I feel like the biggest failure. I worked so hard to get my BSN. Racked up so much debt. Put in all the time. Passed the NCLEX. Started looking for a job, put in applications, and the first job I applied for called me back. I got an interview and was hired. I was on cloud nine. I couldn't believe it. I thought, "this is it". This is my niche. I'm excited and ready. I was lucky enough to achieve exactly what I wanted. At least, that's what I thought. It's been 4 weeks and I can't even begin to describe how I'm feeling. Anxious, terrified, disappointed, depressed...it's the worst I've ever felt. I realized I can't do hospital nursing. Now, please don't yell at me and ask what in the world I thought nursing was. I know. I also know the anxiety and feeling incompetent for the first year is normal, too. Everyone goes through it. You're still learning. I get it. I was so excited my first 2 days. The more I learned, though, the worse it got. By the second week, I was crying on and off throughout the day, especially when headed in to work. I stopped eating because my stomach can't hold much more than a granola bar or piece of toast. I've lost 13 pounds. I have trouble sleeping. I feel sick constantly. There is no relief. On my days off, I'm thinking about having to go back and every fiber of my being is screaming and begging me not to. I'm trying so hard because everyone says it's normal. I'll be okay. I just have to get through it. I really want to be able to work in a hospital. That's been my goal. I never considered not being able to handle it. Maybe that makes me stupid, and I definitely feel like an idiot. I'm so embarrassed. I just want to be okay. It took me a while to find nursing. I don't have anything else, so it's not like I can fall back on another degree. I've never known what I wanted to do and was always scared I wouldn't be able to take care of myself as an adult. My floor isn't very acute. We don't even have IV's. I'm still struggling with the stress and pace of the unit. I've talked to my manager. I've talked with coworkers, who have all been very supportive, which makes me feel worse. I don't want to leave. I know finding another job after this will be that much harder, especially outside the hospital. I know those are more for experienced nurses. I'm so defeated. I feel stuck. I don't want to give up nursing. I'm scared to quit because of how it will look. I just really don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to ask if anyone else realized nursing wasn't for them, but since this is a website for nurses, the answer is probably no.
