Family members that follow you

Ruby Vee, BSN · Aug 13, 2011

i had a family where the patients son had a notebook. he took down every note in that stupid little notebook. i mean everything!! doc and i were in the room and the doc was listening to lung sounds, the son was like "what do you hear?" and the doctor was like "ronchi" (attempting to throw him off) he looked at me "how do spell that?"
i mean every freaking detail was written in this notebook. every medication i gave he asked me every question you could possibly think of. "if you don't know the answer, is it really safe to be administering this medication?"
i just wanted to rip that darn notebook out of his hand and destroy it!! ugh.

a few years ago it was all the rage for popular magazines to advise their readers that if they had a family member in the hospital, someone should sit at the bedside 24/7 with a notebook "to make sure no one makes a medical error." (i cancelled my subscriptions.) for months after those articles were published, people would sit at the bedside and record everything. then when cellphone cameras came out, they wanted to photograph the staff so they could document who "made the error." i had one family that would write down the vital signs, and if i recorded 123/70 instead of 126/70 (because the keys are so close) they'd want to talk to the manager about the "error." fortunately, folks have calmed down a bit about that!

Ruby Vee, BSN · Aug 13, 2011

interestingly, when a family member of mine was hospitalized, i actually thought it was rude and degrading of me to use the call light, so i would go out to talk to our nurse personally. i didn't know i was being a pain in the butt - i thought i was showing her respect instead of expecting her to answer to a bell (per se). i know better now of course! and i never followed one into another patient's room, or even followed one at all for that matter. that just seems obvious.
as far as the nagging questions, it sounds like his anxiety is out of control, that he is social inept or just plain bored.

if he's "social" he can talk to the family member he's visiting and if he's bored he can go home. or read a book. or take an ativan. people who follow the nurses around to ask trivial questions are usually just jerks.

aileenve, ASN, RN · Aug 13, 2011

Sounds like one of my pts..an elderly man with bacteremia, dementia, UTI; has daughter and wife (also has dementia) at bedside, the daughter sends the mother to the nurses station with "call the nurse in here, Dad needs the bed pan", turned, checked etc; they stand there until you go, even if you say I will be right in, then the wife will say she needs to go to the bathroom, the daughter will send her out in the hall and expect the staff to direct and watch her! I wonder what happens at home when she is with her mother...since this lady gets lost every time. :mad:

allnurses Guide · Aug 13, 2011

a few years ago it was all the rage for popular magazines to advise their readers that if they had a family member in the hospital, someone should sit at the bedside 24/7 with a notebook "to make sure no one makes a medical error."fortunately, folks have calmed down a bit about that!

my aunt does this and it is mortifying.

i came in to visit gramps and was immediately met with attitude by the staff nurse.

the nurse asks me if i'm "the nurse" in the family. i laughed and said, "ohhhh no... i'm a student!"

then i have to listen to the nurse (rather acidly) tell gramps how lucky he was to have a "doctor, nurse, paramedic and pharm tech" in the family to help him out.

ummm... right, then.

the rest is true, but i said i wasn't a nurse and, no, i had no intention of mentioning i was a student. seriously, the nurse doesn't give a crap.

i just thought gramps was bragging, as grandparents will do...

but why was the nurse being so sarcastic and nasty?

turns out, my aunt was taking notes like crazy and asking question on top of question and stressing that the family (doctor, "nurse", paramedic and pharm tech) was looking out for gramps and knew everything and blah blah blah... ugh!

she was just making a complete a** of herself and made me look like one before i even got through the door.

crikey! i don't need anyone's help to look like a twit!!

why does auntie do it?

to catch a mistake, to feel in control, to embarrass the rest of us... oh heck, i don't know.

i just had to vent that.

i felt my ears burning up as i read that.

cheers.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Aug 13, 2011

sounds like one of my pts..an elderly man with bacteremia, dementia, uti; has daughter and wife (also has dementia) at bedside, the daughter sends the mother to the nurses station with "call the nurse in here, dad needs the bed pan", turned, checked etc; they stand there until you go, even if you say i will be right in, then the wife will say she needs to go to the bathroom, the daughter will send her out in the hall and expect the staff to direct and watch her! i wonder what happens at home when she is with her mother...since this lady gets lost every time.

i had a 68 year old patient in the icu, and his wife brought in his 90-something year old mother to visit. patient puts on the call light and says he needs to go to the bathroom. i go in there with a bedpan since he's on a balloon pump and has a foley. it turned out he wanted me to take his mother to the bathroom. i told him that we didn't toilet visitors, his wife needed to do that.

"oh," he said. "she doesn't like to do that."

"i'm sorry, sir. we can't take your mother to the bathroom. there are no patient bathrooms in the icu, and the visitor's bathroom is outside the double doors."

"well you're going to have to take her because my wife doesn't want to."

when faced with the alternative of taking his mother to the er to be admitted or taking her to the bathroom, the wife chose to take her to the bathroom. as far as i'm concerned, those that bring them toilet them. i'd never dream of taking my mother somewhere to visit and expecting the staff to toilet her!

Poi Dog · Aug 13, 2011

When family members follow me I put 'em to work by asking them to carry stuff back to their family member like a blanket/plasma tv/ice machine/ice cream maker. They are usually happy to oblige.

LoveMyBugs, BSN, CNA, RN · Aug 14, 2011

My aunt does this and it is mortifying.
I came in to visit Gramps and was immediately met with attitude by the staff nurse.
The nurse asks me if I'm "the nurse" in the family. I laughed and said, "Ohhhh no... I'm a student!"
Then I have to listen to the nurse (rather acidly) tell Gramps how lucky he was to have a "doctor, nurse, paramedic and pharm tech" in the family to help him out.
Ummm... right, then.
The rest is true, but I said I wasn't a nurse and, no, I had no intention of mentioning I was a student. Seriously, the nurse doesn't give a crap.
I just thought Gramps was bragging, as grandparents will do...
But why was the nurse being so sarcastic and nasty?
Turns out, my aunt was taking notes like crazy and asking question on top of question and stressing that the family (doctor, "nurse", paramedic and pharm tech) was looking out for Gramps and knew everything and blah blah blah... ugh!
She was just making a complete a** of herself and made me look like one before I even got through the door.
Crikey! I don't need anyone's help to look like a twit!!
Why does Auntie do it?
To catch a mistake, to feel in control, to embarrass the rest of us... oh heck, I don't know.
I just had to vent that.
I felt my ears burning up as I read that.
Cheers.

My sister did the same thing when she was in the hospital having her baby. I went to be with my sister and she told the nurse before I got there that I was a nurse. I don't know what else she told them, but enough that it got communicated in report because when the next shift came on and the next nurse was in the room my sister started in on "this is my sister she is a nurse" and the nurse would look at me and say "yes I already knew that!" with an odd tone in her voice.

I finally told the nurse I am not an L&D nurse, I am a new grad working in a SNF, I am just here to support my sister. Then told my sister to stop telling them that I am a nurse, when I had questions I didn't want to be the annoying "doctor, nurse, paramedic..." I wasn't watching their every move trying to catch a mistake, but my sister sure made it sound that way.. :uhoh3:

nyrn5125 · Aug 14, 2011

our family members have no boundary and so we constantly have to deal with the rudeness, visitor free for all, , showing up anytime of day, or coming and finding the nurse for the dumbest things. if any family goes to the door of another pt room looking for me i abruptly tell them they cannot come in another pt room and then I shut the door. and yes i have had family open the door without knocking, so rude. there is something in nursing that people think they do not have to respect boundaries. Oh and the staring they just stare at you, so annoying

Once had a family member shutting the door while we were in a room transferring a pt from one bed to another. he got in the way of the 2 beds and then pulled the door closed so daddy doesn't have to hear the noise of the bells in the hall. I yelled across the room what are you doing, if my pt codes I can't hear the alarm. don't ever touch anything in this hospital again.For me the worst offenders are the people who think they or their kids can touch the iv pumps, that makes me irate that they think they have any business touching it. one daughter said to me it said to press hold so I did.

Can't imagine going to their job and touching their stuff, it's disgusting

brandy1017, ASN, RN · Aug 14, 2011

{original quote Jenni 811

{I had a family where the patient's son had a notebook. he took down EVERY note in that stupid little notebook. I mean everything! Doc and I were listening to lung sounds the son was like "what do you hear" and the Dr was like rhonchi (attempt to throw him off) he looked at me "how do you spell that".

I mean EVERY FREAKING detail was written in this notebook. Every med I gave he asked me every question he could think of, "If you don't know the answer is it really safe to be administering this med"

I just wanted to rip that darn notebook out of his hand and destroy it!}

Sounds like that son was very anxious and afraid for his loved one and wanted to make sure everything would be all right. This vigilance is to be admired even if it feels intimidating. I would just try to reassure him and explain and educate as best you can.

You feel so helpless when your loved one is sick! I've encountered too many times with my loved ones when they are sick and slowly dying, all your knowledge and all the knowledge in the world isn't enough to save them. That is the saddest thing when all you want is to find a way to make them well and it's not possible. The best you can do sometimes is just try to make them as comfortable as possible and spend all the time you can with them while they are alive, creating wonderful memories of the time you have left with your loved one. Those memories will comfort you when they have passed on to heaven.

Never place work above your family and loved ones. Work is fleeting, your loved ones are the ones to stand by you threw thick and thin.

opossum · Aug 14, 2011

This sounds like my day shift yesterday...only it wasn't even my patients or their families doing it - family members of other nurses' patients were hounding me down in the hallway or calling me directly on my work wireless phone. Crazy. (Although, to be fair, one of the nurses wrote down the wrong number on the whiteboard, so the pts thought they were calling that nurse, not me...)

Still, it was ridiculous to have that happening on top of other pt's families annoying me all shift. One family member stopped me at the entrance of the nurses station to tell me that her husband "needed a saline flush"....okaaaaayy.

opossum · Aug 14, 2011

Oh! I almost forgot. A few nights ago, I was on the phone taking report, writing notes down during shift chg when I see this guy slowly walk up to the nurses station.

He says: "Workin' hard? Hardly workin'? Hehe...mumblemumbleblahblahsomethingstupid...]"

I cut him off: "We're doing a shift change right now" and went back to my notes...

In retrospect, I could have said something sharper or more sarcastic, but I think I was just a little stunned at his brazenness. I mean, I understand families are under stress when they're loved one is sick and they're in an unfamiliar environment, but I would never *think* to disturb someone while they are clearly AT WORK, ON THE PHONE, WRITING SOMETHING DOWN. It's just a jerky thing to do.

I really wish there were a way to do shift change in peace, somewhere right off the unit.

nerdtonurse?, BSN, RN · Aug 14, 2011

The flip side to this is when my sister was in the hospital, my parents and her husband wanted me to be the one to run out and get the ice, extra blanket, juice, soda, magazine, footies, etc. -- some for my sister, but most for them. After about the 10th "fetch and carry" I put my foot down. I didn't work there, and they didn't want to "bother the nurse" so they wanted ME to go "bother the nurse" or go down to the refreshment station or the cafeteria and get stuff. Not for critical stuff like sudden new pain, sudden frank blood/saturated bandage, you know, stuff you need to tell someone about right then, just "fluff." A little fluff is good, a lot of fluff just means more crap for the nurses and more junk I had to haul back to the car.

It's bad when you have to tell your own family. "No, we will ask for something once an hour, max, and you can make a list and we'll get it all then. You guys are turning into one of THOSE KIND of families!" They settled down after that. And I slipped out and apologized to the nurses.