Do nurses tend to be enablers?

Nurses General Nursing

Published

A coworker yesterday was distracted by a drama with a friend. She had refused to loan her car to the friend, so the friend started texting how she would be better off dead, was a waste of a space, etc. It came out that this friend had done this before, my coworker had caved in. She's repeatedly loaned money without getting repaid, the friend manipulates her with these histrionics and has done so for years. This coworker is over 70 and is still working, to pay off "one more big bill" and because she loves nursing, so she's not rolling in money . The friend is 20 years younger.

My coworker said that the friend was really fun and she cared about her. She said she really needs to be liked. I suggested that she was an enabler. She said, well, you know how we nurses are...

I told her that I am not like that at all! I would never stay friends with someone who wants to repeatedly borrow money, let alone not pay it back! I hate drama and inconsiderate people! I've had my better nature taken advantage of in the past and learned from it that I don't like it and don't want users in my life.

So what do you think, do nurses tend to be enablers?

Specializes in Critical Care.

Yes I've witnessed a lot of nurses are enablers and I've seen them get taken advantage, some by boyfriends or spouses, others by grown children. I see nurses hook up with guys who refuse to work and then take care of them. I can't for the life of me imagine why anybody would work as hard as we do in nursing and then let some guy lay around living the good life. Oh hell no, it is why I'm totally fine being single. I see the choices of coworkers and think I'd never put up with that ****! It's one thing if they got laid off or were disabled, but to be able bodied and perfectly fine not working I just don't get it.

As to children, part of it is probably not teaching their kids independence and financial responsibility. I can understand helping your kids out as they are your flesh and blood, but you need to help them be independent as you aren't always going to be there and probably can't afford it anyway. This brings up the larger matter that many nurses like the general public are clueless about money and personal finance and make all sorts of expensive mistakes. We work too hard to not make the most of our money!

It's a shame that personal finance isn't being taught in school, but anyone can learn the basics if they simply take the time to read some books and money articles on the internet and even some credit unions teach the financial basics including how to buy a house. I've mentioned a few books before like Personal Finance for Dummies by Eric Tyson, Deal with your Debt and Your Credit Score by Liz Weston, and Smart Women Finish Rich by David Bach. Financial guru's such as Suze Orman and Dave Ramsey also have books. With the amount of info available today with the internet, there is really no reason for anyone to lack financial savvy. If you don't make the effort to learn you will find yourself taken advantage of by banks and credit card companies and overpaying for their services. They prefer it that way so they can make record profits thru fees and then reward themselves with bonuses!

In the patient sense i feel like this is true. If the patient is very difficult, the nurse will do whatever for the patient just to keep them happy.

Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
I hate drama and inconsiderate people! I've had my better nature taken advantage of in the past and learned from it that I don't like it and don't want users in my life.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]27027[/ATTACH]

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
, you know how we nurses are...

I told her that I am not like that at all! I would never stay friends with someone who wants to repeatedly borrow money, let alone not pay it back! I hate drama and inconsiderate people! I've had my better nature taken advantage of in the past and learned from it that I don't like it and don't want users in my life.

So what do you think, do nurses tend to be enablers?

OUCH! How did your coworker take such blunt feedback?

When I graduated from nursing school, a few decades ago, the popular wisdom was that 1/4 of nurses were whatever term we used then for someone who enables lazy, inconsiderate people. It was also estimated that at least 1/4 of nurses had been sexually harassed, assaulted or abused. Pretty accurate, going by my friends and coworkers at the time. I think the percentage of women who have had their #MeToo moments remains at least 1/4, but I'm thinking that fewer nurses are enablers.

Sometimes, the inconsiderate people are family.

Specializes in critical care, ER,ICU, CVSURG, CCU.

I actually love this thread

Specializes in ER.
OUCH! How did your coworker take such blunt feedback?

When I graduated from nursing school, a few decades ago, the popular wisdom was that 1/4 of nurses were whatever term we used then for someone who enables lazy, inconsiderate people. It was also estimated that at least 1/4 of nurses had been sexually harassed, assaulted or abused. Pretty accurate, going by my friends and coworkers at the time. I think the percentage of women who have had their #MeToo moments remains at least 1/4, but I'm thinking that fewer nurses are enablers.

Sometimes, the inconsiderate people are family.

I worded it more gently for her. She acknowledged that she is an enabler who is afraid of not being liked.

I am much less of an enabler after becoming a nurse. I have seen people with REAL problems and seen REAL injustice and tragedy. Now I can ignore friends and family's made-up drama. You got your health? Then get out of my face and my pocketbook. Call me Hard-Hearted Hannah.

When you loan money, you should mentally consider it a gift. If you cannot afford to give it as a gift, then you cannot afford to loan it. Plus, you are that much happier when they pay it back.

Specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.
When you loan money, you should mentally consider it a gift. If you cannot afford to give it as a gift, then you cannot afford to loan it. Plus, you are that much happier when they pay it back.

Or at least, that much less bummed when they don't.

Specializes in Critical care, Trauma.

I had a nursing educator several years ago that once said something to the effect of, "you know us nurses, we're all codependent." I can't remember the context but the blunt statement had me start taking more notice of how colleagues described their relationships....yeah, there are some **** shows. One that finally left her abusive marriage after being raped by her husband and becoming pregnant, another whose husband frequently calls and gets angry when she can't immediately come to the phone (bedside hospital nurse, sooo....phone calls are low priority) and she'll be noticeably upset after they get done talking. A single colleague that will describe her various boyfriends over time and they are all pieces of work, "I really like being with him but I told him I can't be serious with him until I have proof that he's actually divorcing his wife".

But I don't know how that compares to other non-nursing career paths that are mostly filled with women. I wonder if Social Workers and Teachers have similar issues. I know I was definitely a "fixer" in earlier life and between getting completely burnt out helping a "helpless" friend and learning how to set boundaries as a nurse, I'm much better about placing appropriate limits for my support.

Specializes in Private Duty Pediatrics.
When you loan money, you should mentally consider it a gift. If you cannot afford to give it as a gift, then you cannot afford to loan it. Plus, you are that much happier when they pay it back.

This is exactly right! :yes: It is the only way to loan.

It's a bonus if I get it back (and I usually do.)

Specializes in Critical Care.
I couldn't have said this better. I have no problems extending a helping hand when someone is having a problem but I don't cultivate relationships with people who are chronically needy. I certainly would not tolerate the behaviour described by the OP. That is definitely not a friend. It blows me away that someone who made it to the age of 70 and spent her life "giving at the office" would need to keep someone like this around.

I do believe people put up with a lot of crap because for some reason it makes them feel good about themselves. It's a form of virtue-signalling. "See what a good person I am to be there for...(insert abusive spouse, spoiled children, manipulative friends, etc.)? Some people need someone to feel superior to which is the payoff for tolerating bad behaviour.

That's an interesting take on motives, but I would guess it has more to do with desperation, low self esteem, wanting to be loved and being willing to put up with just about anything to be with someone and feel "loved", with fear thrown in if the person is violent or physically abusive. I myself do get frustrated with women who stay in physically abusive relationships. I once had a coworker whose husband was threatening to come to work with a gun and shoot everyone. I was pissed off that her choice in mates was putting the rest of us in danger! Luckily they divorced without incident and nothing happened. But all too often that isn't the case and it's then in the news the man had gone on a shooting rampage and killed multiple people.

+ Add a Comment