Dealing with a dirty old man

~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN · Apr 14, 2017

Not the last time this will happen. You received good feedback already. All I will say is you will learn boundaries as experience comes.
And try hard not to attach labels to people. Their behaviors can be bizarre, especially when sick.

Exactly! All joking aside it will occur and quiet frequently. You will have to learn what you're ok with and when lines are crossed and react appropriately. The comment from the neighbor I personally would have just laughed off or smiled and rolled my eyes and I really would have made the comment about the IV's. I do that when people make comments about giving them a sponge bath, I will tell them I will give them a 14g in their EJ instead. I always joke that if I am ever feeling down and need a confidence boost I just have to go work a shift in the nursing home or jail. I walk out feeling like a super model.

Be alert and aware though because sometimes people take things to far and cross lines. I had a drunk patient that would not stop trying to grope at me and I was having none of it. Everyone thought it was funny and after this man pulled his 3rd IV I was done because when I would go to place another one he kept trying to grab at me inappropriately. I walked out to the nurses station where there were 3 younger residents and a new attending that I knew as a resident as well. The transporter who was helping me on the last IV had said how inappropriate this man was being and the residents started laughing and everyone thought it was funny. I snapped. I went off on all of them saying how if this was their wife, or sister or daughter getting sexually harassed and groped by this drunk man that they were having to take care of and everyone just thought it was funny, they would be lived. The new attending jumped up quick and was like "You know what, you're right and I didn't look at it like that. I will take care of it." The residents jumped up to follow and he did take care of it. Even took him to CT himself and back. Placed a new line. All of it.

Learn your limits and stand up for yourself because it's going to happen. A lot. But try not to take offence to every comment or you're gonna have a long miserable road ahead of you.

djh123 · Apr 14, 2017

You're going to run into all kinds of people, and all kinds of comments, questions, etc. Even for an older guy like me: I had a 94-yo woman who said that if she was just a bit younger she'd marry me, demanded goodnight hugs all the time, and one time I'm pretty sure she was going to try to kiss me on the mouth, but I turned my head. I had another former resident who was maybe 6-8 years older than me who called the facility later & basically asked me out. (That isn't a bad thing in and of itself, but I'm just saying...). Not to mention residents who are more out-of-it mentally who make suggestive comments to the CNA's, try to grab certain body parts ... not on a daily basis, but it does happen sometimes.

You just have to brush these things off, politely if you can, more firmly if necessary.

Extra Pickles · Apr 14, 2017

I think we can thank the Naughty Nurse costumes that come out at Halloween and the Betty Boop cartoon imagery for a lot of this kind of thinking. But so what, really? Pretty sure waitresses and flight attendants get their fair share of leering or groping mini-males. A friend of mine is a police officer and she had someone she was about to put into handcuffs eye her up and down and tell her she could handcuff him "anytime, Baby". Eechh. She took satisfaction on snapping them on but not sure that he did lol!

Aside from the mentally-altered patients who can sexualize pretty much anything, you're going to come across people who are rude and crude. Welcome to America! :)

BSN16 · Apr 14, 2017

The biggest thing i've learned is that you need to shut inappropriate behaviors down immediately. I've had patient ask me out on dates, ask me to help them with the urinal (when they are independent and alert), etc.

Now, there are also a lot of comments about my looks. Ex: "Wow, i didn't know i was going to get a pretty nurse like you tonight!" Which i honestly don't find inappropriate. Lots of male patients say this as a conversation starter and to lighten the mood. Although i prefer to be valued on my merit than my looks, comments like this i wouldn't really call creepy or gross and don't necessarily warrant a lecture from me about appropriateness.

The comment from your neighbor i wouldn't really fixate on either, IMO anyways. Also, MOST patients won't be fantasizing about a sponge bath, usually they feel it as more embarrassing and something to be ashamed of.

RN>20yr · Apr 14, 2017

It's VERY common.

Last time I had some creeper say that to me I looked at him directly.

Then I said "One of the reasons I became a nurse instead of a physician was the ability to easily change my patient assignment".

Been there,done that, ASN, RN · Apr 14, 2017

I was a bedside nurse for almost 30 years. Think I heard inappropriate comments 2 or 3 times.

You would deal with it, as you saw fit at the time. You would not "hand them over" to someone else.

I dealt with it with humor. A frequent flyer and double amputee made a pretty crude remark. I said.. you'll have to catch me first... and completed my nursing care.

I think you will find that the vast majority of patients, family and the public, highly respect nurses.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Apr 14, 2017

For someone in casual conversation I would have a hard time not smiling and saying "Wow, that is really creepy" in response to the comment in the OP.

Or just "WOW!" and shake your head.

amzyRN · Apr 14, 2017

I have had a male patient try to grope my crotch (he was in restraints, so wasn't able to reach, thankfully). Another male patient started telling me about his "priapism" and if I knew what that was in a creepy voice. I've had other instances of inappropriate comments. This behavior is something we have to redirect and not take personally.

Wiggly Litchi · Apr 14, 2017

This topic has brought a lot of icky memories back haha...

Back in one of my first facilities (a mix of rehab + ltc) we had a stroke pt come in for an extended stay (he left after about 2 months). He was the picture of a gentleman while his wife was around, but as soon as she left on that first night he did a complete 180. He kept trying to play with himself while I was getting his night clothes together and didn't stop when asked, so I went and got my male charge nurse who stood at the foot of the bed and watched him like a hawk with crossed arms; a complete mood killer haha

I've had lots of inappropriate comments over the years, and some patients have tried to grab etc. You learn your boundaries quickly; you figure out where to stand, and you're always watching their hands out of the corner of your eye.

There's a few ways to handle it - some you can handle with humor, some you have to be kind but firm with, just depends on the pt. Some are doing it intentionally, others might have issues~ As a previous poster said; if they're able to move their arms without restriction, they're able to wash their own genitals.

As for the neighbor comment, I love the suggestion about mentioning IVs haha - that's exactly what I would have said! "I'll try not to miss a 2nd time. :D"

sevensonnets · Apr 14, 2017

A coworker once had a patient on the vent who kept trying to pinch her breast while she was suctioning him. Not once but every time she suctioned him. Once day he grabbed her and she told him three times to let go but he wouldn't, so she leaned down and made an ever so slight adjustment in his foley tubing. Problem solved.

~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN · Apr 14, 2017

A coworker once had a patient on the vent who kept trying to pinch her breast while she was suctioning him. Not once but every time she suctioned him. Once day he grabbed her and she told him three times to let go but he wouldn't, so she leaned down and made an ever so slight adjustment in his foley tubing. Problem solved.

Or give him a deep suction. Them lungs sounded a bit wet making him hypoxic as evidenced by the erratic behavior. :sarcastic:

twinmommy+2, ADN, BSN, MSN · Apr 15, 2017

So I ran into an old neighbor the other day. He asked what I was up to, and when I said going to school to be a nurse (doing pre reqs) he leered at me and said, "You can be MY nurse!" Ick.
And it's been bugging me ever since. I just kind of ignored it at the time and asked what his kids were doing, but I keep wondering how I could have handled it better. And also, is this a daily thing nurses deal with? Weekly? Monthly?
On the other hand, I told an acquaintance of mine the same thing, and when she answered "you could be MY nurse" I felt validated and happy. So maybe I was just reading too much into it the first time. Although I'm pretty sure I didn't mistake the leer and once-over that accompanied it.
So anyway, my question to the universe of nurses is, how common is this? And what different ways do you deal, especially if you live in a smaller town and have to see the same people all the time? If you do run into your acquaintances and neighbors working, are you the one who gives them the sponge baths or whatever they are fantasizing about? Or do you get to pass them over to someone who doesn't know them?

I think that you should look at what repulsed you and what didn't. Now is the time you need to do some soul searching about why that statement repulsed you from the older man instead of the woman. You will be placed into different situations that will utterly repulse you and find you searching for words, like dealing with a child abuser, wife beater, someone who just killed their best friend while drinking and driving. Finding how we feel about things can help us handle them later.