Anxious, depressed, and might need to go to HR.

[BeatsPerMinute]

I will try to make this as concise as possible:

2years on the ICU & in trouble with the supervisor who started at the beginning of the year. The new boss frequently pulls me into her office to talk about "concerns". She said other nurses have witnessed me doing things incorrectly, that my charting is wrong, the MD's are becoming less confident/trusting in me, and that I keep making mistakes. She drills me on why I did this or that on a patient I took care of 2-3 weeks ago (as if I could remember...). She has shouted at me in her office and in the hallways a few times. When I ask her why she is concerned, for more details on the situation she's concerned about, or when I ask to look at my charting with her (so I can see what this problem is, and fix it) her response is that she "does not have time" .. or she just changes the subject. She has told me that I had better fix my faults, however, or we were going to head down the disciplinary action road, and if things do not change: termination.

I was shocked... My previous boss gave me positive reviews, commenting that I was consistently "cool, calm, and collected." He corrected me / pointed out my weaknesses when warranted, but with full explanation, and was always supportive & encouraging. I am certified / trained to care for any patient who walked into the ICU. I precept students and new nurses. I get along with my peers, even go out with the crew after work sometimes. I am on two different ICU unit committees. I am a focused worker. I do not understand what I am doing so terribly wrong.

I tried to handle this on my own for awhile, (stayed late to chart every shift, triple checked everything, pushed myself harder and harder to ensure everything was 100% correct)... but the complaints from my supervisor continued and got worse, and now a couple of the charge nurses are following her lead... I eventually confided to 2 nurse friends I trusted. I asked them to review my charting and even "nit-pick" at my nursing practice / patient care and to help me discover these "faults" ...but they said that they had no concerns, as I am always critcally thinking, asking questions when uncertain. They even chuckled with how I practice things in a very "OCD" like fashion - constantly rechecking everything. One of the girls recommended going to HR. Nurse friend #2 disagreed, arguing that they saying on the side of the hospital, not the nurses, and that these things rarely work out well for the nurse.

Fast forward: its been 4 months. I work tomorrow early morning, but am up @ 0130, unable to sleep again because I am dreading work, am anxious about work, and cannot stop thinking about work. I started applying to other positions...which breaks my heart as I loved this job until now and was good at it. I fear getting fired, and my confidence as a critical care nurse is dwindling. I have nightmares about me accidentally killing patients and wake up in the middle of the night in panic. Work never leaves my mind... it consumes me every single day.. Maybe I am placing too much importance on this - it just a job - I tend to be a worst case scenario thinker.. i would hate to lose this position.. I moved over 1000 miles away from home for this job.

I started going to counseling last week. I am exhausted, sleep deprived.... I feel demoralized and torn down. My counselor actually recommended that I go to HR for this situation... I am afraid (never done it... I hear "HR" and think -> "HR is on company side, not on your side" -> "you're just gonna shoot yourself in the foot or get fired if you go to HR")

I need advice... and would appreciate personal examples / stories, if you have them. I am naive, and something like this has never happened to me. Would you recommend HR? Were you afraid of going to them? Have you had experiences going to HR about something similar? What do I even say / where do I start? How else would you address the situation?

Thank you much ❤️

[silveryscrape]

Your story is amazing and horrifying. It's really helped me remember and reconsider interactions with management I've had in past jobs.

I would hire you in a second and be confident in my decision.

Have you ever considered writing as a hobby/adjunct career?

[FolksBtrippin, BSN, RN]

On 6/18/2019 at 11:16 PM, BeatsPerMinute said:

Wanted to provide an update. Hopefully sharing this will be helpful.

I ended up leaving ICU several weeks after the last threat of termination.

The morning of my last shift on the ICU, my boss pulled me into her office again to “chat." I had just finished my last back to back night shift for the week and was very tired, but she wanted to talk before I left for the day and she said it could not wait. I followed her to her office, sat down and listened as she bombarded me with all the reasons she felt that critical care was not for me. She towered over me and then would pace back and forth as she shared her very many feelings. I was very confused, felt small and pathetic. I was fed up with hearing all of this very unhelpful and generalized “criticism” and “feedback.”

Despite my hard work and hoop jumping, it was not enough. Prior to going into the office for this “chat” that morning, I was in my patient room listening to my patient as he thanked me for taking such great care of him. My second patient next was in septic shock. I busted my butt that night, and the end of my shift, he was sedated, intubated, with blood cultures obtained, ABX started, electrolytes replaced, CXR done, EKG done, follow up blood work done, 6 continuous infusions all running at appropriate rates/labeled/bagsFULL!, tube feeds initiated…the patient alive … sick but stable.. and care handed off. Both on-coming nurses were set up for success. To-do list was done. Everything documented. Rooms were stocked and clean. My neighbor nurse thanked me for helping her take care of some things that had come up with her own patient that night. It was a good night.

And yet, there I was in the office being told once again that I was “not cut out” for this kind of nursing… instead, she said things such as “we gotta do something”, “change something,” and my “nursing practice is under increased scrutiny,”… she has “reasons to be concerned about my practice,” she told me that I am "under disciplinary action," and it "will result in termination if continued"..

When she finally stopped talking I asked to go home. When she tried to stop me from leaving, I calmly but sternly said I was happy to discuss this further if she insisted, but needed sleep. We could talk later.

I gave myself a couple days to rest, think, and receive advice before going to HR. When I went to HR, I explained the situation very matter of fact. I told HR about the chats / meetings about my "poor performance", the frequency, that the supervisor would request to talk before work, during work, after shift, even called or texted me sometimes on my off days. I showed HR the texts and phone call history. I shared the things I have done to improve my practice and examples of attempts to resolve the issue. I expressed confusion and stress. I pointed out the contrast to how I was doing before and where I stand now. HR reviewed my certifications, committee involvement, progression, and positive performance evals submitted by previous unit supervisors. I asked questions about the hospital’s disciplinary action / termination process. HR confirmed that I had nothing on my record - the only negative performance evaluation received was the one from the current supervisor. They had no active warnings, actions, nor anything that pointed to termination. HR asked me what I wanted to do. I asked what my options were. HR escalated the issue. I was internally transferred to another unit. It was not a unit I chose, but it would allow me to continue working and get me out of the other unit right away. On the new unit the people are nice and my schedule is amazing - no more rotating shifts, weekends, nights, etc. I see old co-workers often at the hospital on my way in or out of work, and will stop to chat, give a hug, etc. I hang out with a couple work friends when our schedules line up. Many have left the unit and others plan to leave. They say the unit has changed. I have been told that the supervisor got in trouble. I've been told there's a lot of drama on the unit. I do not ask for details as it's probably best to know little, let go, leave it all behind... just focus on doing well and fitting into the new unit.

I am still in counseling. I miss ICU but am relieved that there will be no more chats... I can handle sick and dying patients, the fast pace, the MDs demanding things and staring at me as I carry out their orders as efficiently as possible while still being safe. I know drips and advanced therapies and protocols by heart. I can deal with the "depressing and hopeless cases." I can spend days caring for a patient, get to know them, earn their trust, offer hope to them and their families and then face it head on when that patient has died, console the family, prepare the body for the morgue, and leave my shift with a sense of peace. I have had difficult shifts, long shifts, heart breaking shifts and shifts that nearly broke me.

I still have a hard time articulating exactly what happened and moving on from it. It was slow, persistent, tricky, ruthless, and occurred over a 5-6th month period of time. At the end I felt torn down, misguided, and set up for failure. Before all of this I had showed up to my job with discipline, certain habits / practices (safeguards) that allowed me confidently in the ICU (with a healthy dose of questioning & alertness), and leave work at work. This situation with my boss involved tearing me away from those practices, constantly. The practices and foundation my preceptors had drilled into me were constantly questioned and picked apart by my supervisor, leaving me highly anxious, stressed, and uncertain. I could not shake the stress, my health was impacted, and realized that the longer I tried to grit and bear through the situation like I was, the more it would just hurt me. I was also increasing the risk that I would make a mistake / patient care would suffer if I continued to just push through. I hope that counseling, working day shifts in a new environment + some extra self care will help to rebuild my confidence, learn, move on, and grow stronger.

I am so happy for you! You will regain your confidence in time as I did. Lots of love from me to you.

[BeatsPerMinute, BSN, RN]

Update: 

Sharing this update/experience in hopes that it helps others. Learning from others along the way, which has been tremendously helpful. 

My experience with that manager was awful. Totally unfair per nurse friends, travelers, my first preceptor.... it sucked balls, really, and I would never wish this on anyone.

I went to HR. HR had to step out a couple of times to check in with her supervisor about this stuff. 

I was shocked, fearful, and I hated it all. It still bothers me as I truly didn't understand what was going on. 

The whole thing really pisses me off; even now, still feel blindsided. I am learning to accept that you don't know what you don't know, too. I feel like I am in that "middle ground" area in my nurse career (if that makes sense?)  I have rebuilt my confidence ... to an extent.

I changed jobs several times recently: was seeking to explore diff specialities; wanted to see if it was "them or me" situation... I asked my preceptors many question + checked in with my supervisor + preceptor. Got mixed results. 

"Politics" are the most frightening for me - am working through that. I don't ever want to be sucked into that again. 

Lotsa therapy (for self) involved. EAP. All of the things. Oddly I felt a bit disheartened by the overall responses from therapy & EAP. They affirmed that I was not in the wrong and unfortunately I could do nothing further to remedy the situation and encouraged me to change jobs. 

Positive note: my newest job has been amazing. New outpatient procedural area. Current preceptor has been very supportive. We have similar experiences (had to navigate unfortunate situations + we both have ICU/ intra op proc exp. Very similar mindsets.

New job has been working out very well however I am only 2 weeks in to this new job. She is awesome, flex, and open to new ideas and doing the whole "I just wanna thought check in with you"

I don't want fear making the same mistakes. I am excited about this job, really, but don't want to get my hopes up too much. 

Background: 7 years into nursing and still learning. Still aiming on improving on self awareness and being aware of these sort of situations. Am a bit more CYA focused. BSN, RN, CCRN. BLS + PALS + ACLS certified. Cards ICU exp. Cath lab with scrub experience. IR circ / doc exp w/ min scrub exp. Pre/post for EP/IR/Cath as well. CYA focused atm. 

FYI I am very tired and apologize for any redundancy. Would appreciate thoughts from other nurses out there who have had similar experiences. Goal is to not be fearful or worry or to get too caught up in the politics or whatever the eff happens

 

[10GaugeNeedles, BSN]

So glad to hear stuff is starting to go well! I can't give advice on the political BS. I went traveling and never looked back. Good to not get your hopes up. As long as your manager has your back, you should be good. Ugh. I remember the bad times. The worst. Heres to better days ?

[caliotter3]

Find it unfortunate to have to say that in my experience, there has never been a positive outcome for anyone in such a situation or a similar one.  If my own life circumstances were different, I would leave nursing.  As it stands, that is not a possible option.  When I get a chance to talk about the field to someone contemplating nursing as a career, I am very careful to give a truthful rendition of the pitfalls.  I only wish I would have been told the truth before I went down the path of possible venom around every corner.  For those who have positive experiences, congratulations.  But please don't be judgmental of those who don't find that right job, right supervisor, right environment.  It just doesn't exist for everybody all the time.  OP I am glad that this is working out for you.  Hope the rest of your career is more pleasant than that horrible experience.

[Emergent, RN]

Now that I am detoxing from nursing, I am reliving a lot of the negative experiences. There is so much toxicity in the profession, mainly because of these weird interpersonal problems created by sociopathic type people such as the manager described here. I'm so glad I'm getting out of.

 

[londonflo]

9 hours ago, BeatsPerMinute said:

Would appreciate thoughts from other nurses out there who have had similar experiences.

After several years on a job, I had some health problems that caused me to 'call in sick' several times (hospitalizations) that made me a target for the Dean. No matter that I had covered 2 maternity leaves with out pay (I was single so my time was not important  in her view). Yes I worked for free.

The Dean got angrier and angrier as time went on.  One faculty told me she was smiling  and then when I walked into the doorway of the office, the Dean's whole demeaner changed. The conflict got worse when I got engaged and the Dean was finding out her husband was having an affair (why a surprise I don't know, he had an affair with her before divorcing his first wife). When I handed in my notice it was the happiest day of my life.  So happy to leave that place. I was told I had to be OUT by the end of the next day even though it was a holiday. My new place was so civilized and I was actually paid for coverage of a faculty member.

[Guest 1152923]

Now that I am detoxing from nursing, I am reliving a lot of the negative experiences. There is so much toxicity in the profession, mainly because of these weird interpersonal problems created by sociopathic type people such as the manager described here. I'm so glad I'm getting out of.

 

^^^This^^^  Nursing is the only career that I have ever had so I don't really have much of a frame of reference.  That said, having worked for many years as an RN in numerous facilities across the country, I am still amazed at the sheer number of toxic people in this profession.  Ironically, every where I go, it always seems to be the same subset of personalities; tyrant, micromanager, holier than thou gossiper, s&%t stirrer, sociopath, crazy bipolar with radical mood swings, slacker, brown noser.... Added to that toxic mix are physicians, med students, PAs, and NPs who are disrespectful and feel that it's acceptable to treat nurses like dirt.  It's still just baffling to me that this seems to be the normative culture of nursing and everyone just resigns themselves to this fact. Like Emergent, I am counting down the years:( until I too can exit stage left.

[SmilingBluEyes]

I would love to hear from the OP. This was 2 years ago and I would like to hear how this was resolved.

[CalicoKitty, BSN, MSN, RN]

5 hours ago, SmilingBluEyes said:

I would love to hear from the OP. This was 2 years ago and I would like to hear how this was resolved.

OP posted a few posts up 22 hours ago and bumped the thread.. ?

[anewsns]

This response was a million years too late so I deleted 

[BeatsPerMinute, BSN, RN]

1 hour ago, anewsns said:

This response was a million years too late so I deleted 

Mine or someone else's response was a million years to late? Either or is fine - I legit. don't understand what you mean.