Or perhaps the title of this thread should be "how to accept a compliment graciously".
Some of the men at work have started referring to me and one of the other nurses as "doc". (I work in an office building). They'll say "Hey, doc" or "there's my doc"; that sort of thing. They know full well we're nurses, in fact some of us are on a first-name basis. They mean it as a compliment you see; they're letting us know how much they think of us and our skills by giving us a "promotion" so to speak. One guy said it was his way of showing gratitude and that we carried ourselves better than nurses. I cheerily correct them whenever they do this but a couple of them were put out that I didn't accept their compliment. I know they mean well, but I cannot allow and do not wish for them to refer to me this way.
Also, one of the other guys has started calling us his "girls". This also makes me grit my teeth. Again, I know he has good intentions and he wants to convey his good feelings towards us, but am I wrong in thinking this is patronizing? I don't want to be petty, but I cannot imagine anyone referring to a group of female physicians or attorneys as girls.
I go out of my way to maintain a professional image, dressing conservatively and while we are friendly, we do not act flirtatious or inappropriate with them. Is it rude for me to refuse what is meant to be a compliment? Am I wrong for being irritated by this?
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
It truly depends on context to me.
Being called "girl" or "girlie" totally insulting unless it's a sweet lil ole confused patient. By anyone else, it's a problem for me. But I don't make a huge issue of it, either. I have been known to politely state my name and credential when I sensed disrespect. No problem being assertive and polite---usually does the trick.
What i intended doen't mean that someone's not going to like it. Even if i meant it in a good way, and someone didn't like it, i'd still stop it. I can't say that for a couple of people i work with, who think it's cute to refer to females as "chicks" (all the time).
I'm just not buying the i-don't-mean-it-as-an-insult-so-that makes-it-ok.
First of all I may be wrong as I am going by memory only, but I'm not sure the folks in question:
1) Are insulting anyone (opinion for the sake of this thread),
2) That the OP feels "insulted" (read her initial response to mine), or
3) That the folks in question knew at the time of her post she was uncomfortable with the words.
Quite frankly, it most certainly IS okay to have the attitude of, "I don't mean it as an insult so that makes it okay," due to the fact that they have yet to be told they are saying anything inappropriate.
I stand behind my comment of intent. There is already enough confrontation, PC BS, hate, conflict, and just mean people out there. I'm not about to go looking for something to complain about when the intent is CLEARLY positive.
I stand behind my comment of intent. There is already enough confrontation, PC BS, hate, conflict, and just mean people out there. I'm not about to go looking for something to complain about when the intent is CLEARLY positive.
Off topic. But my question to you is, if the intent is clearly positive, but received as negative....say they tell you "I know you didn't mean anything, but I'm insulted by being called a doc (girl, or whatever)".
What is your response?
My response is one of tolerance of other peoples feelings and beliefs. I don't have to agree with them one bit, or even may wonder "what the heck are they talking about", but I'm not going to try to make them own my feelings and beliefs either. I'm simply going to apologize and respect them and comply with their wishes. I'm not going to feel guilt about calling them a doc because my intent was clearly positive, but I'm not going to continue because my intent was clearly positive either.
I think people are too quick to brush off other peoples feelings. People have lifes completely different that ours and come to their feelings and beliefs in many ways.
My humble opinion is that just because the intent was clearly positive doesn't make it alright. Sometimes we have to admit our good intentions may be hurtful. I personally have been hurt by others good intentions, while they shouldn't feel guilt because they were acting on their own beliefs and thinking they were doing me and society a favor, it was hurtful.
Speaking of PC. The first time I went to college was at a big university in the 70s. I befriended quite a few feminists. They loathed being called a girl............"I ceased being a girl when I became a woman." (the most radical of them spell it womyn, which sometimes slips out of my typing.) :roll
Tweety...
I'm going to be in the minority again.
I'm not a feminist. If someone else wants to label themself that way, cool beans. But it's not for me.
It's like folks who are prejudiced. Running around calling myself an anti-bigot is silly. Laws are in place to protect folks and the only thing left is to change the minds and attitudes of others. That isn't going to happen because I call myself an anti-bigot. Instead that is something that comes with time and future generations. Example, my Mom used to tell stories about how she was so uncomfortable in the south when my Dad was in the service. She'd be walking down the sidewalk and if a black gentleman was walking towards her he would leave the sidewalk, walk in the middle of the street, lower his head so it was more than clear he was not looking at her and after they passed one another he would go back to walking on the sidewalk. She hated it, absolutely hated it. That isn't how she was raised and she couldn't wrap her brain around it. That was her generation. My generation has changed, a previous manager of mine was a black man. That would have never been the case in my Mom's generation.
Same concept holds true for feminism. We have the laws in place, people are aware of the laws, if someone breaks a law there are consequences. So what's left to fight for? People to change their minds and attitudes? Calling myself a feminist isn't going to do a thing in the world to change their attitudes. That comes with time and future generations. Understand, I'm not referring to 3rd world countries or places where women are as worthy as a box of snot. I'm referring to the US. If I was a feminist, what would I fight for? The existing laws? Would I fight to have someone change their attitudes? Not gonna happen.
I want my doors opened for me, I want the car brought to me if it is raining, hot, or I don't want to walk in spikes. I return the favor as well. I get the coffee, I go get the pizza, etc. It's give and take. It doesn't mean he walks all over me, it means we are comfortable with our mutual respect for one another. No need for feminism at home or work in my case.
The point is also the best of intentions can hurt. Why can't the hurt/insulted/mildly irritated person point that out without others saying "lighten up", "I hate all this PC crap", "it doesn't matter what you say nowadays someone is going to be insulted", "it's a joke for heaven's sake", "no harm was meant". Why can't you just respect the individuals feelings, rather than invalidate them with good intentions. You don't have to agree or buy into their pc and agree with them.
You know the type of person that is always looking for something to complain about? They are the type that will just sit there waiting for an opportunity to call someone on some "act" or "behavior". Sometimes it really does seem like they look for issues to be annoyed with so they can speak up and correct someone.
That's what the mega PC police are like to me. That's how I view them.
It's hard anymore, what is appropriate and desired for one is insulting to another. I'll give you another example. A gal at work, she refers to EVERYONE as cutey, sweetie, or honey and it's annoying. If I say, "Hey M, how was your weekend?" Her response always starts with Sweetie! Yet if another employee referred to me as sweetie I wouldn't think twice about it. So what is my rule then? One person can refer to me in that way but not another? With the one who does it non-stop there is no intent. There is true meaning behind the term. She just thinks it's cute. I find it annoying but I wouldn't say anything to her. Life is too short and I've learned over my years that I'd rather pick and choose my battles. All of life doesn't need to be a battle.
Off topic. But my question to you is, if the intent is clearly positive, but received as negative....say they tell you "I know you didn't mean anything, but I'm insulted by being called a doc (girl, or whatever)".
What is your response?
Same as yours.
I think people are too quick to brush off other peoples feelings. People have lifes completely different that ours and come to their feelings and beliefs in many ways.
I never inferred that if someone tells me they are uncomfortable with something I said that I would continue doing so. My point is that I simply don't let the little stuff get to me. There are far bigger fish to fry in this world. I can't control how another feels, responds, reacts, etc. But I can control that within myself. I pick my battles today and the whole world doesn't have to be a big battle.
we used to have this doctor who could be doogie howser's clone- very young and innocent looking. no matter who the nurses were, he would always say "good morning young lady"....even if the nurse was in her 60's. although his intent was benign, the older nurses were put off by it. so one morning when he said his "good morning young lady" to a nurse in her 50's/60's, she turned around and said "you should talk, dr. doogie". i tell you, he turned ten shades of red and never said it again.
otoh, there's been sev'l times i've said to my colleagues, "come on girls, time for the meeting" and no one seemed offended at all. as for being called 'doc', perhaps a response like 'nah, i'm perfectly content being a nurse' would suffice....if it bothers you that much.
leslie
We have a foreign-born Physician who serves the pts where I practice and he frequently refers to women who are far from young as "young lady". I have yet to see anyone take offense. It is almost a term of endearment, or even, respect, the way he uses it. BTW, he also refers to elderly gentlemen as "young man". I see nothing wrong w/this and I am sure he would be v. surprised and contrite if he felt he was being offensive. Another country heard from, so to speak.
I mean it's not a matter of being PC to me. But (a couple of times on this board) someone's refered to me as 'kiddo', which i don't like (and i let them know it.) Sorry, the only person that calls me that is my dad.
I have never minded being called "kiddo". It seems like a term of endearment to me. In my experience, most people who call people "kiddo" call every one "kiddo" and it comes off as a friendly, we're-all-in-this-together sort of sentiment. Kind of like an equalizer. Maybe I'm wrong. Or perhaps I'm mistaken. Whatever.
I understand your feelings. The same issue developed at a couple of places I worked. We, ( the males) solved the problem by just quit talking to these women. We simply ignored them. I started to try to time my approach to the door, so as to insure that I would not reach it at the same time as a female employee. If I opened the door for them, I was being disrespectful of their sex. If I did not hold the door open for them, I was creating a hostile work envirement. We just started doing our jobs without so much as a word. Walking down the hall, it was eyes straight ahead, no facial expression at all. Wasn't much fun to work their and I got the hell out as soon as possible , but at least I didn't get sued. My supervisor,(a male) got in trouble for asking a protected class to limit her lunch hour to 60 min.
He quit too, and was replaced by a protected class. From what I hear,
nothing much has changed, morale is as low as ever. At least everything was Politically Correct.
That's too bad. Some people RREEAALLYY need to unclench and start enjoying things for what they are rather than looking for hidden meanings. And what's w/this door opening thing? Good grief.! I am a female, if someone opens a door for me, I figure they are being polite and I say thank you. I open doors for people of all genders and rank, especially if they have their hands full or appear to be in a hurry. And I have had people of all genders and rank open doors for me. I have taught my 2 sons to open doors for women, the elderly, the handicapped and those who are carrying a burden. That's just common courtesy folks. Too bad it is becoming all-too-uncommon.
I am a female, if someone opens a door for me, I figure they are being polite and I say thank you. I open doors for people of all genders and rank, especially if they have their hands full or appear to be in a hurry. And I have had people of all genders and rank open doors for me. I have taught my 2 sons to open doors for women, the elderly, the handicapped and those who are carrying a burden. That's just common courtesy folks. Too bad it is becoming all-too-uncommon.
Tweety, BSN, RN
36,273 Posts
But is it fair to belittle someone to whom these ideas are important, with a statement like "aren't there more important things to think about?".
Yes, for me there are more important things.
ER vs. floor nurse, why does the ER always bring their patients at shift change?
Day shift nurses vs. night shift. Night shift nurses only work nights because they are inherently lazy and have no people skills.
Or how about BSN vs. ADN, which are better nurses?
Gay marriage, is the gay agenda ruining the family?
Republicans only care about money, not the common man nor the evironment.
Discuss.