Divorced due to nursing career?

annie.rn · Nov 7, 2015

No, you should not quit your job for him but maybe you should for YOURSELF. (Not before finding another job, of course.)

Your current job seems to me to be taking too great a toll on your health. Reread what you wrote. The way you describe your job makes it sound horrible. It sounds like your husband is able to put up healthy boundaries and not allow a job to get the best of him. It isn't right for him to give you an ultimatum about leaving your job but it does sound like he wants what is best for you.

It sounds like this job is getting the best of you and he and everyone else (yourself included) are getting the rest.

I hope things work out for you. Best of luck :-)

canigraduate · Nov 7, 2015

It isn't your career that's destroying your marriage. It's you and your husband.

He obviously isn't getting what he needs from the marriage. You've made it sound like you blame your arguments on your physical condition, which you blame on your job.

Frankly, you sound like you are overly dependent on your job as a part of your identity.

To sum your post up - the working conditions are horrible and you are physically falling apart, but you stay because you like who you work with and you don't know any better.

Maybe be your husband has a point.

bagladyrn, RN · Nov 7, 2015

Your partner trying to control you in this way is a red flag. He should be encouraging you to do what you think best for you.

If he is threatening to leave you if you don't "obey" what will be the next thing he uses this threat for?

Please think long and hard about this.

KThurmond · Nov 7, 2015

Like stated above, don't quit for him. He can't make you choose and he's unfair for even approaching you that way. Because of health reasons, look at what #you# want to do.

jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B · Nov 7, 2015

Sorry, not sorry, but he is delusional. For the love of cripes, if you quit your job, then what is it that he was going to do to support ya'll? OHHHH, or are you to work at another job whilst he went and found himself?

Or was he just going to live off of your SSDI/long term disability? Your pension?

Sometimes love just is not enough. Sometimes those we love are in it to continually work a deal, work the room. Sometimes those we love are so childlike in their expectations of entitlement that it is just not worth the headache.

If you have children together, then you need to work with him to co-parent good kids. If you do not have skin in the game then just disengage. If you wanted a man who lives off of you, directs your life and otherwise pretends that he is all that and a bag of zesty Cheetos "with your needs in mind" then invite your sophomoric younger brother, your nephew, heck even your widowed uncle to live with you.

Looking forward, seek some counseling and support. Loss of function, pain, loss all things that need to be processed and best with a professional.

But please don't continue to believe that if you quit your job and submitted to anyone's passive aggressive ramblings that things would be different. The only different would be that the Czar of Misery would be on your tail 24/7. Oh, the JOY!! Not.

emmy27 · Nov 7, 2015

It's impossible to tell from your description of events whether your husband is a control freak or a reasonable person frustrated by the toll your extreme dedication to a debilitating job took on your marriage.

If you've developed debilitating degenerative problems at 37, it's extremely unlikely that you have 28 more years of bedsides nursing in you, and it would be prudent for your own sake to begin diversifying your skills and exploring career options that you will be physically able to perform now. I know many nurses who loved med-surg until the day they had a crippling back injury or stress fracture on the job, and then were out of luck. Your coworkers and the job you find comfortable now will not be there to love or take care of you when you become permanently disabled from working understaffed for a decade and a half, and it sounds like you're well on your way.

Med-surg is not the only way to be a nurse, and it sounds like your identity is deeply bound up in this specific nursing role. You can still be a nurse and still help people without working under conditions you yourself describe as "horrible," and you might in the process find you experience less physical pain, exhaustion, and strain on your personal relationships.

I agree with the previous commenter who said it sounds like you're putting a lot of emphasis on your job being responsible for all of this, but it's not really about the job itself- most nurses have stressful jobs and are tired when they come home, and there are many other stressful jobs aside from nursing. It's about how you and your husband each responded to the fact that you were tired and stressed all the time. Rather than address that root issue, you refused to make any changes and he gave up. Again, we can't know how reasonable a decision that was on his part, but no matter what, it's probably a good idea to talk to a professional about this on your own. Your work may have an Employee Assistance Program to give you some free sessions with a therapist. Take advantage of it.

You describe your work as horrible, it's physically breaking your body, and you believe it's responsible for the dissolution of your marriage, yet you won't even consider changing jobs. That's a big red flag for something in yourself that it would probably be a good idea to examine. Because if you're in this much pain at 37, this is not your forever job. There will come a day, if you stay, when you simply can't do it anymore, and they will cut you loose in a heartbeat when that happens. Don't let it get to that point and wind up fired from a job that is your consuming identity and which you believe you chose over your marriage, with no other work experience, and no physical reserves left to start over elsewhere. Be proactive.

Whether your marriage is salvageable or not is impossible for strangers on the internet to know, but this job? Break up with this job, for sure.

pixiestudent2 · Nov 7, 2015

You seem to have an extreme dedication to your job. And your job sounds horrible.

You're literally falling apart.

I see your husbands point.. You obviously cannot take a hint that the jobs not good for you.

pixiestudent2 · Nov 7, 2015

And it's not outrageous that your husband took bathroom and meal breaks... That's normal and healthy.

TakeTwoAspirin, MSN, RN, APRN · Nov 7, 2015

I say this with love, have you considered that you might have depression or some other mental health problem. The job is exhausting, we all know that and it does take a toll on your body, but you are pretty young and what you are describing sounds excessive. Sure, we all need to take a load off for a while when we get home, but what you describe is not normal - not wanting to go out and run errands, only wanting to sleep, etc. If you truly want to save your marriage, and your health, I think it would be a good idea to at least explore the possibility that you and he might have some issues of your own to work out.

The job will only take from you as much as you are willing to give and you both appear to be willing to give the job more than you are willing to give your relationship.

BeachsideRN, ASN · Nov 7, 2015

You are a nurse not a martyr. Your job is breaking you. Don't leave because your husband said so however you should leave for you and your well being.

SmilingBluEyes · Nov 7, 2015

If he would dump you due to your career alone, he's not worth keeping. Move on.

Also, don't let the job be your life. Have fun, and have a life outside work. If the job continues to be that stressful, that it is ruining your out of work life, consider you may need a new job.