Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

Nurses Humor

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Specializes in Peds Medical Floor.
Never...let your boyfriend have sex with your colostomy stoma...

This actually made me gasp! I think we need the whole story lmao.

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Specializes in ONOGS (see above).

MY patients have taught me to......

Never use a toothbrush to "scratch an itch in my butt hole" because it can, and will, magically disappear up the chute.

Never try pet wild kittens that live in the barn, even if they look tiny and sweet, because they can, and will, bite and scratch you and you can get nec fasc from it!!

Never use you cell phone in the shower, as you may "drop it" and when you bend down to pick it up you will "slip and fall onto the phone" and it will magically disappear up the chute. (A common theme in accidents).

My favorite one is....

Never let your wife use a vibrator on you, after she just found out about your girlfriend. It may get turned onto high and.....did you guess yet......it will magically disappear up your chute!!!! :idea: :yeah:

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Specializes in Med/Surg, LTAC, Critical Care.

When you blow up your face by using home O2 and lighting a cigarette...Don't attempt it a 2nd time...

Don't let your teenage moron...I mean son...drive the old CJ-8 down a trail that is too much for his intelligence level...I mean..abilities (with no seatbelt either).

I know you just want attention, I try to give it to you, but for the love of God, STOP picking at your *%@!%^ ileostomy bag! I have only 1 left, we can't order any for 6 more hours, and I had to throw away those shoes...I really liked those shoes too!

Central lines can stretch...a certain distance

I don't care if you say you've been taking it together for years, I am NOT going to give your Norco, Xanax, Restoril, and Soma all at the same time.

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Specializes in Med/Surg, LTAC, Critical Care.
What I have learned not to do I actually learned from a coworker, (and common sense). You cannot squeeze scrotal edema back into the body by placing the testicles, member (with foley catheter inserted) into an elbow protector and wrap it with tape, (put something 10+ inches in diameter into something 4- inches in diamter), and expect that the patient is going to think that you are the best RN ever. :confused: The patient thought he was dying, wouldn't live to see tomorrow, and that he was being castrated. Let's just say that his outlook improved once I cut him out of it, although I thought he was going to pass out seeing somene come at him with a sharp object in the nether region, until I showed him how blunt the bandage scissors were.....:chuckle

This makes me want to go to the corner...curl up in a fetal postion...and wimper while rocking back and forth...

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If you really wanted to die, you wouldn't have taken a hand full of pills with Vodka in front of your family for the third time in 6 months.... do it right, go out in the woods where no one will find you...

Yes, vicodin, percocet, tylenol, and darvocet all contain acetaminophen, and that is why you are yellow and on your way to a higher level of care at a hospital that does transplants....

Sir, there is a balloon at the other end of that tube that holds it in your bladder and if you continue to pull on it, it will hurt....

No, I will not give your Dilaudid undiluted and push it fast because that is how you prefer it....

Pt: I think I am having a seizure RN: silent, flushes IV with saline Pt: Thank you nurse for stopping my seizure, did you give me morphine? Could I get something to eat? RN: I did not give you morphine because you were not seizing, and no food, what if you seize and choke (hee hee hee) :D

Please tell the oncoming nurse if the Pt you are giving report on has had both feet amputated, or she will be embarrassed when she tells the Pt that she is going to feel the pulses in their feet, and pulls back the sheet to find no feet!

If your boyfriend has been shot and it on the cardiac monitor, and you shut the door to have sex with him, a whole bunch of people will burst into the room at some point when the monitor is alarming!

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Specializes in Medsurg/ICU, Mental Health, Home Health.
Never use a toothbrush to "scratch an itch in my butt hole" because it can, and will, magically disappear up the chute.

Never use you cell phone in the shower, as you may "drop it" and when you bend down to pick it up you will "slip and fall onto the phone" and it will magically disappear up the chute. (A common theme in accidents).

Look, don't judge my weekend plans, Wendy.

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Look, don't judge my weekend plans, Wendy.

Just plan enough time to visit the ER, too.....:clown:

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Specializes in Civilian+military ER, CVICU.
OK the spermacidal foam I can sorta see but, why would somebody know how Downey tastes??[/quote']

OMG I was thinkin that too! Lmao!

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Specializes in Civilian+military ER, CVICU.
Never...let your boyfriend have sex with your colostomy stoma...

Never...try anal sex with a hooked door latch...

Never...use a "Chi" hair-straightening flat-iron (over 400 degrees) near your 12 month old...

Never...leave a drunk alone with his chest tube...

Gotta go to bed now, but it's been fun reminiscing! :yeah:

hooked door latch?

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Specializes in Civilian+military ER, CVICU.
Austin_Heart wrote:

"Also, do not stand up on your bed to see if the picture frame you just hung over the headboard is straight......with the ceiling fan on."

I have done this before - WHACK! Right in the back of the head. Can you say concussion? And with long hair, it gets caught in the blades! Could be a tragedy. I also got my hair sucked into a leafblower, even though my hair was in a ponytail. Long ponytail.

My friend, my neighbor, and my daughter have all had their long hair caught in devices. My friend got hers caught on the Teacup ride at the fair. It ripped off her scalp from the tip of her nose to the back of her neck. She had to have 2000 stitches, a new nose, and has a permanent brain injury. My neighbor got her hair caught in a brochure-folding machine and it scalped her. My daughter got her hair caught in a shoeshine machine (the brushes were spinning and she bent down to see it close up), a large gyroscope toy, and the knobs on the dresser when she fell out of bed.

Jeez omg! talk about freak accidents!

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This actually made me gasp! I think we need the whole story lmao.

I think the story here is as follows: Freaks.:uhoh3:

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wow there are some really good ones. I'm not an RN but I volunteered in Memorial Hermann Hospital TMC in Houston in the ED. Here area few I learned there.

Never listen to your friends when they tell you to sit on dry ice because of back pain, and for sure don't put the dry ice inside your pants!!!!

Never drink a case of beer and then go cut firewood with a ban saw. (I value my hand more than that)

love these... wanna hear more.....

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