Alternative to spanking

[HeartsOpenWide]

I had very lax parents myself. I can remember being spanked once in my entire life. I got grounded a few times once I reached high school and for good reasons, but other than that I didn't really receive discipline much from my parents. My husbands family on the other hand is in favor of spanking; at one point I though I was too but am now against it...but still have to stifle laughs when I hear a parent say, "use your words" to a kid throwing a tantrum; maybe because I am yet to see this work.

I am in Community Nursing this semester. The placement I am at has a brochure on why you should not spank. The brochure was very informative on why you should not spank but it lacked any information on alternative ways to correct behavior/discipline. I chose not to had this out because I felt the information was not complete. Not being a parent yet myself, I did not feel equip to give alternatives if asked once the brochure was read and the client found that no alternatives were included.

Suggestions would be appreciated.

[Atheos]

None of my children would have ever dared to call me a whore, however, so I contend that you lost control of your daughter a long time ago. Yes, I have a 12 year old and 14 year old daughters, I can't imagine spanking or slapping them!

That's kind of judgmental.

My parents commanded legions of soldiers and knew the ins and outs of discipline. They NEVER had control over me. From your method of discipline I can pretty much say I would be a completely different person today. Mostly due to being dead or in prison.

At 13 I was stealing, robbing, drinking, using drugs and a whole host of other things. To be honest, I started the downhill slide at around 7. By 17 I was on that final fork in the road between prison and a normal life.

Children don't develop in a cookie cutter mold. There are many things that influence children. I just happened to be angry, and bipolar. Not even the multitude of counselors, psychiatrists or psychologists could get control of me.

I am truly serious when I say that your method of discipline would have been wholly ineffective on me. The ONLY thing that kept me from doing something that would affect me forever was the knowledge that I would either A) be in jail for a long time (I was one of those 'Scared Straight' kids) or I would have to face my dad's wrath.

The only reason I stopped much of my behavior was that I turned 18 and Texas doesn't play around.

The fact that I was able to get in the military and become a productive member of society is TOTALLY due to my parents. Not only have I emulated the best parts of them, the spankings and other tools they used were ultimately successful. Plus, the military discipline, which DOES include corporal punishment in certain cases provides MUCH better discipline than any private sector shrink has ever been able to manage. Military children tend to be way more disciplined and behaved than the average child.

Any psychologist that totally decries one method of discipline is a fool. We aren't cookie cutter people. What works on your kid may not work on another.

[rph3664]

Come work in ER. You see children and teens behave so badly, that you want to slap their parents for allowing it. When did it come to the point that the children rule the house and not the parents.

Most of our psych patients come in through the ER, and I would imagine they have had some doozy experiences with those kids (and adults too). Some of us believe that there are parents who use the child psych unit as a dumping ground/babysitter when their kids get to be too much for them to deal with - or the parents want to go do something and can't find someone to watch them.

Plus, the kids who aren't that sick may be thinking, "Ha ha, my parents can't do anything to me here so I can act any way I want."

Other message boards and blogs have told stories about multiple adults who come in with multiple children, and only one out of the bunch is sick. Couldn't at least one of those adults stay home with the kids? They are the same kind of people who go to Wal-Mart this way at midnight.

[Jo Dirt]

I've never understood what purpose hitting serves. I never learned anything from being hit, except that when people are angry, they like to hurt you. That is a dumb way to go about. Instead of slapping a child for calling you names, try to figure out what is going on with that child, why they feel the need to say what they said. anger only begets anger.

I am strongly opposed to corporal punishment as discipline. I'm sure there are scenarios where this is the exception, but slapping a child for back-talking is out of line.

I like the suggestions of making the child repeat the behavior correctly. I've also seen where parents make the child write an essay about why what they did was wrong. Teaching children to think about their actions seems to be much better than hitting them.

I remember the times I was spanked because I had done something that could have gotten myself hurt and it scared my mother, and I remember getting slapped in the face for something that wasn't my fault.

I'm not resentful about getting a spanking for taking my bicycle off and staying a long time and scaring my mother. I'm resentful when I was treated badly and for no reason.

Spanking has its place, I still believe that.

[Jo Dirt]

They are the same kind of people who go to Wal-Mart this way at midnight.

I sometimes stop by Wal Mart when I get out of work (around midnight.) I get so angry when I see these people (who are usually dirty and smell of cigarettes) wandering around Wal Mart with children.

Why can trash have children?

[Thundercat]

Plain and simple-spare the rod, spoil the child. My parents spanked my siblings and I growing up. And while as a kid, I accused them of being "mean", they weren't. They just loved us. Now, my brother and I both appreciate our parents for being there, and giving us limits. Kids today have NO respect sometimes, and I think "oh my god." Anyways, to the point, I think it depends on the kid, but yes, sometimes a child needs to be spanked.

I totally agree Proverbs 23:13 withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod he shall not die.

14: thou shall beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

I have 4 children and they all received spankings if needed. My sibling and I were spanked as children as well, and not only did it help me to become more respectable but it also put the fear of God in me.

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

My dad loved James Dobson and his views on discipline. Well in my opinion James Dobson is a freak-I was unmercifully beat as a kid thanks to his views. My dad always had a way of tying everything into religion. I think he thought he was God.

Your father, unfortunately, misinterpreted Dr. Dobson, who as another poster mentioned only talked about spanking until about age 6 or so and NEVER with a teenager. And NEVER slapping or beating. He talks about breaking WILL (the disobedient nature) not the SPIRIT. I am truly sorry that your Dad was such a tyrant.

As usual with these spanking threads, people are mixing up beatings and spankings.

I too was beaten with a belt as a child - that is not spanking.

If one of my kids ever started a tantrum, anywhere, I picked him/her up and left. I don't personally believe in walking away and letting them continue in a public place - that isn't fair to the other people around them. Maybe in your home, placing a child in the bedroom is appropriate. But in public, remove the child.

I agree with others who mention parents who take their kids to the store when the kids are tired or hungry and then overreact when the kids get cranky.

Every kid is different - you have to find what works with each. Without descending into beatings.

steph

[FireStarterRN, BSN, RN]

I totally agree with your entire post, Spidey!

[litbitblack, ASN, RN]

That's kind of judgmental.

My parents commanded legions of soldiers and knew the ins and outs of discipline. They NEVER had control over me. From your method of discipline I can pretty much say I would be a completely different person today. Mostly due to being dead or in prison.

At 13 I was stealing, robbing, drinking, using drugs and a whole host of other things. To be honest, I started the downhill slide at around 7. By 17 I was on that final fork in the road between prison and a normal life.

Children don't develop in a cookie cutter mold. There are many things that influence children. I just happened to be angry, and bipolar. Not even the multitude of counselors, psychiatrists or psychologists could get control of me.

I am truly serious when I say that your method of discipline would have been wholly ineffective on me. The ONLY thing that kept me from doing something that would affect me forever was the knowledge that I would either A) be in jail for a long time (I was one of those 'Scared Straight' kids) or I would have to face my dad's wrath.

The only reason I stopped much of my behavior was that I turned 18 and Texas doesn't play around.

The fact that I was able to get in the military and become a productive member of society is TOTALLY due to my parents. Not only have I emulated the best parts of them, the spankings and other tools they used were ultimately successful. Plus, the military discipline, which DOES include corporal punishment in certain cases provides MUCH better discipline than any private sector shrink has ever been able to manage. Military children tend to be way more disciplined and behaved than the average child.

Any psychologist that totally decries one method of discipline is a fool. We aren't cookie cutter people. What works on your kid may not work on another.

Im glad something finally got to your head so you could straiten up. I wouldn't imagine trying to spank my daughter now as it would turn into a fight that would just make me angry and i usually don't discipline when i am angry. i said usually. If it happens I talk to them afterwards and listen to thier feelings also. Things that affect kids and thier behavior nowadays are much different than when i was a kid and when my parents were kids.You have to do something that gets thier attention and sometimes taking things away and grounding don't do it. My daughters physcologists told her she would make an excellent attorney and she should persue so she has something going for her lol...No really I just want my kids to turn out great and be able to productive and I find that I have to get more creative with my punishments so thats what i do, and if it takes an occasional slap then thats what it takes.

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

I personally believe that slapping a child in the face is wrong. A swat on the tush or a hand slap is what I consider "spanking".

steph

[FireStarterRN, BSN, RN]

I agree. I used to be hand shy around my mother because she would sometimes impulsively slap my face. I would sometimes flinch if she made a sudden move.

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

from dr. dobson's website:

dear dr. bill:

we're concerned about a discipline problem with our 4-year-old daughter. lately, she's been hitting or kicking us after we spank her or whenever she gets upset. we've tried everything-talking to her, time-outs, and more spankings. but when she gets worked up about something, it's hard to get through to her. we wonder if spanking is really the best form of discipline-maybe she thinks if we hit her, she can hit us back! normally, she is well-mannered, she gets along great with the kids at her pre-school and she rarely requires any kind of discipline. however, we have noticed that most problems occur close to naptime or bedtime when she's tired. do you have any recommendations for us?

-- kathy and jerry

dear kathy and jerry:

when i received your e-mail, i contacted my friend dr. den trumball, a physician who researches child discipline methods for the american college of pediatricians. dr. trumball believes that spanking is most necessary when a child is under 3-1/2 years of age. that's because reasoning and taking away privileges simply don't work with very young children.

from 3-5 years of age, a parent can use spanking and time-outs as part of their discipline plan, but they should also begin to use consequences and the taking away of privileges. as a child gets older, if we reply solely upon one method, it will become less effective. for many school-aged children, privilege removal is actually more "painful" than spanking.

dr. trumball also reminds parents to use proper technique if they are going to spank their children. give your child a warning before each spankable offense. if they deliberately disobey, calmly inform them of the upcoming spanking, escort them to the designated room and administer the spanking. typically that would involve one or two swats on the buttocks with an open hand or spanking paddle. follow up the spanking with a brief review of the offense.

for an out-of-control child, dr. trumball recommends repeating the spanking procedure up to three times, after which he recommends holding the child tightly in your lap, facing outward until they calm down. this may take 5-10 minutes.

by the way, you mentioned that most of the problems with your daughter seem to occur when she's tired. a child your daughter's age should still get a daily nap in the early afternoon and her bedtime should be no later than 7:30 at night. also, make sure you have a planned snack time between meals with plenty of healthy foods.

to learn more about the appropriate use of spanking, visit the web site for the american college of pediatricians.

[FireStarterRN, BSN, RN]

My father, too. He was the most irreverant person in the world and a total hypocrite. I remember visiting him once and I made some wisecrack at the table. I was drinking a cup of water and he cracked me across the face, slamming the water glass into my face. He was such a jerk:madface: