Is my husband being unreasonable? - page 3

by Nurse ABC

I currently work a med-surg position that is 12 hour days with no weekends. We all know how hard and challenging med-surg is and I have no great love for it. In fact when my required six months is up I'm looking to change to a... Read More


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    I disagree with your husband, the 18 year old can handle this, but I think should get some type of componsation for their work. Maybe a set sum of money deposited into their savings weekly for college expenses and then a few bucks for them to do as they wish? I think in this day and age with 2 parents having to work, all family members need to pitch in and help out for the good of the whole family. My 15 and 16 year old have hours alone due to my husband and I working, never overnight because of our scheduals, but many evenings, and have for a couple years. They have family within 5 minutes who could come over in case they need it and not in a bad neighborhood, have house alarm.
    Husband needs to be flexible with his schedual as well....
    Just my 2 cents
    tryingtohaveitall likes this.
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    If your husband is a local cop, then an occasional drive by would not be out of the question? I would say that if your husband only works an occasional weekend, perhaps he has enough seniority so that it can be opposite your weekend--as most places it is evey other weekend on. Additionally, if your almost college student is going to a local college, then perhaps he would be willing to be home on some weeknights--planned when you get your schedule in exchange for gas money or something of that sort--if you need him for a weekend, it could be the exception rather than the rule, then maybe pay for his phone that month. I don't think there's anything wrong with the 18 year old helping out especially when he would be in college and he is still living at home with you all supporting him. By the time he is done with his 4 years, same could apply to your then 18 year old. If you are on 12 hour shifts, this would only apply for 3 shifts. As another suggestion--how well do you know your neighbors? If there's someone in the neighborhood you trust, then that would be the immediate "go to" if something happens until one of you can get to the kids. Also, an alarm system installed may be worth the peace of mind.
    nrsang97 likes this.
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    Thanks for all the advice! I know med-surg is a specialty but not one I like so I am not staying there long-term. I'm not leaving my facility when finding another job in a different specialty. My nurse manager told me she didn't care if I left after six months when she hired me so I don't feel like I owe them a whole year unless their policy stated otherwise and it doesn't. It's not looked down on in our hospital to change areas that soon. I definately would pay my oldest for helping out-more than I already do. My husband has a set schedule and can occasionally take days off but trading is very difficult. I was told by the manager of the floor im interested in that I could request not to work certain days but nothing was guaranteed so out of the 8 days a month I'd work hopefully at least half those they would have one of us here. They are all responsible and all of them know how to cook. I agree that independence breeds confidence because I've seen it first hand after I returned to work and how well they're doing. Hopefully my husband will be willing to work something out!
    VanLpn, erin527RN, MedChica, and 1 other like this.
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    I agree with other posters - if you could compensate the 18-year-old that might work out. However, if he wants to take a night off, go out with friends, I think you'd have to be agreeable. And if he doesn't want to do it, something else is going to be have to be worked out.

    I do like the idea of asking a neighbor to keep an eye out, give their phone number to the kids.

    However, many kids are scared home alone at night. I know sometimes if I'm alone at home (I'm 22), I get a little nervous. I wouldn't want your littlest ones to get scared and bother their older sibling...that isn't fair to your oldest.
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    Have you talked to your 18 year old about this? I mean, they would be the responsible party in charge and they are "of age" so I don't think it would be fair to make such a decision without their input.
    wooh, nursemike, and Meriwhen like this.
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    Your husband could reasonably be concerned if you were home alone. I don't think he is being unreasonable. It might require some creativity but I hope you can work it out, take the job, and make everyone happy.
    Nurse ABC likes this.
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    It is not too much to ask a favor of your oldest child when you have done so much for them! You shouldn't force it on them, but let him or her know in a kind manner that you need the help. If it's only 8 nights a month that you are working, then there is no reason why your eldest child and or husband can't help out. It is selfish of them not to, and you should speak up for yourself because you deserve to be happy too!
    nrsang97 likes this.
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    When I became a widow to cancer, my kids were 6,9 and 12. I worked nights twice a week. They did just fine. We liked to read out loud, I taped quite a few stories and they listened to me reading them to sleep. At first they all stayed together in one room, with all the dogs around, but eventually started using their own rooms again. They are all grown now, competent young adults.

    I think your husband it being protective, but needs to have a sit down reality check on your needs.
    VanLpn and nrsang97 like this.
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    Must be my independent streak, I don't know, but I like to know what I am doing, and what the kids are doing, and not as if I don't involve my husband, but I take responsibility for plans for the kids in our home--works for us but may not for everyone. Your husband has a set schedule. You would probably get a schedule a month in advance. When the schedule comes out, family meeting. It may be only one or 2 nights a month they would be on their own. Make a plan then, if your oldest has something happening on a night that you both have to work, then there should be a plan B in place. I also strongly suggest an alarm system......and not to mention that some cable companies now have an online option that you can see the house, who is coming in, that type of thing--
    It is a new concept that the older kids shouldn't have to help with the younger kids--most of us from "back in the day" (cough, cough, sputter, sputter--LOL) were expected to help out around the house, and yes, that sometimes meant watching the younger siblings. Good life skills! And another thought--if you or your husband has family near-by, couldn't Auntie stay over if she needed to? Or do a pop in on the way to work to make sure the kids are ready for school? If before you leave at night everything is set up for the next morning, it would be seamless--I would be more concerned about everyone getting up on time and ready for school than someone breaking in.....
    nrsang97 likes this.
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    My mom worked in the schools, so she came home every afternoon at the same time we did, in high school. I noticed that most of my friends/acquaintances who didn't have a parent at home in the afternoon... if they were going to get into "trouble" that was the time. Drinking, sex, drugs, shoplifting... everyone knew this was the stretch of the day when there was no parental supervision. (These days, I would add internet porn, chatrooms, cyber-bullying.) It's not that most of the time they consciously said "This is when my parents are out"--it just kind of followed that there was this free time and no adults knew the difference. And I'm talking about "nice", intelligent kids--kids are kids. Some get into trouble, some don't. But I think a regular period of no-parental-supervision leaves that door wide open. Even if YOUR kids aren't interested in any of that, what if their friends start asking "Hey, are both your parents at work tonight? We could..."

    Several people have posted examples here of how they grew up in a situation like this and "turned out just fine", but I think you would find plenty of other people for whom it didn't. Even if nothing dramatic happens, I think it's good for teens to have a sense of security and benign supervision. I was raised to be very independent and confident in my choices, but I think knowing my mother (in my case, she was the one at home) was by default keeping tabs on me and my siblings helped me make good choices and gave me an easy way to say "no" to peer pressure. Honestly, because of developmental stages, I'd be more likely to leave an 8-year-old at home regularly than a 14-year-old.


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