Back-handed compliments

Marie_LPN, RN, LPN, RN · Dec 22, 2005

I don't think you are. Like Grandma said "I haven't been a girl since i was 13." If i were called someone's girl, it better be my b/f saying that. Since i don't have one....

Had a couple of docs call me "sweetie" before. My reply is "Marie."

The typical reference to the female employees of the OR is "ladies." Which is fine with me.

Bipley · Dec 22, 2005

Or perhaps the title of this thread should be "how to accept a compliment graciously".
Some of the men at work have started referring to me and one of the other nurses as "doc". (I work in an office building). They'll say "Hey, doc" or "there's my doc"; that sort of thing. They know full well we're nurses, in fact some of us are on a first-name basis. They mean it as a compliment you see; they're letting us know how much they think of us and our skills by giving us a "promotion" so to speak. One guy said it was his way of showing gratitude and that we carried ourselves better than nurses. I cheerily correct them whenever they do this but a couple of them were put out that I didn't accept their compliment. I know they mean well, but I cannot allow and do not wish for them to refer to me this way.
Also, one of the other guys has started calling us his "girls". This also makes me grit my teeth. Again, I know he has good intentions and he wants to convey his good feelings towards us, but am I wrong in thinking this is patronizing? I don't want to be petty, but I cannot imagine anyone referring to a group of female physicians or attorneys as girls.
I go out of my way to maintain a professional image, dressing conservatively and while we are friendly, we do not act flirtatious or inappropriate with them. Is it rude for me to refuse what is meant to be a compliment? Am I wrong for being irritated by this?

I already know I will be in the minority here but I'm going to do it anyway.

I don't see a problem with any of the above. The reason is that you KNOW the intent. People have different ways of expressing respect. The way you show respect isn't the way another shows respect. There is a subtle difference between professionalism and respect. Sometimes it is okay to let professionalism slide in private and allow someone to show their sincere respect in their own way. Since you know full well the true respect is there then that is what matters to me. With soooo much disrespect and hate out there I sincerely care about intent. Isn't that what holds value?

I can call you Ms. or I can refer to you and that "very professional person" but you really don't know my intent. I could simply be professional. What's wrong with being a little personal? I don't mean intrusive, but personal.

I just don't let the PC police take over my life, I refuse. Intent matters to me farrrr more than PC rules and that's the way it is.

I was raised by a man that had three daughters. We had girlfriends in and out of the house all day long. There was no way he could remember which friend belonged to which daughter and what their names were. Instead of referring to them as, "Hey you," or "What's your name again?" He referred to them as honey or sweetie. He didn't mean anything negative by that, it was HIS way.

If someone cares about me and respects me as a professional and a person they aren't going to refer to me as, "Hey B!itch!" Thus, I have absolutely no problem understanding intent.

I really have a problem with professionalism and PC police getting in the way of true intent today. I refuse to cave. I equate it to a gentleman opening my door. It angers me that some men will hold my door open and then cringe waiting to see if I will slam him while explaining I am capable of holding my own darn door or if I will respond with a polite and respectful, "Thank you!" He is WELL aware I can open my own door, he is showing respectful intent by opening it for me.

People would be shocked at how my b/f and I live our lives. He wouldn't DREAM of getting his dead orifice up off the couch to get his own coffee. Yet I wouldn't DREAM of getting my hair wet walking to the car in the rain. It is his job to bring the car to me. It's give and take, not give... not take, but give AND take.

It isn't PC to disagree with you, but I am anyway. Intent is what matters and somewhere we have gotten away from intent and we focus on the plastic part of life, the fake part. Let's get to the heart. That would be intent. Would you prefer someone that has the utmost respect for you but you wouldn't be able to tell by the language? Or would you prefer knowing without a doubt someone fully respects you as a person and a professional? You make it clear yourself, you know the intent. Would you prefer to guess the intent?

Again, I know I will be in the minority and I don't care. That is my preference.

Marie_LPN, RN, LPN, RN · Dec 22, 2005

It's not a matter of PC to me. If i'm not comfortable with something, that's reason enough for me, PC or not.

Thing of it is, i'm not 10 anymore, i'm a year from 30. I'm a woman. I prefered to be refered to as a woman or a lady, not "girl".

And it goes both ways for me. It would seem a little odd to refer to any adult male at my job as a "boy".

**RosesrReder, BSN, MSN, RN** · Dec 22, 2005

You are not wrong, I wouldn't like to be refered to "doc" or "girl" by anyone. THEY are the ones who have the problem for not understanding.

Thank them for the compliment and that is it. If you don't like to be called that just let them know you don't like it, you don't even need to get into an explanation. If they give you slack about it, then just dismiss it or be more firm. Tell them you dislike it and you shouldn't be called because you are not a doctor or a girl.

Good luck

CrunchRN, ADN, RN · Dec 22, 2005

Bipley you have company! It wouldn't bother me knowing that the intent is to honor what I do. Lot's of older folks say those things, and I can roll with it. If the intent were not positive then I would be extremely annoyed by it and let them know.

Nella · Dec 22, 2005

There are so many variables in situations like yours. I've had older men refer to me as a girl. I'm talking men in their 70's. I didn't correct them. They meant no harm by it. And I figured at their age they were not going to change. They probably referred to women as girls all their lives. It's their culture norm. It's certainly not what I would prefer but I quess it's the intent that matters. They meant to compliment you? Enough said. But maybe it does depend on where your area of comfort is. Maybe I was mre comfortable w it than you. Do what feels right for you.

And don't get me wrong. I'm older and am what they used to call a "women's libber". I have no problem correcting behavior/language. I had a patient actually whistle for me once when he needed a nurse in the hospital. I told him that's how a person calls for a dog, not a nurse. If he wanted me to come, he better use that call light.

llg, PhD, RN · Dec 22, 2005

My reactions would be very similar to those of the original poster. I would also "keep it light and friendly," but gently try to steer the people back to using a more appropriate form of address. For me, first names are just fine, but I would not like the "girl" thing and if you encourage the "doc" thing, it might be misconstrued by someone who might think she were misrepresenting herself as a doctor.

I would try to explain in a friendly way that using "doc" is inappropriate because it's illegal to represent yourself as a doctor when you are not. The men might understand the need to be careful about that. I might smile and say something like, "Oh, please just call me ____, I don't want anyone to think I am trying to represent myself as a doctor. That could get me into trouble."

If I had to choose, I would tackle the "girl" issue last. While it is personally irritating, it doesn't skirt any laws. I would try to make a joke of it, perhaps refering to the men as "boys" immediately after they used the term "girls." For example, if a man said something about "his girls," I would immediately respond with "You boys ... blah blah blah."

Good luck,

llg

SharonH, RN · Dec 22, 2005

I already know I will be in the minority here but I'm going to do it anyway.
I don't see a problem with any of the above. The reason is that you KNOW the intent. People have different ways of expressing respect. The way you show respect isn't the way another shows respect. There is a subtle difference between professionalism and respect. Sometimes it is okay to let professionalism slide in private and allow someone to show their sincere respect in their own way. Since you know full well the true respect is there then that is what matters to me. With soooo much disrespect and hate out there I sincerely care about intent. Isn't that what holds value?
I can call you Ms. or I can refer to you and that "very professional person" but you really don't know my intent. I could simply be professional. What's wrong with being a little personal? I don't mean intrusive, but personal.
I just don't let the PC police take over my life, I refuse. Intent matters to me farrrr more than PC rules and that's the way it is.
I was raised by a man that had three daughters. We had girlfriends in and out of the house all day long. There was no way he could remember which friend belonged to which daughter and what their names were. Instead of referring to them as, "Hey you," or "What's your name again?" He referred to them as honey or sweetie. He didn't mean anything negative by that, it was HIS way.
If someone cares about me and respects me as a professional and a person they aren't going to refer to me as, "Hey B!itch!" Thus, I have absolutely no problem understanding intent.
I really have a problem with professionalism and PC police getting in the way of true intent today. I refuse to cave. I equate it to a gentleman opening my door. It angers me that some men will hold my door open and then cringe waiting to see if I will slam him while explaining I am capable of holding my own darn door or if I will respond with a polite and respectful, "Thank you!" He is WELL aware I can open my own door, he is showing respectful intent by opening it for me.
People would be shocked at how my b/f and I live our lives. He wouldn't DREAM of getting his dead orifice up off the couch to get his own coffee. Yet I wouldn't DREAM of getting my hair wet walking to the car in the rain. It is his job to bring the car to me. It's give and take, not give... not take, but give AND take.
It isn't PC to disagree with you, but I am anyway. Intent is what matters and somewhere we have gotten away from intent and we focus on the plastic part of life, the fake part. Let's get to the heart. That would be intent. Would you prefer someone that has the utmost respect for you but you wouldn't be able to tell by the language? Or would you prefer knowing without a doubt someone fully respects you as a person and a professional? You make it clear yourself, you know the intent. Would you prefer to guess the intent?
Again, I know I will be in the minority and I don't care. That is my preference.

Believe it or not, I don't disagree with you entirely. I know that intent matters, that is where the conflict comes in. At what point do you dismiss someone who does not necessarily do the right thing but means well? I don't know, but thanks for your thoughts.

Nikki69 · Dec 22, 2005

I don't mind being called "girl". Come on, some people might think you are uptight. You said you "cannot allow" them to refer to you this way. You may want to think about this because if you let them know that you do not wish for them to refer to you this way, they might not think of you this way anymore. I do think it is rude to refuse this compliment.

Keysnurse2008 · Dec 23, 2005

Ok...I am sure you know these individuals well...and if you say they mean no harm...I am sure they dont. But....if you want it to stop you have to enforce the ACTION=REACTION rule. For every action their is a reaction.Their action is calling you "doc"...and you react probably by smiling or being polite.WRONG REACTION!!!If this is something you truly want to stop.

Do you have to offend them? No...but ya gotta dish it back. For every action their is a reaction.Think of a really negative -humourous pet name for them.And eventually they will realize when they say to you.........

"Hi DOC"-(action) your reaction is going to be "Hi Suagr Blossom"..or something to that effect.For every action their is a reaction.Men ...usually dont "REALLY" like.... to be called sugar blossom either...and if they come to realize that is going to be your "reaction" every time...you will soon be addresssed by your name again.And again....no one was made "angry".Action=Reaction.Be creative...say "Hi Nurse Clinger"(mash series nurse cross dresser).lol.

Bipley · Dec 23, 2005

I would try to explain in a friendly way that using "doc" is inappropriate because it's illegal to represent yourself as a doctor when you are not. ...

But SHE isn't representing herself as a doc. People have unusual reasons for referring to others as "doc" and if SHE isn't running around telling everyone she is a doctor, she isn't representing herself as one.

It would be like someone referring to me as the garbage collector. Okay, wait... I need to think of one that isn't real. It would be like someone referring to me as the gardener. Doesn't mean I am one or that I claim to be one. They can call me whatever they wish, that does not mean I am representing MYSELF as any such thing.