Am I overstepping my boundaries? WWYD?

caliotter3 · Jul 19, 2015

As soon as I heard that she did not receive her $1000 deposit because of damage my dog did, I would have put the $1000 in her hand, or as a minimum, paid her what I could afford, with the remainder paid at a later date. That is the appropriate response for the pet damage.

Friends put in good words for each other as a matter of everyday operations, assuming that a positive recommendation is warranted. This is not done in a "tit for tat" fashion or as a do-over for some slight, dog slight included.

BeachsideRN, ASN · Jul 19, 2015

I understand that as it relates to the damage your dog cost them, they told you to "forget it." But you, being a person of integrity and character, know full well that to leave it at that would be a huge ethical breech.
Buy a $300 gift card at Babys R Us. Give it to them with a nice card saying "I haven't forgotten your generosity in forgiving my part in your losing your $1000 deposit after my dog damaged your rental. Please accept this first installment with my love and congratulations on your beautiful baby."
They aren't going to turn that down. And then DO follow up with another $700 at intervals. Do NOT let "life happen" to the extent that you do not consider this a valid debt deserving of immediate action. It most certainly should weigh on your conscience until it is paid off, and it will be a big load off your shoulders when you have it behind you.
Good luck.

I think this is the best advice. However, I would suggest a target of Walmart baby card. Babies r us is expensive and sometimes non baby things are more needed for first time parents.

NurseGirl525, ASN, RN · Jul 19, 2015

I'm sorry, but is anyone else laughing that the OP is saving up this $1000 and going to "surprise" them? To me, the surprise is that you didn't pay them in the beginning. Three years later, they may get $300? You thought this would open doors for her? How do you know three years later she even wants this still? Maybe, if when this had happened, you had told them to get an estimate for the repair of this, it would not be costing a $1000. You had no idea how much this cost until you heard they didn't get their deposit back. They were trying to be polite to you by saying don't worry about it. They didn't want to seem like demanding friends. YOUR dog messed up THEIR property. They probably knew you were in a financial bind. That still doesn't make it ok.

And now, you want to mess with her education as some kind of what? Help or to alleviate your guilt over what you should have done in the first place. You trying to "help" by talking to the friend of a friend will not open doors for her, it will just close some. Act like an adult and pay your responsibilities.

I tell you, the stuff that actually runs through people's minds...........

:banghead:

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Jul 19, 2015

Nice impulse, but probably misguided as it's based in an incomplete understanding of how nursing education works at that level. If your BFF was the director of the program it MIGHT (just might, not would) be a friendly gesture to mention your friend applying to her program (or job, whatever it was), and saying no more since it's really not your area of expertise. Your opinion won't carry much weight and if her target thought she had asked you to interfere in this way, it could very well backfire....and that, she wouldn't forgive as readily as doggy-damage. So probably time for you to say to yourself, "Not my circus, not my monkeys. What else could I do to assuage my conscience?"

I think the gift card for the baby stuff is brilliant, and will be very appreciated in more ways than one even if it's several years overdue. You can believe that even if they told you to "forget it" at the time because they thought you couldn't afford it then, they're still telling people about the time that happened. Own it now that you are older and wiser, and do what you can to repair that hole in the fabric of your friendship. Yes, "life happening" and all, it needs repairing. Do it.

jena5111, ASN, RN · Jul 20, 2015

Money is a tricky, sticky thing and should be addressed before other factors.

A couple of years back, I took a coworker to the ER who had been bitten by a dog while riding her bike to our workplace. She emerged from the ER without a ride home or money for prescriptions so...I picked her up and grabbed her prescriptions from the pharmacy (she was in my car upon pick-up) half-delirious from pain meds and generally upset. The prescriptions cost upward of $80. I swiped my debit card at the pharmacy drive-thru.

When this coworker was terminated for no call/no show a few weeks later, after months of attendance issues, I knew I'd probably never see that money--which meant a lot to me at the time--but I thought was worth it to help a coworker in need. Sure enough, she unfriended me on Facebook, moved out of state, and I've never heard from her again.

My point is that money can cause a lot of friction between people, even simpatico types. If you didn't meet your financial obligation to someone who needed it, you have created an awkward situation despite other measures.

Agree with GrnTea that you can repair this. Adult, grown-up friendships are resilient and respond well to direct intervention (when folks don't move away and ignore you, haha). I wish you luck!

BuckyBadgerRN, ASN, RN · Jul 20, 2015

People say that to be polite, not because they truly mean it (at least in 98% of the time). Would YOU be able to forget $1,000 because of someone's ill-behaved dog? You didn't train your dog, made your former friend eat $1,000 AND walked away from it all. A true friend doesn't do this.

Forgot to mention they told me when I did offer to pay, to 'forget it' they know it was an accident. I was still invited to hangouts but I never went and life happened. At time incident happened I didn't have the funds. I have 300 saved thus far because I know it's right even though they said not to worry. I did ask if they got their deposit back and that's how I know they didnr. . So I haven't told them I'm paying them back its a surprise. But it's never left my mind to help them back even if it's not financially. Sidenote:: I didn't see an issue with helping out in this way if I could, this would open doors for her future in multiple ways. She was chosen as a NICU nurse right out of college. From grapevine she's amazing. So idk why she wasn't accepted. **But no need to be nasty. I'm being honest here and looking for advice.

NurseGirl525, ASN, RN · Jul 20, 2015

Money is a tricky, sticky thing and should be addressed before other factors.
A couple of years back, I took a coworker to the ER who had been bitten by a dog while riding her bike to our workplace. She emerged from the ER without a ride home or money for prescriptions so...I picked her up and grabbed her prescriptions from the pharmacy (she was in my car upon pick-up) half-delirious from pain meds and generally upset. The prescriptions cost upward of $80. I swiped my debit card at the pharmacy drive-thru.
When this coworker was terminated for no call/no show a few weeks later, after months of attendance issues, I knew I'd probably never see that money--which meant a lot to me at the time--but I thought was worth it to help a coworker in need. Sure enough, she unfriended me on Facebook, moved out of state, and I've never heard from her again.
My point is that money can cause a lot of friction between people, even simpatico types. If you didn't meet your financial obligation to someone who needed it, you have created an awkward situation despite other measures.
Agree with GrnTea that you can repair this. Adult, grown-up friendships are resilient and respond well to direct intervention (when folks don't move away and ignore you, haha). I wish you luck!

This post is absolutely correct. I loaned a friend in need a couple of thousand dollars a couple of years ago. I truly thought she was my friend. I was promised it would be paid back when she got her taxes back the following year. She had two children and she played to my sense of decency and told me they would have to live in her car and her animals would starve. Then I starting noticing all of the things she was going to buy with her tax check. Buying all kinds of expensive things and planning a cruise with her boyfriend at the time. She wanted me to pay for her kids Christmas because I would get paid back with her tax money. The list of Christmas presents included a Xbox 1, this when they cost over 700 dollars, and a tablet and American Girl doll for her daughter. I just needed to understand that her kids were almost teenagers and this is what teenagers ask for. She can't very well get her daughter a barbie doll can she? The gravy train got cut there.

Guess what happened in January? I got a call that she wasn't getting as much as she thought on her taxes. One of her kid's dad claimed something. I don't know, I tuned her out when I heard I wasn't getting my money back. My response was don't worry about it. It took me a very long time to get right with not getting my money back, but what cut deeper was the obvious fact that she was not really my friend or she would have done whatever to get my money back. I could honestly not sleep knowing I had not paid someone back when I said I would. She was with me while I was going through my divorce. She had an idea that I would not be in the poorhouse. She actually had the gall to ask me to pay for her to go to Hawaii. Then she sat there and made a comment in front of her son she would not be able to watch him compete at nationals in Hawaii because she didn't have the money. I watched her crush her son's spirit to get me to pay for a trip. We were going there so our son's could compete in a national competition. His dad was paying for him to go and the had sold a lot at fundraisers to pay his way. I was left speechless. After that, I distanced myself from her. And yes, I still support her on Facebook. Lol. Just like everyone else.

I realized this is how she has gotten through life, begging for money from people, crying about how hard her life is and it sucks being poor and she is just so sick. But has never really worked a job before for longer than a month. She makes terrible money decisions when she does get money. I see a FB post about her whining she is so poor, and then that night checking in eating dinner at Olive Garden. I'm sure somebody gave her something somewhere. Her and I did not speak for months when I got a random text message about what I was doing with my old bedroom furniture because she had heard I was getting new. I tried to move my old one myself and it had broken completely. She wanted it!!!!! I told her it was broken, not usable. I had tried to fix it, even screwing it back together and gorilla gluing it. It was unfixable and I paid the delivery guys $10 to take it away. She upbruptly stopped talking to me mid-conversation once she learned she wasn't getting my bed.

I didn't go to her recent bridal shower or wedding nor did she receive a gift from me. She's gone on FB and my phone. I don't care to ever talk to her again.

I know this situation is a little more extreme than the OPs, but I wanted to illustrate what happens when you mix money and friendship. The distancing on FB and not really talking but to make small talk was the beginning. Two years later, she is cut out of my life completely. I felt completely taken advantage of. Completely and I honestly thought this person was a very good friend of mine. If it were me, OP, and I had let this go on, I would just go and say hey, I know this doesn't make up for it, but here is some money and I am working on the rest. Give them a time frame you can stick to. You may find you can repair the friendship. I think that is what you are essentially trying to do here, repair it. I think you feel very guilty about it and want the friendship back.

Emergent, RN · Jul 20, 2015

Heather, without going into as much detail as you provided, I've experienced similar. Once you've enable bloodsuckers, they return again when hungry.

Emergent, RN · Jul 20, 2015

Heathermaizy, without going into as much detail as you provided, I've experienced similar. Once you've enable bloodsuckers, they return again when hungry.

mclennan, BSN, RN · Jul 20, 2015

I cannot believe some of the posts here. I'd swear this is a joke if I sadly didn't believe it to be true.

I fear for nursing's future if this is the quality of intellect and character populating it.

Velarey · Jul 21, 2015

I'm planning to pay her back! To those with good advice thanks :). I wish my the best!

Horseshoe, BSN, RN · Jul 21, 2015

I'm planning to pay her back! To those with good advice thanks :). I wish my the best!

I hope you'll go ahead and start now with the $300 gift card. The longer you put it off in order to "save ALL the money," the less likely it is that you will ever do it.

Good luck.