Family member hurt my somewhat fragile new grad confidence

[BlueChocolateCat]

Hi all,

I'm just looking for some "pats on the back" and to hear about similar experiences, because I know this not the first time this has happened to a nurse and I'm sure I will experience this again.

I am a new grad in a very intense cardiac surgery ICU. I've been working there about six months now. I think I have been doing very well. My co-workers like working with me and they tell me I'm doing a great job, especially for a new grad. Literally on this same day, I had my first review with my manager who told me I am doing a great job and have fully met all expectations (apparently, this is somewhat unusual for a review with our managers). Many times I have had patient's families express how happy they are with my care and I make them feel comfortable and confident. Many patients want me to stay with them as their nurse when I transfer them to stepdown. I'm working hard to try to build up my confidence in this intense environment.

Anyways, I had it happened to me for the first time.

My patient's wife didn't want me back has his nurse!

As a background, my patient was very sick, intubated, and sedated. The night before my shift, the charge nurse specifically chose me to work with this patient assignment because both families were very demanding and they felt I work very well with difficult families. I worked hard for this patient all day and I spent more time in his room than I would have liked to because I felt like my other patient wasn't getting appropriate attention. The main reason that I spent so much time in his room was because the wife obviously liked information. She struck me as an intelligent woman. I explained every medication I gave, I explained every drip, I constantly reinforced my plans for my shift, and let her sit in the cramped room all day even though I constantly had to jump around her to reach machines, the patient, and drips. The wife was outrageously doting. Like, excessive, (if I'm allowed to have an opinion).

Anyways, as I left that night, the charge nurse took over for me, and asked if I wanted this assignment again. I told her that would be fine. Well, I come in the next day, and I had a completely different assignment. According to the charge, the patient's wife felt like she didn't "connect" with me and requested someone else. She didn't cite anything specific. Ironically, the person that was reassigned to this patient has just about as much experience as me and sometimes comes to me for advice on situations.

At first, I felt like I was just going to brush it off my shoulder. But as I think about it, I'm finding myself upset. I'm irritated that the wife didn't seem to understand how hard I tried to keep everyone happy, including her. And I also feel like my confidence is hurt. Did I appear incompetent to her? DID I make a mistake that I don't even realize?

Just looking for similar experiences and maybe some humor!

Thanks everyone!

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

Be glad you were not reassigned to this patient and his wife.

You are not going to please every person with whom you cross paths. Don't take these rejections so personally. I doubt the wife is losing any sleep over this issue, and neither should you.

Rejection is a form of protection. Be relieved that you no longer need to deal with this hovering family member. Good luck to you!

[Farawyn]

It happens to everyone. I like some people/styles more than others, too. Don't sweat it and try to move on.

[caliotter3]

This is the first time. You can expect this again in your nursing career. You only should have concern if the persons involved really did have a valid reason for asking for another. Otherwise, they are dealing with some insecurity of their own at your expense. That is all it is and why you should not be upset. Some people can not be pleased no matter which nurse is sent into the room. That is not your fault.

[BlueChocolateCat]

As an added tidbit, apparently she really liked the reassigned nurse. I am concerned that maybe the family member did cite a specific reason but the charge nurse didn't want to disclose that information to me?

But overall, thank you everyone. No, I'm definitely not losing sleep over this, and I'm just surprised that I'm not brushing this off as easily as I thought I would.

[caliotter3]

You would have to have an ego made of steel to not get a little upset over this. Even old timers who have gone through this scenario dozens of times during a long career, feel the sting of rejection just a little bit.

[TakeTwoAspirin, MSN, RN, APRN]

I think that as you gain more experience you will learn to depersonalize such experiences. It doesn't sound as if you did anything wrong, she just didn't connect with you. That's OK. It's not about you. Especially in ICUs you are neither seeing the patient nor their relatives at their best. They are overwhelmed and irrational. This has nothing to do with you or your competence.

[Whispera, MSN, RN]

Look at it this way...you'll have patients you'll be glad not to see the next time you work, because either they or their family members are difficult in personality. You can seldom ask for a different assignment, but it can be a big blessing when you are assigned to someone else. It's just the other side of the coin.

Also, being with this patient would add to your stress. Chalk one up for stress-reduction potential!

[Nurse SMS, MSN, RN]

You are correct in that this will happen again and it likely will again have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the patient's wife. In time, you will come to value what you do based on your internal barometer - you will KNOW you did everything you could for that family and it will help take the edge off the pain when they reject you.

If the charge nurse isn't telling you why the wife didn't want you back, then there is nothing here to sweat about. Believe me, as a new grad, if you needed to improve something or needed education on something they would be providing it. It is likely either there really was no reason, the wife heard you are a new grad and got nervous, the wife really did feel she didn't connect with you or there was some other reason that can only be chalked up to a level of hypervigilance that is unattainable. Sometimes it really does come down to personal connection. Maybe she likes to ask the questions/demand answers instead of being educated. Maybe she was in a mood that day when she wanted a more personal connection than hearing about meds and treatments and the like. Maybe it really doesn't have anything to do with you. It sounds to me like you did everything you were supposed to do. This is where having a posse of fellow nurses helps and it is good you brought this here. I definitely empathize. It has happened to all of us I would bet.

Dust yourself off. Smile when you see her and inquire about how he is. Heck, stick your head in the door and do that anyway. Whatever the issue was, I can promise you that it has everything to do with the situation she is finding herself in and very little to do with you.

[bagladyrn, RN]

Realize that this was likely just the family members way of asserting control of a scary situation. That shift she did so by asking for a change of staff. The next it will be something else, maybe a change of meds or times of treatments or level of noise, but there will always be something, since obviously she is already known to be difficult.

See it as her issue, not a reflection of your competence.

[calivianya, BSN, RN]

I have had that happen to me once. It does suck, and it is a blow to the ego. I still get a little mad when I think about it to this day (just because the stuff they said about me was NOT true), and it was almost a full year ago! We've just got to roll with it. Besides, that means you didn't have to deal with her again!

[VANurse2010]

Frankly, on my unit that would not be considered a valid reason to change nurses. She would have been told that we cannot staff an ICU like that and that for continuity of care purposes you would be reassigned to that double (or whatever).

ETA: I realize this probably won't be a popular response, but I've seen it happen and sometimes it's what's needed to get irrational family members to get a grip.