Depressed about a job offer

[richardgecko]

Yeah, you heard me right. I got offered a job and I can feel myself sinking into depression because of it.

Im married with 1 kid, my husband works nights and I work days full time. I've been a nurse a little over a year or so, and I was blessed enough to walk into a day shift job in an ICU for my first job.

the only problem is that my unit is in shambles. There's a lot to be learned there but we've had a high turnover rate due to consistent mismanagement. We're currently in the process of a management change. We've lost over half of our staff in the last 6 mos. my orientation was piss poor, and because I spoke out about it to my director, I've been a walking target ever since. Lots of lateral violence in this area.

oh, and when I tried to transfer out, my manager (who happens to be besties with the HR recruiter) saw to it that my application was never sent out to any other managers who wanted to hire me.

so I started looking elsewhere. I got three interviews in one week, I went on one yesterday and I got an offer this AM.

i want this job so bad I can taste it. 7 mins from home in a high acuity CTICU. so much to learn. And a 5 dollar pay raise.

but it's night shift, so if I take it, my husband has to quit his job, making me the sole breadwinner, and we can't afford that.

when I mentioned it to him, he responded in the most smug way: "Well I can just quit my job. And you can pay all of the bills." *pops beer can, sips, walks away*

he knows I can't afford all of the bills myself. And he knows how miserable I've been at my current job.

Sometimes I just get tired of sacrificing my needs for others. I hate this "stuck" feeling. I already stayed in this city away from family to be with him. Now I have to endure a miserable work environment for at least another 6 months until he graduates and finds another job because all of his classes are in the daytime. I just get sooooo tired of having to put myself on hold for everyone else. I give to my patients, I give to my child, and I give to my husband and at the end of the day I feel like I don't have anything left of me FOR ME when it's over.

I left that interview knowing I got the job and it made me sick to my stomach. Because I knew it was Just another opportunity I'm going to have to walk away from because of someone else. hearing that job offer in my voicemail brought literal tears to my eyes because I know I have to decline. I haven't been able to get out of bed all day. I am crushed.

[Farawyn]

This is not just about the job. Ugh. Tell hubby if you are the sole breadwinner he can't afford his beer.

Do you have someone to talk to in real life?

[bugya90, ASN, BSN, LVN, RN]

This sounds more about the hubby than the job. You two are supposed to be a team and he needs to do his part. You both need to sit down and work this out. You may not be able to go to nights right now and may have to turn down this particular job but yall need to discuss it and work out a plan and an end goal. Making a snide remark and walking away is not effective communication.

[caliotter3]

He can get a job in the daytime and take online courses or courses at night or on the weekend. If that does not work for him, he can WAIT to finish his degree. Those are just a few of the sacrifices he could make if he wanted to do his part. If you don't take this job you will be very sorry. And it sounds as if you should/might be considering doing it all on your own anyway as there are problems here that are deeper than inconvenience for your husband. Remember the advice columnist famous question: "Am I better off with him or without him?" If you went on your own at least you wouldn't come home to negativity after every workday. Think about it.

[HouTx, BSN, MSN, EdD]

Marriage is a team effort. It's never 50-50. Sometimes it's 80-20 & then flips the other way. No job should take precedence over family commitment. Jobs will come and go.

If OP's unit is once again undergoing a management change, it may be a good idea to give the new manager a chance.

[ThatBigGuy]

Let's look at this from his perspective. He's working his buns off on nights, and going to school during the day, all while being a husband and a father. Then you tell him you have a job offer for nights. It's clear that his night job is secondary to his schooling, so in order for the child to be taken care of, the obvious choice is for the night job to go. He's putting in what appears to be a Herculean effort to provide for the family, and you want to throw a wrench in the gears. Perhaps it's to his credit that his only reaction was a "smug" remark?

Could your husband be a complete anal sphincter? Maybe. Might you be a whiny, emotional child? Maybe. It sounds like your marriage needs some guidance and support, in any event. I would wholeheartedly and sincerely advise you and your husband to set up a family meeting. Try to figure out what is going on, you're both adults and should be able to put away the emotions for 30 minutes. Perhaps you two have a spiritual adviser or a wise friend you both can seek some counsel from? Maybe counseling would be an option. Perhaps you guys simply need a vacation? In any event, there needs to be a bit more communication in your life, at least from looking through this tiny window you've posted about.

Ignoring all the emotional issues, here's some practical thoughts. You and your husband need to sit down a few nights this week and put a budget on paper. Perhaps you can live on one income if you cut back on the lifestyle? Cutting out the mani-pedis, Starbucks, golfing trips, and the classic car project for 6 months might free up enough cash. Maybe sell a motorcycle and some jewelry to create the extra income to power through?

If you can't make it work on one income, then you'll probably need to suck it up until your husband is finished with his schooling in 6 months. Your husband's education needs to be the priority because it solves many of these logistical and financial issues you're facing, assuming, of course, he's pursuing an education in something that makes him employable and generates a steady income. Once he gets a job in his field of study, that frees you up to pursue a day job or a night job, and let's you choose your place of employment. However, for the next 6 months, you don't have the option of working nights because your family simply can't afford it.

Now put the computer away and go talk to your husband. We are anonymous strangers who don't have a clue what's actually going on, and our advice is probably terrible. Seek some wise counsel from an in-real-life person. Create a list of priorities (marriage, communication, your employment satisfaction, his education, income, child) and determine which are the most important, then use this list to help guide you through the next 6 months.

[nyc2011]

Why does your husband have to quit? I don't understand that part

[caliotter3]

Why does your husband have to quit? I don't understand that part

If both are working at night, there will not be someone at home to be with the child.

[llg, PhD, RN]

Now put the computer away and go talk to your husband. We are anonymous strangers who don't have a clue what's actually going on, and our advice is probably terrible. Seek some wise counsel from an in-real-life person. Create a list of priorities (marriage, communication, your employment satisfaction, his education, income, child) and determine which are the most important, then use this list to help guide you through the next 6 months.

Great post, ThatBigGuy. I appreciate all you added to the discussion.

[CT Pixie, BSN, RN]

So, you've been a nurse a little over a year, with 1 child and a husband.

He's going to school in the daytime and working at night. Doesn't sound like he's a slacker wanting to just live off of you.

I'm going to assume you were in nursing school (for all or a portion of your schooling) when you were married. At that time was it not him who supported you and what you wanted? I'm sure he made some sacrafices during that time. He put his life on hold so you could go to school. Did he tell you to quit your job or put school on hold? Now, its his time to need you to support him. He shouldn't have to be expected to quit his job or put school on hold because you want this new job.

I think its a little unrealistic to expect him to change everything 6 months before he graduates because you don't like your current job.

[Here.I.Stand, BSN, RN]

Any chance that with the pay raise and two incomes, you'd be able to budget for a night nanny? I did some initial research a while back because we were thinking about getting one (we both work and don't have paid daycare). I can't see where you're from, but where I am in a large Midwestern metro area, the going rate for a live-out nanny is $12-$18 per hour. Pretty reasonable for 1:1 childcare, I think.

And then get on the day shift wait list asap?

Or, see if they'd hire you as a per diem or part-time? That might be a long shot, but the worst they could say is no. But if they did, you might be able to coordinate with your husband's schedule.

[Lev, MSN, RN, NP]

Think about it...a 5 dollar pay raise, shift differential, plus less travel time/gas money...maybe your husband can quit his job...or at least cut back on hours. I'm sure there is something you can cut back on in addition. This can work.