You Never Know What's Beneath the Surface - I'm a Prison Mom

We’ve all seen them: the men and women standing on street corners, sleeping in doorways, asking for money, food, jobs. Here's my story.... Nurses Announcements Archive Article

Last weekend, I drove over to visit my son - about 120 miles. I was kinda tired so about mid-way thru the drive, I decided to stop at Starbucks. I pulled off the highway and the drive-thru was packed so I decided I would go inside. It would give me time to stretch my legs.

As I pulled into a parking space, I noticed absentmindedly that there was a man sitting at the side of the building. He was shivering and had remnants of several hot beverages spread around him. I felt bad for him - it was in the 20's and rainy. However, I kinda did the glance above his head and went inside. I didn't really want to see him as my mind was occupied with spending the weekend with my husband.

So I ordered my latte and stepped over in the second line to wait for my order to come up. There was a lady in front of me, who turned to me and said that she always came to Starbucks every morning to get three shots of espresso over ice.

I casually mentioned that it was very strong drink and that it must give her lots of energy. She turned away for a second and then turned back to me and said with tears streaming down her face, "its for my son. He's homeless and its the only way I can try to make sure he is okay every day." I felt so sorry for her, I gave her a hug and told her I was on my way to see my son, in prison; before going on to see my husband.

I got my drink, gave her another smile as we exited together and went on past the shivering man to my car. I gathered a blanket I keep in my car for the winter and gave it to the man. He thanked me and wished me a good day.

My son, too has been homeless at times. It is a heartache that many parents experience: the pain of addiction and poor choices. Some of our kids are homeless, some in prison, others in places unknown to their families. Others sadly, are dead.

I started this article to point out that I never was a very kind or compassionate ER nurse, the tougher and rougher crowd were my kind of patients. I had little patience for drunk, high or mentally ill patients, I was so tough, nothing could touch me.

However, in the deep recesses of my mind, I thought my family was somehow above the addicted patient, the homeless patient, the mentally ill patient. After all, if their parents and/or families REALLY cared about them, they wouldn't be that way, right?

I was higher and mightier and more smug than I had any right to be.

And...one day, I found out how far the mighty can fall. The story isn't pretty and I won't bore anyone with the details.

Suffice it to say that I am now what is known as a Prison Mom. I visit my son 4-5 times per month. The families sit in the waiting room after checking in, waiting for their turn to go the "pat down" room and then on to the visitation room where they wait some more for their husbands, fathers, sons to come in.

It is a demeaning experience for us. We share a bond with all the families. Though we all come from varied backgrounds - the one thing we have in common is that we love our family members that have made these poor choices that have imprisoned them and in turn....us.

I tell this story as a gentle reminder that we never know what is beneath the surface ot other's attitudes: the "crusty" nurse might have a disabled husband or adult child whom she cares for, the young "flaky" nurse might have been up with a colicky baby all night, the "nasty" doctor might have just lost a family member of his own.

Our lives are so finite and if you've been a nurse for very long you know this to be true. So...take some time today to be thankful for TODAY because your LIFE can change QUICKLY!

Specializes in ORTHO, PCU, ED.

Thank you for sharing that. I needed to hear that. Just yesterday I had a pt who I felt I wanted to judge quite honestly. He cursed at me all day long and at his loving mother, had diseases I would rather not mention due to his lifestyle, and just smelled awful. I really didn't keep my calm and at one point after he talked to me like I was trash, I let it get to me, and said something back to him that I shouldn't have and felt awful. Who knows what happened to him to cause him to become that way. We can't judge by what's right in front of us. Thanks again for the article.

Thanks for sharing your story-

Addiction and/or mental illness are not prejudice to any race, class, age etc....

I too am a nurse who is a Prison Mom! I totally understand the tough inner mentality and the lack of compassion we can have towards our patients. But at the end of the day we are human and we have feelings and we hurt sometimes too! I make a two hour drive once a month with my bag of change for the canteen so my son can enjoy a slightly good meal, even if it's coming from a vending machine. We can only love and support our children regardless of the bad decisions they have made, which also impacts those of us on the outside of the prison walls! Keep your head up!! Hugs

Specializes in Geriatrics, Dialysis.

Thank you for sharing. Most times we really don't know what is happening outside of work with our colleagues. Not every bad attitude day at work is because of work and it's good to remember that and give that colleague a little slack as we really don't know the very personal problems behind that bad attitude.

I know this from experience with a friend of my Mom's that was a prison wife. She quit her hospital job because of the embarrassment, gossip and false assumptions about her life. Her husband was convicted on drug charges so of course she was painted with the same brush, after all if he was using/selling she either must have been too or at least knew he was. She was so afraid of repercussions to her life and career that she let her license lapse rather than face the possibility of a BON investigation since she was home when he was arrested and drugs were found in the house. She was never charged with any crime herself, but still the fear was there.

Still she loves him and stuck by his side, traveled across the state to visit him while he was in prison, took him back gladly when he was released. He came out the other side clean and sober and is making a better life for himself. She never did try to renew her license, she still works as a CNA. Years later, the fear is still there.

Thanks for sharing your story. A good reminder. ((hugs))

I've been ever so fortunate so far, and know that it's a fragile line.

(((((Trauma)))))

Why do I get so emotional when I read these articles? Thank you so much for being brave enough to share what is beneath your surface. I could only imagine what it is like to go through that.

Specializes in Hospice.

Been there, done that. It will be ok. We are human, too!:)

Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

Good parents have bad things happen to them. I know that on a very personal level. I always told my troubled child that as long as there is life, there is hope. I held on to that through his most trying times, and now, things are finally looking up and he is doing well. The guilt and self-blame was horrible til I finally found support groups that helped me understand I did not CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it and I alone, can't CHANGE it.

I let go and things got better. I feel ya, my friend. I have been through it myself.

I have my own demons as far as substance abuse and addiction. I no longer beat myself up over who I was because I had no control over it. Therefore I do not look down on other patients for whatever malady they are trying to overcome. Whether it's addiction or some other disease, nobdody chooses to face that kind of hardship.

The lifestyle that I lived was horrible and I put my family through hell. However, it lead me to be the person that I am today and motivated me to go to into nursing.

I suggest you try groups like AL-ANON. They will provide support and ironically enough, the 12 steps they offer are very similiar to the approach in AA, so I've heard.

Thank you for your story and I admire your courage. All I know is, when I was in the depths of my bottoms, there was NOTHING anyone could do. I had to help myself.

I once was an above the clientele nurse. That is until one of my family members succumbed to a bipolar drug addicted life and committed suicide. It changed me! I seem to identify more. Feel more and have more compassion.

I now weekly visit a family member in jail. And yes, it is tiring and humiliating. I go because I don't want this young person to ever feel that he is not loved. I want him to know that while I don't like his choices. I love him.

I guess that is the advantage of the experience aging gives us, we become wiser. If we let our experience be a guide, we are able to become better people

traumaRUs,

Thank you for posting. My prayers are with you and your family. I wish you strength, courage, and serenity.

Your words, ...that I never was a very kind or compassionate ER nurse, one day, I found out how far the mighty can fall,” carry more meaning and significance than you can possibly imagine. You story is a microcosm of our current healthcare system and the state it is in. Who has done it to the system? Its own members, although there are those that say (with good reason) the bulk of the blame lays on the physicians. I do NOT make this up. The AMA (American Medical Association) has acknowledged that the current state of healthcare is due to the physicians themselves.

The medical profession expects from society autonomy, trust, monopoly, trust, and self-regulation. Medicine forgets that it exists within the confines of our society and MUST conform to societal expectations and norms. (Sources:

  • Starr P. The Social Transformation of American Medicine. New York: Basic Books; 1984.
  • Sullivan W. Work and Integrity: The Crisis And Promise Of Professionalism In North America. New York: Harper Collins; 1995.
  • Cruess SR, Cruess RL. Professionalism: a contract between medicine and society. CMAJ. 2000;162:668-669.
  • Barondess JA. Medicine and professionalism. Arch Intern Med.2003;163:145-149.
  • Cruess RL, Cruess SR. Teaching medicine as a profession in the service of healing. Acad Med. 1997;72:941-952.)

Healthcare has betray the trust of society. (Source: Starr P. The Social Transformation of American Medicine. New York: Basic Books; 1984.) Self-regulation has been questioned in the literature because of medicine's documented failures in this area. (Source: Freidson E. Professional dominance: the social structure of medical care. Chicago: Aldine; 1970.)

"Since the medical profession's rights to self-regulation are delegated by society via federal and state legislation, society can, if it becomes dissatisfied with the performance of the profession, alter the terms of the social contract and reclaim some of these powers. Following major lapses in self-regulation and a consequent decrease in trust, society has already diminished the scope of medicine's powers…" (Source: AMA Journal of Ethics )

Society had to act to protect its members and impose regulations to get the profession to conform to the expectations of society. The conflict arises when the physician's goals or the profession's goals are in direct conflict. (Source: The American Academy of Family Physicians)

One example is POST (Physician Orders for Scope of Treatment) which replaces the former Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) via the Patient Self-Determination Act in 1990. Healthcare looks at the length of life where patients may prefer quality of life. What good is a another year of life if it is spent with tubes out of every orifice, the patient semi-conscious and separated from family.

Society has stepped in with legislation that requires physicians to adhere to POSTs (Living Wills). Still, physicians circumvent patients' wishes because of the paternalistic attitudes. (Source: NY Times)

This is because the profession was founded on paternalism, serving itself, not the patient. The first AMA Code of Ethics written in 1847, is all about the patient's duties to the doctor, not what the doctor owes the patient. To see more how healthcare view the patient in its inception, read Victorian medical ethics and the subordinate patient.

All of those who have dealt openly and honestly with addiction head will recognize the denial that our healthcare system has about how it came to its current state.

This story not only reminds to treat our fellow man with compassion, it also provides insight on our healthcare system.

Thank you for sharing.