Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Never sleep with the same prostitute that gave you gonorrhea the last time. :hdvwl:

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Specializes in Med/Surg, DSU, Ortho, Onc, Psych.

Never, ever prick a raw egg, then put it in the microwave to 'cook it real quick cos I was in a hurry to...' (fill in the blank)

You will be heading to the Burns Unit for nasty and extremely painful and prolonged skin grafts, and will see some sights that would send you running down the hallway, screaming incoherently.....that's if you have any eyes left after the egg has exploded in your face, upon opening the microwave door.

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Specializes in med surg home care PEDS.
If you are a dialysis patient who is on fall precautions, do not insist that have to use the bathroom and refuse the bedpan because "my butt touches the bottom of it". The hospital does not have the staff to drag you to the bathroom. Do not then threaten to crap yourself because no one will take you to the bathroom. I will let you crap yourself and then sit in it until dialysis is over because we cannot move you around to clean you up during dialysis, besides which it is an infection control issue to unleash that e. coli with an open catheter. Now ask yourself, would you rather have a little BM touching your precious little butt sitting in the bedpan, or a huge code brown squishing up your back, down your legs, in your buttcrack and a room-clearing stench? It's ok. I'm used to the smell. It doesn't bother me, but you'd better apologize to your family sitting there gagging and retching.

Just get over yourself and use the bedpan.

OMG I am laughing out loud, thank you, you wouldn't believe how much I needed tha.

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Specializes in Emergency.

Aren't we all just a plethora of good advice?? We should all collaborate and either write a book:

" Regular People, Dumb Choices"

or perhaps a daily desk calendar :

"DAILY SAFETY TIPS"

A daily guide to help you make the right decision when faced with everyday dilemas

Of course only nurses and other health care professionals would find it appropriate!! LOL:chuckle

LOVE the daily calendar idea!!! I have been threatening for years to write "Suicide: Getting it right the first time"

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Specializes in Emergency.

...don't *repeatedly* insist on defecating in the trash can in your hospital room instead of in the toilet (that's actually closer to your bed than garbage can!). [The worst part of this story was that the patient's husband was "helping" her to use the trash can as she was weak and wasn't supposed to be getting out of bed without a nurse, anyway. I repeatedly told the patient and her husband to CALL FOR HELP if she needed to get up, and that the trash can was NOT a commode! I was a brand new grad RN when this happened. Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think that I would ever have to explain that a toilet is the "preferred" place to deposit one's BM!

Also, don't go into the soiled utility room and attempt to use the hopper, it may look kinda like a toilet, but you may fall in a lot easier!!!:idea:

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Specializes in acute care.

Contributed by one of my Alzheimer's patients at the LTC facility where I used to work:

Do not put your pajamas in the toilet and then proceed to have a very large BM on top of them. The CNA will not appreciate having to reach in and fish them out, and will throw them in the trash.

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Specializes in Covering ill calls house wide.

I have to brag, that I read EVERY post in this thread. :D

Patients have taught me to use Pond's Cold Cream, to be nice to my family, to shave my legs often, not to use Freeze-Away on spider bites, to quit smoking before i lose my third limb, not to perf my bowel with a Pronto Pup stick because I was double fisting corn dogs at the state fair, to appreciate every moment I have, to never drink and drive, to always wear a seatbelt, to never do meth, to be honest with people who are trying to help me, that pulling out your catheter is only going to buy you another one, to give compliments freely and often, that death can be a blessing, that people do know their own bodies best, to double check your tubing and pumps before you leave the room, that all women are pregnant until proven otherwise, coke-a-cola addiction is almost as serious as cocaine addiction, you can please most of the people most of the time but you can never please the family, geriatrics are sexually active, tattoos change shape and color after 30 years, to wash my feet, its a good idea to ask if somebody ate beets for dinner before calling to get a guiac order, succeed at suicide on your first attempt, WebMD is the greatest evil ever unleashed onto this planet, wheelchair rides do more good than Ativan, almost nothing you do to a patient will actually kill them, people forgive, patients are pranksters and nurses are easy targets, a squeeze on the toe or a pat on the shoulder can change the world, morphine and toradol are the worlds two most common allergies, "the little white one" and "the one for my heart" are the worlds two most common medications, and in the word of Dr. House: "everybody lies. Except for me."

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If you are a dialysis patient who is on fall precautions, do not insist that have to use the bathroom and refuse the bedpan because "my butt touches the bottom of it". The hospital does not have the staff to drag you to the bathroom. Do not then threaten to crap yourself because no one will take you to the bathroom. I will let you crap yourself and then sit in it until dialysis is over because we cannot move you around to clean you up during dialysis, besides which it is an infection control issue to unleash that e. coli with an open catheter. Now ask yourself, would you rather have a little BM touching your precious little butt sitting in the bedpan, or a huge code brown squishing up your back, down your legs, in your buttcrack and a room-clearing stench? It's ok. I'm used to the smell. It doesn't bother me, but you'd better apologize to your family sitting there gagging and retching.

Just get over yourself and use the bedpan.

:lol2:

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Don't expect me to believe you and your tearful girlfriend that you are afraid of needles when I can hardly find a patch of uninked skin to begin an IV!

Ok, I know this is a very old quote on a pretty old thread..But I just have to point out that I have three tattoos, am planning on getting more, and several ear piercings and blood needles still TERRIFY me. For some reason, there is a difference in them to me and I start laughing hysterically out of nervousness, and/or full out break down crying when I see a needle used for drawing blood/injecting something coming at me.

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Specializes in Med/Surg, DSU, Ortho, Onc, Psych.

When you say to a patient on admission: 'What tablets are you on at home?' (cos they 4got to bring in their medication) they say: 'It's that little white tablet you get from the chemist!' (pharmacist)

I've learned NEVER to assume what that little white tablet it! (usually ring a relative to check).

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Specializes in Med/Surg, DSU, Ortho, Onc, Psych.
If I ever go for my doctorate, that is going to be my dissertation subject. How these fools find love and I haven't had a date in...crap, I don't even remember! Then again, I most likely wouldn't like the partners these people have. :confused:

Believe me, there is a LOT to be said for being single!! I come home, have no-one nagging me, no-one arguing over which TV channels to watch, no petty arguments, I cook my own tea, drink my own wine and I don't have t to tolerate any idiots...ahh...bliss!

My gf is single, travels all round the world, (was married years ago, no kids) says she would never, ever marry again.

I've lived with married couples who argue about the stupidest and most senseless things - never again I vow will I reside with ANY married couple. Most of them just stay together out of habit, cos of the kids or cos it's too expensive to split up - and they cannot be bothered making the effort to find a new partner.

Here's to us single gals - YAAAAH!

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Do not try to convert your MA to your religion of choice. Yes, I realize I'm wearing a pentacle and that makes me a filthy heathen, but quoting the bible at me will not change my mind. And I promise my religion doesn't rub off from just being around me - it's not necessary to sing hymns under your breath whenever I'm in the room.

..I've had people at my work(Awful Waffle) do this when I wore my pentacle. I suppose that's what I get for being Wicca in the buckle of the bible belt? >.>

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