Could use some advice or a listening ear...new RN, newly abusive husband

[seekinganonymity]

Okay... I've known my husband nearly 4 years, been married for 8 months. In that time I didn't see anything that would make me think things would turn out the way they have. We talked about everything, he truly seemed to care what I thought, wanted, and needed, and I finally felt like I actually had a partner in life, someone who was on the same page. (I was married once before, for 10 years, to a man who was an alcoholic and emotionally and verbally abusive.) We never really argued, just talked through disagreements. He never treated me badly. We met in nursing school. He was one semester behind me at that time. Life happened and he had to push graduation from our BSN program back 3 semesters. I was injured and had surgery and had to push mine back one semester.

I just graduated in May. I received 3 job offers and chose to start in the ER. As graduation neared, he became distant and moody. I thought maybe it was because he would have been graduating then had there not been life issues, or that I'd accepted what he considers his ultimate dream - ER. Having gone through hell and back trying to get my degree in the first place, I wanted to celebrate, and it is only natural I'd want to celebrate that with my husband. I ended up feeling like I was celebrating alone, because whenever I'd make a comment about graduation or starting my new job he'd become irritated or angry.

The first week of orientation, he drank every night. He said he just needed to forget that he should have been graduating then too. The second week, he told me he wanted a divorce, said some extremely hurtful and cruel things to me, attacking every aspect of my life that I consider important. He then disappeared for a few days and was out of contact. He came back and was acting as though everything was okay. I was confused but let it go, thinking he was just having a harder time with not graduating than either of us had anticipated.

The beginning of my fourth week, the day I found out I passed the NCLEX, he was drinking and we got into a very heated argument. Before things got very far, I told him that we just needed to stop for the night and could discuss things when he was sober. I walked into the kitchen and the next thing I know I'm laid out on the ground. As I was trying to get my head together and figure out what happened on the floor, he was screaming at me to get up. He came up behind me, spun me around and hit me on the back of the head. I ended up with a bruise on the back of my neck and bruises to my elbows and knees from when I hit the ground. He went and stayed with his parents for a few days. He made all sorts of promises, told me he had bipolar disorder (news to me), said he'd get treatment, that he'd stop drinking... Stupidly, I believed him.

Three weeks later he was drinking again. I didn't realize it right away because I'd just come home from work and he can have a lot without seeming drunk at all. He started talking to me about what had happened a few weeks prior, saying he was sorry, etc. I'm not sure what happened, maybe it was because it was my turn to say what I was thinking and feeling...but the next thing I know he's screaming at me to shut up. I was shocked, the only other time he'd ever raised his voice at me was the incident a few weeks prior. I said it wasn't fair to ask me what I think only to tell me to shut up, and he decided that the best way to get me to stop talking was to go after the dog. He had his hands around his throat and told me if I didn't stop, he'd kill him. I of course was very upset and was trying to get him away from the dog. Next thing I know he's choking me. I don't know what made him let go, but he got up and started walking towards the dog again. I tried to intervene and he shoved me hard enough to send me back several feet and down on the ground. This happened a few times. He then called his mom and told her to come get him, that things had become violent. (Apparently they knew about the bipolar disorder and he'd had one other incident several years back, though from what they say it wasn't as severe.)

He came to get some things a week later. It was early in the morning, right after I'd come home from work. He was again very apologetic, he'd gone to see a therapist and a doctor to find out what medications he needed, was working on a treatment plan, said he'd started Antibuse and had gone to a few AA meetings. Again we were talking, again he'd asked me to respond to something, again I started to and he decided he "wanted me to shut up" again. More choking, more shoving... This time he was kicking me when I was down on the floor. I was begging him to stop but he didn't. When I finally was able to stand up, he walked up to me and said, "There, try to hide THIS" and backhanded me on the cheek.

I ended up needing to go to the ER/prompt care to be seen. MY ER. I had bruised ribs and lots of bruises and pain from being kicked and falling after being shoved, along with bruises to my neck and face. I spoke with the social worker, who gave me some good resources. His parents gave me the keys and the garage door opener and assured me he had no way to get into the house. The doctor I saw told me I needed probably a week to recover before returning to work. Unfortunately probation is many months, you can't miss a single day. The social worker had one of the nurse managers come in to talk to me, and she said not to worry, they'd work with me, just do what I had to do to recover and we'd go from there. I'll say right now I did NOT file police reports. Yes, I realize I should have, but I didn't. I can't change that now.

I ended up missing 4 shifts. When I came back last week for my first shift since, I still had very visible bruising to my face and neck. I went about things as though nothing was wrong. I was so relieved and happy to be back at work! I was able to focus on taking care of my patients rather than what was going on elsewhere in my life. About 30 minutes before the end of my shift, the head nurse manager called me in to talk to me. I'd sent him an email to give a brief outline of what was going on, to make sure he knew and communication was in place, so I figured he wanted to touch base with me.

No, the meeting was to let me go. He said my performance was impeccable, my documentation was flawless, and that I'm "phenomenal" with patients, but he was worried that because I was under such intense stress that it could end up endangering me or my patients because our ER is very high stress. It was one of the most devastating things I've ever had to hear in my life. That said, I do understand why he did what he did. It always comes down to patient safety. He told me I would be listed as eligible for rehire and he hoped I'd contact him once things had calmed down because he would like to rehire me at that time. I've since spoken with him and the RN recruiter and they've both said the same thing, listing the time frame as 4-6 months before they'd rehire me.

Which brings me to today... I can't be without a job. I can't go too long without working in nursing. I don't want to become an "old new grad" which I understand has it's own issues. I don't know what to do right now. I don't know how to address the 2 months I worked for that hospital (on orientation with a preceptor). Do I list it? Do I not list it? I asked my former manager and the RN recruiter and neither addressed that question. I'm not sure what the right thing to do there is. Right now I don't even know how to pursue divorce. I have no job, no income, very little money in the bank and tons of bills coming in... I'm unfortunately somewhat dependent on my husband because of my lack of income. I don't have any family or friends in the area who can help. If I *don't* list that hospital, how do I address the gap between graduation and current applications? If I do, I may not get any interviews because my former hospital may tell them things are too tumultuous in my life right now for me to provide safe patient care. I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place...

Thanks for listening... I'd appreciate any advice you have to offer.

[KareBear0609]

I haven't read the other post, so I apologize if I repeat anything.

First, please *BE CAREFUL* what you post on here. Be careful how much information you give. You never know what he is doing. Stalkers/abusers are clever.

Also, I grew up in a abusive household. I was never abused myself, but my mom was with several different men growing up who abused her. I will never forget my childhood and would give anything to go back and be able to change it. I saw my mom suffer and run out of the house many nights down the street in bare feet. It was terrible. PLEASE, PLEASE do this for your kids. I know you said they didn't see any of it - but if you stay with this man, they will sooner or later.

PLEASE get away. You will get through this. He obviously has control issues. He can't control the job you get, he can't control your education so he is trying to control what he can - your health and safety. Don't let him do that. PLEASE.

[cherrybreeze, ADN, RN]

looking at it from the employers view......picture the scenario of the belligerent abusive husband bringing his show "on the road" to her place of employment....how many of her fellow workers would be dead? and the law suits that would have followed when it got out that management was aware....

"Picturing" it is NOT enough to fire someone, I'm sorry. There has been NO evidence that her performance suffered, and that's all that matters. If that's the case, you could spin a hundred hypotheticals about ANYONE to have a reason to fire them. It's just not OK.

[seekinganonymity]

No answer still when I call my parents. I sent them an email outlining everything and left them a message to check their email. I wanted to make sure I covered everything and right now I'm just feeling a bit scattered. I'll keep you posted...

[rita359]

Get out!! Go , do not look back. This will be a recurring cycle if you do not. Even so it may be hard to get him permanently out of your life.

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

Seeking,

I understand that you are scattered and are in a fog. If you break everything down to the least common denominator, you have just been stripped of everything that you trusted. Who WOULDN'T be scattered?!?!

Are your parents typically very difficult to get in touch with? This seems like the third time you have tried to contact them. Is your brother on board and knows what is going on? Can you go to him?

Have you started packing and organizing? Until you hear from your parents, this would be something that you can do to make the move as easy as possible. Get some boxes from Walmart (they break down their cardboard boxes daily, and you can go to customer service to ask for boxes) and then buy a few newspapers and start packing up the kitchen. Move systematically through the house and label things so that you can make life easier on yourself (only do this if you have the time to...right now safety is your main priority). However, I understand the feeling of 'being scattered' because you have an overwhelming job in front of you to move. Break down this task in small bites-room by room-so that it won't be so overwhelming. Go through your closet now and throw out what you don't need/haven't worn in 2 years. Put that stack in a trash bag and load it in your car to take to Goodwill. The less you have to move, the better off you are.

Take the pictures down off the walls and stack them. Wrap up the candlesticks, the decor, etc. Take down the curtains, pack up the linens. Use trash bags if you have nothing else to pack in. Pack up your bathroom stuff and put it in a laundry basket.

Make a 'staging area' out of your living/dining room. If you live in a two level house, start taking things down to the staging area. Empty your dresser drawers, pack the contents up and take the empty drawers down to the staging area. This will make moving furniture so much easier.

Pull all of the blinds down in every window and turn the slats upward. This way, if someone (like the douche) wants to look in the window, all they can see is the ceiling.

I must include a caveat to all of this advice: only start packing up and moving things to your staging area if you KNOW that your husband cannot gain entry into the house. If he somehow gets into the house, he will see that you are leaving, and all hell will break loose-which is exactly what you want to avoid.

Please keep us posted. We are all worried about you.

This should keep your mind busy for a while, and you will be effectively taking steps to start your new life. I know it is hard, honey. Remember that this door is closing, but inevitably another will open.

[finallyfound10]

(((seekinganonymity)))

I have experienced verbal and emotional abuse in a dating relationship when I was in my early 30's so I can empathize with you a little.

First, he isn't going to change. I know that he may have Bipolar and may become consistent with meds, he may become more stable but historically people with the condition do not have many successful relationships-in particular romantic ones.

For sure, get in touch with your local domestic violence organization. They are a wealth of information and will have resources you never even thought of!!

May God Bless you!!! You WILL survive and thrive!!!

[Jenni811, RN]

I think a job should be the least of your worries right now. And your main concern would be getting you (and your pets/children if you have any) out of that situation.

You have been given numbers on here, so im not going to restate them, but take that advice.

If you were working in the ER and a patient came in with the same situation you were in, what would you, as a nurse, tell that patient??

[morte, LPN, LVN]

"Picturing" it is NOT enough to fire someone, I'm sorry. There has been NO evidence that her performance suffered, and that's all that matters. If that's the case, you could spin a hundred hypotheticals about ANYONE to have a reason to fire them. It's just not OK.

how would your family feel if you were one of the dead coworkers?

[anotherone, BSN, RN]

They fired you because of "personal problems" that led to you missing a few days of work? (i read your post pretty fast, will re read later). What if you had been assualted on the street and had similar injuries/time off? I am sure plenty of nurses where you work have personal problems. Seems like a sketchy reason to fire someone unless it was affecting your work other than missing a few days.

[mazy]

Thank you everyone... I went to my ER because I didn't know what else to do. I knew I wasn't going to be able to work and I knew they would be able to get me in touch with the social worker and other resources. I told my boss the basics because obviously I was going to miss a few days and thought that if I was honest and let them know I was taking steps to correct the situation, they might work with me. Obviously I was wrong. I can't change any of that now. All I can do is move forward.

I have not yet told my parents. It's a long story as to why, but that said, I'm thinking of calling them again tomorrow (no answer today) and telling them what's been going on and seeing if my dad and brother can come help me get the house packed up this weekend. The lease and all bills except the electric are in his name. I was considering calling the landlord to let him know that I was moving out to be safe but I'm not sure if I should do that or not. The phones are in his name though, I'd like to keep my number if possible but not sure I can do it without him granting permission.

I thought maybe if I could get my stuff out of here, I could put it in storage and stay with my parents until I find another job. During that time then I can pursue divorce and do everything else I need to do to be safe. The kids are with my ex for the next 2 weeks so I have nowhere to be until then.

There is something about being in the middle of situations such as this that leaves one in a mental and emotional fog. Sharing my story here has cleared some of the fog and I feel much more prepared and determined to act. Again, thank you.

So good to hear that you are moving forward, it is very, very difficult to do. I was also in an abusive relationship. Please make sure you take someone with you when you get your stuff cleared out of the apartment -- usually the police can provide you with an escort. As others have mentioned, that is the most dangerous moment in an abusive relationship.

And it occurs to me as I read your story that your husband actually accomplished what he set out to do -- he was jealous of your success and he got you dismissed from your job and has put your professional future in jeopardy.

Also, I think that when the hospital refers to patient safety, there may be a concern that your husband will show up with a weapon at your work looking for you and end up killing someone.

It might be a good idea, once you are safe, to consider going somewhere else, but for the moment the present is all that matters. Be safe now, worry about the future later.

Hopefully, once you are safe you can follow up with a report to the BON about your husband's behavior, but it doesn't sound like he's going to make it through school anyway, with all the drinking and reported abuse, so that can wait.

But it can't be said enough, right now just focus on your safety. You are not alone out there, it might seem like it now, but you are among friends. Please let us know how this works out.

[rnsrgr8t]

I was reading the OP initial post and the thing that has me even more apalled than her husband's behavior is the behavior of her manager/hospital! I was reading this at work and showed it to my coworker and she was stunned! What has happened to the nursing profession when one of our own is brutally beaten by her husband and she gets fired!!!! I AM APPALLED! Her manager did not even try to disguise the reason for her firing either. Basically, there must be something wrong with you because you are being abused so goodbye!!! OHHHH it makes me SO angry!!! I know there have been some postings about needing to protect her coworkers...it is an ER for crying out loud, they are at risk EVERY day and their abused employee does not put them anymore at risk than the next psychiatric patient off their meds/drug abuser/alcholic patient that could come through the door (and PLEASE do not reply back to me about how I am labeling people with these diagnoses, you KNOW where I am coming from). If they are worried about her safety in the ER, then let her go to another place in the hospital. Acutally, because of the amount of security that most ER's have, it is probably the safest place for her to be. All they would have to do is have a picture of him and they would know who he was as soon as he came in the door and security could handle it.

To the original poster, my heart goes out to you. You have received a lot of good advice from everyone here (more than your coworkers who KNOW you, sheesh). Forget about packing, forget your parents or your brother. Forget your car for now. Google the local woman's shelter in your area, call a cab and go there, NOW!!!!!. For their safety, I would leave your parents out of this for now. Your ex husband is going to know that you are going to call them first. The shelter HAS resources to help you seek unemployement, get a restraining order, help you get your belongings safely etc. I am SURE they can probably help you with your dog as well. If all the bills are in HIS name, I would not worry one iota about them. They became HIS responsibility when he beat you. If your name is not on them, all the better. It will not show up on your credit when they go into default. PLEASE get into safety as soon as you can. Not only is he an abuser, he is mentally unstable if he really is bipolar. That makes him doubly dangerous and even MORE apt to become increasingly volatile and do something horrific like you hear about on TV. Have the shelter call your kids and their Dad to let them know where you are and that you are safe. As well as your family. PLEASE keep us updated so we know you are ok.

Once the dust settles and your life is a little more in order, I would DEFINITELY talk to an attorney about a wrongful termination suit. How heartless can you be? It can actually be said they put you in even MORE danger by taking away your income and by being stupid enough to tell you the abuse was the reason you were fired, not your performance. I cannot believe you have a union and the are AGREEING with them. So much for the unions make us stronger!

Know that my prayers are with you and hopefully this will all work out!

God Bless!

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

so good to hear that you are moving forward, it is very, very difficult to do. i was also in an abusive relationship. please make sure you take someone with you when you get your stuff cleared out of the apartment -- usually the police can provide you with an escort. as others have mentioned, that is the most dangerous moment in an abusive relationship.

yes-she should absolutely have someone with her, and a police escort would be the best avenue to approach this most dangerous time.

and it occurs to me as i read your story that your husband actually accomplished what he set out to do -- he was jealous of your success and he got you dismissed from your job and has put your professional future in jeopardy.

kinda telling about his nature, eh?

also, i think that when the hospital refers to patient safety, there may be a concern that your husband will show up with a weapon at your work looking for you and end up killing someone.

a hundred years ago, i was also in this situation. i was given 'the talk' from my supervisor. he stated that the constant calls to my workplace was very unnerving to the other employees. he didn't fire me, but he made it clear that this was my problem and didn't have a whole lot of sympathy for me. his main concern was hurting the image of the company. ok, granted, i understood that. but the whole time he was giving me the schpiel, i was flabbergasted thinking, 'i didn't ask for this, you jackwagon!' i resigned shortly thereafter, because my mom became ill, and she was my first priority. when i told her what was going on, she said to me, "honey, we have some land, and your dad has a shovel. we could put both to good use!"

it might be a good idea, once you are safe, to consider going somewhere else, but for the moment the present is all that matters. be safe now, worry about the future later.

yes, i agree. i know that the op is putting the gears in motion to make this happen.

hopefully, once you are safe you can follow up with a report to the bon about your husband's behavior, but it doesn't sound like he's going to make it through school anyway, with all the drinking and reported abuse, so that can wait.

i am hopeful that the op is not considering the jackwagon at all at this point. people like him have a way of hanging themselves because they certainly have enough rope to do it with. she has been blindsided by all of this, and should concentrate on what she can do to get out of this situation. she is clearly doing that, although it has proven to be difficult for her because she has just had two huge safety nets removed from beneath her. i agree, that can wait.

but it can't be said enough, right now just focus on your safety. you are not alone out there, it might seem like it now, but you are among friends. please let us know how this works out.

being a victim of domestic abuse is immeasurably hard on so many levels. it can be insipidus. first you are slowly isolated from family/friends with the explanation of 'i just want more time with you. ya know...alone.' then there is the 'what are you doing at x time, who were you talking to on the phone just then, why did you take so long at the grocery store', etc. then comes the jealousy when celebration should be in order. that is usually followed by accusations of the spouse not being very supportive of the abuser's needs. i have been there, i have experienced it, and have come out the other side...miraculously.

we all have our angels. friends and family come out of the woodwork to help; usually when you least expect it. after my mom passed, several of her friends were immediately at my side asking what they could do to help. i am not talking about making meals for the family, or offering to walk the dog. i mean they wanted to help. they asked me if they could assist me at the funeral home to make decisions about her cremation, they wanted to help to clear out her closet and box up the things that were sentimental to me, they asked if they could arrange the donation account for her memorial, and asked if they could contact extended family members with the news of her death. granted, mom was a scientist and most of her life-long friends were other scientists that were task oriented with an objective and a goal in mind. i can't tell you how much that helped.

right now, i think the op needs task oriented goals to get her through this. she already has stated that she is not considering the husband. that ship has sailed, and hopefully has run aground at low tide. although it never hurts to hear it over and over, i believe she understands that she is in a dangerous situation. the biggest issue in her mind (and correct me if i am wrong, op) is that she has this looming task of moving, separating herself from a man that she trusted and loved-which is completely crippling-moving her kids, going back to square one by living with her parents (which is the safest choice, no doubt, but it takes away so much of the effort she put in to making her own success in her own life to her own merits), trying to find her financial 'sea legs', worrying about the cost and hassle of a divorce, and then trying to find a job in a place that is in the middle of nowhere. all of this without having counseling and being allowed to grieve for the abominable loss that she has suffered on many fronts. daunting? hell, i think this situation is the very definition of daunting!

op, know that you can get through this. i realize that i sound like a broken record, but you can. the next chapter of your life will be one with gifts that you can't even begin to fathom. it is pointless for me to speak of this now, as you have so many issues to resolve.

however, i must give you some words of encouragement to get you through this: know that your future will become nice and green again. the sun will shine brighter, the stars will seem more luminous, and the air will smell sweeter. this will come in time, but please have confidence that it is there, and you will experience peace and harmony once again. when you load that last box, feel that you have nothing left to give, and want to collapse on the floor crying, keep this thought in mind. keep your head up and only look forward.