My best friend of 10 years is having a difficult time in school where she was put on academic probation twice and received a 1.9 for her first semester of college and a 2.0 for her second semester (she believes she has ADD). So she is taking classes this summer to get back caught up with school in general.
However, she is failing her Bio 101 class and expexts me to help get her an A overnight because she thinks I know everything and don't need to study to get an A in any class I take. Yet, we are taking two different classes as I'm taking Microbiology and never once took Bio 101 as a college course.
So I wouldn't even know where to begin to help her study as I don't have a clue what she's learning. And yet she tries to make me drop everything I'm doing (my own studying time included) to come help her study.
For instance, like today she called me up telling me to come over and help her study for finals because she is not understanding the material and I told her I can't because I just got off of work and needed to study for my own finals. Then she blatantly said that I'm going to pull an A regardless since nursing is an easy major to have and get into unlike her major (physical therapy) which is harder and requires better grades. (Though I don't fault her for saying this since she doesn't know much about nursing at all).
Or when I told her that I'm meeting up with a study group from my class tomorrow for finals she got mad at me and claimed that I didn't care about her struggles and I should help her. Even though I did show and tell her how to study smartly but she completely disregarded it and wants me to give her answers and explain her class material to her that I refused to do. (And even as I type this she is texting me to forgo my study group tomorrow to come help her).
And now my friends and family are telling me that I'm wrong and act like I can't help a friend out in her time of need and I should be ashamed of myself.
At first I thought I was not in the wrong to refuse to help my friend but after being told that I do feel a little bit guilty for not doing all I can to help her and want advice from you guys on how I should've have went about the situation.
If you just got through all of this thank you for reading this long post as it was a struggle to type.
I guess I have. A softer heart because I'm thinking you can have some compassion for her without feeling guilty. She's been your childhood friend for 10 years and your mother who has also known the both of you thinks you're taking a hard line with her. Maybe she needs it, or maybe she needs a boundary not laced with razor wire, I don't know, we don't know but you're both only 18 and you can set some healthy limits without having to build resentment towards her. In fact, if you can learn that skill, you will be way ahead of many people in this world.
So my friend failed her exam and she told me she had a panic attack and was crying because she had a D on the 100 test question quiz and an F on the final. I can't help but to feel guilty, however I know there was nothing I really could do to help her.
Oh well. The way you make bad grades is to not study. I have diagnosed (after extensive testing and evaluations) UNMEDICATED ADHD and my grades are just fine. Yes it's very true that anxiety is a comorbidity but the anxiety I feel regarding my pressure to perform well in school is what has enabled me to make better grades than most of my peers. You can take the heat and roll with it or you can crack under the pressure but either way, you make a conscious decision to not study well. She can't blame her ADD for that.
Not to mention she insulted you, she insulted your education, your future career, and she takes without giving anything back. Seems like she has a very warped idea of what friendship is.
Read that book 'The Giving Tree'. You're the tree.
Your "friends" grades are NOT your responsibility. I question this "friendship" because of the one sidedness of the relationship. As a friend, you can sympathize with her, but I doubt anything would have changed her grade had you helped her. Your studies should be more important to you than her's. Sorry if that sounds harsh but if she cannot pass basic Bio, the medical field is not the place for her. Its on her and it sounds like you have tried to give her tips and suggestions for better retention. She needs to find a friend IN that particular class or external tutors to help her. You are not in that class and shouldnt have to learn that material to teach her. Just my thoughts. Dont beat yourself up.
Yes its called time management. In Nursing specially at the hospital what will you do if a patient not someone you know needs your help as you walk past the room to go home.
Pt was not yours. Morning shift is there. You have an appt or kids to get to school.
Will you walk pass the blinking light and a pt calling you come? Fyi its never 5 min . You go expect a 45 min or less.
what will you do?
An RN that is not self consumed or selfish will enter the room to make sure its not an emergency then get someone else to help or the Nurse will just do it. Pt wants to go to bathroom, walks slow, etc
life is full of situations that are unexpected and not planned.
You stated i showed her how to study smartly??
have you considered that maybe what she needs is just to take an hr. ReAd the notes to her slowly as she reads with you. Ask her did you understand that and do that every 2 to 3 sentences.
Honestly, yes you have to study but if your work ethics reflects your current actions please do some soul searching. Nursing specially on the floor is about being a team. Those that decide to be loners make the floor a nightmare and horrible for all. The word is Team.
If you arent married, nor have kids please make time for someone you call your friend. Right now you turned your back on a person with a disability. You are in school. Learn to help all types of people. The world outside school is composed of some people who know absolutely nothing in terms of medicine. Some are so elderly they cant hear yet you the RN need to do your duty and teach the patient what they need before discharge. Also the deaf, non-English speaking, all ages.
Please review and think hard of your actions. You are becoming an RN. Yes u need boundaries but that doesnt mean ignore.
If you feel you are to busy to help your friend have you at least asked someone that may say yes, called disability office, asked anyone to see if u can at least find her options.
doing nothing and ignoring someone that asks for your help is not what an RN was supposed be like.
Yes its called time management. In Nursing specially at the hospital what will you do if a patient not someone you know needs your help as you walk past the room to go home.
Pt was not yours. Morning shift is there. You have an appt or kids to get to school.
Will you walk pass the blinking light and a pt calling you come? Fyi its never 5 min . You go expect a 45 min or less.
what will you do?
An RN that is not self consumed or selfish will enter the room to make sure its not an emergency then get someone else to help or the Nurse will just do it. Pt wants to go to bathroom, walks slow, etc
life is full of situations that are unexpected and not planned.
You stated i showed her how to study smartly??
have you considered that maybe what she needs is just to take an hr. ReAd the notes to her slowly as she reads with you. Ask her did you understand that and do that every 2 to 3 sentences.
Honestly, yes you have to study but if your work ethics reflects your current actions please do some soul searching. Nursing specially on the floor is about being a team. Those that decide to be loners make the floor a nightmare and horrible for all. The word is Team.
If you arent married, nor have kids please make time for someone you call your friend. Right now you turned your back on a person with a disability. You are in school. Learn to help all types of people. The world outside school is composed of some people who know absolutely nothing in terms of medicine. Some are so elderly they cant hear yet you the RN need to do your duty and teach the patient what they need before discharge. Also the deaf, non-English speaking, all ages.
Please review and think hard of your actions. You are becoming an RN. Yes u need boundaries but that doesnt mean ignore.
If you feel you are to busy to help your friend have you at least asked someone that may say yes, called disability office, asked anyone to see if u can at least find her options.
doing nothing and ignoring someone that asks for your help is not what an RN was supposed be like.
take care
Except that she isn't being paid to be at her friends every beck and call. A friend who has ADD, not autism. She isnt helpless in the way that you are implying. I have ADD and get my own help when I need it. Also, by fixating on her friends needs, that's time wasted that should have been applied towards her own studies.
Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.
Yes its called time management. In Nursing specially at the hospital what will you do if a patient not someone you know needs your help as you walk past the room to go home.
Pt was not yours. Morning shift is there. You have an appt or kids to get to school.
Will you walk pass the blinking light and a pt calling you come? Fyi its never 5 min . You go expect a 45 min or less.
what will you do?
An RN that is not self consumed or selfish will enter the room to make sure its not an emergency then get someone else to help or the Nurse will just do it. Pt wants to go to bathroom, walks slow, etc
life is full of situations that are unexpected and not planned.
You stated i showed her how to study smartly??
have you considered that maybe what she needs is just to take an hr. ReAd the notes to her slowly as she reads with you. Ask her did you understand that and do that every 2 to 3 sentences.
Honestly, yes you have to study but if your work ethics reflects your current actions please do some soul searching. Nursing specially on the floor is about being a team. Those that decide to be loners make the floor a nightmare and horrible for all. The word is Team.
If you arent married, nor have kids please make time for someone you call your friend. Right now you turned your back on a person with a disability. You are in school. Learn to help all types of people. The world outside school is composed of some people who know absolutely nothing in terms of medicine. Some are so elderly they cant hear yet you the RN need to do your duty and teach the patient what they need before discharge. Also the deaf, non-English speaking, all ages.
Please review and think hard of your actions. You are becoming an RN. Yes u need boundaries but that doesnt mean ignore.
If you feel you are to busy to help your friend have you at least asked someone that may say yes, called disability office, asked anyone to see if u can at least find her options.
doing nothing and ignoring someone that asks for your help is not what an RN was supposed be like.
take care
No, just no. This is so wrong on so many levels. If you can't see that the OP's friend was trying to use & abuse the OP, you are blind. The OP helped her friend but it wasn't enough. The OP is taking her own classes & her friend expects her to drop everything to help her. Also the friend has taken NO responsibility for her own TWO previous failures. Why should someone go out of their way, bend over backwards to help someone when obviously the help isn't wanted. If the OP helped her friend once, but nothing changed, why should she waste any more of her time? I sure as hell wouldn't.
I had a "friend" I met in nursing school & I took A&P with her. She would never do any of her own work, she would come to class late & text on her phone during class. When this class (which was taken during the summer) was almost over, she asked to copy MY extra credit that I did all by MYSELF. Why should she benefit from MY hard work? I busted my butt to do all the homework in class PLUS the extra credit. Why should the OP help her friend if she won't be an adult about it.
By the way, that is not how a good nurse is. That is how you get railroaded by a patient & taken advantage of. It is time to grow thick skin & sometimes you have to tell patient's no. This is a perfect example.
Your post implies that the friend has some severe limitations, not the case. The friend has ADD. I'm not saying it can't make life hard but I passed nursing school with undiagnosed bipolar disorder & the friend can pass her pre reqs. Obviously the friend is just lazy & wants other people to do her work.
I would never consider the OP as a bad nurse. There are times where we must be firm with our patients. If not, you will get taken advantage of constantly & burn out very fast.
I think you should reread the OP. Because you missed the mark by a long shot.
Yes its called time management. In Nursing specially at the hospital what will you do if a patient not someone you know needs your help as you walk past the room to go home.
Pt was not yours. Morning shift is there. You have an appt or kids to get to school.
Will you walk pass the blinking light and a pt calling you come? Fyi its never 5 min . You go expect a 45 min or less.
what will you do?
An RN that is not self consumed or selfish will enter the room to make sure its not an emergency then get someone else to help or the Nurse will just do it. Pt wants to go to bathroom, walks slow, etc
life is full of situations that are unexpected and not planned.
You stated i showed her how to study smartly??
have you considered that maybe what she needs is just to take an hr. ReAd the notes to her slowly as she reads with you. Ask her did you understand that and do that every 2 to 3 sentences.
Honestly, yes you have to study but if your work ethics reflects your current actions please do some soul searching. Nursing specially on the floor is about being a team. Those that decide to be loners make the floor a nightmare and horrible for all. The word is Team.
If you arent married, nor have kids please make time for someone you call your friend. Right now you turned your back on a person with a disability. You are in school. Learn to help all types of people. The world outside school is composed of some people who know absolutely nothing in terms of medicine. Some are so elderly they cant hear yet you the RN need to do your duty and teach the patient what they need before discharge. Also the deaf, non-English speaking, all ages.
Please review and think hard of your actions. You are becoming an RN. Yes u need boundaries but that doesnt mean ignore.
If you feel you are to busy to help your friend have you at least asked someone that may say yes, called disability office, asked anyone to see if u can at least find her options.
doing nothing and ignoring someone that asks for your help is not what an RN was supposed be like.
take care
You have got to be kidding.
I'm sorry, but I could not disagree more with this post. The OP has taken time to try to help her friend. But she cannot DO IT FOR HER.
Yes its called time management. In Nursing specially at the hospital what will you do if a patient not someone you know needs your help as you walk past the room to go home.
Pt was not yours. Morning shift is there. You have an appt or kids to get to school.
Will you walk pass the blinking light and a pt calling you come? Fyi its never 5 min . You go expect a 45 min or less.
what will you do?
An RN that is not self consumed or selfish will enter the room to make sure its not an emergency then get someone else to help or the Nurse will just do it.
When we are on duty, we are being paid to see to the needs of not only our own patients, but to the unit as a whole. We are expected to help our patients, our coworkers, and visitors to our units, to be sure. Emphasis on the fact that a)we are BEING PAID and b)it's usually in our JOB DESCRIPTION.
The OP is a student and is not required to put her own educational and study needs aside to do someone else's work for them, provide intense tutoring (read her notes to her and ask her every few sentences if she understands them? REALLY?!?) in subjects the OP is not even studying. Being a true friend does NOT mean that one needs to take responsibility for another person's education. It is not her obligation to become the compensating mechanism for another person's anxiety or disability. It does not make her "selfish" if she is not capable of managing her own degree and being an on demand tutor for another person's education.
This is a very, very common thing that happens with someone who has undiagnosed or untreated ADHD/ADD and they start a new job or at key junctures of school transitions like middle to high school or high school to college or an adult going back to school after being out for a long time.
People with ADHD/ADD develop strategies to compensate in their job or studying/completing assignments that help them to be successful in the same/similar environments but in a new environment the strategies no longer work and it all starts to fall apart.
This is exactly what happened to me. I did well enough in high school, took advanced classes, and my test scores were always high. I retained all the info from class and took great notes, and generally just always understood everything, so I hardly ever had to actually study. When I got to college, my self-motivation and study habits were lousy, and with the increased intensity of the lectures I wasn't retaining info as well as I had been...which led to lower test scores. It was a BIG adjustment to shift gears and learn new ways to cope. It took two semesters of probation and dropping out to go to a community college, to help me forge those new skills. And now I'm back on track.
But I never would have dreamed of asking my friends to bail me out...in fact I refrained from seeking their assistance because I didn't want to bother them with my own failures, though I'm sure they would have been more than happy to help. I saw it as a failure to ask for help and go see a tutor...I felt I should be doing it myself. I wish I'd been able to get over that. It's one thing I wish i could go back and change.
While the adjustment from high school to college has been rough on OPs friend, I'm sure, it in no way excuses her behavior. She has plenty of options for help at her disposal, and if she refuses to use them, it's all on her, as it was on me. She's going to need to buckle down or find an alternate educational path that suits her better.
If she does not have the sense to figure out that the first person to approach for help is the instructor of the course, I highly doubt that she has the wherewithal to succeed in her program. Do not waste any more of your own energy repeating the obvious to her.
So, your friend expected you rescue her at the 11th hour? Finals week is not the time to make up for a semester's worth of poor studying. Frankly, I doubt you could have "saved her," even if you dedicated your entire finals week to the task (which would have been ill-advised). She isn't going to learn in a day or two what she has failed to learn all semester.
OP, your friend and her cheerleaders in your family and friends can't expect you to get her through school. What are you going to do? Hold her hand through all of undergrad? Take her courses in PT school? Are you going to be with her every day in her PT practice, making sure she treats patients correctly? Sorry, but she's got to stand or fall on her own two feet.
If she thinks she has ADD, she should get evaluated; she isn't qualified to self-diagnose. But don't let her use that to make you feel guilty for not rescuing her during finals.
Libby1987
3,726 Posts
I guess I have. A softer heart because I'm thinking you can have some compassion for her without feeling guilty. She's been your childhood friend for 10 years and your mother who has also known the both of you thinks you're taking a hard line with her. Maybe she needs it, or maybe she needs a boundary not laced with razor wire, I don't know, we don't know but you're both only 18 and you can set some healthy limits without having to build resentment towards her. In fact, if you can learn that skill, you will be way ahead of many people in this world.