I had very lax parents myself. I can remember being spanked once in my entire life. I got grounded a few times once I reached high school and for good reasons, but other than that I didn't really receive discipline much from my parents. My husbands family on the other hand is in favor of spanking; at one point I though I was too but am now against it...but still have to stifle laughs when I hear a parent say, "use your words" to a kid throwing a tantrum; maybe because I am yet to see this work.
I am in Community Nursing this semester. The placement I am at has a brochure on why you should not spank. The brochure was very informative on why you should not spank but it lacked any information on alternative ways to correct behavior/discipline. I chose not to had this out because I felt the information was not complete. Not being a parent yet myself, I did not feel equip to give alternatives if asked once the brochure was read and the client found that no alternatives were included.
I've successfully raised two boys who are now in their 20's and I do believe spanking is appropriate if done properly. God made buts padded for a reason.
Never spank a child when angry, wait until calmer then talk with the child first. Teach them to think about what they did, why they did it, and what the consequences of their actions could be. If you want your child to respect you then respect them by never punishing them in public or in front of their friends. An alternative to spanking was jail. This was a wooden play pen with bars.
Sorry didn' t mean to hit the "thank you" button - Just because alot of feel that hitting a child isn't the proper form of punishment doesn' t mean that we feel that there should be no discipline. I agree that no discipline is awful! But physically hurting a child is not the right thing to teach a child in my view. I did not use spanking but used a time out as a way to discipline and it worked very well for my 3 kids.
Specializes in Emergency Medicine, Dr. Office, Psych.
I believe that & I have shared this before, that depending on the age of the child is how you have to discipline.
Toddlers, time out worked for me, smack on the hand when they touch things that were off limits, school age kids need to have things taken away from them, set limits......
Teenagers, stop them from doing their favorite things, Parents need to show the child that they are responsible for their actions.
Spanking is NOT evil as long as its used in a sensible way,
Taking things away shows that we do still have a say in what they do, as teenagers get older, taking car keys is a great way to say, hey stop, i am still mom & you will still listen to me & follow my rules.
Don't lose touch w/ your children, and DONT let them call the shots!!
Specializes in disabled children, geriatric,corrections.
I have three children. One in grade school and two toddlers. My first child was easy and when I have problems I just take things away IE powercords for the computer. When I had my toddlers that are 15 months apart I had more difficulty. My youngest usually listens, because he learns from his older brother. My middle child, the older brother, on the other hand usually acts up because he wants attention. On occasion, time outs, taking things away or even spanking won't work with him. I'v learned with him that it is best to curb his behavior when I see it first start simply by taking 15 minutes to stop what I'm doing and just spend time with him or include him in what I'm doing like folding laundry. It doesn't always work because he is definetly my child who likes to push the boundaries. My biggest thing is to follow through with whatever I say and don't say something I'm not going to follow through with.
Specializes in Mental Health, footcare, geriatrics.
I am in Community Nursing this semester. The placement I am at has a brochure on why you should not spank. The brochure was very informative on why you should not spank but it lacked any information on alternative ways to correct behavior/discipline. I chose not to had this out because I felt the information was not complete. Not being a parent yet myself, I did not feel equip to give alternatives if asked once the brochure was read and the client found that no alternatives were included.
Suggestions would be appreciated.
There are many alternatives to spanking. My favourite is using the corner when my little girl misbehaves. That being said banning spanking as an option is a serious mistake.
My little girl is four now and I have used the corner about a dozen times. On 2 or 3 occassions in her young life she rebelled and was very disobedient to the point the corner option was clearly (in my judgment as her father) not going to be sufficient. Having a long Talk with her as the anti-spanking Dr. Spock recommends was clearly not going to be effective either. Rather than take advice from a modern PHD who I actually regard as an idiot, I used the time tested method of discipline recommended in the Holy Bible.
"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,
but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him."
Proverbs 23:15
Yup I put her over my knee and tanned her little behind.....
Saved me hours of negotiating and she quickly came to realize it was in her interest to listen to me rather than misbehave. Beyond some crying after her butt was tanned I see no long lasting physical or emotional consequences. As a benefit of keeping corporal punishment as an option I can truthfully say she is the most well behaved girl of all the little boys and girls I see in her circle of little kids she socializes with at church, ballet, etc.....
I was listening to Radio Netherlands a few nights ago. The Dutch pride themselves for being secular, tolerant and progressive. Of course their tolerance does not extend to people of faith who use corporal discipline. Spanking has been illegal in Holland for more than a decade now. Interestingly the talk show host on Radio Netherlands was bemoaning the new phenominum of "hundreds to thousands" of Dutch children being incarcerated in secure juvenile detention centers without being charged with any actual crime. The problem with these children according to the radio host was "behaviour problems and an inability of the parents to cope with the child's behaviour." Rather than get the state out of the home and let parents have the tools needed to control their children, it looks like Holland will spend many millions of Euros on new "treatment centres" for all these kids who see no need to listen to their parents.
I have one grown, successful child whom I never physically hurt. It was important to me that I never convey that the way to solve a problem is to strike another person.
I took a class on discipline when she was really little. Some of the principles were that the point of discipline is to teach kids what to do, more than what not to do. Saying "no" to a toddler gives them no way to use their curiousity and energy. And they don't understand the concept of "no" anyway. This is why redirecting their attention works. If they are reaching for, and getting into things they shoudn't, give them things they should getting into...
The littlest ones don't misbehave for it's own sake, they just don't know how to behave constructively/acceptably and need to be shown, instructed, etc.
When they do act-out for it's own sake, this is for attention. I was taught that if at all possible, this behavior should be utterly ignored as if the child is not there. The second they change to positive behavior, heap on the attention, and they will tend to repeat the good behavior. It really worked for me. I could not deal with ignoring a tantrum in a store, however, so I ONE TIME, calmly picked up my screaming child, took her to the car and went home without ever saying a word. Never happened again.
Another powerful principle is natural/logical consequences. The power is in the consistency that you use. The more consistent I was, the better these techniques worked.
At every age past infant, I have found that getting eye-to-eye and telling her in a calm, moderated, low-pitched voice exactly what I expected her to do, has worked very well.
One time, as a young teenager, she lost control and called me some foul names. I was really stunned and hurt. I did not react, went to my room, shut the door and layed down on my bed to think about what she'd said and how to deal with it. Fifteen minutes later she came and threw herself down, crying and apologizing.
This is not to say we haven't had our moments or that it's been easy. It is a lot of hard work to be consistent and to think out logical consequences and enforce them, way harder than a whack here or there, but it was worth it for us.
I guess I am from a different school, but I have seen firsthand what a lack of discipline will do to kids.
My two grandsons have destroyed laptops, blackberries, walls, floors, etc.....all under the watchful eyes of my son and DIL.
And, just a few days ago, my granddaughter suffered a broken collarbone at the hands of my six-year-old grandson, when he pushed her off a bed so hard that she hit the wall..literally breaking it in two.
Of course my DIL defended him: "He was just playing around".
He should consider himself fortunate that I wasn't there, for I would have kicked his butt from one end of that house to the other.
Last Christmas my son disciplined my (then) two-year-old grandson by placing a new toy cell phone my sister had just given him on the top shelf of their entertainment amorire after he was repeatedly warned to stop throwing it. He pitched a fit, and began climbing up it (I'm not kidding). I was horrified, for he could have pulled it down on top of himself and been instantly killed in the process. I snatched him down and busted his butt. It was the first time I had ever spanked any of my grandkids. What does my DIL do?: She retrieves the toy and gives it to him!
An argument ensued between my son and DIL. I just went into my bedroom and closed the door. He knocked on the door a few minutes later, came inside and closed it behind him. "She does this all the time, Mom", he told me, exasperated.
I just looked at him and responded matter-of-factly: "Well, I'll tell you what: I won't be attending my grandkids' funerals."
He didn't say anything.
Hopefully my granddaughter's broken collarbone will be a wakeup call for both of them.
Lemme guess - both kids have been on ADD meds since before they were out of diapers?
(rph3664 puts on a flameproof suit)
I hear a lot about parents who have such wildly conflicting parenting styles, the kids really have two completely different sets of rules. My family was this way. What do you do?
I hear a lot about parents who have such wildly conflicting parenting styles, the kids really have two completely different sets of rules. My family was this way. What do you do?
while my husband and i share core values, we are very different parents with different styles.
i am very (too?) laid back while hubby is high strung, high energy.
he believes in spanking: i do not.
he believes in organized religion: i am a free spirit.
he believes in 'tricking' the children into telling the truth: i do not.
he believes in prevention while i encourage experience...
meaning that he will do everything possible to prevent our kids from certain undesirables, where i (sometimes) believe that life is one's best teacher.
he treats (or has treated) our kids as if possessions, where i see them as individual.
he worries an awful lot of what the neighbors/family/others will think, where i don't give it a second thought.
we both believe in honor, respect and tolerance of self and all others.
and we both love our children more than life itself.
and quite honestly, our kids have seldom seen us stand united when it comes to discipline...
i know, that's wrong.
our youngest is 15, oldest 19.
to date, the kids are telling me, "mom, you know how dad is".
not sure what they tell dad about me.
but i do know that we are both very pleased with how they have grown into upstanding and outstanding young adults.
they have much integrity, accept all others (esp the underdogs) and continue to develop a marvelous sense of self.
yes, they have given us MANY gray hairs, but hindsight is telling me that every drawn out battle has been worth it.
sometimes (knock on wood), very different parenting styles manifest themselves in children taking the best that ea parent has to offer.:redpinkhe
I was reared by permissive parent and had very few rules once I was old enough to reason with a bit, but the rules were pretty inflexible. My punishments were creative but effective. I donated time to the food bank and the community kitchen that our church sponsored both as a volunteer during lunch and dinner hours and as forced involuntary labor at 5:30 am to help with prep work a few times. Guess what? It worked! I had to dust each of the law books in my dad's office another time. Another time, I had to pickup stuff along the road with county prisoners although I wasn't a prisoner after the police chief saw me speed and go through a red light all at the same time. My mom explained what would happen if I did something I shouldn't in such lurid detail that I would often decide it just wouldn't be worth it. When I was smaller, removal of a privilege or object worked well. My husband, on the other hand, was spanked, beaten, threatened, abused in any sense of the word, and remembered very little of his childhood until he started therapy. It's been almost 3 years and he's still going every week or two. He's beginning to remember and it's been a nightmare at times. I'm not saying a swat on a small rump will cause a similar reaction but where should the line be drawn? If a child in in eminent and immediate danger, then you do what you need to to keep the child safe but once a child is past the terrible-twos and-threeish point, spanking is a poor option.
Hmm,I think that there is nothing wrong with a little spanking.
Did my father ever slapped me,you bet he did...did I thought I deserved it,yes,so I wasnt even blaming him,I got spanked couple of times but the face slaps I remeber the most because to me it was the issue of honor.I know that when my father used this kind of method of punishing me I did something really shameful and I was greatful for him that he cared enough to correct me.
My mom spanked me with a really thick belt and sometimes it hurted a lot but I also deserved it.
Would I ever call the police on my parents? Never...because they showed me more love than hate...
Another thought: I knew that I would never ever ever be punished if I told the truth or 'fessed up to some misdeed before I was caught. My parents never put me in a position where I felt like I HAD to lie and I think that was vital. I also grew up knowing that there was nothing I could do that was so bad that my parents would stop loving me and despite the fact that I was a typical kid who did many things I shouldn't have and some just plain dumb stupid things, I didn't succumb to peer pressure as often because I didn't need to. Does that make sense? If I had been as angry and afraid of my parents as my husband was of his controlling parents whose spankings became brutal beatings as he grew, I would have acted out a lot more. There's a fine line between a spanking and a beating. When do you cross the line from one to the other? There remains in every adult who was spanked or beaten as a child, a forever child with a bruised sense of self.
The American Academy of Pediatrics very clearly discourages spanking.
I also want to add a comment about dealing with kids who have lied. The advise I got was not to put them on the spot in the first place. If you know they did the deed, proceed straight to the consequence. Why humiliate them by backing them into a corner and forcing them to lose face or lie? When you know what you know, it increases your omnipotence if you just proceed to the next step, cooly and calmly without a big dramatic show-down where nobody "wins".
yoda
19 Posts
I've successfully raised two boys who are now in their 20's and I do believe spanking is appropriate if done properly. God made buts padded for a reason.
Never spank a child when angry, wait until calmer then talk with the child first. Teach them to think about what they did, why they did it, and what the consequences of their actions could be. If you want your child to respect you then respect them by never punishing them in public or in front of their friends. An alternative to spanking was jail. This was a wooden play pen with bars.