I don't know what to do... I need advice - page 2

I'll try to keep this short but I don't know if I can do that. My Mom died of Esophageal Varices 11.5 years ago. She was an acoholic/addict. Her death was not a surprise, actually she survived... Read More

  1. by   Bipley
    Quote from traumaRUs
    ...Does this detective have it on some authority that coumadin, heparin, etc would still be present? The only reason I'm asking is because once a person is embalmed, chemical changes occur and some pre-morbid medications aren't detectable.
    I didn't ask. When he called me I was pretty floored by the entire conversation and common sense things didn't even click in my head. It wasn't until after I hung up the phone that it dawned on me that these drugs might not even show up after all this time. I also failed to ask why they needed my permission. He mentioned that they didn't have enough proof against Ed but when it comes to a murder investigation, why in the world would they need evidence against ED to dig up my MOM. That makes no sense so I must have misunderstood something. He was throwing a lot of information my way, information I didn't know before such as Ed having a previous wife. I knew about the housekeeper but I didn't know about her daughter. I didn't know my Mom's death was still an issue. He told me so much I didn't know and I think I was on information overload.

    Quote from talaxandra
    You weren't kidding about how hard it is to find out information about post-mortem detection of anticoagulants. I'm posting the question (without any other information) on a writers' forum, and will let you know if I get any credible information.
    I haven't been able to find anything on it. I did quite a bit of research (googling) yesterday and I can't find a thing. However I did find others that were looking for the same information. If I get a straight answer I'll be sure to let you know too!

    Quote from tencat
    I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. If Ed were alive, then yes, I think that it would be good to cooperate and let them take another look, but since he's dead, what the heck is the point? I really don't see how the other people in this case can get any kind of peace from knowing that their loved one was murdered and the murderer is dead and beyond earthly justice......then you've got a whole different kind of grieving process to deal with......for what? You have every right to say no.
    My Mom was an alcholic/addict. She wasn't exactly a happy camper anyway in life. The last couple of years she was happier than she had been for the previous 10. Ed did do something positive for her and it's always been nice to know she had *something* and *someone* vs. nothing. I'm not sure there is any value at this point in finding out her only source of peace in her last two years was a man that killed her.

    Quote from Corvette Guy
    I have read the entire Thread did & I miss whether or not you desire to know the truth? I realize the other victims family members want to know the truth about Ed, or at least what happened to there loved ones. Let me make this perfectly clear... IMHO, only you have the right to make the final decision on to allow the detective to exam your deceased mother's remains.

    Sounds like this Ed character had a lot of people fooled. He seemed like a nice fella, you say. Yet, your mother came up with some money missing, Ed was in the know in regard to pharmacology, and this detective surely is not telling you 100% of what he/she knows.
    I am usually the type of person that wants to know everything. I want to understand everything. I want all the details and I want to understand it. But this time, I'm not sure I want to know. There is no value, nothing is going to change because of it, I can't see how it would be productive.

    I still have a hard time believing the whole thing anyway. What was Ed to gain? He would have gained everything after they married, but nothing before. He certainly acted like he loved her and he was always really good with my nutty sister. I don't know, I just don't know if I want to know. It would make me wonder what else he did to her.
  2. by   Bipley
    Quote from asoldierswife05
    What is the time line in yrs that all the deaths occurred in relation to one another, if you don't mind me asking?
    I don't know when he was married, remember... I didn't even know he ever was married. He was in his mid 50's when he was with my Mom and that was 11 years ago. So he could have been married at any point between 18-50. I'll have to ask the detective that, that would be a good question.

    My grandmother died about 15 years ago, my Mom died 11 years ago, her housekeeper died about 7 years ago, and her daughter died about 3 years ago, Ed died a year ago.

    I just looked at that, that's every four years. I really don't know exact dates except for my Mom and grandmother. The others are estimates.
  3. by   bluestar
    Intriguing story. If it were me, since Ed is deceased, I would do nothing. That said, if he were alive I might be inclined to think otherwise.
  4. by   jnette
    Quote from tencat
    I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. If Ed were alive, then yes, I think that it would be good to cooperate and let them take another look, but since he's dead, what the heck is the point? I really don't see how the other people in this case can get any kind of peace from knowing that their loved one was murdered and the murderer is dead and beyond earthly justice......then you've got a whole different kind of grieving process to deal with......for what? You have every right to say no.

    I am so very sorry.. what a horrible dilemma.

    I, too, must agree with the above.
    The possible knowledge of one's family member being murdered would only serve to add more pain and bitterness.

    If others seek the info, I would agree with the poster above who stated to let them begin with his most previous victims.

    Again.. this is a tragedy indeed. My condolences.
  5. by   Toothbrushx2
    My condolences to you. Let it rest. I am bipolar and in my opinion your sister does not need to be upset over this.
  6. by   P_RN
    That is all so sad. I am sorry for your losses.

    Let me say this. My first cousin was murdered-left in someones driveway to be found.

    My state knows who did it. That person is on death row in another state for a series of murders. This happened nearly 20 years ago. My state did not even indict him. It would have been "too expensive."

    There is a certain sense of closure that we haven't found.

    I hope you will find the answers you need. Nice guys like Ed abound....pretty on the outside and evil inside.
  7. by   steelcityrn
    I Would Not Have The Autopsy Done With Her Past Hx. Let Her Rest In Peace And Good Luck To You.
  8. by   fergus51
    I am sorry that you had this dumped on you. Personally I wouldn't agree to it. The man is dead. You don't get closure from finding out a dead man murdered a relative. Sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie.
  9. by   ZASHAGALKA
    I wouldn't see the point in exhuming your mom.

    Even if you assume that she was murdered, He's dead. There is no punishment issue.

    There is only the issue of if you want to know. You already have said your sister would be distressed by this. But so would you, with no way to direct that anger/distress.

    In the meantime, you will be disturbing your mother's memory, in more ways than one. The sign normally says 'Rest in Peace'. That would be my advice. It sounds like your mom would have understood that.

    ~Timothy.
  10. by   Bipley
    I've been thinking a lot about this and I have come to the decision that I'm not going to sign anything. I may not be able to stop this detective in the future, but I'm not going to help him.

    I have realized this weekend that we all draw upon previous experiences to deal with current issues and you know what? I have nothing to draw upon for this one. This is a first for me and hopefully a last. I posted this question because I just didn't even know how to feel about it, I didn't know how to react to it.

    If they find out Ed killed my Mom it isn't going to haunt me as much that he killed her, but what else was done? What won't I ever know about? I didn't talk to my Mom more than once or so for six months before she died. I tried, but she would never return my phone calls. That really wasn't unusual for her, she never wanted to call me when she was drinking and in the end she was always drinking so she just wouldn't return messages I left for her.

    If I start thinking about it and fretting over it I'm going to start imagining horrors in the six months before she died that likely never happened. Now, if I would react that way, what in the world will go on in my sister's mind? I wouldn't even want to think about that.

    You know what is ironic, my Dad died six months ago. From the day she died he was convinced Ed had something to do with it. I thought he was resentful over the money she spent (in the divorce she essentially got their retirement). It's kind of weird now that I look back with all this new information.

    I'm not going to do it. But I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and opinions on this. It actually made a big difference.
  11. by   Tweety
    Quote from Bipley
    I'm not going to do it. But I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and opinions on this. It actually made a big difference.

    I'm glad you've come to a decision.
  12. by   nurse4theplanet
    Quote from Bipley
    I don't know when he was married, remember... I didn't even know he ever was married. He was in his mid 50's when he was with my Mom and that was 11 years ago. So he could have been married at any point between 18-50. I'll have to ask the detective that, that would be a good question.

    My grandmother died about 15 years ago, my Mom died 11 years ago, her housekeeper died about 7 years ago, and her daughter died about 3 years ago, Ed died a year ago.

    I just looked at that, that's every four years. I really don't know exact dates except for my Mom and grandmother. The others are estimates.
    I don't know if you ever watch shows on Court TV that profile murderers, but they usually have a period that they lay low after one murder until they have to do it again...and usually it is within similar increments of time. This is so disturbing...I can't even imagine being in your shoes.
  13. by   nurse4theplanet
    Quote from Bipley
    I've been thinking a lot about this and I have come to the decision that I'm not going to sign anything. I may not be able to stop this detective in the future, but I'm not going to help him.If they find out Ed killed my Mom it isn't going to haunt me as much that he killed her, but what else was done? What won't I ever know about? I didn't talk to my Mom more than once or so for six months before she died. I tried, but she would never return my phone calls. That really wasn't unusual for her, she never wanted to call me when she was drinking and in the end she was always drinking so she just wouldn't return messages I left for her.......

    ...If I start thinking about it and fretting over it I'm going to start imagining horrors in the six months before she died that likely never happened. Now, if I would react that way, what in the world will go on in my sister's mind? I wouldn't even want to think about that....

    ...I'm not going to do it. But I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and opinions on this. It actually made a big difference.
    Its good that you have come to a decision and that you have done it on your own. Who knows what the future would hold for you and your family if this got rehatched and the media got ahold of the story?! More than what you and your family need to deal with, after having to survive this already.

    As far as your mother going thru anything horrible while she was alone with Ed...I feel you can rest assured that he was a peach to her to her face. His MO seems to be passive aggressive if everything happened the way you suspect.

    Best of luck to you and your family.

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