Dealing with a sick loved one or death while in school?

MammaNurse2Be · Aug 25, 2011

So sorry you are going through this. I am too. My mom lives out of state and is not in good health either. She has almost died several times with the last having an ischemic attack in her gut and she has an ostomy bag. She weighs maybe 85 lbs and now has been told she has spinal stenosis and has to have major surgery so she doesn't get paralyzed or have further bowel issues. We have had a second opinion one from a trusted dr and both agree on the surgery being imperative. Along with that she has kidney disease and high bp. So, here is how I have wrapped my head around it. I love her terribly. I even had her live with me for 2 years and lost two pregnancies at that time. I did all I could for her yet I know I cannot control what ultimately happens. I had to remove that level of guilt. I'll type or 2 in a second.....

dee78 · Aug 25, 2011

During first semester of LPN school my dad was diagnosed with melanoma, thankfully it hadn't spread and surgery removed it all.

Then right at finals of my last semester, my SM went into the hospital with pneumonia. She had a stroke in 2006 and has CHF. She was in the hospital the entire week before finals. I brought my books/laptop with me to the hospital and studied when it was my turn to stay with her. She missed my graduation.

I know that all of my family supports my education and they would not want me to put that on hold for them. I am sure that your mom would feel the same way.

FLDoula · Aug 25, 2011

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's ok to be a bit resentful with her for this. It's very conflicting. My husband is a smoker and it makes me angry that he does this to himself, me, the kids...and our finances. I've recently become very vocal about it seeing as I had to give up my seat for financial reasons until Spring.

I'm also concerned about my father's health during the time I'm in school. He's in another state and was diagnosed with Alzheimers last year. He's going downhill fast. My Aunt was also diagnosed about the same time and my mother is one of her caregivers. I guess this is what they mean about "life happens" when we are in school. I lost my other Aunt in May and my FIL just last Thursday. My MIL is in OH alone....and 89 years old and not in good health.

My honest opinion? Don't give up your seat. It WILL work out however it's supposed to. My family wants me to continue my education and I'm sure your mom feels the same. Hang in the there!

ImThatGuy, BSN, RN · Aug 25, 2011

Dealing with someone's death is a weight. My father died last September with no known health problems. Mom went home for lunch and found him dead in his recliner as an apparent result of a medication he'd been prescribed for a congestion and associated headache. He was 57.

He died on a Thursday, I missed school Friday, and I was back Monday. One of the things that really ticks me off in regards to school is that I emailed my teacher and told her what happened. She said it would be considered an excused absence and when I went back Monday I still couldn't make up the quiz they had taken the day that I missed. I never actually got over that or liked her afterwards.

My life changed a lot in the couple of months leading up to that event, and it changed even more afterwards. With some of the other stressors I had prior to that event, and there were many, along with his death, and stressors afterwards I actually developed PVC's and a very angry outlook towards school and life in general. I can't tell you how to cope with anything, but I can tell you that you can survive with perserverance. It isn't always pleasant, and it's definitely not fun.

MammaNurse2Be · Aug 25, 2011

Sorry for the delay! Was at soccer practice with kids and trying to type on the iphone so excuse the run on paragraph...

As I was saying, had to let go of guilt that I was somehow going to make her all better if I was there with her the whole time trying to make it all right. Not saying you feel like that. Just I did and felt that I wasn't entitled to happiness while she was suffering. That last time she almost died, I had been in ICU with her non-stop as I couldn't even leave her side for fear she would die. I kind of had this letting go with it all. My picture in my head reminded me as if I were in this life raft and she was drowning. I had my hand over the side doing all I could to pull her in the raft but never could get her over the edge. I let her hand go and watched her slip under. I cried so much that day. But, what I did was realize that I had to go on and that this very well could be her time to go. It was very sad. I totally turned her over to the Lord and prayed for His Will to be done and I prayed that I would be able to walk whatever road he wanted. since I have been living this way, life has been going so much better for me stress wise.

My mom did recover and has lived better than I ever thought possible but she is still always one little thing away from ICU.

With this most recent issue, I told her that I place my trust in God to see us through. No matter what happens. I'll let him worry about the details and I know He will give me strength to cope with what I need to when the time comes. She knows I cannot leave school right now. So, my brother will have to stand in for me and finally step up to the plate. With that perspective, i no longer worry what will come my way because I KNOW for a FACT that He will give me strength.

I pray He gives you strength too. Sorry for the ramble...but this has been on my mind lately too. Best of luck to you!

windmill182 · Aug 25, 2011

Thank You all for sharing a little bit of your experience with this type of thing. From what I hear, Nursing School is hard, and adding something tragic like the illness of a loved one cannot make it easier. Yet, we have to persevere, right? I know my mom wouldn't want me to put my life on hold for her. Its just such a conflicting feeling. Especially when you are dealing with someone who is fighting addiction because there really is so much you can do for them. You know if they would just make better decisions, then things could get better. But they have to want that...

I guess...my ultimate fear is that I will feel guilty if I lose her. Also afraid of what losing a parent will do to me menatlly. I need to nip these thoughts right in the behind though and deal with that when that time arrives. As FLDoula stated, "life happens."

MammaNurse2be I really appreciate you taking the time to share your story and thoughts. It shows you really care becaudr you came back after soccer practice to continue. I will definitely pray for stregnth and not let this ruin something I have worked so hard for!!

Its pretty cool how complete strangers can help you see things in a better light.

zbb13 · Aug 25, 2011

I feel so bad for you. I don't think you should put your life on hold, although it is important to be there as much as you can for your Mom. Unfortunately, she is suffering terribly from her choices. I don't think you should feel guilty, because ultimately if you succeed in nursing school and in making the most of yourself, then your Mom has achieved something very positive in this world--a successful daughter who has made her career goal to help others. It is to her benefit.

Best of luck.

nursegirl75 · Aug 25, 2011

I'm so sorry for what your going through. My cousin actually passed away at the beginning of nursing school. I flew back home to be with my family and was also thinking about giving up my spot. But with the support of my family and friends, I stayed and finished nursing school. I was lucky to be surrounded by good friends who helped me through it all. Talk to someone about it because your co-horts will be there for you. Be strong. You will make it through it.