My best friend of 10 years is having a difficult time in school where she was put on academic probation twice and received a 1.9 for her first semester of college and a 2.0 for her second semester (she believes she has ADD). So she is taking classes this summer to get back caught up with school in general.
However, she is failing her Bio 101 class and expexts me to help get her an A overnight because she thinks I know everything and don't need to study to get an A in any class I take. Yet, we are taking two different classes as I'm taking Microbiology and never once took Bio 101 as a college course.
So I wouldn't even know where to begin to help her study as I don't have a clue what she's learning. And yet she tries to make me drop everything I'm doing (my own studying time included) to come help her study.
For instance, like today she called me up telling me to come over and help her study for finals because she is not understanding the material and I told her I can't because I just got off of work and needed to study for my own finals. Then she blatantly said that I'm going to pull an A regardless since nursing is an easy major to have and get into unlike her major (physical therapy) which is harder and requires better grades. (Though I don't fault her for saying this since she doesn't know much about nursing at all).
Or when I told her that I'm meeting up with a study group from my class tomorrow for finals she got mad at me and claimed that I didn't care about her struggles and I should help her. Even though I did show and tell her how to study smartly but she completely disregarded it and wants me to give her answers and explain her class material to her that I refused to do. (And even as I type this she is texting me to forgo my study group tomorrow to come help her).
And now my friends and family are telling me that I'm wrong and act like I can't help a friend out in her time of need and I should be ashamed of myself.
At first I thought I was not in the wrong to refuse to help my friend but after being told that I do feel a little bit guilty for not doing all I can to help her and want advice from you guys on how I should've have went about the situation.
If you just got through all of this thank you for reading this long post as it was a struggle to type.
Yes, so far she hasn't blamed me for her failing and she hadn't responded to my calls or texts since that day so I can only assume she is either mad at me or the situation.
Good grief.
Two choices now.
1) Continue to endure pathetic, passive aggressive melodrama from an immature, whimpering woman who will NEVER be a physical therapist.
Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.
Yes, so far she hasn't blamed me for her failing and she hadn't responded to my calls or texts since that day so I can only assume she is either mad at me or the situation.
I think it's obvious what her friendship is. She only wanted you to hold her hand & spoon feed her Biology. When that didn't happen, she blamed it on you. Move on from her, you don't need someone like that in your life. You are a much better person than her. She can make statements about how much harder PT school is vs. nursing, but she hasn't been to school as a PT & she never will.
Yes, so far she hasn't blamed me for her failing and she hadn't responded to my calls or texts since that day so I can only assume she is either mad at me or the situation.
What an infant. Don't waste your time on her anymore. She doesn't have what it takes to be a PT and if you don't tell her F-Off, and soon, she's going to take you down with her.
Yes, so far she hasn't blamed me for her failing and she hadn't responded to my calls or texts since that day so I can only assume she is either mad at me or the situation.
That behavior is an attempt to manipulate you. She's cut off communication to punish you for not helping her. You don't need to feed her pettiness by continuing to try to contact her when she's ignoring you.
The reason why i commented on your post is because I also like your friend suffered understanding. It was so hard but you know who pulled me even when I thought i couldnt. The people that cared enough.
Im not 18 im older and started older. The friends that were there were all high achievers and just helped me. Finally i learned how to learn. What to do etc.
for chem my friend no lie- 8hrs daily but i passed. He was a Bio major. Later in life when things happened in his life guess who was there me.
My best friend in Nsg school. Not only was he the leader of study groups but straight A student. young, busy but everywhere he was I was too. He supported me. Later in life my bff mom lost her fight to Cancer. Before she passed i had to go over and bathe her after having a bm that yes was very messy. My friend in tears called and I ran to be there. When my friend disclosed something society is still divided on. I not only supported but was the only person that knew. Now my bff not only has gotten blessed but lives a good RN.
All im saying, the same friend that needs you now can be your greatest support and be there for you on a really tough day when you cant do it alone.
look read my post again.
Tell your friend to register at disabilities office but go with her. She may feel stupi and dumb. Also she may feel like a failure and wortless.
the other thing once she does that then sit her down and suggest she takes certain classes alone and even if her program is longer is better then failing.
i took all a&p 1 at a time with electives like tennis, swimming.
telling teachers is tough. Some look at you like a waste of space others do help you. You cannot just ask for help. Having a disability really sucks. Having 3 sucks worse.
be a good friend. The faster you helpher get set up with a plan the faster the load and weight will decrease on you. I get your situation but if you don't help her who will. Friends dont leave friends behind.
there is always a solution. Dont stress so much. But please take her to register its rasy and confidential. They also can help find what tools she needs to learn and also help her
The reason why i commented on your post is because I also like your friend suffered understanding. It was so hard but you know who pulled me even when I thought i couldnt. The people that cared enough.
Im not 18 im older and started older. The friends that were there were all high achievers and just helped me. Finally i learned how to learn. What to do etc.
for chem my friend no lie- 8hrs daily but i passed. He was a Bio major. Later in life when things happened in his life guess who was there me.
My best friend in Nsg school. Not only was he the leader of study groups but straight A student. young, busy but everywhere he was I was too. He supported me. Later in life my bff mom lost her fight to Cancer. Before she passed i had to go over and bathe her after having a bm that yes was very messy. My friend in tears called and I ran to be there. When my friend disclosed something society is still divided on. I not only supported but was the only person that knew. Now my bff not only has gotten blessed but lives a good RN.
All im saying, the same friend that needs you now can be your greatest support and be there for you on a really tough day when you cant do it alone.
Clara, I'm glad that you have friends who were able to help you academically and that you reciprocated by supporting them in other ways. That's not the situation OP is describing, though.
Needing academic help doesn't mean a friendship is one-sided, but insulting a friend's program, getting angry that they don't feel capable of learning their own material while learning AND teaching you yours, not utilizing the tools they've offered you, not utilizing any other resources at your fingertips, AND giving your friend the could shoulder when you fail, as though it is her fault... well, that is very unhealthy behavior.
Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.
The reason why i commented on your post is because I also like your friend suffered understanding. It was so hard but you know who pulled me even when I thought i couldnt. The people that cared enough.
Im not 18 im older and started older. The friends that were there were all high achievers and just helped me. Finally i learned how to learn. What to do etc.
for chem my friend no lie- 8hrs daily but i passed. He was a Bio major. Later in life when things happened in his life guess who was there me.
My best friend in Nsg school. Not only was he the leader of study groups but straight A student. young, busy but everywhere he was I was too. He supported me. Later in life my bff mom lost her fight to Cancer. Before she passed i had to go over and bathe her after having a bm that yes was very messy. My friend in tears called and I ran to be there. When my friend disclosed something society is still divided on. I not only supported but was the only person that knew. Now my bff not only has gotten blessed but lives a good RN.
All im saying, the same friend that needs you now can be your greatest support and be there for you on a really tough day when you cant do it alone.
look read my post again.
Tell your friend to register at disabilities office but go with her. She may feel stupi and dumb. Also she may feel like a failure and wortless.
the other thing once she does that then sit her down and suggest she takes certain classes alone and even if her program is longer is better then failing.
i took all a&p 1 at a time with electives like tennis, swimming.
telling teachers is tough. Some look at you like a waste of space others do help you. You cannot just ask for help. Having a disability really sucks. Having 3 sucks worse.
be a good friend. The faster you helpher get set up with a plan the faster the load and weight will decrease on you. I get your situation but if you don't help her who will. Friends dont leave friends behind.
there is always a solution. Dont stress so much. But please take her to register its rasy and confidential. They also can help find what tools she needs to learn and also help her
Did you read the OP's posts? I feel like you haven't. The OP said she helped her before but wanted more. The OP's friend was put in academic probation not once but TWICE. If the friend can't get it together by the third time, that's all the friend's fault. It is no one's responsibility but the friend's to seek help & get her grades up. I feel like you're trying to show the friend in a better light than she really deserves.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. That is the case for this person. She helped her once but did not take any of the advice. Also, it is NOT the OP's responsibility to hold her friend's hand through school or take her to get diagnosed for ADD. If the friend can't pull up her grown up panties & be an adult about school, that's the FRIEND'S fault.
Her actions speak louder than words & the fact that she has been put on academic probation TWICE & is not ignoring the OP is saying she thinks the OP should've spoon fed her everything. That IS not how friendship works. Did you read the post where the OP said her friend wanted to literally drop everything to help her study? What kind of friend is that?!
I wouldn't keep a friend around who is like that. If you would, that's your choice. But many people wouldn't & shouldn't. The friend is an adult & needs to do thinks on her OWN! It's one thing to help a friend & then the friend helps you, sure. But in this situation that did not happen. The friend wanted all the help, at no cost. She didn't even care if the OP skipped out on studying for her own class. I think you need to reread the OP's posts & redefine who you call friends.
Please OP, ignore this advice. You have no reason to help your "friend" when she hasn't helped herself. This is probably the worst advice I've seen on this thread. Your friend is a user & always will be. It's best to move on from her.
. . . I can't help but to feel guilty, however I know there was nothing I really could do to help her.
Okay, so first of all, I'd like to suggest to you that you reconsider this particular part of your thought process. I'd like to see you re-name your feeling labeled "guilty" with "empathize" or "sympathize", as either of those would be appropriate. It's natural to feel bad for someone that you care about when they don't do well. The truth is, she's probably a very smart and capable girl who, regardless of whether or not she's ADHD/ADD, has developed some really bad practices/habits when it comes to school. If she is ADHD/ADD, some might even call them survival skills. I'm ADHD/ADD, ALL THREE of my kids are ADHD/ADD. My son in particular had a REAL problem with it because not only was he incredibly intelligent, but he was LAZY! ALL THE WAY through elementary school and middle school the boy simply made NO effort to do homework. Not sure he ever really turned in a single page of homework after about the third grade. Just wouldn't do it. He LITERALLY FAILED ALL THE WAY THROUGH UP TO HIGH SCHOOL!!! But because at the end of the year he'd make 3's & 4's on the end of grade testing, he was promoted on to the next grade! It INFURIATED me! It also didn't help matters that because he was so smart, he was also SO bored. But things being what they were, there was NOTHING that I could do about it (LONG story!) But when he hit high school, he found out the joy ride was OVER! He ended up graduating a year late, with his younger sister. OUCH! It was a HARD lesson for him. But the point is, sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to LET them fall on their face. The SOONER it happens, the sooner they can begin to work on their issues, begin to learn responsibility. Were I to be frank, and honest with you, you have unintentionally been an enabler to her behavior. THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT YOUR FAULT! But it's still an important thing to recognize! We LEARN from lessons like these! You clearly ALSO got something out of this relationship being this way, or you WOULDN'T have done the things for her that you did for her over the years. Were I to guess, if probably fed your confidence and self esteem a bit. (Which isn't an all bad thing) But you might want to think about what YOU got out of the relationship that made it worth YOU doing HER work. (It's just a thought . . .you might find it helpful going into other relationships) Because you cared about her and were so young when you met, you didn't understand what was happening between you, in terms of the dynamics of the relationship. For what ever reason, it clearly worked for you throughout the years. But NOW you do understand it, at least to some extent. It sounds like you are seeing things VERY clearly for the first time. So this is truly about both of you reaching a critical juncture in life and relationship management, and maturity. Bottom line, you're growing up. What's worked for you in the past, isn't work anymore. She maybe growing, but it's clearly not in the same direction, or in an UPWARD direction. Stunted or lateral growth is not a good growth.
I would personally try to sit down with her and in a lovingly, kind way, talk with her. (It truly is possible to have hard conversations in compassionate ways!) Explain to her that you care very much for her, your not wanting be rid of her as a friend, but that you've identified some relational patterns that the two of you have developed over the years that are clearly not healthy for either one of you. And that you care ENOUGH about her that you'd like to try to work through them with her, if she'll allow it to happen. But that there MUST be some "new relationship rules and boundaries" put into place or you are afraid that the relationship won't survive. I would in fact, look VERY HARD at some/all of the comments made here, as there have been some extremely insightful things said to you about this relationship. She doesn't need to know that you posted anything here, in fact, she might be really upset about that. I'm not suggesting you lie to her in any way, but just be careful with what you share with her about it, as she might actually see it as a betrayal. Maybe suggest to her that she seek out the appt with the psychologist/psychiatrist to be evaluated for the ADHD/ADD and offer to go with her the first time to take some of the "scary" out of it for her. Make positive suggestions, and show her that you're in fact willing to be a TRUE friend and be supportive of her, but the days of DOING IT FOR HER, are just flat over! That it MUST be that way, for BOTH of you to grow and be healthy. You OBVIOUSLY care very much for her or you wouldn't be so bothered by the whole thing. But, I will tell you to be prepared. She's probably NOT going to like what you have to say. And, she may completely reject the whole thing. But you are at a crossroads in this friendship. Make NO mistake about that. The ball will be in her court. SHE will decide what is and isn't important to her. But that said, don't forget that she's human and on the best of days, we all do deal with a certain bit of pride. So, if she gets upset or rejects the idea from the onset, she'll either stomp off in a tantrum after giving you a piece of her mind, or she may just get up and leave telling you that she doesn't have to put up with this crap and its all your fault because YOU let her down. Change is HARD. And it's harder for some than for others. If she does throw a tantrum, fine. let her do it. Allow her to get up and leave. Then give her a few days to calm down and either come back to you and say, okay, maybe you have a point, lets try it. OR if that doesn't happen, send her a text msg or email telling her you just wanted to check on her and make sure she was doing okay and that you care about her and if she changes her mind, to just let you know. Like the old saying says, 'You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink!" However, sometimes, I'm not so sure you can even lead them to the water hole!
All that said, if you do decide to sit down and talk to her about a new way of approaching your friendship and life in general, make sure to meet her in a neutral place so that you can both have the breathing room to get up and leave without it being a problem if you need to. You are ALSO ALLOWED to get up and leave if she begins to become verbally abusive. Don't allow her to "bully" you or walk over you like a door mat. That wouldn't be good or helpful for either of you.
But in closing, I just want to remind you that sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to just be honest. Again, in a kind and compassionate way. How she handles it will be the deciding factor. It's ENTIRELY up to her. If she gets angry and blows you off, curses at you, blames you for all the trouble, you may have to except that this is just not going to be a healthy relationship for you and it will be time to sadly move on. You ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT help someone that DOES NOT WANT to be helped!
I do so hope it works out for you! The way you want it too!
I agree. In that sense yes. I did the walk the talk and did not blame or get angry at anyone for not having time. My first time around in chem my bff was busy but started their "life" at that point i didnt know where or what was going on. Well my bff was not around for that class due to their own situation. Well i failed chem and trying to pass i failed my nsg lecture class also. 2 strikes my first real semester with nursing classes. I had to wait a year and got pushed back.
i failed because i did not depend on me and take chemistry alone. I should of made a decision based on what I could handle. I wasn't responsible. So i learned a lot.
so if her friend is acting less than thankful she should tell her friend her disability is her responsability as an adult. Getting help doesnt mean you give the driver seat for someone to drive for you.
ADD is manageable and its the person's responsability to seek and get the necessary tools like a recorder. No one told me to do everything i did. I learned by doing.
so yes i was the annoying classmate with the tape recorder clicking when it stopped and I ran to switch the tape. Ofcourse my recorder had to be exactly by the professor. I still poked and asked the teacher in class immediately when i was not clear. Although i was loved by my huge class ithey all wanted to kill me lol. Yet all that and more here I am.
my advice to our new friend walk away let her learn no matter what the disability you can still do if the person fights for it. In my opinion the friend has to learn.
you are all intelligent ladies and thank you for kindly explaining what I missed on the thread that makes alot of difference.
lastly, don't speak to her until you get at least an apology then you put down the law and let her know the boundaries because shes wrong.
Nursing is a hard major and it's sink or swim, so you better worry about keeping your grades up because it's harder to get out of a hole then it is to stay afloat. It takes more than one bad grade to get a 1.9 so if her degree program isn't working for her, then maybe she should talk to the counselor. She needs to figure out her learning style and tailor her studying habits to it, so she can understand what she's reading. You are responsible for your grades and I would screen her needy calls and avoid them like the plague. It might be harsh, but if she cared about you, then she wouldn't put your grades at risk. In nursing school, you learn how to let go of the rubbish and focus on what's important. I don't know about you, but I worked like a dog to get those A's and B's in school and I cried more than once and I didn't let anything stop me. I have friends that I didn't talk to for months and we are STILL FRIENDS. Cut her off until school ends and see if she still wants to be your friend.
Ha I would not be helping her. Friends are suppose to motivate you and support you; NOT drag you down with them to sink. I refuse to have a friend like that. I have older friends now because people my age are not as determined as me to get an education. I finish up my LPN program in a few days and it has been a challenging year. She will not make it to be a PT with those kinds of grades and her attitude. She needs to grow up and I feel you need to take a break from her. That is not a true friend IMHO. Nursing school is no joke and you have to be focused.
Nursing is a hard major and it's sink or swim, so you better worry about keeping your grades up because it's harder to get out of a hole then it is to stay afloat. It takes more than one bad grade to get a 1.9 so if her degree program isn't working for her, then maybe she should talk to the counselor. She needs to figure out her learning style and tailor her studying habits to it, so she can understand what she's reading. You are responsible for your grades and I would screen her needy calls and avoid them like the plague. It might be harsh, but if she cared about you, then she wouldn't put your grades at risk. In nursing school, you learn how to let go of the rubbish and focus on what's important. I don't know about you, but I worked like a dog to get those A's and B's in school and I cried more than once and I didn't let anything stop me. I have friends that I didn't talk to for months and we are STILL FRIENDS. Cut her off until school ends and see if she still wants to be your friend.
You are absolutely right about everything you said! I have friends and they understand that I can't be with them or talk to them all the time. I cut off so many friends after high school because they just were not doing anything in their life.
Emergent, RN
4,300 Posts
Good grief.
Two choices now.
1) Continue to endure pathetic, passive aggressive melodrama from an immature, whimpering woman who will NEVER be a physical therapist.
OR:
MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!!