Could use some advice or a listening ear...new RN, newly abusive husband

Published

Okay... I've known my husband nearly 4 years, been married for 8 months. In that time I didn't see anything that would make me think things would turn out the way they have. We talked about everything, he truly seemed to care what I thought, wanted, and needed, and I finally felt like I actually had a partner in life, someone who was on the same page. (I was married once before, for 10 years, to a man who was an alcoholic and emotionally and verbally abusive.) We never really argued, just talked through disagreements. He never treated me badly. We met in nursing school. He was one semester behind me at that time. Life happened and he had to push graduation from our BSN program back 3 semesters. I was injured and had surgery and had to push mine back one semester.

I just graduated in May. I received 3 job offers and chose to start in the ER. As graduation neared, he became distant and moody. I thought maybe it was because he would have been graduating then had there not been life issues, or that I'd accepted what he considers his ultimate dream - ER. Having gone through hell and back trying to get my degree in the first place, I wanted to celebrate, and it is only natural I'd want to celebrate that with my husband. I ended up feeling like I was celebrating alone, because whenever I'd make a comment about graduation or starting my new job he'd become irritated or angry.

The first week of orientation, he drank every night. He said he just needed to forget that he should have been graduating then too. The second week, he told me he wanted a divorce, said some extremely hurtful and cruel things to me, attacking every aspect of my life that I consider important. He then disappeared for a few days and was out of contact. He came back and was acting as though everything was okay. I was confused but let it go, thinking he was just having a harder time with not graduating than either of us had anticipated.

The beginning of my fourth week, the day I found out I passed the NCLEX, he was drinking and we got into a very heated argument. Before things got very far, I told him that we just needed to stop for the night and could discuss things when he was sober. I walked into the kitchen and the next thing I know I'm laid out on the ground. As I was trying to get my head together and figure out what happened on the floor, he was screaming at me to get up. He came up behind me, spun me around and hit me on the back of the head. I ended up with a bruise on the back of my neck and bruises to my elbows and knees from when I hit the ground. He went and stayed with his parents for a few days. He made all sorts of promises, told me he had bipolar disorder (news to me), said he'd get treatment, that he'd stop drinking... Stupidly, I believed him.

Three weeks later he was drinking again. I didn't realize it right away because I'd just come home from work and he can have a lot without seeming drunk at all. He started talking to me about what had happened a few weeks prior, saying he was sorry, etc. I'm not sure what happened, maybe it was because it was my turn to say what I was thinking and feeling...but the next thing I know he's screaming at me to shut up. I was shocked, the only other time he'd ever raised his voice at me was the incident a few weeks prior. I said it wasn't fair to ask me what I think only to tell me to shut up, and he decided that the best way to get me to stop talking was to go after the dog. He had his hands around his throat and told me if I didn't stop, he'd kill him. I of course was very upset and was trying to get him away from the dog. Next thing I know he's choking me. I don't know what made him let go, but he got up and started walking towards the dog again. I tried to intervene and he shoved me hard enough to send me back several feet and down on the ground. This happened a few times. He then called his mom and told her to come get him, that things had become violent. (Apparently they knew about the bipolar disorder and he'd had one other incident several years back, though from what they say it wasn't as severe.)

He came to get some things a week later. It was early in the morning, right after I'd come home from work. He was again very apologetic, he'd gone to see a therapist and a doctor to find out what medications he needed, was working on a treatment plan, said he'd started Antibuse and had gone to a few AA meetings. Again we were talking, again he'd asked me to respond to something, again I started to and he decided he "wanted me to shut up" again. More choking, more shoving... This time he was kicking me when I was down on the floor. I was begging him to stop but he didn't. When I finally was able to stand up, he walked up to me and said, "There, try to hide THIS" and backhanded me on the cheek.

I ended up needing to go to the ER/prompt care to be seen. MY ER. I had bruised ribs and lots of bruises and pain from being kicked and falling after being shoved, along with bruises to my neck and face. I spoke with the social worker, who gave me some good resources. His parents gave me the keys and the garage door opener and assured me he had no way to get into the house. The doctor I saw told me I needed probably a week to recover before returning to work. Unfortunately probation is many months, you can't miss a single day. The social worker had one of the nurse managers come in to talk to me, and she said not to worry, they'd work with me, just do what I had to do to recover and we'd go from there. I'll say right now I did NOT file police reports. Yes, I realize I should have, but I didn't. I can't change that now.

I ended up missing 4 shifts. When I came back last week for my first shift since, I still had very visible bruising to my face and neck. I went about things as though nothing was wrong. I was so relieved and happy to be back at work! I was able to focus on taking care of my patients rather than what was going on elsewhere in my life. About 30 minutes before the end of my shift, the head nurse manager called me in to talk to me. I'd sent him an email to give a brief outline of what was going on, to make sure he knew and communication was in place, so I figured he wanted to touch base with me.

No, the meeting was to let me go. He said my performance was impeccable, my documentation was flawless, and that I'm "phenomenal" with patients, but he was worried that because I was under such intense stress that it could end up endangering me or my patients because our ER is very high stress. It was one of the most devastating things I've ever had to hear in my life. That said, I do understand why he did what he did. It always comes down to patient safety. He told me I would be listed as eligible for rehire and he hoped I'd contact him once things had calmed down because he would like to rehire me at that time. I've since spoken with him and the RN recruiter and they've both said the same thing, listing the time frame as 4-6 months before they'd rehire me.

Which brings me to today... I can't be without a job. I can't go too long without working in nursing. I don't want to become an "old new grad" which I understand has it's own issues. I don't know what to do right now. I don't know how to address the 2 months I worked for that hospital (on orientation with a preceptor). Do I list it? Do I not list it? I asked my former manager and the RN recruiter and neither addressed that question. I'm not sure what the right thing to do there is. Right now I don't even know how to pursue divorce. I have no job, no income, very little money in the bank and tons of bills coming in... I'm unfortunately somewhat dependent on my husband because of my lack of income. I don't have any family or friends in the area who can help. If I *don't* list that hospital, how do I address the gap between graduation and current applications? If I do, I may not get any interviews because my former hospital may tell them things are too tumultuous in my life right now for me to provide safe patient care. I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place...

Thanks for listening... I'd appreciate any advice you have to offer.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in SICU.

You need to get out of that relationship STAT!

regardless of any dependence you have on him, there are programs that can help you with settling down and starting out again.

Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

No one should make you feel that way!

You are of no help to yourself if you are dead!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in OB.

As a practical matter, have you applied for unemployment yet? If not, do so immediately to have something coming in. The domestic abuse hotline should be able to tell you what other resources are available to you.

You said you have no family or friends in the area. Do you have family or friends in another area who could help you relocate? That may be your safest option. Relocating would also give you a perfectly valid reason to list for leaving the other position - had to relocate related to personal situation.

Stay strong, keep reaching out and remember that you have done nothing wrong or to be ashamed of! Please let us know that you continue to be okay.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Trauma Surgical ICU.

What ever you do, please don't feel trapped and think you have to go back to him because YOU DON'T.. As far as applications go, that is up to you but word has a way of getting around. If your friends and family are not in the area, go to them.. An abuser will get you away from the ones you love... go back home and start fresh. You can apply for a license in that state, some states offer a temp license.. Also it is not too late to file charges, the hospital has the records. You may need a protection order.

Please be safe..

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in psych, addictions, hospice, education.

first of all, my heart goes out to you for what you've been through and continue to go through.

please get away from him. if you don't, eventually, without a single doubt, he will kill you! i can't say that strongly enough. do not be alone with him, ever.

move home with your parents or another family member and get them to help you if at all possible. i hope you have family able and willing to help you.

get a job where they live.

contact an abused-women's shelter or services program and see what services they might have.

if there's a law school near you, check to see if there's a legal aid program in it, where students need cases to practice on. they can be quite good.

for future work, tell the employer, when they ask about your lack of a long job, what happened. be honest about it. i don't think your current employer would slam you. i believe they'd just give the dates you worked. that's usually standard operating procedure anyway.

does your current employer have an eap (employee assistance program)? that could give you some options too, if you're still eligible.

best wishes to you...

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Almost all cities have temporary shelters, and a network of places for women to get away. Crisis phone lines generally have these numbers.

My question is why the ER/prompt care (can't see the post right now) didn't report this..... aren't they obligated? The police also have information on getting help. You can refuse to prosecute in some states I think.

At this point- as horrible as it is for you - you are the only one who can help you by seeking out the shelters. :)

I know what it's like to not have friends, or family who can step in- it's hard. But these networks are a whole new support system- with women who have been where you are :)

Best of luck- and get out !! I know it's hard- but it's harder to keep explaining the injuries.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Do you have a union? Because there is NO WAY an employer would be able to dismiss you for that reason here in Canada.

We'd be able to sue them from here to next Sunday for unfair dismissal and that's after the Union is finished with them.

At the very least they should have offered to move you to a less publicly accessible unit for YOUR safety and the patients.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Complex pedi to LTC/SA & now a manager.

You can still file a report with the police, your medical records will show the evidence of the physical trauma.

Call the domestic abuse hotline. They can help you with relocation, resources, and often have access to social workers and counselors to get you back in the work force. They have people who have been there done that and can hold your hand and support you along the way including legal proceedings for divorce and a court order of protection.

Since new grad jobs are tough to find all over the country, I don't think it will necessarily harm you to not list the 2 month orientation. If relocation is an option, that might work out well or you. It's not unheard of for graduates from May 2010 to be still looking for employment.

If you haven't read this article written by a woman who was finally able to walk away: http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/emotional/domestic-abuse-battered-woman

In addition, if you are concerned about your dog, call your local humane society or equivalent. In fact 21 states have laws including animals in orders of protection in domestic violence situations: http://www.animallaw.info/articles/ovusdomesticviolencelaws.htm

You have been through a lot, the assaults, the verbal abuse, having to go to the ED where you worked, and on top of it all losing your job when returning to work after your injuries (in fact I am shocked that your supervisor told you that was the reason they were letting you go and that HR approved it!) You are asking for help, many are here to offer help, suggestions, resources now you just have to say yes to the help. Be safe.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

wow, didn't expect so many replies so fast...

my parents live in a very rural area where there is very, very limited employment for rns or anyone for that matter. even if they didn't, they live over 400 miles from me, and i need to stay in the general area because of my kids. (from my previous husband, and no they have not been around during any of this thankfully as we have 50/50 shared custody. he has not been around them at all since the first incident.)

i don't know why they didn't report it, i thought it had to be reported if acknowledged but to my knowledge it was not as i have not spoken to or been contacted by the police.

i contacted my union and they told me they couldn't do anything because i was still in orientation and on probation (all new employees are on probation for 9 months).

i asked about being allowed to apply for another floor. this is an excerpt from the email i received from the rn recruiter: "i talked to xxx because i was not aware of all of the reasons why he let you go. he said you would definitely be a rehire once your home problems have calmed and you are able to concentrate on your new job and come to work as scheduled. that said, the same reasons he let you go for in the ed would be the same reasons i cannot place you on another unit at this time. i would ask that you contact me in 4-6months and let me know how things are going and i am more than willing to work with you. i totally understand you are not in control of what is going on..."

from what i understand i am no longer eligible for eap because i was let go. income, insurance, everything, gone and/or done as of last week.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

:tinkbll:please stay away from him and don't depend on him for nothing...to me his goal was to make you lose your job because he was jealous that you were able to overcome your obstacles that you encountered while in school. he will never change even if he gets medication he still have the abusive behavior within him. please love yourself more than you love him. the first attack should've been enough but sometimes we do find it our hearts :heartbeat to forgive although we were the victim. the second time was enough and adding the dog into the abuse is so over the top. he will never like the fact that you have your degree and he doesn't. don't ever go back to him...i'm afraid for you ...that maybe he won't stop choking you!!!!!

although i've never experience anything like this....i know it's not right.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

You need out and you need out fast. I'm never one to advocate leaving a marriage, but for this I say, do it.It's only going to get worse from here.

You say you have no friends and family around you- did you relocate from a different state?

PS_ if you confideded in your manager about the going-ons in your family, domestic abuse et al and he did nothing, then that attitude is sucky.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
:tinkbll:please stay away from him and don't depend on him for nothing...to me his goal was to make you lose your job because he was jealous that you were able to overcome your obstacles that you encountered while in school. he will never change even if he gets medication he still have the abusive behavior within him. please love yourself more than you love him. the first attack should've been enough but sometimes we do find it our hearts :heartbeat to forgive although we were the victim. the second time was enough and adding the dog into the abuse is so over the top. he will never like the fact that you have your degree and he doesn't. don't ever go back to him...i'm afraid for you ...that maybe he won't stop choking you!!!!!

although i've never experience anything like this....i know it's not right.

you don't have to experience it to know it's not right-his ego cannot take it. the fact that she graduated and has or had a job.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Join the Discussion