Okay... I've known my husband nearly 4 years, been married for 8 months. In that time I didn't see anything that would make me think things would turn out the way they have. We talked about everything, he truly seemed to care what I thought, wanted, and needed, and I finally felt like I actually had a partner in life, someone who was on the same page. (I was married once before, for 10 years, to a man who was an alcoholic and emotionally and verbally abusive.) We never really argued, just talked through disagreements. He never treated me badly. We met in nursing school. He was one semester behind me at that time. Life happened and he had to push graduation from our BSN program back 3 semesters. I was injured and had surgery and had to push mine back one semester.
I just graduated in May. I received 3 job offers and chose to start in the ER. As graduation neared, he became distant and moody. I thought maybe it was because he would have been graduating then had there not been life issues, or that I'd accepted what he considers his ultimate dream - ER. Having gone through hell and back trying to get my degree in the first place, I wanted to celebrate, and it is only natural I'd want to celebrate that with my husband. I ended up feeling like I was celebrating alone, because whenever I'd make a comment about graduation or starting my new job he'd become irritated or angry.
The first week of orientation, he drank every night. He said he just needed to forget that he should have been graduating then too. The second week, he told me he wanted a divorce, said some extremely hurtful and cruel things to me, attacking every aspect of my life that I consider important. He then disappeared for a few days and was out of contact. He came back and was acting as though everything was okay. I was confused but let it go, thinking he was just having a harder time with not graduating than either of us had anticipated.
The beginning of my fourth week, the day I found out I passed the NCLEX, he was drinking and we got into a very heated argument. Before things got very far, I told him that we just needed to stop for the night and could discuss things when he was sober. I walked into the kitchen and the next thing I know I'm laid out on the ground. As I was trying to get my head together and figure out what happened on the floor, he was screaming at me to get up. He came up behind me, spun me around and hit me on the back of the head. I ended up with a bruise on the back of my neck and bruises to my elbows and knees from when I hit the ground. He went and stayed with his parents for a few days. He made all sorts of promises, told me he had bipolar disorder (news to me), said he'd get treatment, that he'd stop drinking... Stupidly, I believed him.
Three weeks later he was drinking again. I didn't realize it right away because I'd just come home from work and he can have a lot without seeming drunk at all. He started talking to me about what had happened a few weeks prior, saying he was sorry, etc. I'm not sure what happened, maybe it was because it was my turn to say what I was thinking and feeling...but the next thing I know he's screaming at me to shut up. I was shocked, the only other time he'd ever raised his voice at me was the incident a few weeks prior. I said it wasn't fair to ask me what I think only to tell me to shut up, and he decided that the best way to get me to stop talking was to go after the dog. He had his hands around his throat and told me if I didn't stop, he'd kill him. I of course was very upset and was trying to get him away from the dog. Next thing I know he's choking me. I don't know what made him let go, but he got up and started walking towards the dog again. I tried to intervene and he shoved me hard enough to send me back several feet and down on the ground. This happened a few times. He then called his mom and told her to come get him, that things had become violent. (Apparently they knew about the bipolar disorder and he'd had one other incident several years back, though from what they say it wasn't as severe.)
He came to get some things a week later. It was early in the morning, right after I'd come home from work. He was again very apologetic, he'd gone to see a therapist and a doctor to find out what medications he needed, was working on a treatment plan, said he'd started Antibuse and had gone to a few AA meetings. Again we were talking, again he'd asked me to respond to something, again I started to and he decided he "wanted me to shut up" again. More choking, more shoving... This time he was kicking me when I was down on the floor. I was begging him to stop but he didn't. When I finally was able to stand up, he walked up to me and said, "There, try to hide THIS" and backhanded me on the cheek.
I ended up needing to go to the ER/prompt care to be seen. MY ER. I had bruised ribs and lots of bruises and pain from being kicked and falling after being shoved, along with bruises to my neck and face. I spoke with the social worker, who gave me some good resources. His parents gave me the keys and the garage door opener and assured me he had no way to get into the house. The doctor I saw told me I needed probably a week to recover before returning to work. Unfortunately probation is many months, you can't miss a single day. The social worker had one of the nurse managers come in to talk to me, and she said not to worry, they'd work with me, just do what I had to do to recover and we'd go from there. I'll say right now I did NOT file police reports. Yes, I realize I should have, but I didn't. I can't change that now.
I ended up missing 4 shifts. When I came back last week for my first shift since, I still had very visible bruising to my face and neck. I went about things as though nothing was wrong. I was so relieved and happy to be back at work! I was able to focus on taking care of my patients rather than what was going on elsewhere in my life. About 30 minutes before the end of my shift, the head nurse manager called me in to talk to me. I'd sent him an email to give a brief outline of what was going on, to make sure he knew and communication was in place, so I figured he wanted to touch base with me.
No, the meeting was to let me go. He said my performance was impeccable, my documentation was flawless, and that I'm "phenomenal" with patients, but he was worried that because I was under such intense stress that it could end up endangering me or my patients because our ER is very high stress. It was one of the most devastating things I've ever had to hear in my life. That said, I do understand why he did what he did. It always comes down to patient safety. He told me I would be listed as eligible for rehire and he hoped I'd contact him once things had calmed down because he would like to rehire me at that time. I've since spoken with him and the RN recruiter and they've both said the same thing, listing the time frame as 4-6 months before they'd rehire me.
Which brings me to today... I can't be without a job. I can't go too long without working in nursing. I don't want to become an "old new grad" which I understand has it's own issues. I don't know what to do right now. I don't know how to address the 2 months I worked for that hospital (on orientation with a preceptor). Do I list it? Do I not list it? I asked my former manager and the RN recruiter and neither addressed that question. I'm not sure what the right thing to do there is. Right now I don't even know how to pursue divorce. I have no job, no income, very little money in the bank and tons of bills coming in... I'm unfortunately somewhat dependent on my husband because of my lack of income. I don't have any family or friends in the area who can help. If I *don't* list that hospital, how do I address the gap between graduation and current applications? If I do, I may not get any interviews because my former hospital may tell them things are too tumultuous in my life right now for me to provide safe patient care. I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place...
Thanks for listening... I'd appreciate any advice you have to offer.
.thumb.jpg.c7668bfa5410f3ac85642dd9c6980a34.jpg){kind=small}
DizzyLizzyNurse
1,024 Posts
Are you sure it's too late to press charges? GL and remember YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!!!! Do not believe him when he comes crawling back to you and promising to change and that things will be better again. Even working at McD's and having to live in a tiny apt and waiting out the 4-6 months is better than living in fear!
You got through nursing school and passed the NCLEX and work as a NG in an ER! You are a fearless woman and can do ANYTHING and deserve only the BEST!!!!!!!!!