Family member hurt my somewhat fragile new grad confidence

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Hi all,

I'm just looking for some "pats on the back" and to hear about similar experiences, because I know this not the first time this has happened to a nurse and I'm sure I will experience this again.

I am a new grad in a very intense cardiac surgery ICU. I've been working there about six months now. I think I have been doing very well. My co-workers like working with me and they tell me I'm doing a great job, especially for a new grad. Literally on this same day, I had my first review with my manager who told me I am doing a great job and have fully met all expectations (apparently, this is somewhat unusual for a review with our managers). Many times I have had patient's families express how happy they are with my care and I make them feel comfortable and confident. Many patients want me to stay with them as their nurse when I transfer them to stepdown. I'm working hard to try to build up my confidence in this intense environment.

Anyways, I had it happened to me for the first time.

My patient's wife didn't want me back has his nurse!

As a background, my patient was very sick, intubated, and sedated. The night before my shift, the charge nurse specifically chose me to work with this patient assignment because both families were very demanding and they felt I work very well with difficult families. I worked hard for this patient all day and I spent more time in his room than I would have liked to because I felt like my other patient wasn't getting appropriate attention. The main reason that I spent so much time in his room was because the wife obviously liked information. She struck me as an intelligent woman. I explained every medication I gave, I explained every drip, I constantly reinforced my plans for my shift, and let her sit in the cramped room all day even though I constantly had to jump around her to reach machines, the patient, and drips. The wife was outrageously doting. Like, excessive, (if I'm allowed to have an opinion).

Anyways, as I left that night, the charge nurse took over for me, and asked if I wanted this assignment again. I told her that would be fine. Well, I come in the next day, and I had a completely different assignment. According to the charge, the patient's wife felt like she didn't "connect" with me and requested someone else. She didn't cite anything specific. Ironically, the person that was reassigned to this patient has just about as much experience as me and sometimes comes to me for advice on situations.

At first, I felt like I was just going to brush it off my shoulder. But as I think about it, I'm finding myself upset. I'm irritated that the wife didn't seem to understand how hard I tried to keep everyone happy, including her. And I also feel like my confidence is hurt. Did I appear incompetent to her? DID I make a mistake that I don't even realize?

Just looking for similar experiences and maybe some humor!

Thanks everyone!

Specializes in Emergency, Telemetry, Transplant.
As an added tidbit, apparently she really liked the reassigned nurse. I am concerned that maybe the family member did cite a specific reason but the charge nurse didn't want to disclose that information to me?

Let it go. If you know that you did a good job, then she just had a "nitpicky" reason to ask for someone else. Perhaps she just likes to create controversy; perhaps this is her way to have some sort of control in a stressful situation. You are confident that you did well--move on and be done with it. Plus, if she was "firing" you for a serious offense, your charge/manager would have talked to you about that reason.

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Specializes in Pediatrics, Emergency, Trauma.
Let it go. If you know that you did a good job, then she just had a "nitpicky" reason to ask for someone else. Perhaps she just likes to create controversy; perhaps this is her way to have some sort of control in a stressful situation. You are confident that you did well--move on and be done with it. Plus, if she was "firing" you for a serious offense, your charge/manager would have talked to you about that reason.

THIS.

As long as there are no serious allegations, or questions about your ability to perform, then there really isn't anything to be concerned about; people "fire" nurses all the time-it happens occasionally, sometimes it is a blessing in disguise.

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It could have been something so dumb that it's not in your control. For example, if you were nice, kind, smart, and perhaps attractive. Then maybe the wife might have preferred a nurse that she wasn't as jealous of. Just an example, but you understand what I mean. Keep your head up :)

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It could have been something so dumb that it's not in your control. For example, if you were nice, kind, smart, and perhaps attractive. Then maybe the wife might have preferred a nurse that she wasn't as jealous of. Just an example, but you understand what I mean. Keep your head up :)

Agree. I've been charge enough to have heard a variety of reasons families request a change. The nurse is "overweight", has too much of an accent, or not "compassionate" enough. One family simply insisted they have the most experienced nurse on the floor. Some will not allow men to care for them. At our hospital we are supposed to accommodate all requests if possible , even if we feel they are not warranted. However, if I know a patient does not want a particular nurse, I wouldn't want to put the nurse in an uncomfortable position.

It iwas probably some silly reason, or you would have been told why. Try not to worry and move on!

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Specializes in CVICU, CCRN.

Thank you, everyone.

I do realize it probably was a blessing in disguise because I had a much easier time with my other patient assignment anyways. I was willing to accept the assignment again for continuity of care, as another previous poster mentioned, but I knew it wouldn't be easy.

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Grow up. Why do you care? You don't know her. Why should her opinion of you be so upsetting? If you know you are doing a good job, who cares?

Maybe you remind her of someone she doesn't like. Maybe her reaction was stress-related. Maybe she's just a nasty, unhappy person. Who knows? More importantly, don't waste your energy. Let it go.

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Specializes in Mental Health Nursing.

You are not going to please everyone. Confidence is something that has to develop but I often wish new nurses would develop it based on their own growth rather than from others. I've noticed a trend that most new nurses experience - they get their confidence from management, or other nurses, or a patient's kind words. Compliments that are given to them by management or other nurses makes them feel as if they're too secured; and then they end up asking "Why did I get fired" when they make that one huge mistake.

Let your skills, your increased competency, your ability to "connect the dots" be your confidence - not a family member's approval.

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I respect the job you are doing.

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Specializes in Psych ICU, addictions.

In life, you will never make every single person happy, and you would be a fool to even try. So she didn't want you as her spouse's nurse for whatever reason...and while the rejection may always sting at least a little bit, there's nothing you can do about it. If there was a valid/serious issue behind the request, your manager would have informed you about it. Otherwise, shake it off and focus on your other patients.

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Specializes in SICU, trauma, neuro.

It sounds like you're doing just fine, but for whatever reason you didn't meet her expectations for personality or bedside manner...not that there's anything wrong with yours, but that it didn't meet her expectations. That's just the feeling I got by the "didn't connect with you" comment; not that she didn't trust you or you didn't seem to know your stuff, but rather about the connection. And that's okay; nobody connects with everybody. And if she'd fire a good RN over something like that, she probably did you a favor.

FWIW, I've gotten both sides. I've been the one that the extremely "difficult" ones like, and I've been fired by others. It never feels amazing, but you dust yourself off and keep doing your best work for your patients.

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Hi all,

The wife was outrageously doting. Like, excessive, (if I'm allowed to have an opinion).

If you thought this as you were taking care of your patient and explaining the care you were giving to your patient's wife, it is possible that the patient's wife picked up on your thoughts/body language and felt uncomfortable with you providing care for her loved one. Hence her request for a different nurse.

From personal experience, having a dearly loved family member in the ICU is a massively stressful experience. I sometimes read on AN how suddenly much more understanding nurses become of family members once they have experienced their own loved ones acutely or critically ill, and are visiting or staying with their family member in the hospital. I do not find it at all surprising that the patient's wife stayed in the room continuously, wanted to know all about the medications her husband was receiving and the plan for the shift, and "doted" on her husband. Those are behaviors of someone who cares deeply about their sick spouse.

I suggest trying to put yourself in the place of the family member; this may help you to have more patience with these kind of situations, and may prevent the family member from perceiving your thoughts about them (if that is what happened) and feeling the need to request a change of nurse.

Best wishes to you.

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For some reason I'm usually chosen as the *repalcement* nurse. My manager always tells me the reason for the patient/family request (so I know how to avoid it and make them happy as punch). There has never been one legitimate reason. They identified something they didn't like that was worthy of discussion but that wasn't it, god knows I've been all thumbs myself. It's always an anxious type and like a PP pointed out, it probably gives them a sense of control when they hardly have any. Or they just can't address issues and rather just ask for someone else (like the coworker who goes straight to the supervisor's office over something benign (she didn't say hi to meeeee) because dealing directly causes too much emotion and anxiety)

I don't think you need to "grow up", you get rejected after trying extra hard and it hurts. But you must move on and allow some people to just not get it right. You deal with death and dying, you can handle this. :-)

And honestly, did you really "connect" with her after jumping through her hoops?

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