Back-handed compliments

alakaea · Dec 23, 2005

Ah, sociology . . . . :)
Men refer to other men as "guys" usually. Pretty close to "girls".
I guess, again, it depends on the intent. If a person is meaning to be condescending than you might have a point.
steph

Sorry, but guys does not equate to boys.

chris_at_lucas_RN, RN · Dec 23, 2005

I usually try to enjoy "back-handed compliments" for the humor element.

Some young Kenyan classmates in nursing school congratulated me for going back to school at my age. They thought I was brave.

A patient told me I was beautiful in my own way.

OK, maybe the sentiments could have been annoying. But really, they are kinda funny, and the intentions in both cases were heartfelt.

There have been other equally peculiar statements along the way, but I don't remember them, I just remember enjoying them.

Porcupine · Dec 23, 2005

Or perhaps the title of this thread should be "how to accept a compliment graciously".
Some of the men at work have started referring to me and one of the other nurses as "doc". (I work in an office building). They'll say "Hey, doc" or "there's my doc"; that sort of thing. They know full well we're nurses, in fact some of us are on a first-name basis. They mean it as a compliment you see; they're letting us know how much they think of us and our skills by giving us a "promotion" so to speak. One guy said it was his way of showing gratitude and that we carried ourselves better than nurses. I cheerily correct them whenever they do this but a couple of them were put out that I didn't accept their compliment. I know they mean well, but I cannot allow and do not wish for them to refer to me this way.
Also, one of the other guys has started calling us his "girls". This also makes me grit my teeth. Again, I know he has good intentions and he wants to convey his good feelings towards us, but am I wrong in thinking this is patronizing? I don't want to be petty, but I cannot imagine anyone referring to a group of female physicians or attorneys as girls.
I go out of my way to maintain a professional image, dressing conservatively and while we are friendly, we do not act flirtatious or inappropriate with them. Is it rude for me to refuse what is meant to be a compliment? Am I wrong for being irritated by this?

I understand your feelings. The same issue developed at a couple of places I worked. We, ( the males) solved the problem by just quit talking to these women. We simply ignored them. I started to try to time my approach to the door, so as to insure that I would not reach it at the same time as a female employee. If I opened the door for them, I was being disrespectful of their sex. If I did not hold the door open for them, I was creating a hostile work envirement. We just started doing our jobs without so much as a word. Walking down the hall, it was eyes straight ahead, no facial expression at all. Wasn't much fun to work their and I got the hell out as soon as possible , but at least I didn't get sued. My supervisor,(a male) got in trouble for asking a protected class to limit her lunch hour to 60 min.

He quit too, and was replaced by a protected class. From what I hear,

nothing much has changed, morale is as low as ever. At least everything was Politically Correct.

SharonH, RN · Dec 23, 2005

I understand your feelings. The same issue developed at a couple of places I worked. We, ( the males) solved the problem by just quit talking to these women. We simply ignored them. I started to try to time my approach to the door, so as to insure that I would not reach it at the same time as a female employee. If I opened the door for them, I was being disrespectful of their sex. If I did not hold the door open for them, I was creating a hostile work envirement. We just started doing our jobs without so much as a word. Walking down the hall, it was eyes straight ahead, no facial expression at all. Wasn't much fun to work their and I got the hell out as soon as possible , but at least I didn't get sued. My supervisor,(a male) got in trouble for asking a protected class to limit her lunch hour to 60 min.
He quit too, and was replaced by a protected class. From what I hear,
nothing much has changed, morale is as low as ever. At least everything was Politically Correct.

Yeah right. It's too bad that you were unable to learn the balance between being polite and respectful and being disrespectful. Fortunately, most of the people at my job get it while just a few do not. In fact, one of the men who usually greets me with doc said it again just yesterday morning after I answered him with "good morning from your friendly neighborhood nurse". This time he said good morning doc with a wink......he was teasing me......and I laughed because I got the joke.

Tweety, BSN, RN · Dec 23, 2005

Well, I AM a girl. Was born a girl. Always will be a girl. :)
..........I'm very anti-PC too . . .So, don't feel all alone Bipley.
steph

Speaking of PC. The first time I went to college was at a big university in the 70s. I befriended quite a few feminists. They loathed being called a girl............"I ceased being a girl when I became a woman." (the most radical of them spell it womyn, which sometimes slips out of my typing.) :roll

Tweety, BSN, RN · Dec 23, 2005

What i intended doen't mean that someone's not going to like it. Even if i meant it in a good way, and someone didn't like it, i'd still stop it. I can't say that for a couple of people i work with, who think it's cute to refer to females as "chicks" (all the time).
I'm just not buying the i-don't-mean-it-as-an-insult-so-that makes-it-ok.

I agree Marie.

Sometimes, a person needs to just back off when another person is insulted rather than "my intentions are good, lighten up". They should respectfuily say "I meant no harm and even disagree, but I respect and validate your feelings, so I'll stop." (nobody really talks like that, but that's the point one should try to make.) IMO

Sometimes we might be baffled at why a person is insulted with our innocents, but we need to be respectful that they are indeed insulted no matter how silly we think their feelings are.

SharonH, RN · Dec 23, 2005

A patient told me I was beautiful in my own way.

LOL, I've gotten that a few times. That look is cute for you. (because God knows I would never be caught looking like that). :chuckle

Tweety, BSN, RN · Dec 23, 2005

That isn't the point of the thread. It is your INTENT. THAT is the point!!!

The point is also the best of intentions can hurt. Why can't the hurt/insulted/mildly irritated person point that out without others saying "lighten up", "I hate all this PC crap", "it doesn't matter what you say nowadays someone is going to be insulted", "it's a joke for heaven's sake", "no harm was meant". Why can't you just respect the individuals feelings, rather than invalidate them with good intentions. You don't have to agree or buy into their pc and agree with them.

fergus51 · Dec 23, 2005

Ah, sociology . . . . :)
Men refer to other men as "guys" usually. Pretty close to "girls".
I guess, again, it depends on the intent. If a person is meaning to be condescending than you might have a point.
steph

I used to say boys and girls. Course at the time I was still relatively new to nursing in the US and would always start the morning with a "Hello boys" to the RTs I worked with which was usually answered with a "Hey girl!". All was well until one woman complained that my comment was racist. Apparently she didn't like me using the word "boy" because one of the RTs was African American and she felt I was being insensitive to him. At the time, I was still very uneducated about American racial history and didn't mean it to be offensive. I was so embarassed and apologized to the RT the next time I saw him. He just laughed his butt off saying he wasn't ever offended and that he didn't need a caucasion woman to defend him from me. I was relieved that I didn't offend him, but I have never used the word "boy" when speaking with coworkers again.

allnurses Guide · Dec 23, 2005

Speaking of PC. The first time I went to college was at a big university in the 70s. I befriended quite a few feminists. They loathed being called a girl............"I ceased being a girl when I became a woman." (the most radical of them spell it womyn, which sometimes slips out of my typing.) :roll

This whole thread is reminding me of the "Merry Christmas" vs. "Happy Holiday" thread.

Tweety - I think you hit the nail on the head . . .this girl vs woman vs ladies vs opening the door vs not opening the door is absolutely tied to the feminist movement.

Poor guys - how do you ever know whether you are about to put your foot in your mouths?

Seriously though - aren't there more important things to think about?

steph (the resident girl)

allnurses Guide · Dec 23, 2005

LOL, I've gotten that a few times. That look is cute for you. (because God knows I would never be caught looking like that). :chuckle

Sharon - a good friend and I were at lunch with her teenage daughter and during the conversation my friend and I bemoaned the changes that aging has wrought on our faces and with our bodies. The teenager said "well, for women your age, you both look pretty good".

That is definitely a back-handed compliment.

steph:)

allnurses Guide · Dec 23, 2005

Sorry, but guys does not equate to boys.

That was not my intent . . . :)

I meant that men don't call themselves "boys" for the most part, it is "guys" so your point was a bit off the mark.

steph