Could use some advice or a listening ear...new RN, newly abusive husband

[seekinganonymity]

Okay... I've known my husband nearly 4 years, been married for 8 months. In that time I didn't see anything that would make me think things would turn out the way they have. We talked about everything, he truly seemed to care what I thought, wanted, and needed, and I finally felt like I actually had a partner in life, someone who was on the same page. (I was married once before, for 10 years, to a man who was an alcoholic and emotionally and verbally abusive.) We never really argued, just talked through disagreements. He never treated me badly. We met in nursing school. He was one semester behind me at that time. Life happened and he had to push graduation from our BSN program back 3 semesters. I was injured and had surgery and had to push mine back one semester.

I just graduated in May. I received 3 job offers and chose to start in the ER. As graduation neared, he became distant and moody. I thought maybe it was because he would have been graduating then had there not been life issues, or that I'd accepted what he considers his ultimate dream - ER. Having gone through hell and back trying to get my degree in the first place, I wanted to celebrate, and it is only natural I'd want to celebrate that with my husband. I ended up feeling like I was celebrating alone, because whenever I'd make a comment about graduation or starting my new job he'd become irritated or angry.

The first week of orientation, he drank every night. He said he just needed to forget that he should have been graduating then too. The second week, he told me he wanted a divorce, said some extremely hurtful and cruel things to me, attacking every aspect of my life that I consider important. He then disappeared for a few days and was out of contact. He came back and was acting as though everything was okay. I was confused but let it go, thinking he was just having a harder time with not graduating than either of us had anticipated.

The beginning of my fourth week, the day I found out I passed the NCLEX, he was drinking and we got into a very heated argument. Before things got very far, I told him that we just needed to stop for the night and could discuss things when he was sober. I walked into the kitchen and the next thing I know I'm laid out on the ground. As I was trying to get my head together and figure out what happened on the floor, he was screaming at me to get up. He came up behind me, spun me around and hit me on the back of the head. I ended up with a bruise on the back of my neck and bruises to my elbows and knees from when I hit the ground. He went and stayed with his parents for a few days. He made all sorts of promises, told me he had bipolar disorder (news to me), said he'd get treatment, that he'd stop drinking... Stupidly, I believed him.

Three weeks later he was drinking again. I didn't realize it right away because I'd just come home from work and he can have a lot without seeming drunk at all. He started talking to me about what had happened a few weeks prior, saying he was sorry, etc. I'm not sure what happened, maybe it was because it was my turn to say what I was thinking and feeling...but the next thing I know he's screaming at me to shut up. I was shocked, the only other time he'd ever raised his voice at me was the incident a few weeks prior. I said it wasn't fair to ask me what I think only to tell me to shut up, and he decided that the best way to get me to stop talking was to go after the dog. He had his hands around his throat and told me if I didn't stop, he'd kill him. I of course was very upset and was trying to get him away from the dog. Next thing I know he's choking me. I don't know what made him let go, but he got up and started walking towards the dog again. I tried to intervene and he shoved me hard enough to send me back several feet and down on the ground. This happened a few times. He then called his mom and told her to come get him, that things had become violent. (Apparently they knew about the bipolar disorder and he'd had one other incident several years back, though from what they say it wasn't as severe.)

He came to get some things a week later. It was early in the morning, right after I'd come home from work. He was again very apologetic, he'd gone to see a therapist and a doctor to find out what medications he needed, was working on a treatment plan, said he'd started Antibuse and had gone to a few AA meetings. Again we were talking, again he'd asked me to respond to something, again I started to and he decided he "wanted me to shut up" again. More choking, more shoving... This time he was kicking me when I was down on the floor. I was begging him to stop but he didn't. When I finally was able to stand up, he walked up to me and said, "There, try to hide THIS" and backhanded me on the cheek.

I ended up needing to go to the ER/prompt care to be seen. MY ER. I had bruised ribs and lots of bruises and pain from being kicked and falling after being shoved, along with bruises to my neck and face. I spoke with the social worker, who gave me some good resources. His parents gave me the keys and the garage door opener and assured me he had no way to get into the house. The doctor I saw told me I needed probably a week to recover before returning to work. Unfortunately probation is many months, you can't miss a single day. The social worker had one of the nurse managers come in to talk to me, and she said not to worry, they'd work with me, just do what I had to do to recover and we'd go from there. I'll say right now I did NOT file police reports. Yes, I realize I should have, but I didn't. I can't change that now.

I ended up missing 4 shifts. When I came back last week for my first shift since, I still had very visible bruising to my face and neck. I went about things as though nothing was wrong. I was so relieved and happy to be back at work! I was able to focus on taking care of my patients rather than what was going on elsewhere in my life. About 30 minutes before the end of my shift, the head nurse manager called me in to talk to me. I'd sent him an email to give a brief outline of what was going on, to make sure he knew and communication was in place, so I figured he wanted to touch base with me.

No, the meeting was to let me go. He said my performance was impeccable, my documentation was flawless, and that I'm "phenomenal" with patients, but he was worried that because I was under such intense stress that it could end up endangering me or my patients because our ER is very high stress. It was one of the most devastating things I've ever had to hear in my life. That said, I do understand why he did what he did. It always comes down to patient safety. He told me I would be listed as eligible for rehire and he hoped I'd contact him once things had calmed down because he would like to rehire me at that time. I've since spoken with him and the RN recruiter and they've both said the same thing, listing the time frame as 4-6 months before they'd rehire me.

Which brings me to today... I can't be without a job. I can't go too long without working in nursing. I don't want to become an "old new grad" which I understand has it's own issues. I don't know what to do right now. I don't know how to address the 2 months I worked for that hospital (on orientation with a preceptor). Do I list it? Do I not list it? I asked my former manager and the RN recruiter and neither addressed that question. I'm not sure what the right thing to do there is. Right now I don't even know how to pursue divorce. I have no job, no income, very little money in the bank and tons of bills coming in... I'm unfortunately somewhat dependent on my husband because of my lack of income. I don't have any family or friends in the area who can help. If I *don't* list that hospital, how do I address the gap between graduation and current applications? If I do, I may not get any interviews because my former hospital may tell them things are too tumultuous in my life right now for me to provide safe patient care. I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place...

Thanks for listening... I'd appreciate any advice you have to offer.

[KalipsoRed]

Addendum:

DON'T EVER, EVER, EVER TRUST YOUR EMPLOYER. Your life is about you...and your kids to a certain extent. You look out for you. Employer's WILL manipulate every possible situation in your life to their benefit...that's only alright when it works out for you too.

It may **** a few nurses off here, but you go to work for the income. Yeah we care about the patients we have and advocate for them when we can, but have NO doubts that a company will throw your ass under a bus if it will save their reputation. Hell didn't anyone else here read about that California nurse with 24 years NICU at the same hospital who made a critical med error?! 24 YEARS!!! 1 deadly error and they throw her out on her ass then she commited suicide because she knew her nursing career was over after 24 YEARS of excellent service and 1 mistake. And no amount of corporate ******** like "well we had other issues with this RN in the past" will make me believe that this woman was anything but a good nurse. WHY? Because what company keeps a medicore, difficult to deal with RN for 24 YEARS?! They don't..it's easier to throw the blame on an insignificant RN, save the company, offer said RN termination and no couseling so she can go off and commit suicide and then we can twist her reasonable feelings of hopelessness and depression at killing a patient, loosing her career, and her RN licenses into a basis to make her seem 'unstable'.

HOSPITAL MANAGMENT AND BUSINESS PEOPLE SUCK!

I learned this crap the hard and innocent way too, your not the first dope to be honest and trusting because you honestly cared about your employer.

Please be safe, get out of where you are living ASAP for your children's sake and yours. I can't tell you how devastated I'd be to lose my mom much less to a situation like the one happening to you right now. Get your stuff if you can, forget about the phone, go to a shelter or somewhere he can't find you. Don't put your previous employer on your resume because it will hurt you at this point. I'm going to send all the good thoughts I can your way and please, please take care of yoursefl.

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

OP, I wish you were here in Oregon, where we have laws that prohibit businesses from firing employees who have domestic violence issues. This must be like being victimized twice, and that is patently UNFAIR---not to mention morally and ethically wrong.

Last winter, the managers at my facility were all asked to take a training course in helping employee-victims stay safe AND employed. Sure enough, it wasn't a month later that one of our staffers came to us with a domestic violence problem, and we used our training to help her get out of the situation, find shelter and hold her position for her until she was able to get settled again. Today she is one of our best employees, and better yet, she is no longer being abused.

And that is what I wish for you, OP. You've received excellent advice here, as well as a lot of support. I'm so sorry your employer wasn't as understanding as they should have been, but all you can do is move forward. You have a lot of courage, AND a marketable skill, which puts you head and shoulders above the majority of abused women. You'll be all right as long as you can stay away from your husband (and all abusive men) in the future. No matter how tough it is out there in the single world, DON'T. GO. BACK.

In the meantime, please get some serious counseling so you can figure out who you are and learn to respect yourself. (Many counties have mental-health clinics that charge fees based on a sliding scale; if you're low-income they may even give you a few sessions for free.) A woman who doesn't value herself is like flypaper for the violent and the controlling; a woman who does honor herself commands respect from others and is much less likely to fall victim to an abuser.

Good luck. My thoughts and prayers go with you.

[cherrybreeze, ADN, RN]

My question is why the ER/prompt care (can't see the post right now) didn't report this..... aren't they obligated? The police also have information on getting help. You can refuse to prosecute in some states I think.

I don't know why they didn't report it, I thought it had to be reported if acknowledged but to my knowledge it was not as I have not spoken to or been contacted by the police.

First -- call the cops, and what the #*#*Q( was wrong with your ER that they didn't report the abuse themselves? A hand print is a hand print, and I've called the county on folks before.

Your ER should have reported. They failed the world by not reporting and bringing the social workers/cops to you while you were there.

Mandatory reporting laws vary from state to state. Some states have none. Others require reporting of any intentional injury caused by a weapon. California requires reporting of any injuries reasonably suspected of being caused by abusive conduct.

I don't know what applies to which states, but where I live (and I know in others), domestic abuse does not fall under mandatory reporting. Child abuse and elder abuse does. Reason being, the adult victim of domestic violence has the power to call the cops themselves. Children and elders do not. Many, MANY women opt to not prosecute their abusers, and since they do have that choice, it negates mandatory reporting. Child and elder abuse are automatically prosecuted. I'm not saying I agree with it, but it is what it is.

You have unfortunately fallen into the trap so many women do who suffer domestic violence. You keep making excuse after excuse for a violent, drunken husband. It doesn't matter how much you 'love' him - my sister eventually married a guy who'd suffered unresolved abuse issues - can't tell you the number of times she wasn't allowed out the house, & when she did she had mysterious bruises everywhere. She stayed with her loser husband and is now trapped IMO.

Stop being a door mat before you are KILLED. Violence always leads to serious bodily harm, rape and/or homicide with women in these situations.

Even if u separate, he still has to give you part of his income to support you - that's the law. I'd rather move a million miles away b4 tolerating what you put up with, see if you can get money off a family member to move. You need to get out of the state ur in. Go back and stay with ur parents, or sister - anywhere - or if u don't have anyone, go to a domestic violence shelter.

And your hospital has told you the biggest load of c**p I can imagine. Had to let you go due to patient safety? What a load of BS! They themselves said you were safe and a great nurse, so why do they think you're unsafe? They just wanted to be rid of someone by the sounds of it. I'd be on the phone to the industrial relations lawyer! They're spinning you a line and you fell for it hook, line & sinker. And NO bosses are 'nice' people. I certainly wouldn't be going back to work for them later on - re-hire you in 4-6 months? I've never heard such rubbish in all my time.

You could do agency work but until ur domestic problems are out of your life, you won't get any peace, believe me, and ur work will be affected. You need to be safe first.

And ur hubby's problems aren't yours - they're HIS. If he doesn't face up to that, you will be in danger and need to leave. He has to want to change. You being there won't change him - he needs to get into a program and do it himself, and the best way to do that is for you to get away from him so he can work on his problems.

Good luck.

It is not the law that if they separate, he has to support her. If alimony were to be ordered, it would be when the divorce is finalized. Often, alimony isn't ordered at all. When it is, it's based on income. If a wife makes more than her husband (I'm not saying that's the case in this situation, mind you), SHE may have to pay HIM. It's certainly not automatic that he would have to pay her if they separate. At all.

OP: I am so sorry for all you are going through. I cannot imagine what it is like to deal with, I really can't. You've been given a lot of good advice already, so I won't rehash the same points. However, I DO want to say that your employer was DEAD WRONG in terminating your employment. The fact that you readily accept it and say you understand worries me for your mindset. The "potential" for a risk to patient safety? Baloney. Unless there were actual, documented incidents that something YOU did based on THIS situation risked the safety of your patients, they have NOTHING to stand on. Your mind is still (understandably) in the place of someone abused; you blindly and willingly accept the flimsy excuse they gave you. I'm concerned you will do the same when your husband tries to come to you with excuses.

You will be in my prayers. Please be strong. A lot of people here care about you.

[1icurn.jn]

I only read down to the 3rd paragraph, but he's got problems!!! Some things are not fixable, get OUT for your sake, there are better men out there. I will be praying for you!

[Art_Vandelay]

op, please have a police escort you if you go back to the house to get your things. they will if you tell them you feel your safety is in danger. please do not go back alone.

also, i did not state before but i agree with the other posters, the hospital was completely in the wrong. they victimized you twice, and they should have known better. hr should get some training in dv. this example is horrible on their part.

[rn/writer, RN]

Your ER should have reported. They failed the world by not reporting and bringing the social workers/cops to you while you were there. Never feel bad that this happened and was seen by work people. Don't let anybody put that idea in your head.

This has been brought up several times in this thread. Mandatory reporting only applies to children, the elderly and those who are otherwise at the mercy of an abuser, i.e., a physically or developmentally disabled person. Reporting the abuse of able-bodied adults is not mandatory. It can be encouraged, but it should never be forced or done without the person's approval.

Why? Because abuse victims sometimes need to wrestle with indecision and become "ripe" to stand up to their abuser. To take this choice away from her can be to short-circuit the process, making it much more likely that she will go back. Reporting before someone is ready can also prevent her from coming up with a viable plan, taking things from the house (like financial and medical records), lining up alternative housing, etc. One further caution is that if she isn't ready to make the break and the abuser is approached by police or social workers, he could take it out on the her, even to the point of killing her.

So, yes, it's good to encourage a woman (or a man, for that matter) to get help and file charges, but pushing someone farther than they're ready to go or reporting without their permission is not something we should be doing.

[hiddencatRN, BSN, RN]

Oh jeez- what an awful situation to be in. I think that's actually really crappy of your employer to let you go like that. I would google women's shelters in your area for help- they might be able to house you while you find another job and help keep you safe. I do not think that depending on your husband is safe at all- keep your distance. Try to talk to creditors and billers about the situation and see if they'll offer you hardship deferments and if not...well, a temporary blip on your credit is something you can recover from, but your life is precious and irreplaceable.

Best of luck to you. Please make your safety THE priority.

[morte, LPN, LVN]

looking at it from the employers view......picture the scenario of the belligerent abusive husband bringing his show "on the road" to her place of employment....how many of her fellow workers would be dead? and the law suits that would have followed when it got out that management was aware....

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

OP, I strongly encourage you NOT to contact your landlord regarding your move. This should be done with only you and your family helping you move.

Phone numbers can be replaced. Go get a phone at Walmart. You can then call the people that you wish to have your number.

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

never mind "want to keep the phone number." change the phone number, and don't let him have it. do not notify the utilities, the landlord, all those other things that are in his name. you don't owe him any consideration after what he has done to you, and by extension, to your kids. really.

[nursearoo]

Have self respect & get out....life is too short to put up with this nonsense....and wow...talk about kicking you when you're down...you're job waited until the end of your shift to let you go.....well isn't that just wonderful.....perhaps they are afraid your husband will come into your workplace in a violent rage & we've all seen things on the news about this stuff...... I think what your employer did is terrible....they should be ashamed of themselves!I would definelty file for unemployment, because unless your job performance is lax..and by your review was anything other than that....I think they should let you collect.....good luck and please do yourself a favor and get away....sounds like maybe he definelty has some mental health issues plus perhaps he's jealous that you are able to support yourself without a man....God forbid! Just get out & get things taken care of.....you have one life to live & it ain't no dress rehearsal.....

[Dogstar]

To reiterate aNader_RN's advice, do not go back for your stuff without a police escort. Stuff can be replaced. You, your dad, and your brother cannot. This psycho could easily shoot all of you. The most dangerous time for someone in your position is when you are actually leaving the scumbag.

To reiterate GrnTea's advice, do not tell the landlord, the utilities, etc., and get a new phone number. Let him keep (and deal with) everything that's in his name -- his problem now, not yours. Just leave now and take that poor dog, too.