What the "bleep"?!?!?!?

caroladybelle, BSN, RN · Jun 13, 2007

My thoughts are with you.

krenee · Jun 13, 2007

Kelly

rn/writer, RN · Jun 13, 2007

The two of you need to sit down together and talk about priorities, responsibilities and committment. If you aren't in this together, you might still make your way through summer school, but it won't be pretty.

With some spouses, it's more a matter of changing habits and developing an awareness that having one partner in school places new demands on a familiy. For others, fear of the unknown, fear of losing the partner's time and attention, fear that the partner won't need them if they get a degree and a decent paying job, and fear of the partner's freedom out in the world, can make a normal person start acting bizarre. With a few, true passive aggression rears its ugly head to undermine the student partner at every turn and "punish" them for rocking the boat.

I have no idea which category your husband falls in, but a few more nights like you just had and you'll be fried.

Now is the time for you to open up to one another about what is important to you individually, as a couple, and as a family. Discuss both the rewards and the costs of your schooling along with the rewards and costs of having you stay home. Then decide TOGETHER what should happen. Write out what each of you is willing to give to the choice you make.

Do this periodically and make whatever changes are necessary to keep your life together as sane and healthy as it can be.

Remember, whatever happens to one of you happens to both of you. And to your child as well.

I wish you success.

JaqiO · Jun 13, 2007

Definitely let us know how you solved this problem! My boyfriend and I will both be in school this fall plus working as much as we can. No kids thank goodness but it's still going to be a lot of work. I have to get started on my pre-reqs and he's going to Harvard Ext. Hopefully since we'll both be in school we can help keep each other focused and just get a roommate to do all the house work

catzy5 · Jun 13, 2007

The two of you need to sit down together and talk about priorities, responsibilities and committment. If you aren't in this together, you might still make your way through summer school, but it won't be pretty.
With some spouses, it's more a matter of changing habits and developing an awareness that having one partner in school places new demands on a familiy. For others, fear of the unknown, fear of losing the partner's time and attention, fear that the partner won't need them if they get a degree and a decent paying job, and fear of the partner's freedom out in the world, can make a normal person start acting bizarre. With a few, true passive aggression rears its ugly head to undermine the student partner at every turn and "punish" them for rocking the boat.
I have no idea which category your husband falls in, but a few more nights like you just had and you'll be fried.
Now is the time for you to open up to one another about what is important to you individually, as a couple, and as a family. Discuss both the rewards and the costs of your schooling along with the rewards and costs of having you stay home. Then decide TOGETHER what should happen. Write out what each of you is willing to give to the choice you make.
Do this periodically and make whatever changes are necessary to keep your life together as sane and healthy as it can be.
Remember, whatever happens to one of you happens to both of you. And to your child as well.
I wish you success.

I agree 100% with this! you have to communicate what your want and needs are with your husband, sometimes all it takes is telling him what your priorities are for him to do.

I have 3 kids I took a full load this last year, my husband is a great help/support, however he also travels most of the week, so with a little organization it is possible to do the work on your own.

I always start off right away in the morning with doing laundry before my shower, I continuiously keep the rotation going but in the AM I fold it all. I make breakfast for the kids and clean as I go. My kids help out on their end too they are 8,8 and 10 so its a bit easier for me there. After i make breakfast I vacume so when the kids are off to school now the house is clean (superficially atleast ). You can't do it all but you can make it managable and comfortable, there will be some sacrafices for sure and if you can get your husband to pitch in make him a list maybe of what you could really use help in, then hopefully your semester will flow smoothly.

DermNP2Be · Jun 13, 2007

I posted on this some time ago. Things have gotten better. My husband used to say "yeah, school is important, but it's not bringing in any money right now" or he would comment on what a long day he had and "wish" he could be in my place. I can only give you some advice on subtle changes that I made that have seemed to make a world of difference to me. First, I try to cook as many days worth of dinners that I can (on Saturday/Sunday) and put them in the freezer for the kids. And dishes? What are those?? I now utilize any plastic product ever made- foam plates, plastic utensils and cups. If you mess a dish, YOU clean it. And this one was purely accidental, but completely changed hubby's mind how he viewed my academic goals: We happened to watch The Pursuit of Happyness. After the movie, he commented on Will's wife leaving him because of the goals he wanted to accomplish which meant no money now, but money and satisfaction later. He asked me if I thought he could've went through what Will went through. After much prodding from him because I didn't want to answer due to the risk of an argument, I told him the truth. How in the world could he overcome such obstacles to become as highly successful as Will did if he can't even understand why I do despite his unsupportiveness? Ever since then, hubby opens my books and sets them up on the table and asks me, "Isn't it time for you to study"??

NurseyBaby'05, BSN, RN · Jun 13, 2007

Set aside an area that is for studying only. Hubby should be more supportive, but it's also not fair to be keeping him up late by studying in the bedroom. Plus a lot of research shows that if the bedroom is used for more than sleeping or sex, it winds up putting a huge damper on both of them. I guess when you start to associate it with school, tv and the like and nursing school is one of the most unsexy things I could think of.

Have dh help you spend one afternoon clearing the diningroom table or setting up a desk in the corner of the family room for school. The desk in the family room would be a great example for the kids too.

As for the mess, it can't be a higher priority than your studies. If you really can't live with a messy house and you know hubby won't help, it isn't the end of the world not to have straight As. Or hire a cleaning person to come in once a week. Consider it an educational expense. We had a lot of people getting 100% on everything and having a meltdown because they missed a few questions. I decided it was more important that I understood what we were learning and was able to think things though rather than memorize every bit of material. I also decided life was too short to kill myself for school or otherwise. I reached the same goal with my Bs and was able to retain my sanity. Others weren't so lucky.

bookworm1 · Jun 13, 2007

Our household is in the same boat! My husband just got a promotion that requires that he work 5 or 6 twelve hour shifts per week, so whatever help I was getting will no longer be there come fall! I am working on learning to use the crockpot over the summer and cleaning like crazy while I can. We are also remodeling over the summer and I hope to have a study room before fall!

NSFA08 · Jun 13, 2007

first, let me say that you guys are the best!

kluellen, i've been deleting flylady's emails for the last year :-)! guess it's time to go back to "shining my sink" :-)!...

rn/writer, the conversation is happening TONIGHT! i think you're on target with the "changing habits" thing...

catzy5, you're my hero :-)! once i get my flylady thing going again, i can hang in the big-leagues with you...

destined2bcrna, looks like i'll stop deleting my "frozen-assets" emails too :-). if you're not aware of their program, it's all about cooking ONE TIME A MONTH. i don't know that i can do that, but a few days worth of meals is definitely in line with what i can manage right now. PAPER PLATES and PLASTIC UTENSILS!!!! NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT :-)!!! THANK YOU!

nurseybaby, thanks for the words of wisdom! gotta keep the bedroom the bedroom (wink wink). my goal is definitely to maintain a bit of normalcy about myself -- no need to end up as one of YOU GUYS' patients over this :-). although i'll still be striving for A's, it won't be at the expense of my sanity. i also sent out for referrals for a cleaning lady in the meantime...

bookworm1, are we married to the same man :-)?!?!!? JUST KIDDING! my husb. got promoted recently as well. in addition to that, his immediate mgr. was just sent to iraq. so he's covering a lot more as well -- translation: longer days at work, less help at home :-)!

to all of you... THANK YOU for your feedback, advice and suggestions. we'll see what becomes of our "talk" tonight...

ACTnowNRSl8r

DermNP2Be · Jun 14, 2007

ACTnowNRSl8r: Now I need to thank you! I did a google on "frozen assets" and I'm one happy camper! That's why I love this forum...

Blupaisley · Jun 14, 2007

OP,...you have described my last 2 years in school, except I have an 11 year old and a 3 year old. The one suggestion I could offer, and I can't claim that it has been a 100% success, ....but I found that if I put a FAMILY chore chart up and divy out duties, they get done more often. If they see what needs to be done in written word (can't understand why the stink of the catbox doesn't clue them in that IT NEEDS CLEANING!) then they seem to be more likely to help out. Again, not 100% effective but it helps, it also takes the guilt off of me and places some responsibility on them.