So, lately, I have been thinking about where I want to be in my career. While I'm not 100% sure where I would like to end up, I do know that my current situation is not one in which I wish to be in forever. I currently work two jobs, one as a nurse and one as a tech. The tech job has become so simple that it's becoming very routine and there are few challenges left for me in the area. While I greatly enjoy everyone that I work with, the job itself is not as fulfilling as I would like.
My other job is as a nurse at a rehab/ltc facility. While my basic nursing skills have greatly improved, I also feel that there are still more things to learn from this job, and am considering investing more time in this job so I can expand my skills and nursing knowledge. I am also considering switching departments at my one job so I am working as a nurse, and not a tech. I feel that I am ready to challenge myself in a different area of nursing.
The thing is, in order to do these things, I probably would have to lead my tech job. And there comes the dilemma: I am currently dating someone who I am working with in that area. While we greatly enjoy each other's company and share many interests, I am concerned that my attempts to advance my career may result in the loss of the relationship.
Truth is, while we talk with each other a lot, it seems to be mostly work related. While I try and open myself up, my boyfriend does not seem to reveal a lot about himself. In fact, sometimes I find out things about him from coworkers, and not him. When we are texting back and forth, it is generally me doing most of the talking. I generally have to initiate most of the contacts, including coming up with ideas for dates. He does not seem to have many interests, and has very little personal information to contribute to discussions. He also seems to lack ambition and passion for anything.
At the same time, he is a great guy that treats me well. Most of our friends and family feel that we are a great match, although my mom suspects that this may be more of a friendship than a serious relationship. We get asked a lot when we are getting married or having children.
I would feel bad if I chose to move on and my plans ended up not including him, especially since he is a very nice person. It would also mean that I would probably be single again, and with my 27th birthday coming up, time is running out to find someone to marry. At the same time, my desire to have a successful nursing career came LONG before I met him.
So I guess I'm a little mixed. Do I continue in my current positions so I can be sure that I am still in a relationship? Or do I go for the career that I have worked very hard for and continue to work hard for, and risk losing the relationship?
Also I do have to say that while friends and family who are "moderately" close are very supportive of the relationship, my mom, whom I am very close to, doesn't see this as a lasting relationship at all. My dad is ambivalent about it.
She believes it is nothing serious, and that he is "just a boy that I hang out and do things with." She feels that if he was a little more like my dad, who is ambitious in his career and a good provider, he may be worth pursuing, but he is not.
She has commented that I would be responsible for the majority of the income in the relationship and that would put me under a lot of stress and pressure.
She feels that with his lack of communication and lack of desire to better himself that this should be considered nothing more than a casual friendship.
Ok, now we know how your mom feels about your relationship. More importantly, how do you feel? I'm asking myself if the opinions that have been shared and the advice you've received for these past six pages have had any impact at all? To me, you seem very ambivalent, vacillating every bit as much between your options now, as you did back on page one. Do you feel you've gained any clarity as to your planned course of action?
You have now said two positive things about him, he's nice and he gave you flowers once. But you keep on listing numerous perceived flaws of his. What's your thought process? The way I see it you keep coming up with reasons why the two of you are probably not a match made in heaven, yet you seem strangely reluctant to make a decision of any kind?
he has expressed interest in one day having children. However, he is about 10 years older than I am, so his age could possibly make it difficult in conceiving any children.
I've always felt it was a good idea to use condoms or some other sort of birth control method with thirty-something lovers... I think that you're creating problems, where none may exist. Anyway, isn't this line of thought awfully premature when you haven't even determined if the two of you have anything else to talk about, besides work-related stuff?
If you want to move forward in your decision process, the only thing I can think of is the same advice as I gave you earlier in this thread:
If a friend you cared about described her relationship the same way that you've described yours, whatadvice would you offer her?
OP, I must admit that I'm struggling to understand why you think your situation is a difficult-to-figure-out-dilemma. I've approached your posts assuming that you were looking for advice and aiming to eventually come to a decision regarding your job situation and relationship. If this was thread is more of a vent, rather than an attempt to come up with a plan, simply ignore my posts :)
And to be fair, he has tried to show signs of being a boyfriend. For example, he sent flowers to me at work on Valentine's Day, which was very nice of him. But it's almost like I can see why maybe some of his past relationships didn't last. Also, my mom has asked what we talk about, since it appears I don't know much about him due to my inability to answer many of her questions. When I've told her that conversations primarily revolve around work, her response was "Oh, that's no good."
Also I do have to say that while friends and family who are "moderately" close are very supportive of the relationship, my mom, whom I am very close to, doesn't see this as a lasting relationship at all. My dad is ambivalent about it. She believes it is nothing serious, and that he is "just a boy that I hang out and do things with." She feels that if he was a little more like my dad, who is ambitious in his career and a good provider, he may be worth pursuing, but he is not. She has commented that I would be responsible for the majority of the income in the relationship and that would put me under a lot of stress and pressure. She feels that with his lack of communication and lack of desire to better himself that this should be considered nothing more than a casual friendship.
Listen to your mom. She clearly knows what she is talking about.
Actually, one thing I can say about him is that he would make a good father. I have seen him interact with children, and he does very well; he has expressed interest in one day having children. However, he is about 10 years older than I am, so his age could possibly make it difficult in conceiving any children.
You think a man being 36 is going to make it difficult to conceive a child? Fun fact- the 10th President of the United States, John Tyler, who was born in 1790 and was President from 1841-1845, has two living grandchildren because he fathered children in his 60s and his son fathered children in his 70s. The oldest man to father a child was 96.
I really think you're putting the cart before the horse here though. You admit that you basically don't know anything about this man outside of work- his interests, his ambitions, whether or not he already has 6 kids from 5 different baby mamas- but you're already thinking of having children with him?
I have been with my boyfriend for 14 months. I feel very confident that I know pretty much everything about him. He lives with me and has since 6 months in, we own 2 dogs together. He talks to me about his work sometimes but I pretty much never talk to him about mine- he doesn't work in healthcare, he doesn't understand it.
Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.
Your "boyfriend" keeps sending me weird vibes & red flags. He reminds me of one of my exes. He was a CNA, I didn't find out a lot about him from him initially & he was 10 years older than me as well. Things started out fine at first but eventually things went south. He also wasn't very motivated to pursue higher education. Trust me when I say this, when everyone in your life is telling you to move on from someone, MOVE ON!
I guess I would say there is some friendship there since we do hang out by going out to eat, going to movies, spending time outdoors. It just bothers me that I found out from coworkers, not him, that he is thinking of moving and that he cannot even be honest with me about what happened with his certification exam and why he has not pursued higher education. Maybe he has a learning disability, which I definitely could accept. What's hard to accept is that, if he does, he's not willing to share it with the person he calls his "girlfriend."
The big thing you stated here is that he cannot be honest with you. Honesty is the basis for a relationship. You also stated he is thinking of leaving his job and has not told you. This is another big flag. Friends tell each other hopes and dreams, plans to move, etc.
In other posts your mom has stated she thinks you should move on, you should.
Flowers, a card are nice, but a relationship is built on trust. There does not appear to be trust in this "relationship". Him not opening up is not just being quiet, he does not want to share with you, or maybe anyone.
What will happen if he decides one day that it is his last day. It appears like he is moving on. If he really wanted something with you, he would have told you about his ambitions. My firends and even casual co-workers talk about this, his silence to you should be a huge flag.
I would feel bad if I chose to move on and my plans ended up not including him, especially since he is a very nice person. It would also mean that I would probably be single again, and with my 27th birthday coming up, time is running out to find someone to marry. At the same time, my desire to have a successful nursing career came LONG before I met him.
Yeah, you aren't realistically going to work together forever. Pursue your goals and see what happens. It will be a growing experience both personally and professionally. You won't regret it.
Purplegal, he is in his 30s, working as a tech, lying to you, not opening up to you, and being completely passive in the relationship. If there is no growth now, after a year together, you cannot expect growth in the future. He has no reason to grow and change and you have no reason to expect change if he is not self-motivated to do it himself, even if you could perhaps push him into it (which you probably can't). So ask yourself this: is your relationship, as it is right now, the one you want for the rest of your life? Are you happy doing all the labor of the relationship AND holding your life and career still so that you do not outstrip his?
It sounds like you are having a great deal of difficulty breaking things off with him because where you are is more comfortable than change. If you don't want to directly make waves by breaking things off, make the step of developing your career. I learned more in my early days of med surg than I did in my entire year of long term care/subacute rehab. Get out of that unit where you feel there is an expectation to stay with him, put those hard-earned letters after your name to good use. Fulfill your potential. If that leads to the end of the relationship, well, it only proved what you probably already know.
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macawake, MSN
2,141 Posts
Ok, now we know how your mom feels about your relationship. More importantly, how do you feel? I'm asking myself if the opinions that have been shared and the advice you've received for these past six pages have had any impact at all? To me, you seem very ambivalent, vacillating every bit as much between your options now, as you did back on page one. Do you feel you've gained any clarity as to your planned course of action?
You have now said two positive things about him, he's nice and he gave you flowers once. But you keep on listing numerous perceived flaws of his. What's your thought process? The way I see it you keep coming up with reasons why the two of you are probably not a match made in heaven, yet you seem strangely reluctant to make a decision of any kind?
I've always felt it was a good idea to use condoms or some other sort of birth control method with thirty-something lovers... I think that you're creating problems, where none may exist. Anyway, isn't this line of thought awfully premature when you haven't even determined if the two of you have anything else to talk about, besides work-related stuff?
If you want to move forward in your decision process, the only thing I can think of is the same advice as I gave you earlier in this thread:
If a friend you cared about described her relationship the same way that you've described yours, what advice would you offer her?
OP, I must admit that I'm struggling to understand why you think your situation is a difficult-to-figure-out-dilemma. I've approached your posts assuming that you were looking for advice and aiming to eventually come to a decision regarding your job situation and relationship. If this was thread is more of a vent, rather than an attempt to come up with a plan, simply ignore my posts :)