Alzheimer's-Brother won't help!!! - page 2

:angryfire :angryfire :angryfire I have taken care of my mother who has alzheimer's for over 6 years now. My brother who lives nearby visits every 2 weeks and stays for about 30 minutes. He does... Read More

  1. by   ktwlpn
    Quote from Blackcat99
    :angryfire :angryfire :angryfire I have taken care of my mother who has alzheimer's for over 6 years now. My brother who lives nearby visits every 2 weeks and stays for about 30 minutes. He does absolutely nothing for his own mother. He comes over here and acts like a police officer critizing and finding fault with everything I do!!!!! How can a man who does absolutely nothing for his own mother act this way? What would you do? Any and all advice appreciated. Thanks:spin:
    Sadly it is rare to see a family band together duiring a time like this...I'll pass the lessons I have learned through my own experience on to you.First and most important is-You can NOT change another person's actions-you can only change your REACTIONS to them.Now is not the time to waste your energy in a negative way-you don't have alot to spare.If your bro sets you off with his behaviors when he visits get out of the house when he is there.Use that time for yourself-take a walk or sit and read or visit a friend. If he won't/can't help with your mothers care maybe he'll pay for a few hours of a visiting caregiver to give you some respite..Let it go-for now...Someday when the time is right you will (I hope) take the chance to tell him how you really feel about his behavior.Until then concentrate on taking care of your mother and yourself...We can debate for days about why these people act the way they do-we can psycho -analyze them for hours.I believe they act this way BECAUSE THEY CAN...As long as there are other family members and friends to provide the real care -giving they can continue their attention seeking *********.And never forget-he has become the man his mother raised him to be....Good LUck
    Last edit by ktwlpn on Nov 2, '06
  2. by   romie
    It is really too bad that your brother reacts the way he does. Often time family members who are not directly involved with care of a parent with dementia respond in unpredictable and irrational ways, usually associated with misdirected feelings of guilt, resentment that attention is being taken away from them, a sense of being overwhelmed.

    I second the advice to seek out the Alzheimer's Association. They have support groups everywhere and excellent information on their website, as well as a telephone helpline.

    I would also recommend that you read "The 36 Hour Day" and pass it on to your brother. It has good information and advice on how to recruit family members to be secondary or "long distance" caregivers. There could be a millions easy things that your brother could do to help you and your mom out without actually providing direct care, like going grocery shopping or doing taxes or even giving a simple phone call regularily. This could productively channel his feelings and help him feel involved and less likely to be a policeman. Good luck.
  3. by   Blackcat99
    Thanks so much to all of you for such wonderful advice and suggestions!!!!! :spin: I am going to call him today and I'm going to be assertive. If he says no I can't take Mom on Thanksgiving then I am going to suggest that he take her to her next doctor's appointment or to the dentist. I'm also going to encourage him to take her out for a meal once in awhile. Mom does go to Adult day care and that sure helps. I just want my brother to step up to the plate, be a man and to start helping out.
  4. by   pyrolady
    Chatter may have a point though - how close were your mom and brother before AD? Lots of sons are close to mom and when something like this comes along they have deep deep problems. Remember, it is a woman's nature to comfort and a man's to "fix" - this is something that he can't fix and perhaps it plain scares the he-- out of him. He may not be able to cope. Different people handle things differently, perhaps you should be his sister and try to probe deeper in an understanding way as to why he is reacting this way. In any case, good luck and hugs to you - it is a very long and frightening road. Make sure to take care of yourself, ok? God bless.
  5. by   CHATSDALE
    the son in one of posts was right when he said 'this is not my mother'

    it reaches a point in which the person who loved you and raised you is gone all is left is a shell..maybe the time has come for you to place her where she can get 24/7 care and you can start the rest of your life

    these are hard decisions and there are no easy answers..bless you
  6. by   GPatty
    My brother doesn't help either. But it doesn't stop him from driving to see his gf in Virginia (he's in Ga) on the weekends. I am the one that has taken her to every Dr appt, stayed with her for a week in the hospital, day and night, and am the one taking care of all of the bill paying and telephone calls, and am going tobe the one to move Mom into my home after the beginning of the year.
    When I called him today and told him that Mom had a Dr appt and what happened (CXR, MRI, blood work), he was on his way to Va, again to see his "mid life crisis" (His 25 y/o gf---he's 45). I asked him to to spend some of that moneyto come up here (OH) and see his mother, who he hasn't seen since she became sick, and he said, "With what money?" I said, the same money that I spend driving from, Indiana every week to check on her. To which I got the reply that he has no money, and I told him that even a $20 gas card would help around here. He changed the subject...
    Then he says I need to get Mom moved in to my house and put this place up for sale, but he can't help move anything till after the first of the year.
    EVERYTHING IS UP TO ME.......but she's my Mom, and I can't help it hat my brother is an a**. I try to think that maybe its his way of grieving...to ignore it.
    But it is making me angry, and it's effecting my school and work. TOmorrow I am missing a 12 hour shift again cause Mom has thick yellow sputum and blisters on her tongue....started on ATB today, so I want o watch her overnight.
    Grrr.....
  7. by   Blackcat99
    Thanks all.:spin: My brother has agreed to take Mom for 6 hours on Thanksgiving day. I know he won't do the work. He'll have his wife do all the work. I am hoping that having Mom in his house for 6 hours will be a real eye opener for both him and his wife.
  8. by   KellieNurse06
    Good for you blackcat!!! Enjoy your time off! I know you'll worry but try not to! Make sure you write down instructions and everything , especially meds because like you said..they may not do everything you do.....anyway you may be right...this may be an eye opener for them to see what you do on a daily basis........I really hope your brother helps you more now with your mom! Enjoy your 6 hours on turkey day!!!
  9. by   weirdRN
    I am going to play devil's advocate here a little bit.

    Loved ones are entitled to the very best care we can provide them with, They cared for us when we could not care for ourselves.

    We as adults deserve to have a life too. When those two needs conflict, it may be time to consider respite or a long term care facility.

    Your brother may be ill equiped to see mom like that and he may not understand all that has gone on. He may feel some degree of resentment that your name is the only name on the house deed.

    When my mom begins her decline, I can garantee that I will be the one caring for her b/c my sister lives too far away and my brother is a lot like yours. I can not begin to compare the two situations but I would not enjoy my six hour vaca if I was worring about mom the entire time.
  10. by   Blackcat99
    Thanks all.:spin: My brother's wife took care of her own mother in her own home for 2 years and she did have a little dementia. I think she will take good care of Mom. If my brother does complain in the future about me, I can say "Mom said she sure loved being at your house on turkey day. I am going to go on a 2 week vacation now and since you can provide so much better care than I can, you can keep her at your home while I am on vacation".
  11. by   NurseyBaby'05
    What about having your mom visit at a consistent time, say weekly? Even if it's only for an hour or two. Maybe go with her the first few times. He may be imtimidated and not know where to begin with her. It would probably be good for her to have it be part of her routine and good for him b/c he'll become familiar with her nuances. If he's around her for longer or more often, he's more likely to catch her at a good time instead of her bad ones. If he only spends 30 min a week with her, his odds of catching a lucid or good moment are few and far between. Just my .02.
  12. by   ktwlpn
    My husband will never expect me to bear the burden of caring for my mother in law.Thankfully-because I would NOT do it..I also would never expect my grown son to care for me if I become unable to care for myself.I have no daughters so I know where I'll end up-straight to an LTC.

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