Doctors Say the Darnedest Things

[allnurses]

We've all heard weird, wild and even ludicrous things slip out of a doctor's mouth! Provide your quote for this National Nurses Week contest and you'll be entered to win a $250 amazon.com gift card!

Winner will be announced May 16, 2017

UPDATE May 19, 2017:

The winner of the 2017 National Nurses Week Doctors Say The Darnedest Things giveaway is user Racer15 who said:

I had a pt brought by EMS for altered mental status. ER doc is talking to the pt asking her what meds she takes. Starts listing them off and then says "and something to help with my memory, umm, it's called, umm..". Doc looks at her and says "well it's obviously not working", turns around and walks out

2017 National Nurses Week - 7 Days of Giveaways

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[Melnewt]

I was a new nurse and had a obese patient that was in respiratory distress and needed to be turned due to a plummeting O2 sat, the doctor looked at me and said " are you going to need help turning him?" to which I replied "yes." The doctor said, "well I can help you, but I have no idea what I am doing... they don't teach us how to move people in school." I was like... umm what???

[Jenben73]

"That patient isn't a DNR? Well, bless her poor old soul. Someone should do that."

To which I replied. ..."yes, they should and I think it should be YOU...."

[nancywithaj]

I had an elderly female patient who was speaking with a resident and informed him that she was supposed to be in Branson enjoying the fun but instead ended up in the hospital having surgery. The resident, without hesitation, replied, "Would you like me to dress as a pool boy? I can serve beverages." I almost fell out laughing & had to leave the room.

[Swmcclintock]

While planning my graduation party... the doctor overheard us and said "Foget Jell-O shots, empty out flushes and fill them up with the jello! Then you have a "real" shot!"

[Eagle2110, ADN, BSN, CNM]

Had a male patient who would be very anxious about the physician touching his wound. One day he asked for more lidocaine before the physician even got started. So the physician says " Lidocaine is for pu**ies, are you a pu**y?"

The patient never asked again.

[Creamsoda, ASN, RN]

While reviewing my hospitalists progress note one day it seemed as if it was a usual unremarkable note on a stable patient, until I reached the last sentence. The doctor had written "It also seems as if the patients heart has exploded". He left it like that and I was at a loss for words. I went back through the patients documentation that day and realized that when the vital signs had been logged that shift, the person entering them had mistyped the heart rate and logged it as 937 instead of 93 as was on my rounding sheets. Love doctors with a sense of humor.

Definitely my favorite one!

[JadedCPN, BSN, RN]

This was a quote on an actual medication order entered into the electronic medical record. He ordered Senna PRN. For the PRN reason, he took the time to type "poop." Under additional instructions, he typed "they really need to poop."

[JadedCPN, BSN, RN]

Ok one more came to mind! Apparently they all revolve around stool lol.

One ortho doctor wrote in his progress note "pt states he is drooling without difficulty. Today took two toilet flushes."

[rschroeder03]

Me: Dr I've given the patient Tylenol as ordered and an hour later temp is still 102.9. It's too soon for Motrin

Dr.: Is your patient covered?

Me: Well he did have a blanket on and socks but I took them off and he now just has a sheet on.

Dr: (laughing hysterically, which is funny because he is elderly and serious all of the time) No!! Is your patient covered by antibiotics!!

[artyvern618]

"Do what I mean, not what I say "

[jaycam, RN]

The provider I work on introduced themselves to me by saying "The people upstairs hate me, but that's okay because it means I am doing my job right. " Still love them to death most days. I go away on vacation and the next time they see me "Why did you leave us?"

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

I was covering for lunch when the almost brand-new intern (it was the end of July) came in to see one of my colleague's patients. I was in the middle of pushing IV Lasix on one of my patients, so I didn't get to the bedside as quickly as the intern liked. As he was famous for doing in such situations, he turned to me and said "she needs a shampoo STAT." I told him sorry, but I was covering four ICU patients and I couldn't give a STAT shampoo -- it would have to wait until my colleague got back from lunch.

"I ordered a STAT shampoo," he said. "And I want it done RIGHT NOW!" He actually wrote the order for a STAT shampoo.

I reiterated that there's no such thing as a STAT shampoo, and even if there was it would have to wait until my colleague returned.

"If you don't do the shampoo right NOW, I'm going to call a code," he said. And did.

The entire code team descended on the MICU, including the guy's resident and Fellow. The last I saw of him, he was being escorted off the unit by his superiors and I could hear one of them telling him, "I didn't know (insert name of Medical School) let complete idiots graduate . . . "