why dont i care like i should?

NurseLoveJoy88, ASN, RN · Jun 27, 2011

After 18 years maybe you desensitized yourself from the burdens of others. Its not a complete horrible thing but once you see somethings so often, then its kind of not a really big deal.

I pray for you and your mom. AD is a devastating disease and everyone copes in his or her own way.

kayern · Jun 27, 2011

You care otherwise you wouldn't be writing. I think you're in nurse mode and not daughter mode because that works for you, perhaps as a mechanism which helps you cope.

Prayers to you and yours. I've seen AD in my own family and its very sad and exhausting.

Whispera, MSN, RN · Jun 27, 2011

Seeing terrible things happen to people makes us at least somewhat desensitized so we can keep doing what we're doing. I think that could be part of what's going on with you. Another part could be that you are aware of how dementia/Alzheimer's progress so it's not as much a shock to you as it is to someone with no experience with it.

Warm wishes to you and your mom as you go through this adventure...

rdsxfnrn · Jun 27, 2011

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Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Jun 27, 2011

I don't think you're a bit uncaring or "blase`".......I think it's a survival tactic.

I can't count the number of times over the years that a friend or loved one has had a medical crisis of some sort and I've gone into clinician mode, because if I'd tried to approach the situation as a friend or loved one I'd have fallen apart. Shutting down on the emotion and keeping everything on a professional level enable me to push away the feelings of panic; these tricks also help me stay focused when I need to assess a medical issue, when reporting signs and symptoms, and when doctors or specialists give advice.

Otherwise, I'd be a mess and everyone else would go into orbit. Several years ago, my brother-in-law was diagnosed with Stage IV esophageal cancer, and all I could do was to talk about "treatment options" and "prognoses". It wasn't until the night before his death that I finally broke down crying, and his nurse just put her arm around me and said "Look, you've been handling this in 'nurse mode' all along....it's a lot easier than just being a sister-in-law, but that's who he needs you to be now."

And that's the very same advice I'm going to offer you, OP: though it's no picnic, the time has come for you to let go and just be a daughter. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

SneakySnake · Jun 27, 2011

I don't think you're a bit uncaring or "blase`".......I think it's a survival tactic.
I can't count the number of times over the years that a friend or loved one has had a medical crisis of some sort and I've gone into clinician mode, because if I'd tried to approach the situation as a friend or loved one I'd have fallen apart. Shutting down on the emotion and keeping everything on a professional level enable me to push away the feelings of panic; these tricks also help me stay focused when I need to assess a medical issue, when reporting signs and symptoms, and when doctors or specialists give advice.
Otherwise, I'd be a mess and everyone else would go into orbit. Several years ago, my brother-in-law was diagnosed with Stage IV esophageal cancer, and all I could do was to talk about "treatment options" and "prognoses". It wasn't until the night before his death that I finally broke down crying, and his nurse just put her arm around me and said "Look, you've been handling this in 'nurse mode' all along....it's a lot easier than just being a sister-in-law, but that's who he needs you to be now."
And that's the very same advice I'm going to offer you, OP: though it's no picnic, the time has come for you to let go and just be a daughter. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

I am so thankful this topic has been brought up!

My dad passed away due to complications of esophageal cancer. I totally went into nurse mode. I was close to my father. By the time I was born my mom went back to work and he raised me.

I haven't mourned his death, not shed a single tear. My mother, sisters, brother (all in the medical field nurses and doctors) were able to mourn but not me.

He passed a year ago and I am doing better now but initially I found that when I felt sad instead of acting sad I would be angry or just plain mean. I am over that part of it now but I just don't know when it is going to hit me or if it ever will.

I am actually a little nervous about working ltc. I fear I will "loose it" when one of my residents pass because I have not dealt with this.....Have I? Maybe I have delt with it in my own way?

All I know is that "nurse mode" set in with the diagnosis and that is where my mind stayed. I was the family member "assigned" to send out emails to keep friends and family updated about my dad and actually had to hand that job over to someone else because my emails were for all practical purposes nurses notes and people were commenting about the lack of personal details and emotion because they wanted more than just the medical stuff.

Whew.....I am glad I finally got to say all of that "out loud" to someone! Sorry for the rambling......I had to type quick! Kiddos are waiting for their bed time story :)

arabstarRN · Jun 27, 2011

I can kind of relate to you, only my situation is my grandpa has Parkinson's. A lil over a year ago, I saw signs that I thought was Parkinson's, and when I asked other family members about the signs and if they had noticed anything that I hadn't seen, everyone blew me off and told me, "He does not have Parkinson's, he is just getting older". He is now 80 years old, and the doctor about 6 months ago diagnosed him with Parkinson's disease. He has the shuffling gait, the not able to turn when he wants to and not able to stop when he wants to, falls quite often, etc. He had the classic signs then, and I am kicking myself for not stressing he get checked out sooner... While he is still highly functioning, its still sad because I can see the decline starting.

Now, I am very concerned for him and I care a lot, but I wonder if I too come off as "a nurse" instead of his concerned granddaughter. He listens to me more than he does my grandma, simply because he values my medical opinion (even though I am a new nurse), but while the rest of the family was devastated that he had Parkinson's, I had a "I tried to tell you guys but no one would listen to me and blew me off" attitude (not right, I know, but I felt pretty low being the only one who thought something was wrong with grandpa only to find out I was right and then everyone else was making such a big deal about it. I was devastated to know I was right as I was really hoping for my grandpa's sake that I was wrong. I wasn't making such a big deal about it as the rest of the family did, is it because of my background, or is it because I already saw the signs and figured he would sooner or later be diagnosed with PD? I don't know... but I can understand your feelings about "not caring" like you should... I was accused of not caring much after it was known that grandpa had PD - and my reply to those family members was "I do care, and I have accepted that he has PD and will help him in any way I can. Crying about it won't change the diagnosis - I will just be there to help him in anyway I can. I do care, which is why I should have asked him to see a doctor a long time ago, even after the rest of the family told me I was nuts and he was fine." We all deal in our own way, some better than others, but you do care or you wouldn't even be questioning yourself on it. If you didn't care, you wouldn't give it a second thought...

Prayers to you and your family, AD is a hard thing to deal with - I have worked on the AD/Dementia floor at work and it is sad to see those people not understand where their loved ones or to contiunously go through a grieving process when they remember that a certain so and so has passed away...

love-d-OR · Jun 27, 2011

Yep! Seeing and knowing things as we do will do that to you. When I was in nursing school my Uncle who I was close to passed away, and I cried like a baby. Fast forward to now, my grandma passed away and while everyone was crying and being sad, I did not shed a tear. I kept saying she lived a good life, she is 80 years old its okay... Called one of my uncle's to give my condolensces and he told me " She is your grandma, you do realize that right?" Did not realize I was being detached about 2 weeks later ... Good luck and take care

dthfytr, ADN, LPN, RN, EMT-B, EMT-I · Jun 27, 2011

Nurses confront the difficulties people encounter during the journey from cradle to grave. To me, it sounds like you understand the inevitability of the whole process that that although you care, you're not putting energy into excessive emotion hoping for the impossible. Death is the price we all must pay for life. There's no requisite amount of caring required to be a nurse. You care, or you wouldn't have posted. I'm just concerned that maybe you've become a little depressed, feeling like you're not able to perform superhuman cures for the ones you love. Hope this makes sense, most of all hope it helps. Good luck. If it will help, IM me. (note that my name's "dthfytr").

tokmom, BSN, RN · Jun 27, 2011

I know in my family I'm sort of expected to be in nurse mode. My family depends on me to be the one in control. That way I can talk to the MD's and nurses and not fall apart.

The downside is, while they are all mourning the loss of a family member or dealing with the diagnoses, I'm not able to. By the time it's all over, they are in the healing stage and I'm just starting.

My step dad passed away in January. I was in nurse mode the entire 3 weeks of his hospitalization. Even after he passed away, I was the strong one. It took a pt at work a month later, who had almost identical symptoms, make me realize I had never dealt with my step dads passing. I cried all the way home and it felt good to do so.

No Stars In My Eyes · Jun 27, 2011

Nurses confront the difficulties people encounter during the journey from cradle to grave. To me, it sounds like you understand the inevitability of the whole process that that although you care, you're not putting energy into excessive emotion hoping for the impossible. Death is the price we all must pay for life. There's no requisite amount of caring required to be a nurse. You care, or you wouldn't have posted. I'm just concerned that maybe you've become a little depressed, feeling like you're not able to perform superhuman cures for the ones you love. Hope this makes sense, most of all hope it helps. Good luck. If it will help, IM me. (note that my name's "dthfytr").

I agree. I used to think I was a little too distant on the inside, but I've come to realize that everything is all a part of life, and I have an ability to accept things that others cannot, those who have not had the experiences I, in forty years of nursing, have had. It is tough in many respects when it is your own family member, but equanimity is not a bad thing. Don't compare yourself to how others are reacting, we are all different. I cry over alot of things, many things make me sad and even depressed. I don't feel I am in 'nurse-mode' when my responses seem distant. I don't enjoy seeing family members in distress and will help however I feel capable of helping, but I don't feel 'carrying on' is helpful to any of us. After an earlier life with many emotional difficulties, I have learned to separate 'MY' stuff from other people's 'stuff' and don't feel bad about the way I carry and handle things because I know my tolerance levels. And,finally, here is a slightly crass, but appropos saying: Don't SHOULD on yourself!