I had very lax parents myself. I can remember being spanked once in my entire life. I got grounded a few times once I reached high school and for good reasons, but other than that I didn't really receive discipline much from my parents. My husbands family on the other hand is in favor of spanking; at one point I though I was too but am now against it...but still have to stifle laughs when I hear a parent say, "use your words" to a kid throwing a tantrum; maybe because I am yet to see this work.
I am in Community Nursing this semester. The placement I am at has a brochure on why you should not spank. The brochure was very informative on why you should not spank but it lacked any information on alternative ways to correct behavior/discipline. I chose not to had this out because I felt the information was not complete. Not being a parent yet myself, I did not feel equip to give alternatives if asked once the brochure was read and the client found that no alternatives were included.
My parents had a 'three strikes and you're out' rule. I was warned the first time, warned and punished non-physically the second and spanked the third. I only got to the third time and a spanking twice. I never repeated either offence.
My parents were this way.
The first warning, was pretty casual, "Knock (whatever we were doing) off". The second was very stern, "If you continue to (parents always explained what behavior they wanted changed/stopped), I'm going to spank, thump your head, take away an item or privilege , etc." The third was not a warning, but the actual punishment.
It worked well for us. I would say that 95% of the time we stopped after the first warning because we know what was going to happen. My parents were very consistent with their warnings and always followed through with the spanking or thump on the head. I think it is parents that warn the kids and then never follow through with any punishment that have the problems. Kids are very smart.
My BIL and SIL never punished their kids. They believed that telling their kids that they can't or shouldn't do something somehow stifled their child's creativity. :icon_roll These kids were the worst behaved kids I have ever seen in my life. I actually stopped going out in public with them. Total strangers would come up and tell them that their kids were out of control and the worst behaved kids they've ever seen.
My BIL/SIL had some serious entitlement issues w/ their kids, too. They believed that it was their right to do whatever they wanted with the kids and that everyone else should have to deal with it. Kids throwing tantrums in a fancy restaurant? Their reaction: Everyone else should leave if they don't like their meal being disrupted. Everyone else should eat at home. Everyone else should think their kids tantrums are 'cute'. You get my point.
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The American Academy of Pediatrics very clearly discourages spanking.
Thanks to political correctness the opinions of our various professional associations must now be taken with a grain of salt.
The American Psychiatric Association released a paper in the late 1990's speculating sex between adults and children might be "beneficial." The truth is inspite of the APA's musings more children commit suicide, contract diseases and suffer life long emotional trauma from pederasty than from spanking.
The position paper was withdrawn after a storm of protests. Sadly activists with various agendas often get on these professional associations and truth and welfare of children are not always their top priority.
Many psychologists even today do not believe spanking when done properly is harmful to children.
As I said I occassionally spank my little girl. It is done very rarely and only for the most serious offense. I haven't had to spank her for many months now simply because she is so well behaved.
In Western Europe where spanking is illegal the younger generation seems quite lost......
wow, look how different we all think, feel and act based on our experiences, found or instilled religeous beliefs, and trial and error of the act of parenting. Interesting to say the least. Just to coment on someone's post that was from the 70's who's parents needed to give more spanks.... I had plenty of spanks in my time, it was the lack of a stable loving home life that made me act out, and I guarentee that beating me one more time wouldn't have made one bit of difference. Consistant parentinig, consequences to bad behavior, following through with the threats thus not making them empty and Most of all, be a unit with your spouse in agreement on how to punish... and when one parent has to act on their own, you support the decision they had to make at the time whatever it was, keeping that unity in your marriage. It is important that the family unit remain intact and that the children don't run the roost. My kids are very smart, productive and above all, Kind human beings... all that with swats that I can count on one hand for three kids.....
Me personally i feel that you know your child and if you are not getting through to them any other way then spanking will do it. Children are different. My daughter 9 years i may have spanked her three times. My son seven maybe 6 times. Once i spank them i just give them a look and they know i mean what i am saying and they act right. The look lasts about three months. Children will try to pull your leg. No one wants to be the parent on maury shiow who cant control there out of control child because of lack of disicipline. My child could care less about time out or not getting a toy at the store for being bad or coming home from school on yellow. I don't beat my children and they know i love them but sometimes we have to do what we feel is right as parents out of love to keep our children on a path of respect. I dont downplay time outs if that works for you children. There are many ways to get through to children they are all different and therefore must be disiciplined in different ways. There is no one way to disicipline all children. Regardless of what experts say:jester:
:no:Spunky 808, you don't have to yell at us to express your opinion. We'll listen to you whether we agree or disagree. Using all caps is just like yelling.
I havn't had time to read some of the later posts for a while so am just catching up. Had to laugh with the counting thing, 1,2,3...
I started the counting method with varied results, #1 Son would change his behaviour on 1 saying, "please don't count Daddy". #4 Son gets told, "You have to the count of 1 to......". If I am particularly upset by the behavior I count with my fingers, they see oned finger go up they know what is happening.
I dont know how it started but I use a sign language based on Army field signals to save me having to yell. For example; if the kids are at the park I will wait til one looks in my direction and tap the top of my head, whichever child sees that will round up the other kids and come over to where I am. Saves yelling across the park or trying to chase or follow them. I use a couple of others when we are out in a crowded area or social setting, the two most common are settle down or get off/away from there. If I didn't have firm discipline they would not work. Even with the firm discipline the kids can be holy terrors at times, but they are happy and well adjusted.
With little kids, before the age of reason, hitting and cursing only teaches them "this is how Mommy and Daddy solve problems so this is how you should solve problems".
So, you do whatever you need to do aside from hitting and cursing. You have to develop ways to affect change according to them, what's going on and what they value. Eventually, anyone will become accustomed to yelling and cursing, "oh, there he/she goes again, it'll last about X amount of time and then it'll be over". That's just one reason why it doesn't work. Verbal abuse creates more verbal abuse, especially when it's demonstrated, like by the Dad yelling at the Mom. You're setting the example of how it's done. This is what you do if you're frustrated or scared or angry.
In the teenage years, kids can reason things out, you can talk with them about corporal punishment and possible reasons for it. Sort of a warning before it happens. Issues and situations where life or home is at risk, for your kids or others may actually call for corporal punishment. But they know it ahead of time and they can make the connection. For intentional rebellion, again where life/home is at risk, corporal punishment may be called for.
The value of talking cannot be overstated, sometimes on the same subject or different ones, repetition helps it to sink in, and though tiring for the parents, repetition is a way of learning...good things or bad things.
I just can't understand how inflicting pain on someone (especially a child) is the right way to teach them right or wrong. How do people hit them when they are younger and then punish the child when THEY hit someone when they are older? Sends two different messages...
Having raised 3 children (now in their 20's) without hitting but using a time out type of discipline makes me still think that we did it the right way - without enflicting physical pain on the child.
I never wanted my child to dread coming home or fear me for any reason.
I dont think that a little spanking will make a child dread coming home,we are not talking about physical abuse here,and there is no fine line of either,so lets not make such case about it.
i think when children are toddlers (2-3-4-5) and parents give them a "spanking" on their bums, it is often more psychologically painful than physically.
unless a parent is actually hitting hard enough to elicit redness, it is usually just a sl forceful pat.
and so, these toddlers know that mommy/daddy are really upset to resort to this, and subconsciously, know they did something terribly wrong.
but to cause physical pain????
never....oh no, never should that be the goal of spanking.
i guess this is where i maybe messed up, but i never wanted my kids to fear me either.
rather, i've always wanted them to feel safe enough to come to me for anything.
to me, that was the only way to keep lines of communication open at all times, even in their teen yrs.
had they feared a spanking/beating or a parent totally flipping out, no one in their right mind would approach them.
bottom line, parenting is all so very gray.
and a child's mind is nothing to be tampered with.
maybe my kids will someday consider me a joke as a disciplinarian...
but still, they continue to seek me out in times of trouble.
sorry this is so long and time is so short i couldn't read all posts
it does seem like all the parents believe that they are doing 'something right'
maybe they believe this because of the way the children have raised the parents
dgd was headstrong but could be reasoned with esp as she grew past 5-6 y/o
dgs was something else..he tried to climb a fence when about e and got hung upside down, burned his mom's shoe on the stove, could not be held in the fenced yard and when he got out always ran toward the busy street, bit the dogs ear until blood ran out, i could fill a book with all the things he did: he just overwhelmed the family..his pedi md did not believe in meds
they both grew into responsible teens/adults...even if they had different discipliness
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My parents were this way.
The first warning, was pretty casual, "Knock (whatever we were doing) off". The second was very stern, "If you continue to (parents always explained what behavior they wanted changed/stopped), I'm going to spank, thump your head, take away an item or privilege , etc." The third was not a warning, but the actual punishment.
It worked well for us. I would say that 95% of the time we stopped after the first warning because we know what was going to happen. My parents were very consistent with their warnings and always followed through with the spanking or thump on the head. I think it is parents that warn the kids and then never follow through with any punishment that have the problems. Kids are very smart.
My BIL and SIL never punished their kids. They believed that telling their kids that they can't or shouldn't do something somehow stifled their child's creativity. :icon_roll These kids were the worst behaved kids I have ever seen in my life. I actually stopped going out in public with them. Total strangers would come up and tell them that their kids were out of control and the worst behaved kids they've ever seen.
My BIL/SIL had some serious entitlement issues w/ their kids, too. They believed that it was their right to do whatever they wanted with the kids and that everyone else should have to deal with it. Kids throwing tantrums in a fancy restaurant? Their reaction: Everyone else should leave if they don't like their meal being disrupted. Everyone else should eat at home. Everyone else should think their kids tantrums are 'cute'. You get my point.