I had very lax parents myself. I can remember being spanked once in my entire life. I got grounded a few times once I reached high school and for good reasons, but other than that I didn't really receive discipline much from my parents. My husbands family on the other hand is in favor of spanking; at one point I though I was too but am now against it...but still have to stifle laughs when I hear a parent say, "use your words" to a kid throwing a tantrum; maybe because I am yet to see this work.
I am in Community Nursing this semester. The placement I am at has a brochure on why you should not spank. The brochure was very informative on why you should not spank but it lacked any information on alternative ways to correct behavior/discipline. I chose not to had this out because I felt the information was not complete. Not being a parent yet myself, I did not feel equip to give alternatives if asked once the brochure was read and the client found that no alternatives were included.
I agree. I used to be hand shy around my mother because she would sometimes impulsively slap my face. I would sometimes flinch if she made a sudden move.
There are a lot of fascinating letters on this website . . . .
My husband and I disagree about how to discipline our 4-year-old son, Jimmy. We both believe in appropriate spanking and being firm. However, I think my husband can be too firm and even harsh at times. Recently we were at my in-laws for dinner, and Jimmy was exhausted from a very active day. Although he had already eaten, my father-in-law insisted that Jimmy sit at the table with us. When Jimmy rested his head on the table, my father-in-law thought that was rude and grabbed his hair to pull his head up from the table. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say. When I confronted my husband about it later, he said that was normal discipline for him growing up.
I strongly disagree and feel this kind of thing can be very damaging to Jimmy's spirit. Since that event, I've reflected on other troubling encounters between my husband and our son. For example, my husband has been very critical-using words like stupid, boring and even saying "One of these days I'm going to give you something to cry about." I fear such comments are mental and emotional abuse and will damage their close relationship. Jimmy is strong-willed and our only child, but he's usually very cooperative. How do you think I should handle this situation?
-- Laura
Dear Laura:
Your husband's harsh, punitive parenting style is going to have long-term negative consequences for your son. It's also counterproductive; rather than raising a respectful, responsible child, the ultimate outcome will be a child who is frustrated, angry and rebellious. Based on your description of your father-in-law's behavior, your husband was likely abused as a child. Now it sounds like he is repeating the same pattern with his own son.
You didn't mention whether or not your husband is a Christian, but the Bible has some vital things to say about the way we parent our kids. In addition to stressing the importance of discipline, guidance and training, scripture also gives us clear warnings about harsh, punitive parenting. Ephesians 6:4 says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." And Colossians 3:21 tells us, "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."
I suggest you have a serious, heart-to-heart talk with your husband about this matter. Arrange for a babysitter so you can have some time alone, away from your son.
Let you husband know that you love him and want to support him, but that you're very concerned about his anger and harsh parenting. Tell him you believe he is emotionally abusing your son and that this is breaking your heart. Ask him if he would consider reviewing a balanced, biblically-based parenting curriculum as a couple and then implementing the methods taught in the program in your own home.
Along those lines, Focus on the Family offers a great DVD series called The Essentials of Discipline, featuring the classic parenting wisdom of Dr. James Dobson. You can learn more about the DVDs by calling us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).
Hopefully your husband will be open to your input, especially if you deliver the message with respect and love. If he becomes angry or responds defensively to your suggestions, then you may need to seek the assistance of a pastoral counselor or family therapist. Our counseling department at Focus on the Family can provide you with a referral in your local community.
Oh . . and I forgot . . . why punish a child for running in the house? I do not understand that at all.
My husband and son chase each other all over the house and I do too . .. we end up grabbing our son, turning him upside down and giggling and laughing.
At my in-laws home, from the time my husband and his sister were children, kids have run in circles from the kitchen to the dining room to the living room.
"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." And Colossians 3:21 tells us, "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."
Oh . . and I forgot . . . why punish a child for running in the house? I do not understand that at all.
You punish them for disobeying the RULE to not run in the house. Kids run. They run OUTSIDE. :)
Do you let your kids play baseball IN the house???
My parents told me not to run in the house. They spanked me for not listening. When I broke my small toe my mother said that's why there is no running in the house and that was the last time I did that...
You don't run inside because you get hurt and break things.
You punish them for disobeying the RULE to not run in the house. Kids run. They run OUTSIDE. :)
Do you let your kids play baseball IN the house???
My parents told me not to run in the house. They spanked me for not listening. When I broke my small toe my mother said that's why there is no running in the house and that was the last time I did that...
You don't run inside because you get hurt and break things.
Oh - the rule!
I don't have that rule. And yes, we play baseball in the house. :chuckle
(We use a wiffle ball).
Kids are active - yes, running outside is preferable . .. .but I think we should pick our battles and KIDS RUN. It would be next to impossible to keep them from ever running in the house. Let that battle go.
I don't have that rule. And yes, we play baseball in the house. :chuckle
(We use a wiffle ball).
Kids are active - yes, running outside is preferable . .. .but I think we should pick our battles and KIDS RUN. It would be next to impossible to keep them from ever running in the house. Let that battle go.
steph
exactly...
kids need to run, explore and enjoy life.
i can't imagine a young kid feeling so contained in his/her own home.
and definitely, pick your battles, regardless of child's age.
i can't imagine a young kid feeling so contained in his/her own home.
and definitely, pick your battles, regardless of child's age.
and leave the hammer in the basement.
leslie
I'll tell ya Les . . . . in our home with 4 kids, there were always wrestling matches with Dad going on right in the middle of the living room. It was great fun for all the kids - even though now our 7 year old can almost pin his "old" dad (jk).
Two different styles of bedtime stories in our home. With mom, it is snuggling in bed with books and quietly reading. With dad, it is a wrestling match for about 10 minutes, then reading.
Walking into church with mom - holding hands and walking. With dad? A race to the church door.
I had moments with some of my kids where I actually understood what drives some people to kill their kids. Seriously, children can so sorely try your patience and totally exhaust you, I do understand what pushes some people over the edge.
I had moments with some of my kids where I actually understood what drives some people to kill their kids. Seriously, children can so sorely try your patience and totally exhaust you, I do understand what pushes some people over the edge.
I'd be willing to bet we've all been there . . .. . the difference is having the maturity and love for your kids to walk away when you feel close to the edge. Or apologize if you do lose it and work very hard to never have it happen again.
Of course I think there is a difference between truly abusive and taking a hammer to a door.
I do have to say that the example in one of those letters I posted, about the 4 year old who was sleepy and the grandpa who pulled his head up by the hair really angered me.
All 4 of my kids have been so tired that they fell asleep in their highchair or at the table. HOW is that rude?????????
no, clearly there are 'parents' who treat their kids as highly devalued possessions.
it's really hard for me to ignore some other parenting 'styles', and hubby and i have gotten into some big blowouts because i confronted a parent at the mall/store/parking lot.
again, i think it's important to recognize how we raise our kids, and, how that comes into play as they grow older.
for example, i have never (NEVER) told my kids "because i said so"...although dad has many times. (we are very different parents)
my kids have always had a voice, as long as they are respectful, i've always encouraged them to defend their principles.
and i'll tell you, that has really come to bite me in my behind.
ea one of them just cannot take "no" for an answer unless it's a prolonged, intellectual exchange of the mind and will.
and it gets very tiring.
but they do put up some darned good arguments AND yet, they listen to reason.
anyways, if you want to instill certain values in your kids...
Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN
11,305 Posts
There are a lot of fascinating letters on this website . . . .
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/search.aspx/search?q=spanking
Dear Dr. Bill:
My husband and I disagree about how to discipline our 4-year-old son, Jimmy. We both believe in appropriate spanking and being firm. However, I think my husband can be too firm and even harsh at times. Recently we were at my in-laws for dinner, and Jimmy was exhausted from a very active day. Although he had already eaten, my father-in-law insisted that Jimmy sit at the table with us. When Jimmy rested his head on the table, my father-in-law thought that was rude and grabbed his hair to pull his head up from the table. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say. When I confronted my husband about it later, he said that was normal discipline for him growing up.
I strongly disagree and feel this kind of thing can be very damaging to Jimmy's spirit. Since that event, I've reflected on other troubling encounters between my husband and our son. For example, my husband has been very critical-using words like stupid, boring and even saying "One of these days I'm going to give you something to cry about." I fear such comments are mental and emotional abuse and will damage their close relationship. Jimmy is strong-willed and our only child, but he's usually very cooperative. How do you think I should handle this situation?
-- Laura
Dear Laura:
Your husband's harsh, punitive parenting style is going to have long-term negative consequences for your son. It's also counterproductive; rather than raising a respectful, responsible child, the ultimate outcome will be a child who is frustrated, angry and rebellious. Based on your description of your father-in-law's behavior, your husband was likely abused as a child. Now it sounds like he is repeating the same pattern with his own son.
You didn't mention whether or not your husband is a Christian, but the Bible has some vital things to say about the way we parent our kids. In addition to stressing the importance of discipline, guidance and training, scripture also gives us clear warnings about harsh, punitive parenting. Ephesians 6:4 says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." And Colossians 3:21 tells us, "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."
I suggest you have a serious, heart-to-heart talk with your husband about this matter. Arrange for a babysitter so you can have some time alone, away from your son.
Let you husband know that you love him and want to support him, but that you're very concerned about his anger and harsh parenting. Tell him you believe he is emotionally abusing your son and that this is breaking your heart. Ask him if he would consider reviewing a balanced, biblically-based parenting curriculum as a couple and then implementing the methods taught in the program in your own home.
Along those lines, Focus on the Family offers a great DVD series called The Essentials of Discipline, featuring the classic parenting wisdom of Dr. James Dobson. You can learn more about the DVDs by calling us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).
Hopefully your husband will be open to your input, especially if you deliver the message with respect and love. If he becomes angry or responds defensively to your suggestions, then you may need to seek the assistance of a pastoral counselor or family therapist. Our counseling department at Focus on the Family can provide you with a referral in your local community.