually get it). She needs to know she's important.

I'm not able to transport her to AA meetings, but I am going to get her to the doctors office to get medication, for the HBP, CHF, possible pneumonia, and other things, sigh......(my nerves are bad).

I really don't know what else to do. I know in hospital settings, a nurse doesn't come out and say, hay, you have a high risk of dying, in x amt. of time, b/c of your dx + hx, and present condition. So I'm not comfortable with the idea, that I may actually scare her, thus increasing her anxiety, and inducing more drinking. So I just offer helpful information, pls drink more water, pls don't drink so much, I wince everytime she goes outside for a smoke:o.

I could, but cannot, just cut off her beer supply (refuse to take her to the store, not give her any money), but having been a substance abuse nurse, I know cold turkey is possibly fatal.

Goodness, I feel so responsible, if anything were to happen to her, (even though she has been here less than a week), if she were to get critically sick, how could I live with myself.

Goodness, what do I do???

TIA

[rn/writer, RN]

Your mom is lucky to have you in her corner. But you need to take care of yourself, too. Find an Al-Anon group and share the load, kiddo. You say you were a substance abuse nurse, but it's different when it's one of your own.

Go to Al-Anon, unburden yourself, get some help with setting limits, listen to kindred spirits. Do this for yourself so you don't end up feeling burned out, dried up, and numb. Do this because you have needs, too. Parenting a parent is not an easy thing.

You have my prayers and admiration.

[CABG patch kid, BSN, RN]

It is definitely tough to see a parent going hard times; I, too, have a few alcoholics in my family, one I lived with for quite awhile and the other I've seen put his life in a deeper and deeper hole. It is not easy to stand by and watch this happen, but people with addiction problems have to be willing to help themselves (which I'm sure you know as a substance abuse nurse). Like rn/writer suggested, I hope you take care of yourself first and foremost, because who will be there to help others if we don't all help ourselves too? Also, maybe you can help your mom to get the counseling and professional help she needs.

I wish you the best and hope that things start to move in the right direction for your mom.

[xviii-xxv]

i think you and your mom need the support groups available (AA). have time to take her there. they could really help. i hope everything goes well..

[blueheaven]

I could, but cannot, just cut off her beer supply (refuse to take her to the store, not give her any money), but having been a substance abuse nurse, I know cold turkey is possibly fatal.

Goodness, I feel so responsible, if anything were to happen to her, (even though she has been here less than a week), if she were to get critically sick, how could I live with myself.

Please go get some help for your self through Al-anon!!!

[CoffeeRTC, BSN, RN]

Been there, done that....visit Dad's grave site.

It is a disease, and illness. You are powerless over it. The only person that can get control is your mother. Not much that you can do or say. When she wants to or is forced to (gets a dui, etc) she might be able to take the first step.

Everyone drinks or abuses for a reason. (lost a job, breakup, family illness, parents might have done it, pain,,,,,) The list can go on. What makes them different from us? Brain chemistry, poor coping mechanisms....

My dad was a heavy ETOHic...withholding alcohol put him in withdraw....might not be fun to do during your visit.

Al-anon is wonderfull. It saved my mother's life. Honestly.

[nicunana]

Gee, outwardly what does an alcholic look like? I personally know of 2 nurses, a medical doctor, a psychologist, a church deacon & a retired military officer who are recovering alcoholics and very up front about it. None of them look alike and none of them look like "street people." Does your mother recognize that she is an alcoholic? If not, AA will proboably not be of much help to her. You, on the other hand would benefit greatly from Al Anon. You would learn all about being an enabler and would learn from others in similar situations how they successfully cope with an alcoholic relative. You would also learn how to minimize or eliminate inappropriate guilt you may have placed on yourself.

This is a very heartbreaking situation and one that happens in many families at every social strata. Please get the help that is available. Good luck to you and Mom!

[Jo Dirt]

I have three siblings who are addicts. Even though intellectually we understand there is no helping anyone who won't help themselves it's still agonizing to watch it go on right under your nose.

I've worried and wondered what could be done to help my bro and two of my sisters, but in the end all I can do is watch them self-destruct and I'm trying to accept there is nothing I can do. There is no happy ending to the road they're on. I hate they live with so much pain inside they have to make their physical bodies sick, too. I can already see the toll it's taking. IN the future, I see them dying of either cirrhosis of the liver, an OD, lung cancer, emphysema. I see them carrying around an O2 tank and riding a motorized w/c. It seems so obvious to me but does it never occur to them? Your mom is no doubt in a lot of internal pain, too. If you think she will respond to any amount of reason by all means give her the riot act. Show her one of the first episodes of "Celebrity Rehab" and how sick Jeff Conaway was. That was shocking and a real eye opener to see what alcohol and drugs had done to him.

[Natkat, BSN, MSN, RN]

The bad news is your Mom doesn't drink because her youngest child is in foster care. Your Mom drinks because she's an alcoholic.

An alcoholic will look for any excuse to drink.

The good news is there is help for you. If she won't go to AA, then please do something good for yourself and go to Al-Anon. My mother was an alcoholic since before I was born. Al-Anon saved my life. The alcoholic won't stop drinking unless they want to. Nothing will change that. Nothing. It is the most heartbreaking thing about addiction. Their addiction is the most important thing to them. Sad to say, she loves her addiction more than she loves you.

Cutting off her beer supply won't work. She'll just get more. People sell their bodies on the street to pay for their addiction. If a person wants to abuse a substance they'll find a way.

Best of luck to you.

[Pretty in Ink]

I know how it feels to have an alcoholic parent. And I know how it feels to be in a career where you help people on an every day basis to get better, and for some reason, the person you care most for, your own family member you can't help. My dad is the same way. I'm not a nurse yet, I graduate in May but in my mental health class we have gone over Alcoholism and he is in the last stage. Its affecting all his organs, he developed diabetes (which he doesnt even pay attention to), he had pancreatitis, he is supposed to go get his gallbladder removed but drinks so much he forgets to go to his appointments (sometimes I think he uses it as an excuse just not to go, you know get drunk on purpose) but I'm not sure, his muscles are wasting away, he has hallucinations, he forgets he has something in the oven and leaves the house and come back and it smells like smoke....I mean...it's really bad. And there is nothing me or my mom can do about it. He refuses to go to rehab. I don't understand this country....we cant commit people even if we know they are killing themselves slowly unless they agree to being treated. How stupid is that? Anyway....I feel horrible for my mother. She has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, her blood pressure has gone up so now she has HTN too....and I truly believe its all related to the stress and pressure of living with my father. She has gone to support groups for family members of alcoholics but you know it just doesn't quit cut it when you have to deal with the every day crap you know? When he goes overboard he'll quit drinking for a week and make ammends with everyone and tell them he is going to die in 3 years (something I'm not sure is true but he claims the doctor told him that even if he quites drinking) so you know its all a cycle. The only thing that has kept me sane and away from being judgemental is realize thats my father and I love him, and I can't fix his problems, but I can be a daughter and for him I guess thats enough.

[kstec, LPN]

As someone else wrote, my mother was an alcoholic, but I buried her 3 and 1/2 years ago. She'd been an alcholic her whole life from as far back as I can remember, somewhere along the way she developed a prescription drug addiction. Gotta love the doctors who don't give a crap about their patients. (The last and final doctor before she died was told by me that she was an addict and to please stop giving her Norco, his name was on her pill bottles labeled with the date filled 3 days before she died). She was one month shy of her 50th birthday. I live in Illinois but she is buried in Tennessee. I have not been able to see her grave but I did make sure she had a beautiful headstone and footstone. I tried everything from hiding her alcohol as child to begging and pleading, to yelling and cussing to try and get her to quit. I know it's an illness, but she never got help and she died way to soon. I really have no advice except don't let her stay with you. You can't change her and no matter what you do you'll feel you made the wrong choice. Tough love, enabling and pleading. The outcome will be what it will be but you don't have to let her (and adult) disrupt your life. You are the child, she is the adult. When she finally decides to get help, be supportive but don't be to disappointed when she fails. Take everything she says at face value and consider the source. Alcoholics are usually the kindest people in the world, but will lie, steal and manipulate to get what they want and to not disappoint the ones they know want them to get help and in the interim you will get hurt over and over again. My whole life I always knew it wasn't a matter of if my mom was going to die but when. I always knew in the back of my head that I would get that phonecall, you never can prepare but I knew it would come sooner than later. From personal experience I advise you to love her unconditionally, not enable her, not let her live with you, and take everything she says with a grain of salt and consider the source to avoid heartbreak. You are not responsible for your mothers actions but you are responsible for how you deal with her. Sorry this was so long, but been there, done that. It hurts like hell to see someone you love killing themselves but when that is what they are out to do in a round about way, there is nothing you can do. I wish you the best and I hope your mother gets help before you get that dreaded call. PM me anytime, I can so relate to you.

[sharona97, BSN, RN]

It's so sad to watch someone you love so much, hurt themselves so much.

My mom is an alcoholic with many issues that started before she started having kids.

By the grace of God she has 3 children, I am her only daughter and legitamate child.

I left the dysfunct at lightening speed and did seek out Al-Anon for my co-dependency.

I still read those affirmations everyday, sometimes it helps and somedays it seems like nothing will help.

But I am a strong believer in confronting the problem, not to make it worse but to help bring out the problem and baggage it brings with it and also to resolve or help to resolve with what it can do for me at the time. I'm worth it. So are you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a meanie, I just like to be treated fairly and if that means to emotionally dismiss myself from the problem for my own sanity, I will. I found when you confront appropriatley to someone they either open their arms or close them tight. Like all the posts above, it's about taking care of you or you will become part of the insanity.

You mentioned your mother being "sent to you", if needed send her back. Fair is fair.

Have a family discussion instead of tip toeing around the uncomfortableness and band together. Sounds good eh? Always was a wish of mine.

Sadly today my mother sits alone in her bed dying from lung CA and the people that are allowed to be with her ( yes she still manipulates) are alcohlic as well. People who don't understand emotion, how to feel, how to deal, and it hurts. They themselves are hurting an displacing anger on me, easy for them to do. Fortunetly, even tho I still feel the pain, I understand the rationale.

I keep praying that she works issues out before she dies. Forgives herself. And the reason I can't see her is because of confrontation. But As of right now I'm not dying and scared to death, she has to make the choice. And I await..........to take her hand and tell her how much I love her and thank her for all the good stuff, and of course she is forgiven in my heart, but Does she know that? Not until I tell her. So I keep praying.

I wish you the best in dealing with this insanity and worry, just know you can come out of this intact. You need to decide, do I want to help my mom with confrontation to help solve the problem or do I want to help my mom and do nothing? Big huge decisions, the tuth hurts, but time does heal.

Best of luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

Sharona