Alternative to spanking

[HeartsOpenWide]

I had very lax parents myself. I can remember being spanked once in my entire life. I got grounded a few times once I reached high school and for good reasons, but other than that I didn't really receive discipline much from my parents. My husbands family on the other hand is in favor of spanking; at one point I though I was too but am now against it...but still have to stifle laughs when I hear a parent say, "use your words" to a kid throwing a tantrum; maybe because I am yet to see this work.

I am in Community Nursing this semester. The placement I am at has a brochure on why you should not spank. The brochure was very informative on why you should not spank but it lacked any information on alternative ways to correct behavior/discipline. I chose not to had this out because I felt the information was not complete. Not being a parent yet myself, I did not feel equip to give alternatives if asked once the brochure was read and the client found that no alternatives were included.

Suggestions would be appreciated.

[leslie :-D]

i'm very much against physical punishment.

there are more reasons other than fear, to punish.

we need to teach our kids what they did wrong and how any adversities should be handled.

the way we parent our children, teaches them either what we did do right, or what we didn't.

i had a horrific childhood so most of my parenting skills were learned on my own.

actually, it was because of my role models/parents that i knew what i would never do to my kids.

when they become teens, i'm not always against life being a teacher.

one of my sons recently did something, in spite of punishment/taking away privileges and doing everything humanly possible to stop him in his tracks.

finally i threw up my hands, and let fate take over.

he got arrested and i didn't bail him out.

i let him sit in jail overnight and then had him go to court in the morning, w/o either of his parents there.

well, that was enough to scare the living crap out of him.

sometimes as parents, we end up doing too much for our kids, much to their disadvantage.

my job isn't to always protect them, rather, to let them learn.

(sorry, i'm rambling)

however we parent, i will never see the necessity in resorting to hitting.

more important than making them fearful, it's much more beneficial in getting them to understand and take responsibility for their mistakes.

i'd much rather elicit understanding from them, than fear.

leslie

[twistedpupchaser]

I am wondering from some of the posts if as long as it is not a physical punishment it is OK? I have seen parents who use shame and other emotional abuse to systematicaly destroy a childs confidence. A friend of mine told me that he would rather have been belted than to be continually told that he was a "bad apple" from bad genetics. This is someone who on getting a "B' in a report card would be made to feel shame that he was not smart enough.

This same person skipped school and took up risky behaviours and started to live up to the expectations he was given, (imagine being told you would be dead before the age of 20 because of "personality type"). It wasn't until his late 20's, early 30's that he saw himself as having any worth, he got an education and moved on with the demons stil snapping at his ankles.

While I am not saying any posters here would do this, I think there are those who think that corporal punishment is wrong, in any form. I however, think that like anything corporal punishment has extremes, same as the non-physical punishments.

[leslie :-D]

i agree 100%, twisted...

that punishment should always be constructive and therapeutic.

emotional abuse and humiliation are totally unacceptable and should never, ever occur.

absolutely.

leslie

[tolerantgirl]

As far as the spanking goes for deterring bad behavior, I don't know if that works. I can honestly say that for about 5 years, I completely lived life on the edge and it is a miracle I am here today. I think all the hitting caused me to have extremely low self esteem. And the first guy I chose to be with ended up physically abusing me. I took it because that was all I knew. Like I said, I was a good kid. Yes I made mistakes, made C's in math all the time, talked back some, but I was a good kid. I was not perfect. I did not deserve to be hit with a belt that left bruises on my body. Hitting is barbaric. A bigger person using fear and violence to intimidate someone into being good. I don't understand how we as a society can have all these technological advances i.e. space exploration and think that hitting another human being is ok. Children depend on us, they trust us, they have no one to protect them except their parent and when the parent hits, it destroys trust, it gives birth to resentment, pain, emotionally and physically, IT BREAKS THE SPIRIT. It is not worth it. Yes, it is a quick fix, a quick deterrent, but why not take the time to work on the issues. It means you might actually have to sit down and have a conversation with your child. I guess most parents don't have the time to do that. Make time. I am not a perfect parent either but I know my kids are not afraid of me and they respect me.

[Baloney Amputation, BSN, LPN, RN]

I am wondering from some of the posts if as long as it is not a physical punishment it is OK? I have seen parents who use shame and other emotional abuse to systematicaly destroy a childs confidence. A friend of mine told me that he would rather have been belted than to be continually told that he was a "bad apple" from bad genetics. This is someone who on getting a "B' in a report card would be made to feel shame that he was not smart enough.

This same person skipped school and took up risky behaviours and started to live up to the expectations he was given, (imagine being told you would be dead before the age of 20 because of "personality type"). It wasn't until his late 20's, early 30's that he saw himself as having any worth, he got an education and moved on with the demons stil snapping at his ankles.

While I am not saying any posters here would do this, I think there are those who think that corporal punishment is wrong, in any form. I however, think that like anything corporal punishment has extremes, same as the non-physical punishments.

No--my brother and I often said that we wished we had been beat than go through what we had gone through. (That is in no way to detract from people who were physically abused--I hope no one takes it that way.) It was a source of pride for my mother, even to this day, to say that she never hit us. (That's a lie of hers in her own reality, too, but spanking wasn't a daily ritual by any means.) We were up against some pretty gnarly mental illness and apathy from our dad that was actually pretty astonishing. I had no idea that parents actually liked their kids, didn't tell them they shouldn't have been born, they couldn't stand to see the sight of them, and they were worthless and useless, etc., and also didn't make fun of them behind closed doors until I had a boyfriend when I was 18 where I saw how his family acted--no freaking joke. I look at my children and wonder how a parent can say they are a mistake. Being on the side of abuse that I was on, I also wonder how parents can do any kind of thing that induces such fear in their child. A child who is verbally and emotionally abused is also afraid.

Again, judicious spanking is one thing, and having the kid know who is the boss is too, but it is awfully easy to spank a child when the PARENT is having a temper tantrum and doesn't know what else to do besides get physical, or in other cases like mine, get verbally abusive. That is wrong. It is certainly nothing to be proud of when a parent physically hurts a child. It's a bit of an unfair match--woo hoo, you kicked a 3-year-old's butt. Rock on. (I mean this in general, not "you" to anyone in particular.)

[litbitblack, ASN, RN]

I'm totally against making a spectacle of yourself in public like this. Slapping kids in the store is wrong. You should never be unwilling to remove your child from a store, restaurant, church or other public venue.

Children do sometimes take advantage of us being in public, or us being with our friends or family, counting on the fact that we might let it slide rather than make a scene. But, we should pull the child aside to disciple, not slap in public. That's just lazy and disrespectful in my opinion.

I am not one bit unwilling to remove my child from a store and i personally havent(except one time) spanked my child in a store but that does not mean I wouldn't do it. My kids know that it does not matter where we are it will be taken care of right then. Why should i have to remove them from a place to discipline them? If you see it and don't like oh well. THats your opinion. My daughter got slapped because she called me a whore because she is 13 and thinks shes the boss and could leave the house because she WANTED to and she has times she thinks she can do whatever she wants. Sticking her in time out or grounding her for that specific name calling(had it been something else maybe a different punishment.) Basically if you have tried every kind of discipline and nothing else works then ya spank em. I know I didn't repeat the stuff I got spankings for. And for those that every other kind of discipline works for you, good. I am glad. I reserve the spanking for major things because the other things i do work.

[SharonH, RN]

I am very much against physical punishment. My mother spanked us because it was acceptable at the team to "whip" your children if they acted out. 90% of the stuff she whipped us for, all she had to do was say "stop" or use some other form of deterrent as punishment. Funny thing, my father never ever whipped us but we didn't dare act out around him because his disapproval was enough to keep us in line. One stern look and all misbehavior ceased. My husband has the same gift and frankly, so do I. My kids do not want to make me angry.

I don't follow anyone else's child-rearing philosophy, I just try to do what's right for the crime. And I always follow through. My kids are very well-behaved. Of course it depends on what your expectations for your kids are too. Just because they fidget or touch things in the store doesn't mean they are being bad or deserve punishment, childhood curiosity is normal. I hate to see people hit kids for acting like kids.

[snowdog85]

I agree every child is different. What works for some won't for others. I have a difficult time feeling as if I may have embarrassed my child in public however. I remember having those types of feelings growing up and it made me very self conscious as a young adult. IMO punishment should be reserved for a time when it's appropriate. As the child matures and understands more about self-control they will thank you for it and hopefully approach matters in the same manner.

[snowdog85]

Reflecting on this thread made me realize something. Most people who believe in physical punishment were disciplined the same way as children. Does this say something about our human nature and how, for the most part, children trust and believe what their parents do, or have done, is acceptable, even into our adulthood? Look at children in foster-care that have been horrifically abused and still defend their parents till the end.

[RedhairedNurse, BSN, RN]

foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. proverbs 22:15

another scripture....can't seem to find right now, but it says....."spare the rod, spoil the child."

i believe in gentle spankings....but only without parental anger. it must be in a responsible manner.

i used to spank my daughter on the bottom when she was younger. imo, it wasn't really the spanking but the fact she was in trouble that made the most impact. now at present, she has learned to mind her parents and is very respectful. now that she is older, punishment usually results in getting priveledges removed, which is very seldom. i just believe one has to get a handle on their children at an early age.

[Baloney Amputation, BSN, LPN, RN]

We can let children know they are in trouble in other ways than spanking them.

[litbitblack, ASN, RN]

Reflecting on this thread made me realize something. Most people who believe in physical punishment were disciplined the same way as children. Does this say something about our human nature and how, for the most part, children trust and believe what their parents do, or have done, is acceptable, even into our adulthood? Look at children in foster-care that have been horrifically abused and still defend their parents till the end.

Because a childs love his unconditional....I only remember being spanked a couple of times in my childhood. Most of my punishment was being grounded....oh and i thank my dad for that because he able to stand by it even when i whined and huffed and puffed because i wanted to go somewhere. I say let the punishment fit the crime and if it comes down to it then they may need a spanking. But every child reacts differently to every situation so it really is a learn as you aspect. For me, mine are older now so for the very occasional slap across the face as i said earlier, they don't get spankings. lol. they are too big and i would be angry by the time i fought with them to do it. more productive taking the computer and fone friends away than trying to wrestle with them. But when they are younger and everything else doesn't work yeah try a spanking