Compassion.... why is it so hard to give some?

[NurseLoveJoy88]

Yesterday, I worked as a sitter and had one particular pt. that really touched my heart. We were talking and she revealed to me about how hurt she was.

I asked her to continue on and this is what she told me:

She said last night a nurse attempted to stick her to draw blood but she requested that the nurse use a different area because her veins are small and she usually feels pain. The nurse responded twice that " He doesn't care" she replied " I know you don't care but I do"

He then replied again that he doesn't care for a second time. She said the way he said it was so cold and so disrespectful. She said that she was so hurt that she wanted to leave the hospital. She said that nurses should be affectionate and compassionate and when they don't it really hurts and makes patients feel worthless.

This is not the first time I've seen and heard of nurses showing little to no compassion. I worked with a nurse last week in CCU and his patient was very restless and agitated. He told me right in front of the patient that he had no sympathy for her and that she was just " showing off" and how he felt that it was completly behavioral.

This women was 1 day post-op and I asked him when the last time she had pain med because the way she was acting indicated that she may be in pain. Anyway, I was shocked and appalled at his behavior.

I may not have worked as a nurse yet so I don't know how stressful it can be. However, before I get to the point where I show no more compassion I rather turn in my nursing license. It literally breaks my heart on how nurses can be so inconsiderate.

Anyone can read a text book and pass a nursing exam. Anyone can do extremely well in clinicals taking care of 1-2 patients and providing competent care. But it takes a special someone to actually care and show compassion and at the same time providing competent care.

I don't pray for the perfect job, or making over 20 bucks an hour. I pray that I will be a caring, compassionate giving, and competent nurse. I'm sure I'll get overwhelmed at times , patients will test my tolerance and that I may make mistakes. I may even get accused of not being competent or making too many mistakes, but one thing that won't be mistaken is the compassion that I have in my heart for patients. :heartbeat:redbeathe

[nursemichelle80, BSN, RN]

It is very sad to see nurses with no compassion. They either aren't happy with the career they have chosen, they're bored, or they're in it for the money. I got into nursing for the patients. I get so much in return for taking care of ill patients. The money just happens to be a bonus for me. You will do well in nursing! Keep the compassion!!!

[nursel56]

Some nurses and nursing students have a tendency to give themselves the validation of a job well done that patients and institutions don't give. When one nurse engages a patient in a discussion of the shortcomings of the others, they are playing a game of ego-stroking as they agree w/ the patient about the appalling lack of fill-in-the-blank horror show. After all, the patient trusts YOU with their innermost feelings. . . and I'm not saying that I have never done that.

It's a natural tendency when extremely able and intelligent people such as ourselves dont get many praises for what good we do, or even see it after the patient leaves. Yes, there is Nurses Week, but. . .anyway. I don't think it hurts one bit to ask myself that question what is my real motivation here. That kind of thing sticks out loud and clear to other people.

Those things you overheard sound really nasty and blunt. Thank God, I've never heard a nurse say, "I don't care" to a patient. That would border on abuse in my mind. Anyway, just some food for thought. Not personal against anyone.

[nursemichelle80, BSN, RN]

Some nurses and nursing students have a tendency to give themselves the validation of a job well done that patients and institutions don't give. When one nurse engages a patient in a discussion of the shortcomings of the others, they are playing a game of ego-stroking as they agree w/ the patient about the appalling lack of fill-in-the-blank horror show. After all, the patient trusts YOU with their innermost feelings. . . and I'm not saying that I have never done that.

This is true. I always "dreamed" of the type of nurse I would be. Then I got stuck on a psych ward for 8 months as a traveler. I quickly learned about compassion. I am now back on a ms/ortho/onc floor where I "feel" more "appreciated". It is completely different when you're a student versus actually working as a nurse.

[JVRB4]

In nursing just like every other field there are people who are good and people who are not good at what they do. In nursing some are great with the technical aspects and the knowledge but not so great with bed side manner. Some show compassion in different ways. It should never be ok to tell a pt you don't care regardless of the situation. When I was working I tried to remember 2 things when dealing with pts 1) How would I treat or speak to this person if they were my family and 2) How would I treat or speak to this person if they had a family member in the room with them, then do so accordingly. Maybe this pt was tx poorly, maybe she wasn't no one really knows but the person she is speaking of and herself (assuming she is of sound mind). We are all responsible for our own actions and yes some pts will manipulate but even so that doesn't mean we just ignore a pts report of poor tx. Kids sometimes lie too but that doesn't mean if a child reports being abused it should just assume it is another lie. We investigate or tell the approp person so they can. Never assume anything because there are nurses who do tx pts poorly and there are pts who will lie/manipulate for attention or whatever.

Compassion is an important part of nursing. No its not a requirement to provide competent care which of course is a must but it can make the difference between just meeting the mark of competent and surpassing that mark and really making a difference for that pt.

As a family member of a dying lung ca pt, a nursing student and a newbie I have seen all kinds of nurses. Some who just met the mark of competancy and some who appeared as though I was an inconvenience in their day. Then there have been those who as a family member they have brought me coffee, cried with me because it touched them deeply to see the pts pain and have taken time to support me as I watched a loved one die. As a student and newbie there have been those that answered all questions (no matter how dumb) and took the time to explain actions and decisions rather than the somewhat typical "because that's how it's done" or "because Ive done it that way for xx years". As newbies we may not ask the right way but we ask because we don't know. We have been shown another way or told differently and we are trying to figure out who is right and who we should follow. Nursing is an every changing field that is why we do ce's so just because a nurse has done something a certain way for xx years doesn't mean she is right all the time and just because the newbie is inexperienced doesn't mean she is wrong. In the end we all need to be more compassionate and respectful towards others regardless of the situation and/or environment.

To the seasoned nurses- please be pt with us newbies though we are all different ages as nurses we are children and just as you have to be pt with a young child learning to walk, talk etc we need you to be pt with us because we are just learning to "walk" as nurses. I guess we may even go through the "know it all" teen years lol. So just be pt with us we will eventually catch on and then maybe one day we will be intelligent, competent, compassionate and experienced and able to care for our "more seasoned" colleagues when they are the pts.

[Buffkat00]

I think a couple responses really got out of hand here. The original poster was not downplaying nurses or their tough jobs; in fact she wants to be a nurse. Compassion for the caregiver is necessary, but let's face it: in this profession, the patient comes first. If the patient is uncomfortable or being treated with disrespect, this is something that needs to be addressed. I have had numerous wonderful nurses care for me in medical situations, but I have also had 2 in particular that were not very compassionate, did not listen to my needs and, frankly, made me feel more like a burden than someone in pain (or labor, or post-surgery). Under no circumstance is it okay to reply with "I don't care," whether you are a nurse, CNA, phlebotomist or doctor. I totally agree that if at any point I begin to experience "compassion fatigue" or any other such phenemona, I will at least take a vacation and at most look for a different profession.

Though I do not yet have a license, I had a similar situation happen. I left (with 2 weeks notice, on good terms) a group home I worked at for over 2 years after giving birth to my very colicky, high-needs son. I simply did not have anything left to give to my consumers at work and decided it would be best for all of us if I left. I made the hard, mature decision to find a new job, even though I loved that job and those people. Sometimes, that's what is needed. :twocents::twocents: (I think that is about 8 cents worth lol).

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

I think with all this talk about being non-judgmental towards our colleagues, we should also ask if we should be non-judgmental towards our future colleagues? aka nursing students :/

I agree. There's a lot of judgement being thrown around.

Nursing students can be some of the harshest judgemental folks out there, because they learn how it "should be" and they see nurses and say "I'll never make a med error, I'll always be the best compassionate nurse out there......."........then reality hits. I've felt the sting of a nursing students judgement before with a "I can't believe he........" when they really don't know the full story. As Ruby says...walk a mile in our shoes first.

On the other hand, there are definitely some old battleaxe nurses with the compassion and personality of a toad. It sounds like the original poster has run across some of these.

The bottom line is that it's unfair of any of us to judge any of us and generalize, because 90% of us are hard workers, with compassion, just trying to make it through the day in one piece.

[cherrybreeze, ADN, RN]

The sitter thing jumped out at me immediately in the OP. If that patient needed a sitter, something obviously warranted it......makes me think that story may not be actually what happened.

I'm not saying you come out and say "I don't care," but unless you've seen a patient attempt to totally manipulate you with their behavior, it's very easy to say what is and isn't called for.

I had a patient a few days ago........was a stabbing victim. Had to go to CT, since they took out his chest tube and some NASTY crap came out of there. He called me a b*tch because the contrast tasted like crap, and told me how much our hospital sucked because I told him he couldn't eat anything (due to the test and the probable impending surgery.......which DID happen only a few hours later). He was rude to all of our staff, yelled his head off, swore, etc. Hey buddy, I didn't stab you (not hard to imagine that he ticked someone off enough to do it, I can't even totally explain his behavior but it was appalling). I finally told him, "you know...this isn't our fault, either." He was MAD and railed at me for about 5 minutes about, how could I say such a thing, how unprofessional it was, etc........and I let him finish and said, "are you done?" I am sure plenty will think that was a TERRIBLE thing for me to say, but you know what? He apologized for how he'd been behaving. I in turn told him that I didn't mean to upset him, but that we didn't deserve the abuse he was giving us. His attitude completely changed, at least for a while. Sometimes they need blunt honesty to look at what they're doing. I'm not a doormat, and calling me names like that and cussing me out is NOT acceptable, period.

[lovepink]

yes, there are nurses who don't care, but i think you're being harsh and (dare i say it?) without compassion to say that they need to get out of nursing.

lol... you made me laugh... yeah maybe that was a little harsh to say they should get out of nursing. i should have said they need a vacation.... and maybe re-evaluate their career choice.....

we all go through periods where we don't care. hopefully we go through them quickly, but anyone who says they've never had a shift or a week or a patient that they just didn't care is either lying or a saint.

i am definitely not a saint lol, and i havent been a nurse for 20 years so maybe thats why, but i can honestly say i have never not cared about my job or a pt. i have had some really really bad days and stressed out moments, but wow.... i care about ppl. thats why i got into this field. i treat my pts the way i want my fam members treated. i mean... i have had moments or days when i was really stressed and would rather be somewhere else (maybe a beach.. with a margarita lol) but.... to just "not care" i would be scared if that happened and i wouldn't want to do this anymore. i can't imagine how miserable it would be going to work everyday....

if someone's stint of not caring lasts 15 years, then you may have a point.

i think a stint of not caring longer than a few days is too long. when ppl stop caring about their job and other ppl, it becomes dangerous for the pts.

[lovepink]

It takes all kinds of ppl to be a nurse. And I am not saying by any means that we all need to be sunshine and rainbows lol (wouldnt that be annoying?) Pts do not need to be babied at all, that doesnt help the situation. But cognitive issues or not if a pt says they were mistreated it should be taken seriously and reported to the right ppl. I would hate to think that someone who has the mind of child is being abused bc a nurse doesnt take her seriously. I am NOT saying that anyone here would overlook abuse and I am NOT saying that is what happened in this situation bc I dont knw. None of us really knw.

[NurseLoveJoy88, ASN, RN]

Wow. Thanks everyone for the replies. Once again I apologize if I did come off as judgemental. I'm just a compassionate person thats all, and thats a trait that is with me to the end. I just can't help but feel confused and hurt to actually see nurses talk to patients that way right in FRONT of their faces. When that nurse told the pt. he did not have any sympathy, he did it right in front of her face, and I know she heard it loud and clear. So far as the sitter patient... IDK what her motive was, but she sure did sound sure to me. Just because patient NEEDS a sitter doesn't alway make them a liar or manipulative. Oh well, I can sit her and debate all day long, but instead I'm going to study for my boards so that one day I can be that caring nurse. Thanks everyone.

[anonymurse]

Google "borderline personality disorder."

If you're going to be truly nonjudgmental, you can't choose sides.

The victim-persecutor-rescuer triangle is one of the oldest games on the planet.

Avoid being any of the three.

[BusinessGrad]

I am really surprised at some of these replies.

No, I am not a nurse yet, so I haven't walked a mile in a nurse's shoes.

With that being said, how can a nurse repeatedly say "I don't care" to a patient and that be justified? Every single job has stress and/or responsibility, and nursing no doubt has much more stress and responsibility than many other occupations out there. At the same time, telling a patient that you don't care is border-line ridiculous and completely unprofessional, regardless of how much stress a particular nurse is under.

I'm not saying this to start trouble, but it's the honest truth. I come in peace.