What is My Family Thinking?

Published

This is merely a vent about my family. It just makes me wonder if people even think!

My cousin wants to host a family reunion camping trip over the July 4th weekend. She wants everyone in the family to be there so she announced it yesterday so that everyone can request time off work. OK...not a bad idea, even though only a few of us have ever been camping and a lot of the family is elderly, but that is not the issue.

I work in a nursing home. My cousin, who is about ten years older than me lives in the same nursing home. She was in a car crash and has a spinal injury. She has a supra-pubic catheter, an insulin pump, transfers with a mechanical lift, needs digital stimulation to have a bowel movement, needs daily extensive PROM, and is just a lot of work! She is also less than pleasant (and she has a right to be to an extent). The CNAs actually bribe each other to answer her call lights..."I'll do the next three BMs and start your car if you get her light."

Well...this cousin wants to go to the campsite every day and spend the night at least one night. Several relative thinks that I should be the one to care for her while she is there. Ummm...no...I am not going to do it. She is too much work for one person. There is no way in the world that I could do her transfers, dig stim, catheter irrigation, etc. My family thinks I am being selfish and I am no longer invited to the reunion...not that I really wanted to go in the first place.

No one has ever asked the accountant in the family to do their taxes for free. No one asks the cousin who owns the lawn service to mow their lawn. No one asks my aunt who works at a jewelry store for a discount on diamonds. Why would they think I am willing to spend the entire reunion caring for someone that requires such extensive care?

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.

Because it would benefit them the most. Taxes only come once a year, mowing a yard isn't that much work & I don't know if they purchase diamonds often but they all know how much work it is to take care of your cousin & they don't want to do it. On top of that you're a nurse & you do that every day so you should be use to taking care of her. No, it's not realistic or nice to put all that care on one person but apparently that's what they expect.

If you didn't want to go in the first place, then don't. They can arrange for help for your cousin to be there for the day but it doesn't sound like she can spend the night.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
This is merely a vent about my family. It just makes me wonder if people even think!

Why would they think I am willing to spend the entire reunion caring for someone that requires such extensive care?

Because the family is

1. Ignorant

2. Perhaps (...maybe) feeling a little guilty but yet somehow 'icky' about the fact that she needs all of this care; but yet, by not bringing in supportive staff, using you-family, instead is just their way of looking past her limitations as best they can (also saving money). Afterall You do this care everyday, why is it any more difficult/different in a campground than in the nh? Why, you should think nothing at all about being the sole caregiver; whassamatter with you, anyway??!

Give them a list of everything you will need to make this happen;

1. A rundown (make it graphic so they get the picture) of all the aspects of care she will need on a daily basis.

2. Day rate for an LPN or RN.

3. Day rate for a CNA.

You ain't workin' for free at your own family reunion. You ain't workin' at all...

She is physically impossible for you to manage on your own and they sound like they won't be of any help. And who's gonna catch fiery hell is something goes amiss?

4. Rental and delivery of a mechanical lift, daily. Explain that with that lift you can't just use any old campsite in the forest. Also, you need two peeps for safe lift operation, too ($)

5. Daily transportation costs.

6. A list of all the other equipment and bring-withs, and associated costs.

Memorize the following, and repeat after the next family supper:

"Awright loving Family, Now all y'all listen up. This is what she needs, why she needs it, and how much it's all gonna cost. We can do this for her, we love her, but I am NOT, repeat N O T gonna work this all by myself. I'm part of this family, and I expect to enjoy this reunion too. Read this and talk amongst yourselves, then get back to me".

If they ended up disinviting you over something like this, then it sounds as if they did you a big favor.

Good luck and hope this helps.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.

Your family members' expectations are very unrealistic. A family reunion is an event that should entail leisure time and relaxation, and not at the expense of the one relative who happens to be a nurse.

If the family uninvited you, consider it a blessing and one less headache.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in retired LTC.

Oh, honey!!! Just say NO - loud and clear, and run far, far away! You are not the family's private nurse.

Don't even entertain the thought for one second. For your family to think that way ... takes chutzpah! (Also known as b*lls!)

I speak from experience re a family issue that was similarly mucho UGLY UGLY.

Don't go to the picnic if you think you'll be harassed about your decision. Sad, but you can have enjoyable time elsewhere.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Why would they think I am willing to spend the entire reunion caring for someone that requires such extensive care?

What do you mean you don't work for free? I thought nurses whole purpose in life was self sacrifice?!

Hope the sarcasm was super clear there, but honestly I think thats kind of how people see nurses. Bottom line your family is WAY out of line and all your points sound valid. Sorry they are so sucky. My advice is continue to not let yourself be treated as a doormat and toxic people have no place in your life, family or not.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

And I love that you have a spine of steel and said no, good for you. You wouldn't be doing you or your cousin or anyone else taking her out camping in an unsafe situation. Kudos!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in MICU, SICU, CICU.

Even if your cousin is a difficult person, it would be mean a lot to her to have a little normalcy and be at the family reunion. Maybe you can help make it happen while maintaining a professional distance from the situation.

Most non medical people have no idea what taking care of spinal cord injury patient entails so I would not worry too much about their input.

Her immediate family should be the ones to assume responsibility for taking her out of the NH.

They can hire a paid caregiver or attendant. This is not your responsibility and I would ask the SW at the NH for some agencies who provide this type of private duty nursing care and have the SW give it to her family spokesperson, along with the hourly rate. You can diplomatically say that I know she wouldn't be comfortable imposing on her family that way and it will be more enjoyable for everyone if she has her own paid caregiver.

The NH staff can do a lot of the necessary care before and after the reunion each day.

I am sure the family wont want to pay for round the clock nursing services so staying overnight might not be realistic.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

I would just brush this off! Its really frustrating when family members fail to understand the bigger picture.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Med-Surg.

Wow. Your family does not seem to have a realistic grasp of how extensive your cousin's care is. How do they intend on transporting her there, and transferring her? Not to even get started on the ADL and caregiver tasks they expect you to take on.

I agree with another poster that if they are insistent on this then they need to hire at least one caregiver to take on this trip to care for your cousin. Then the other family members need to help.

It's selfish of them to ask you to do this yourself.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

You say you were disinvited? In that case I would "do the right thing" and send them an explicit and full list of everything that she needs in the way of care, time, staff, medications, treatments, procedures, equipment and supplies. Then I would make plans to be elsewhere when this camping trip takes place. Do not go, do not help, do not advise other than that one email. Your family has shown their real selves to you - believe them. Since they disinvited you that left you free to make other plans. Then just let them scramble and stew about it. Seriously stay away from this...they don't get to treat you this way and then try to manipulate you into going again when they discover it's all beyond them to manage this on their own.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

I'm not upset that I am no longer welcome...LOL. I will probably be scheduled to work anyway. I have a bunch of stuff going on in June and if I want to be off for it, I am almost certain to work July 4th. The cousin who is in the nursing home doesn't seem to be bothered that I won't take care of her during the reunion. She knows that she has complicated needs and knows there is a reason staff trades off on who cares for her.

I appreciate the words of wisdom on advising my family about her level of care. I'm not sure how much I can reveal without being close to a HIPAA violation, so I am leaving that up to social services and the DON.

This is not the first time my family has tried such nonsense.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Join the Discussion